Potato Guns Standard Issue with New Defense Budget Plan

Under the new defense plan promulgated by the DoD and Secretary of Defense Gates, the army will be equipped with "more cost-effective, tactical weaponry, over the armageddon scenario type weapons of the past," he said.

Well, he certainly was not mincing words with cost-effectiveness. Witness exhibit A:

Here we have (I can only presume) Captain Stubing, and his new potato gun. Standard issue now.

However, the larger guns are rather cumbersome for close range combat, so the defense plan also put a smaller version into production:

The best part is that you can get, as advertised, "300 shots from one potato". Talk about efficiency. Now, I don't know about you, but if I were Al Qaeda, I'd be wetting my pants right now. F-22s have got nothing on potato guns.

New Exhibit at the Smithsonian

I know, I know you've been anxious. Well, you're not the only one. For years many people have been bored out of their minds with the Smithsonian Museum. Too much wax, too many things to read, too many old bones. People asked for something real. Something now. Something that they could truly enjoy with the whole family. Well, our Commander-in-Chief obliged. 

The latest exhibit? President Obama's nose hair. 

The hair was carefully trimmed, culled, and individually selected to give people the highest quality museum experience. The White House barber, Sam Colenti, was quite pleased with the result and calls it his, "Obra Prima" or "Masterpiece".

"There can be little doubt. It is truly a great day for our museum. I was getting worried that we were going to be left out of this exciting new era of politics. Fortunately the President was very accommodating, giving us the best nose hair he had. He's such a giver. The exhibit is more than I ever could have hoped for," said Donald McDermott, the curator for the museum.

Guests also are pleased with the exhibit. Some coming from as far as the Philippines to see it. Maggie Glynden, of Monterrey, California, had this to say:

"After walking around looking at stupid rocks and stuff animals I was thinking it was going to be the worst day of my life....but then I saw this neon sign and heard a bunch of 'ooos' and 'ahs'. As I got closer the luster was brighter than the noon day sun. There they were. Tiny strands of mighty hair from the greatest nose to ever sniffle. It was breathtaking. Really."

"Some people may wonder how much such an exhibit costs, or even, what the point is. Well, it's simple. It cost $15 million dollars, and its purpose is to motivate people to get out and enjoy this country again. To enjoy its government again. To live again!" said Obama.

As he said this to me I looked around. I felt like I was at a rock concert. It was like Woodstock, but if the performers were all one guy who wore a suit and tie and stuttered contemplatively every now and then. I had to have some of that hair. It would be like finding an eternal rabbit's foot. The holy grail of luck charms. But as I attempted to get my own sample I was blocked by Secret Service Agents and sent home to blog about it. I haven't been this excited since they opened the exhibit for George Washington's false teeth.

Humor My Rant

I am really angry. I don't know who to be angry with. I guess I am just mad and all general directions. If you are still reading, here is the story. . . .

The day that Jeff lost his job, we got a letter from the high school band letting us know about the spring trip. The temporary itinerary included things like Disney World, Wet and Wild theme park and The Blue Man Group. Four fun filled days in the sun of Florida for my 16 year old and his band geek friends. Jeff and I were both in the band and we know how awesome the spring trips can be. I went to Florida, Myrtle Beach, Montreal, and Atlanta each year of my high school experience. I LOVED the spring trips. So of course I wanted my son to have the same rights of passage that I enjoyed in my youth. However, the cost of the trip was about $500 for the parents to pony up. I told Sam that we would commit to the trip but that he would have to work to defray some of the cost. The boy has done NOTHING. AND I found out this week that because he didn't participate in the citrus fundraiser, there was a buy out cost of an additional $160.00. So on top of the $400 that I have already paid, I got a notice that the trip has increased in cost and I owe an additional $465 by the beginning of next month.

Who should I be mad at? Well, I am mad at myself for not putting the screws to my son. I did make him apply for 2 jobs which he never followed up on. I am mad at my son for having seemingly no ambition. I am mad at the band for making such an expensive band trip and then forcing families to participate in the fundraisers or have a $160 buy out fee. Now, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll be mad for a bit. If you have any suggestions on how best to use this opportunity to teach my son a lesson about responsibility, let me know.

Mac vs. PC

Apple has fooled us all. And we like it.

The whole mac vs. PC thing is stupid. Let me just start with that. An Apple computer can do anything a PC can and vice versa. Sure, mac has a better advertising strategy, and managed to successfully brand themselves as something different than 95% of the computer industry, but the line is fading. Apple stores charge exorbitant sums for hardware, software, and limits what kind of products and services their affiliate can provide. And, their computers really are not any more reliable. I speak from first hand experience.

Just Tuesday, as I was typing a message on someone's Facebook wall my browser started having a seizure. So, I tried to force quit the browser, except, I couldn't. The whole computer then became irresponsive. So I shut it off. Upon rebooting, the screen went gray, and then instead of showing me profiles and asking for a password, I saw a blinking folder icon with a question mark. What I discovered is that this indicates one of three things:

a) your computer's operating system is not functioning properly
b) your computer cannot locate your hard drive
c) your hard drive has malfunctioned, been corrupted (ie: Armageddon)

So I got my tech savvy room mate to help, to no avail. I then asked the on-campus IT people to help, and they claimed they couldn't help with a personal computer (PC), - even though its a mac - so I brought it to an Apple affiliate to run a diagnostic knowing full well that I may lose all my files in a worst case scenario. In a best case scenario, it is just a software glitch, my drive's ok, and so are my files.

But my point is this: Apple computers are not impervious to failure like so many loyal mac people think. They overheat, breakdown, have software errors, and yes, they can even have viruses. And, they cost more. But still, I think they are good computers. I would not discourage anyone from buying one, just as I wouldn't discourage anyone from buying a PC. Just get whatever is the best bang for your buck. Cheap, reliable, etc. You know your criteria.

Girlfriends Cost too Much!

Time to lay down the secret that will answer all the questions that women all over the world are asking. Why did he not call me back? Why are men so seemingly "shallow?" Why can't I find Mr. Right? The answer is a simple word. Money.

It's the money, honey. For guys it takes a lot of cash to have the same amount of fun you ladies are having. If you finding dating fun that is. If you don't, just be careful not to be spoiled, because "51% of American men spend over $100 monthly on dates, and 29% spend over $150, while nearly 2/3 of U.S. women spend less than $50 a month." That means that one out of every three guys is spending over $1800 a year in hopes of finding that special someone.
That in mind, ladies, I realize that it may be difficult for you to find a good guy, but if he doesn't call you back, don't be offended. He's without a doubt weighing and calculating the prospect of future romantic endeavors against the estimated market costs, and for any number of reasons the social return may not meet the monetary investment. Or simply put, he's gotta lay down the dead presidents and you may not be worth the killing. It's no wonder that an estmated "68% of men in the U.S. would not waste their time and wouldn't go on a second date if there was no chemistry the first date. Women, on the other hand, will give it a second chance. 56% of U.S. women would go on a second date and hope chemistry develops." Of course women would and should after all a significantly less oppotunity cost is involved.

That being said, place yourselves in the average Joe's shoes. He fits the mold of one who spends a $1200 a year on his dates. Now considering the fact that the average American Male marries at 27, (For women it is around 25) lets say he started seriously dating only out of high school. That means he will spend over $10,000 dollars to find Mrs. Right. Every man considers this situation upon every date. I know you may not believe me, but it's true. Maybe not all men deeply consider their 10 year plan when they ask you for your number, but they definitely reach for the wallet to check their situation, before reaching for the telephone to call you.

Some wonder why in Utah marriages pop up more ferociously than zombies in a cheap horror flick. Well, perhaps the fact that Mormons are encouraged to avoid dept and encouraged to marry, if they can find a girl with enough market return quickly, they feel it expedient to close the deal. Outside of Mormondom, while I'm not one to say save your money and buy an escort, you can maybe even see why some men of less self-esteem may indeed benefit on such a cost effective endeavor.