Was Thomas Jefferson a Citizen?

For a while (and even now) people were worried about Obama's citizenship and the situation of his birth. Some claimed he was born in Kenya, others that he was a citizen of Indonesia, some claimed he was a space alien, yada yada. Well there is a bigger story now looming on the horizon.

Archeologists recently discovered documents that indicate that Thomas Jefferson was born in Kenya. The piece of elephant hide inscribed with the date of his birth in hyena blood was found in the back of his wine cellar at his home in Monticello. This new discovery has shaken historians to the very core.

"It means the Declaration [of Independence] was written by a foreigner. He was a tribesman who apparently led a very nomadic life," said Rich Holman, Historian from the University of Virginia.

His colleague Frank Martin had this to say:

"It puts the whole story about him having affairs with his slaves on its head. Who knew he was one of them?" 

Apparently his Kenyan tribesmen knew. And, according to another document found near the record of his birth, he was married to his Kenyan wife before he married his American wife Martha Skelton. 

This new revelation about one of America's forefathers comes at an interesting time. It seems as if Obama would have nothing to fear if he let out that he was indeed born abroad.

Wishing you a happy bday from Facebook

By now you should be familiar with Facebook. It is the soul-swallowing leviathan of online social networking. And yes, it has swallowed my soul. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I'm not alone. This brings comfort and distress. But, there are good things that come from Facebook. 

One good thing is that for some people, the only benefit to being my Facebook friend is getting a happy birthday wall post once a year. That is a boon. Having actual meaningful more commonplace interaction would be stifling. The 'happy bday' wall post is my classic way of saying, "I can read the reminder list on the right side of my home page and type in all lowercase one and a half words and click my mouse once." But some people are more blessed than others in this bestowal of positive birthday wishes. For people I don't know all that well, or let's be honest, don't care too much about, I usually just write "happy bday," copy and paste it and post it on the next wall of a similar acquaintance. However, for those people who I actually know and love I might even write something like, "Happy birthday John," or "Hope you have a good one chief." As you can see, in both of these instances I actually capitalize some letters, and even write a complete sentence. The message is individualized with the name, or an endearing pseudonym like 'chief,' 'slugger,' 'tiger,' or 'kiddo.'

The yearly birthday wish may seem trivial to some of you, but I suggest that it is more than what I alluded to. Think of it as self-validation. Think of it as an honest expression from someone who actually exists and also recognizes that you exist, and, even have a birthday. Sure you put your birthday in your profile information so I don't have to really remember it, but I did take the time to write one and a half words on your wall. I didn't hire any robots or spiders or other spam systems to do it for me. My fingers actually pressed down on the keys. Really. You're welcome.

But of course that isn't to say that I only validate humans. How many of you are friends with dogs or other pets? Me too.

A Tony Robbins' Day After Christmas

Happy day after Christmas. I am now being forced to listen to Tony Robbins' 'Personal Power II,' my Christmas present from my Aunt. My brother put the first tape into the stereo. It's pretty amazing so far. I am learning how to be a successful person. All these years have been a waste. He just said, "You would not have invested in this series unless you wanted to change." Well, let's just say Tony, you read my mind. By the way, the synthesizer sound track is great.

On another note, my other brother is listening to a bunch of random 80s songs. "Our House" (in the middle of our street) by Madness, Van Halen, many Billy Idol songs. Basically I am having the time of my life. Nothing could be better than Billy Idol and Tony Robbins while typing a blog post on a fold out couch.

Another interesting note about today: Not only is it the day after Christmas, but it is my father's birthday. Imagine how great that must be. More than half a century of Birthmas Days. He does, however, get the advantage of after Christmas sales. 

Happy birthday Dad.

Honoring a great man

He was a great man. He always remembered people's birthdays. He sent thank you cards for everything. He was patient with children. He looked both ways before crossing the street. He danced in a way that was neither too provocative nor too prude. He always cleared his plate. He washed his dishes. He didn't pick his nose in public. 

He was a great man.

Yet, no one liked him. He wasn't edgy enough. He didn't cheat on his girlfriends, and he refused to tease people. His sunshiny face and bubbly demeanor even pissed off Sesame Street Characters not named Oscar. He was too perfect. He was an outcast among the Muppets, and Barney cringed when he saw him at PBS awards benefits.

He did what society asked of him, and society hated him for it. In essence he was society's b*tch. 

Good bye friend. You were one of the greatest men to ever not live.

All Hail Lord Obama!

Well, it's finally over. We can now sing praises to our new King. Obama the mighty savior of the USA! Now we won't have to pay for gas, the financial crisis will disappear, we won't have to pay for healthcare or mortgages and we will all work for the new national civilian defense force. If that weren't enough we will now have no sadness. Every single person is guaranteed absolute happiness through master Obama's new proposals.

Our mighty new Emperor will bring prosperity to all. He is leader. We all serve him with one heart and mind. He knows best. We will all get everything we ever wanted for our birthdays, and other holidays. A new holiday will be added to the calender: Lord Obama's birthday.

Your tap water will turn into your favorite drink. Your refrigerator will be automatically refilled with your favorite food, courtesy of Obama's intangible, but real love for all of us. You will become more physically fit by watching his speeches. Your yard work will do itself. You will receive twice your salary for half the work. You can have 27 wives or 32 husbands regardless of sex (you can also have both options). 

We will party all day wading in a velvet sea. And this could be our new anthem.