Bashing the Pencil.

I think it's about time someone told you the truth about pencils.

They're lame.

You want an explanation? Try writing with one. We're talking endless sharpening, graphite on your hands (if you write a lot, and especially if you're a lefty), and splinters if you try to sharpen it without a legitimate sharpener (teeth usually are not, but every mouth is different). Now, I'd like to remind you that I'm only speaking of regular pencils. Don't even get me started on mechanical pencils (worst invention since the solar-powered flashlight). Remember these inventions?

(Yes, these are chocolates in the shape of pencils)

You might think I'm being harsh on pencils, but that's life. And, they're friggin' pencils. They can take it. And, they're not going anywhere any time soon. It's just that I ran out of writing implements the other day so I had to use a pencil, and it was like having the guy with the world's longest fingernails rasp on the roughest chalkboard ever made each stroke I took.

(What the heck is this? Seriously.)

And yes I know there are people who will come to the pencil's defense. Some people use them exclusively for their art. Some people use them to make science projects, obstacle courses, projectiles, and even use them as jewelry. Well, I am not one of those freaks. You might say I'm a different type of freak. The variety that doesn't care for pencils. I'm not an anti-pencilite. I just would rather use a pen. Or maybe a keyboard. And there you have it.

Go ahead pencilites. Convince me to join the ranks of your devoted graphite and wooden cult.

I don't even know what this is.

This however, is obvious.

Greatest Invention Since the Watering Can!

Throughout the history of mankind there have been great inventions. Man is an innovative, enterprising, clever being. Yet, man has made many silly inventions. Chin rests so you can sleep standing up, glasses with funnels for putting in eye drops, fake breasts for men who also want to nurse their kids, chopsticks with a built in fan to cool your noodles all come to mind.

Great for those long metro rides.

Because I'm too stupid to put them in my eyes directly and I like to waste money on bad eyewear.

He's a natural.

Then the fan fell into her soup spewing the scalding noodles all over her face.

However, as it turns out, today man has made a real breakthrough. Miraclegro in conjunction with Scott's Lawn products and world renowned geneticists are heralding the latest and greatest invention in landscaping since the watering can. Yes, they have invented self-trimming hedges.

These hedges come in all shapes and sizes, and will trim themselves according to your command. They're great for any special event, or just for fun.

Some are concerned that it will take work away from professional landscapers, and will ruin an art form that so many people in Disney World and Country Clubs have cultivated for years. But most are excited. Like me. Trimming the hedges is not that fun. Now they can trim themselves. However, I worry that they might start trimming other things. Like my cat. Little Shop of Horrors comes to mind.