First Time Millionaire Blogger

Charles Fillmore was a nobody. He lived in his parent's basement. Had a worthless liberal arts degree, and spent most of his time watching ESPN, reading online articles, doing yardwork, working out, and oh yes, blogging. Blogging is a phenomenon of sorts, and has been for several years now (or so they say). There are even terms now like the "blogosphere" and a term for those who live in it: "bloggers".

But what is a blog? Well Charles would tell you, snapping his brand-spanking-new suspenders that it is the short form of the old term "web log", which came about in the latter half of the nineties. And Charles is no shamwow salesman, but he is a millionaire, so I tried as hard as I could not to roll my eyes.

"Well, after several months of trying to get a job I realized my education was pretty much worthless. So I thought, 'Well, what is something I am pretty good at?' Then it came upon me like when I wet my pants during the 3rd grade talent show. I could write about flatulent rodents!"

A star was born. Charles' blog has been a smash success. Apparently people from all over the world are more than amused by his anecdotal expertise on furry, four-legged, farters. He gets somewhere around 40 million unique visitors a month to his site hampsterfart.com. And what does that mean? Ka-ching. Charles rakes in a six-figure salary monthly from online advertising. Granted, his advertisers range from triple X porn sites and chili pepper exfoliation cream to PetCo woodchips, but as Charles told me, "Money is money."

I asked him if he expected it to be this big. His reply was telling:

"I saved the wheel that the favorite hampster of my childhood, Zanzar, used to run around in. I vowed when he died to honor his memory. Now he lives on, and I have subsequently had that wheel dipped in 24K gold."

Maybe I should get into blogging.

Potato Guns Standard Issue with New Defense Budget Plan

Under the new defense plan promulgated by the DoD and Secretary of Defense Gates, the army will be equipped with "more cost-effective, tactical weaponry, over the armageddon scenario type weapons of the past," he said.

Well, he certainly was not mincing words with cost-effectiveness. Witness exhibit A:

Here we have (I can only presume) Captain Stubing, and his new potato gun. Standard issue now.

However, the larger guns are rather cumbersome for close range combat, so the defense plan also put a smaller version into production:

The best part is that you can get, as advertised, "300 shots from one potato". Talk about efficiency. Now, I don't know about you, but if I were Al Qaeda, I'd be wetting my pants right now. F-22s have got nothing on potato guns.

Smells Like John B

What, this blog still exists?

I know, I know. I've been derelict in my blog writing. Well, I was on vacation and no one else wanted to do it. But for the sake of time, let's skip the excuses and the jolt back to life by the Satire Report by the proverbial defibrillator.

I watched this hybrid music video combining the Beach Boy's "Sloop John B" with Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Worked pretty well. So you get "Smells like Sloop John B", or, I would call it "Smells like John B." Just has more of a zing to it and possibly offends more people:

Fail Awkward.

Today I share with you some funnies from failblog and awkwardfamilyphotos. Enjoy:

What's wrong? That's how all my faucets are.

This is why I like Beast.

Granny's night job finally caught up with her.

Pig pile!

p.s. - The commentaries are my only legitimate contributions to this post. But, even though I ripped off stuff from some of my favorite blogs, at least I gave you the links and whetted your appetites for random/weird/possibly normal to some/failing hilarity.

Shirking the Blog

Quite often I find myself shirking my blog because I just don't feel like writing. However, that's not entirely true. Sure, sometimes I'd rather be wiling the afternoon away in a hammock with a good book, drinking pineapple juice and listening to the sound of a midsummer rainstorm, but most often I don't write because I just don't want to make the effort. Or I think I might somehow not write up to my readers' expectations. Hopefully, that is always the case. I hope most of my posts are anticlimactic, and a waste of your time. I mean, you don't pay me enough to get A+ effort all the time. What am I saying? You don't pay me.

I just want to put up a thought, blurb, photo, series of photos, a clip, a satirical story, or something entirely random that makes you chuckle, guffaw, shoot milk out your nose, fall out of your chair, get mad, or make you cry yourself to sleep.

Guffawing with milk is not recommended. Neither is chuckling while crying yourself to sleep (that's just messed up). But then again, who are my readers? Maybe I should just make the assumption that they are all just as weird, quirky, and strange as I have a tendency to be on this blog.

Here are some photos:

In the computer.

You know what happens next.

Morbid? Yes. Funny? Yes.

Horses know how to guffaw.

And Peter Griffin knows how to make the most of his milk nose laughter.

Greatest Invention Since the Watering Can!

Throughout the history of mankind there have been great inventions. Man is an innovative, enterprising, clever being. Yet, man has made many silly inventions. Chin rests so you can sleep standing up, glasses with funnels for putting in eye drops, fake breasts for men who also want to nurse their kids, chopsticks with a built in fan to cool your noodles all come to mind.

Great for those long metro rides.

Because I'm too stupid to put them in my eyes directly and I like to waste money on bad eyewear.

He's a natural.

Then the fan fell into her soup spewing the scalding noodles all over her face.

However, as it turns out, today man has made a real breakthrough. Miraclegro in conjunction with Scott's Lawn products and world renowned geneticists are heralding the latest and greatest invention in landscaping since the watering can. Yes, they have invented self-trimming hedges.

These hedges come in all shapes and sizes, and will trim themselves according to your command. They're great for any special event, or just for fun.

Some are concerned that it will take work away from professional landscapers, and will ruin an art form that so many people in Disney World and Country Clubs have cultivated for years. But most are excited. Like me. Trimming the hedges is not that fun. Now they can trim themselves. However, I worry that they might start trimming other things. Like my cat. Little Shop of Horrors comes to mind.

Was Thomas Jefferson a Citizen?

For a while (and even now) people were worried about Obama's citizenship and the situation of his birth. Some claimed he was born in Kenya, others that he was a citizen of Indonesia, some claimed he was a space alien, yada yada. Well there is a bigger story now looming on the horizon.

Archeologists recently discovered documents that indicate that Thomas Jefferson was born in Kenya. The piece of elephant hide inscribed with the date of his birth in hyena blood was found in the back of his wine cellar at his home in Monticello. This new discovery has shaken historians to the very core.

"It means the Declaration [of Independence] was written by a foreigner. He was a tribesman who apparently led a very nomadic life," said Rich Holman, Historian from the University of Virginia.

His colleague Frank Martin had this to say:

"It puts the whole story about him having affairs with his slaves on its head. Who knew he was one of them?" 

Apparently his Kenyan tribesmen knew. And, according to another document found near the record of his birth, he was married to his Kenyan wife before he married his American wife Martha Skelton. 

This new revelation about one of America's forefathers comes at an interesting time. It seems as if Obama would have nothing to fear if he let out that he was indeed born abroad.

Iron Man

The time has come to save the world. MJ tried and failed. Greenpeace tried and failed. The UN tried and failed. Who is left?

Iron Man.

He is our only hope, because, as we all know, Obe-wan-kenobi isn't real. However Robert Downey Jr. is clearly alive and well. Sure, a former drug addict might seem an unlikely savior, but he is still Iron Man. And that suit is awesome. And, what is it that makes Iron Man so awesome? His superior intellect. He is the best superhero because he can create just about anything, from anything, with his mind. I mean, who other than Iron Man could have built the suit he did while being held captive by terrorists? The answer is no one.

Iron Man 2 will be out in 2010. I'm stoked. The world will be saved. Soon.

Robot Policemen

Back in the day, people used to make fun of mall cops and security guards by calling them "rent-a-cops" (well, actually, people still do), but now there is something far worse. You know we have become lazy as a society when robots are giving you speeding tickets. That's right. You heard me. Robots. Robots with cameras are out in force in several cities across the US. I mean, the cops can't be bothered with actually pulling people over any more. No, they need more hours free to stop potential shoplifters at Seven Eleven.

(This one bears an uncanny resemblance to the one that took my picture)

Just recently one of these robots took my picture. I was following someone and they ran a light. I probably should have waited (and hoped that they wouldn't ditch me), but I kept on following. Well, the robots didn't like that. The regular police didn't see me run any light. Not one police officer came out with their flashy badge and stenopad to write me up. Nope. I just got a fine request sent in the mail a couple weeks later. LAZY. I bet it was a robot secretary that mailed the fine from the robot cameraman at the intersection. Next thing you know T-1000 is going to put his silver liquid metal spike hand through your face for not telling him what he wants.

The moral of this story is that robots are taking over and there's nothing you or I can do about it. We will probably all be annihilated and only John Connor will be able to save us. That is why I must now go back in time to save his mother and father him, changing my last name to Connor so the story fits.

Something Special for the Ladies

This is for all the ladies: 

Another rendition:

As you probably could have guessed, I am a fan of Flight of the Conchords (it took me 4 tries to type their name just now). However, my ability to type does not diminish my admiration for their cause. They just want do something special for all the ladies in the world. All it takes is a music video here, a blog post there, and we all can make a difference. I'm doing my part. And you can too. To help show your support for doing something special for all the ladies in the world post a comment below, or send a donation to:

435 Happy Lane

Kudzu, Wisconsin