First Time Millionaire Blogger

Charles Fillmore was a nobody. He lived in his parent's basement. Had a worthless liberal arts degree, and spent most of his time watching ESPN, reading online articles, doing yardwork, working out, and oh yes, blogging. Blogging is a phenomenon of sorts, and has been for several years now (or so they say). There are even terms now like the "blogosphere" and a term for those who live in it: "bloggers".

But what is a blog? Well Charles would tell you, snapping his brand-spanking-new suspenders that it is the short form of the old term "web log", which came about in the latter half of the nineties. And Charles is no shamwow salesman, but he is a millionaire, so I tried as hard as I could not to roll my eyes.

"Well, after several months of trying to get a job I realized my education was pretty much worthless. So I thought, 'Well, what is something I am pretty good at?' Then it came upon me like when I wet my pants during the 3rd grade talent show. I could write about flatulent rodents!"

A star was born. Charles' blog has been a smash success. Apparently people from all over the world are more than amused by his anecdotal expertise on furry, four-legged, farters. He gets somewhere around 40 million unique visitors a month to his site hampsterfart.com. And what does that mean? Ka-ching. Charles rakes in a six-figure salary monthly from online advertising. Granted, his advertisers range from triple X porn sites and chili pepper exfoliation cream to PetCo woodchips, but as Charles told me, "Money is money."

I asked him if he expected it to be this big. His reply was telling:

"I saved the wheel that the favorite hampster of my childhood, Zanzar, used to run around in. I vowed when he died to honor his memory. Now he lives on, and I have subsequently had that wheel dipped in 24K gold."

Maybe I should get into blogging.

Shameless Promotion

There comes a time when we must question our motives. We all do lots of different things, some consciously, others almost by reflex. Well, some of you might wonder at times why I write so religiously on this blog. I am devout. Perhaps at times even more devout than some Hasidic Jews are to the Torah or Talmud. Well, there are many reasons why I blog, but I guess it would be best to let the cat out of the bag. I blog so I can promote my blog. 

I mean, if I didn't ever write anything, how in the world would you expect me to promote it? It reminds me of the movie Tommy Boy, where Tommy (played by Chris Farley) says, "Hey, I can take a sh*t in a box and stamp it guaranteed, but what are you buying? A guaranteed piece of sh*t, that's what you are buying." I have to have something to sell before I start selling. If I just kept throwing up the URL to my blog on twitter and facebook all the time while linking it to a page with a hamster running around on a wheel, people would start to get restless. They might even work up the nerve to buy their own wheels and run around in them to get out all their angst. So, instead of allowing that to happen, I write stuff. Is it good? Well, I'd say there's a chance. 

Like in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd (Jim Carrey) asks Mary (Lauren Holly) what the chance would be of a guy like him getting with a girl like her. She responds, "One in a million," to which he responds, "So you're saying there's a chance?" 

So I write stuff. However, even more interesting than writing stuff, is promoting it. And, if I'm going to promote it, I might as well do it shamelessly. With that I mean ubiquitously and like a used car salesman. I don't just write on twitter or my facebook status, "Check out my blog, I wrote stuff." I write something more along the lines of: "Giant mutant rabbit attacks President Obama while he sells radioactive golf clubs on eBay," which of course actually happened.

But, beyond just promotion of my blog, I have, on more than one occasion told and even encouraged people to click on the advertisements on this blog. You might think my rationale for doing that is because I make more money. That's simply not true. I do it because every ad you click creates more jobs. You are supporting the economy, and perhaps even saving the world. One click at a time people. You can make a difference. And on that note, click on the ads, visit their sites, buy their stuff, and read my blog like it's water after a marathon. Read it like it's oxygen after holding your breath for 30 seconds. Read it like it's the cure for whatever ails you, because, it is.

I love weed whackers!

Waking up can be a challenge. But, waking up is just one of those things we all have to do. So, if it's got to happen it should be under favorable circumstances. Well, I am so blessed on certain random weekday mornings.

I used to be a landscaper. Let me start with that. It is an admirable profession. It takes creativity, physical strength, patience, and if you're paying for it, plenty of money. Now there happen to be some very zealous landscapers who work on the complex next to my house. They love weed whackers. I love weed whackers. We all love weed whackers. So, what better to wake up to in the morning that that melodic hum and grind of a 1.5 liter weed whacker engine? It's great.

I don't need my alarm clock. It gets drowned out anyway. And, if I try to be sneaky and sleep in, the weed whackers come closer to my room window to make sure I don't get lazy. Next thing you know, they'll bring me weed-whacked vegetable omelettes. They are so good to me. Sleeping in past 7:20am is just not in my best interest, and they know it. Even if I went to bed only a few short hours before, it's a new DAY! Sunshine! Rise and shine! And look, your neighbor's lawn is nice a groomed for the third time this week. 

I know why they're coming over so much too. Pretty soon it will be winter, so they're in overhaul mode during fall to get paid as much as possible even if there really isn't anything worth whacking. That seems only fair. It's not what needs to get done that matters, it's how many times you can trick people into paying you for the same job, as long as they believe its necessary. And I know, they need to feed their little ones, and that's more important than my sleep or state of mind. Bless them.

The new ELITE

For me, those who have the most money are not elite. Those who are old are not elite. Those who are physically attractive are not elite. To be elite one must make the most sense. That does not leave out those who are not as bright, and that does not leave out the smarties either. If you make more sense than most people, you're in.

Now here's the problem: What makes sense to me might not make any sense to you. To avoid this relativistic problem, I'm going to say what makes sense to me trumps your take. Always. I think it's a good assumption.

Here's another part of it: If you make sense to me on most things you're in. Total agreement is not attainable.

I wanted to make a list of the new elite, but I don't want to get any angry letters from people who do not want to be on it or vice versa, so I'll just throw out some initials, and you can just assume they are yours (PS - this is not an all-inclusive list):

SM, BC, MM, RM, JR, EJ, RS, RM, KM, PR, LM, JD, SN, MH, JM, CP, KM and IM

Girlfriends Cost too Much!

Time to lay down the secret that will answer all the questions that women all over the world are asking. Why did he not call me back? Why are men so seemingly "shallow?" Why can't I find Mr. Right? The answer is a simple word. Money.

It's the money, honey. For guys it takes a lot of cash to have the same amount of fun you ladies are having. If you finding dating fun that is. If you don't, just be careful not to be spoiled, because "51% of American men spend over $100 monthly on dates, and 29% spend over $150, while nearly 2/3 of U.S. women spend less than $50 a month." That means that one out of every three guys is spending over $1800 a year in hopes of finding that special someone.
That in mind, ladies, I realize that it may be difficult for you to find a good guy, but if he doesn't call you back, don't be offended. He's without a doubt weighing and calculating the prospect of future romantic endeavors against the estimated market costs, and for any number of reasons the social return may not meet the monetary investment. Or simply put, he's gotta lay down the dead presidents and you may not be worth the killing. It's no wonder that an estmated "68% of men in the U.S. would not waste their time and wouldn't go on a second date if there was no chemistry the first date. Women, on the other hand, will give it a second chance. 56% of U.S. women would go on a second date and hope chemistry develops." Of course women would and should after all a significantly less oppotunity cost is involved.

That being said, place yourselves in the average Joe's shoes. He fits the mold of one who spends a $1200 a year on his dates. Now considering the fact that the average American Male marries at 27, (For women it is around 25) lets say he started seriously dating only out of high school. That means he will spend over $10,000 dollars to find Mrs. Right. Every man considers this situation upon every date. I know you may not believe me, but it's true. Maybe not all men deeply consider their 10 year plan when they ask you for your number, but they definitely reach for the wallet to check their situation, before reaching for the telephone to call you.

Some wonder why in Utah marriages pop up more ferociously than zombies in a cheap horror flick. Well, perhaps the fact that Mormons are encouraged to avoid dept and encouraged to marry, if they can find a girl with enough market return quickly, they feel it expedient to close the deal. Outside of Mormondom, while I'm not one to say save your money and buy an escort, you can maybe even see why some men of less self-esteem may indeed benefit on such a cost effective endeavor.