Recent Overtures of Funny

Here are some of my latest favorite demotivational posters:

I also found this hilarious letter on failblog today:

We're Not On Speaking Terms

I'd like to think I'm on at least a couple people's good lists. In fact, I'll be bold enough and say I am on a few (few being more than three). However, that being said, I would like to talk about someone who I am not on speaking terms with. Unfortunately it has been this way for a while.

I am no longer on speaking terms with Santa Claus. I stopped writing him years ago, and, he hasn't really reached out much since then. Come to think of it, Santa Claus has been somewhat of a mute in my life. And, even when we used to have some sort of correspondence (letters and lists from me, and gifts from him), our communication was always a bit strained.

He was considerate from time to time, making sure I was scurvy free every year by placing an orange in the bottom of my stocking, however, there will always remain one distinct communication failure that set the us reeling in different directions.

It was the late eighties. It was the age of He-Man, Thundercats, Ninja Turtles, and of course Power Wheels. It was this last one that I wanted more than anything. As soon as I saw other little kids grinning from ear to ear, flying by on the TV commercials at a blistering 5 miles per hour, I knew I needed one. It was the holy grail of kids toys.

So, every year I would put it on my list at the very top. And every year, without fail, I would get that orange, but the Power Wheels truck eluded me. This continued until the mid-nineties even when I had things that were supposedly better and faster than the Power Wheels truck. But that wasn't the point. For me, it was the principle of the thing. Santa had let me down. And it hurt. To me he has lost his luster. Was he really a Saint? Did he really even visit Africa? Or was it all talk? I just couldn't trust him anymore.

It didn't help that my stocking stuffers got more and more random. It started with innocent trinkets like tic tacs, mini staplers, and the occasional opera CD. Then I started getting random things like midget books (one 5-30 pages long about leprechauns, complete with a little leprechaun figurine), dental hygiene samples, and just staples (apparently he figured one mini stapler was enough).

I guess what really gets me is that my friends have told me they are still on speaking terms with him. One of my buddies went fishing with him last week. He said they talked about me. I feigned apathy as he spoke of his Papa Noel bonding time. I mean I see pictures of the guy all the time doing lewd things online and hanging out with the wrong crowd, so I don't know if I want to get back in touch, but at the same time I want to make amends. My friend said those pictures aren't really him, but are just impostors. I don't know what to believe. I get friend requests from all sorts of creepy Santa types under different aliases like Popo Gigio, Kris Kringle, and "that guy who starred in the Miracle on 34th Street" on facebook, but I just can't pull the trigger.

What's he looking at? She's smashed to his face.

What? I'm not on the list? Well, you were going 37 in a 25 Mr. Kringle.

Where is Mrs. Claus?

So the rest of the A Team are his elves?

If I get a Power Wheels truck this year I might just add one of them.

A tribute to Failblog

Ok, I don't endorse failblog, and I'm not on their payroll, but I loved some of today's posts:

Sidewalk fail:



Key pad fail (I liked this especially because it was from Brazil):



Welding mask fail:

I hope you enjoyed those, and were not in any way related to their comeuppance. Failing is such a human thing. It should be celebrated as much as possible so that we remember that we are far from being perfect God-like beings. Although, some basketball players think they are close (I'm looking at you Kobe). Humility. Isn't it about time?

Awkward Family Photos and Alien Cats

I stumbled across this site and find it more than just mildly entertaining. It is called Awkward Family Photos.com. It's really phenomenally weird and eery, but hilarious at the same time (Sounds like all the things you ever wanted and more right?) Here are some of the photos, and one of the latest from failblog.org:

The finger.

Sporting their pet rabbit and parrot. Why not?

Freakiest birthday cake picture ever taken.

Joe Dirt's family.

Just me and a tiger in some local mall.

Do not get pictures taken at Nina's: Check.

I think I'm going to start "reporting the news" with weird random photos. And, but "reporting the news" I mean making up bald-faced lies that are hysterical, yet poignant and revealing. An example might be the following picture with the caption "Owner discovers pet cat to be alien after giving it a bath":

Bob Rothbart was a simple man, like so many are in this country. But, he had a gentle heart. On March 5, 2004 he saw a little stray kitten eating grass on his lawn. His wife was wary of strays, and said she was allergic, but Bob took the little cat in. His wife Cindy had this to say on March 16, 2009:

"I don't know what he was thinking. That animal was ugly looking. When I saw it for the first time I thought it was a rabid squirrel that had a strange tumor on its face. Bob was so trusting."

Bob named him Lucky. The little kitten Lucky grew and lived like a normal cat for years. However, Bob never did take his little fur ball in to the vet. He didn't know how ironic the name 'Lucky' would turn out to be. On March 17, 2009, Bob was let in on the secret. 

While washing his 1994 Dodge Caravan, Bob sprayed Lucky a little bit. When he realized Lucky enjoyed being sprayed, he took him inside for a bath. That was when he found out. But it was too late. Only seconds after the cat was soaked did Bob recognize the creature before him. His cat was an alien. Not only that, but little gremlins started popping out of its fur. Several of them immediately scampered down the main hall way in his house and promptly sucked out his wife's brains. Bob ran to get his gun and shot Lucky, but was mobbed by the gremlins while making his escape for help. His leg was severed and he received 70 stitches on his shoulder, but Bob made it out.

The neighborhood he lives in was put on quarantine for 7 months by the federal government. Bob lives in an undisclosed location under the witness protection program. 

"If there was one thing I could share with people out there from this experience - don't pick up strays, and listen to your wife. I sure wish I did," said Bob.

Bailout=FAIL.

I got word just now that the bailout proposal has been rejected by congress. I am elated. Federal funds should stop going to bailout private firms. They failed. I did not cause their failure. Neither did millions of other Americans.

Congress is just trying to cover their own stupidity. Since 1992 democrats have been pushing mortgage lenders to make high risk loans to the poor. Well guess what?! In a pinch, they can't afford them, and many of them were paying next to nothing anyway. We, as Americans need to think more about living within our means. If I cannot afford something I should not be able to buy it. But the government barged in and said credit scores don't matter, incomes don't matter, everyone DESERVES a loan. Well, we can see what happened following that mentality.

I am not holding the financial industry and mortgage lenders blameless, but it was DC that caused this problem, not NYC. NYC just exacerbated it on the false pretense that the housing bubble would never burst. Many saw this coming for years. Prices don't always go up, and debts have to be paid.

It's true, regulation is needed. We can't allow anymore high-risk loans. But, we must allow private firms to bailout the market, not the government. And short selling is not the problem. The idea that stopping short selling will help the market is asinine. Just enforce the laws on the books that call for transparency.