Shirking the Blog

Quite often I find myself shirking my blog because I just don't feel like writing. However, that's not entirely true. Sure, sometimes I'd rather be wiling the afternoon away in a hammock with a good book, drinking pineapple juice and listening to the sound of a midsummer rainstorm, but most often I don't write because I just don't want to make the effort. Or I think I might somehow not write up to my readers' expectations. Hopefully, that is always the case. I hope most of my posts are anticlimactic, and a waste of your time. I mean, you don't pay me enough to get A+ effort all the time. What am I saying? You don't pay me.

I just want to put up a thought, blurb, photo, series of photos, a clip, a satirical story, or something entirely random that makes you chuckle, guffaw, shoot milk out your nose, fall out of your chair, get mad, or make you cry yourself to sleep.

Guffawing with milk is not recommended. Neither is chuckling while crying yourself to sleep (that's just messed up). But then again, who are my readers? Maybe I should just make the assumption that they are all just as weird, quirky, and strange as I have a tendency to be on this blog.

Here are some photos:

In the computer.

You know what happens next.

Morbid? Yes. Funny? Yes.

Horses know how to guffaw.

And Peter Griffin knows how to make the most of his milk nose laughter.

What?! I'm lazy?!

You do realize that when I post a youtube clip or something from hulu it is because I have so much good material that I just can't decide what to write, right? That's correct. I am not lazy, or being uninventive. I have tons of great stuff coming for you. But, before all that, youtube is going to do its job.

Loved this. Way to play it off:



Oh, and this is how I plan on getting a job:

Are You Not Entertained?: Facetiousness and Waggishness

At times I think I put more into this blog than you do reader. I mean, it seems I just write, post videos and random pictures for your entertainment. Some might say, "But don't you love writing? Isn't your blog like some delicious daily therapy that makes you somehow into a better person?" To those people I say no. This blog is drivel. And no, I do not enjoy conjuring up drivel for you to lap up. Do I sound like I'm enjoying myself? Of course not. I'm having the worst time of my life. I'm on the verge of packing it in.

To those of you who are now shocked beyond question, maybe this isn't your kind of blog. That last paragraph was soaked thoroughly in gooey, marmalade sarcasm. Mmmm. Sarcasm. Sweet, sugary molasses. And, amazingly enough I have just broached the topic of today's post. Sarcasm.

This is sarcasm according to me, so please be as offended as you like. No one likes you anyway. You're extremely unattractive and smell bad. The best I could do was this picture to capture it:

If I could post smells I would.

Sarcasm is a tool. Just like your lungs, or a stapler (don't you tell me lungs aren't tools). Sarcasm can be used when life seems to suck, or if life is just overtly and disgustingly chipper. It also can be used when life is neither up nor down, when you are mired in a swamp or dank bog of mediocrity. So basically, sarcasm can be used all the time. 

The place where I was schooled in the art of sarcasm was in New England. And, more specifically, the south shore of Massachusetts. I have some fabulously uninteresting theories about why sarcasm abounds there like the drastic temperature and weather changes, the stubborn and genuinely crass and lovely individuals that live there, the Irish and preppy Waspish influence from the Southy to Cape Cod, and of course Lobstermen (or any maritime career), but I'm not going to do that (because I just did).

But, what is sarcasm? Well, in short, it's not just a tool, but a way of life. It's the art of making the best out of a bad situation, relationship, pair of pants, stained shirt, or seemingly pointless existence. Instead of getting down when things suck, or getting down when things are great, or getting down when things are neither, or getting down when you're on the dance floor and your favorite song is playing, you relish in the situation. Mock it. Trivialize it. Put it into perspective. If you are pissed off, and someone asks you how you are doing, smiling and saying, "I just won the lottery, and I'm going to waste it all at the dollar store," will make you feel better. I promise. And the other person might enjoy it. That's the other part of it. Using sarcasm is a social event. If no one gets it, you're probably just being bitter or stupid. Sarcastic remarks or anecdotes need to be witty, clever, sagacious even.

Now, I'm sure some of you have heard how damaging sarcasm can be. "It will rot your soul." "It is only used by people who are pathetic or unromantic." Well those people are absolutely right. Sarcasm is like a cancer that will kill you. Seriously. My favorite actor and cousin died of sarcasm. 

But, if you're really good at using it, you can trick sarcasm into killing itself, or someone else. So in that case I say use it frequently. Especially around inebriates or reprobates. 

THE END

Shameless Promotion

There comes a time when we must question our motives. We all do lots of different things, some consciously, others almost by reflex. Well, some of you might wonder at times why I write so religiously on this blog. I am devout. Perhaps at times even more devout than some Hasidic Jews are to the Torah or Talmud. Well, there are many reasons why I blog, but I guess it would be best to let the cat out of the bag. I blog so I can promote my blog. 

I mean, if I didn't ever write anything, how in the world would you expect me to promote it? It reminds me of the movie Tommy Boy, where Tommy (played by Chris Farley) says, "Hey, I can take a sh*t in a box and stamp it guaranteed, but what are you buying? A guaranteed piece of sh*t, that's what you are buying." I have to have something to sell before I start selling. If I just kept throwing up the URL to my blog on twitter and facebook all the time while linking it to a page with a hamster running around on a wheel, people would start to get restless. They might even work up the nerve to buy their own wheels and run around in them to get out all their angst. So, instead of allowing that to happen, I write stuff. Is it good? Well, I'd say there's a chance. 

Like in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd (Jim Carrey) asks Mary (Lauren Holly) what the chance would be of a guy like him getting with a girl like her. She responds, "One in a million," to which he responds, "So you're saying there's a chance?" 

So I write stuff. However, even more interesting than writing stuff, is promoting it. And, if I'm going to promote it, I might as well do it shamelessly. With that I mean ubiquitously and like a used car salesman. I don't just write on twitter or my facebook status, "Check out my blog, I wrote stuff." I write something more along the lines of: "Giant mutant rabbit attacks President Obama while he sells radioactive golf clubs on eBay," which of course actually happened.

But, beyond just promotion of my blog, I have, on more than one occasion told and even encouraged people to click on the advertisements on this blog. You might think my rationale for doing that is because I make more money. That's simply not true. I do it because every ad you click creates more jobs. You are supporting the economy, and perhaps even saving the world. One click at a time people. You can make a difference. And on that note, click on the ads, visit their sites, buy their stuff, and read my blog like it's water after a marathon. Read it like it's oxygen after holding your breath for 30 seconds. Read it like it's the cure for whatever ails you, because, it is.

Writing is good.

Writing is supposed to be therapeutic, or a release of sorts. It allows for a person to gather his or her thoughts, edit them, check if they are grammatically correct, and even use unnecessary large words to say something rather simple. But, sometimes we just don't feel it.

You can write when you are not in the mood, but rarely does it prove fruitful. But if fruits are not what interest you, then I suppose it might be worthwhile to do it anyway. Such is the case for me today. I'm writing about writing. You might think that that would indicate that I have a dearth of material. You would be wrong. I could be writing about the US-China space race, the recent Palestinian-Israeli conflict, John Travolta's son, the EU's new President Vaclav Klaus, or about how I'm reading the sixth book in the Chronicles of Narnia series, but I'm not.

I'm writing about writing. 

It can be entertaining (one of the main reasons I do it) or it can be therapeutic, as I mentioned earlier. Writing is essential for speaking well, reasoning well, and making sense of the world. However, while writing often helps the writer make sense of the world and his own thoughts on the world, the world still remains quite unpredictable, strange, and inexplicable to those who do not write, as well as it does for those who do write and do not agree with you. However, that is no reason to give up on writing. 

As you increase your vocabulary and reasoning skills through writing, you inevitably must embrace new theories, ideas, styles, and roots. While doing this of course your mind hypothetically or even quite literally expands and allows you more room to find room for other people's ideas, cultures, styles, and foundations. This newfound attitude of openness however does not mean that a person need throw out all of their initial pretenses for ones that may seem more erudite and evolved. But, what it does mean is that a writer must be more willing to entertain and consider opposing views, and ideas. That consideration in and of itself is progress.

Yay for progress! And, yay for writing.

I am Victorious.

VICTORY! Well, for now at least. Here's the breakdown of my day.

7:00am - Woke up

7:30am - Woke up

8:00am - Woke up (for real)

8:02am - Wanted to take a shower but couldn't, someone was in there

8:05am - Dressed and finished French shower (smelling like roses, but still being as filthy as the Seine River)

8:06-8:45am - Intermittent reading for 9 o'clock class, as well as reading of todays news and eating random stuff and halloween candy

8:45am - Walked to class

9:00am - Got to class just as the bell rang

9:00am-9:50am - Tried to stay awake in class. Started off great for the first 10 minutes (Being close to the front didn't help)

10:00isham - Got home with intention to nap until noon, but got distracted by life

10:45am-12:05pm - Sort of napped, yelled at a showering brother listening to Phish, put on headphones and listened to ambient sounds and the ocean.

12:06pm - Ate some ham, cheese and spinach tortilla sandwiches. Washed them down with milk

12:35pm - nowish - Wrote a ridiculously long paper for a class midterm with interruptions (friends, emails, facebook, this blog, etc.)

Current Time: 5:48pm - VICTORY. Well, for now.

Homework left to do: Shoot myself.

Papers, Papers, Everywhere!

I've been writing too much lately. But, it's really not going to stop any time soon. I've written a big chunky delicious paper each of the past two days (and I should have written two yesterday, but I didn't) and I have another paper twice as big to write for Thursday. I'm a bit light-headed from staring at my computer screen, not getting decent sleep, and some weird bug that's going around.

But who cares! I already wrote a post about how inebriation has helped some artists create better art. So maybe the same goes for me....I lkmef rn.kv krn.kv....pokpwd?.........l;;;;;;;;ytffffffffffffffffffgtrdcrttttttttdxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Ok. Perhaps not.

And who drooled on my keyboard?

House Plants

There is a new miracle cure for whatever ails you. Be it back aches, mild depression, anxiety disorder, scraped knees, cancer, flatulence, or writer's block. The name of this cure is, you guessed it, the house plant.

House plants come in many shapes and sizes, but all bring that same effect of life-giving renewal. You could have a yucca plant, and anthurium plant, or even a shoot of bamboo. Some people prefer cactus gardens, while others like the hanging gardens of Babylon (sinners).

Either way, you are curing your environment, warding off evil spirits (like CO2), and adding sweet delicious life (oxygen). But they are so much more than that. If placed well, they can cover stains on your rug, cover holes on your wall, or make a really tacky or dull room look like a lush rain forest (kind of a stretch). And, to cap it off, most plants have green on them, so a) that's good if you're Irish, b) green is the color of geniuses, and c) there is no c, just like it.

However, I should warn you, they can become an obsession and take over your life, and you will be living that book 'Where the Wild Things Are' forever.

English Diction

We as Americans, users of the english language, perhaps too often take it for granted. Some of us think of it as a slut or a mongrel because it adopts so many foreign words. Some might think it lazy not to come up with some words of its own. However, whether you like it or not, english is what we speak. It's true that it adopts a lot of words, but over 4,000 new words and uses are added to the Oxford English Dictionary every year. So while it may seem slutty, it gets the job done.

Here are some examples of adopted words: croissant, bureau, lasagna, schmuck, and garage

Some people deliberately anglicize many of these words, but in the instance with bureau and garage, it becomes difficult to do without getting strange looks from people. So here's a different take on the english language: It's flexible, versatile, and it is fairly easy to become conversational in it. Now, I don't believe it's easy to speak and write correctly (to be contrary to the thoughts of so many people), but you can learn it well enough, in a short enough period of time, to function efficiently in an english-speaking country.