Local School Class Hamster Successfully Undergoes Last Chemo Treatment

Dorchester, Mass. - Children in Mrs. Winterbottom's 2nd grade class at Whatsherbucket Elementary School were surprised with the news from their resident veterinarian, fellow classmate Johnny Rosenblatt, that their beloved class hamster pulled through its last chemotherapy treatment.

The hamster had developed prostate cancer as of September of last year, said Rosenblatt.

"I'm so happy that little Fur Nugget is still with us. He had us worried. I think now we get a pizza party," said Miley Gilmore, class psychologist, and winner of last week's math olympics.

The hamster has been with the class since the summer of 2012, when "Fur Nugget" replaced a previous hamster named "Old Fuzzy" who had gotten himself stuck underneath a washing machine and was only able to be extricated three days too late by the jaws-of-life.

"I don't know what a prostate is, but I'm glad Fur Nugget is still with us after all that chocolate milk and ketchup packets Johnny put in his butt," said Theodore Frugal, class idiot.

Update on Chicken Man

You may remember a story I wrote back in December about a man who wanted to become a chicken through hormone therapy. Well now there is an update. This man also sought to be legally declared a chicken, but was dealt a blow today by a Washington state court judge who instead of legally declaring him a chicken, had him legally declared a Bobwhite quail. However, only one week later that judge was overruled by a circuit court judge on the grounds that the prior judge was clinically insane and legally unfit to oversee the case, because, according to the circuit court judge, "It was quite obvious that the man more closely resembled a wood duck."

The man/chicken/Bobwhite quail/wood duck in question was born Leroy Jones. However, it is still unclear what his name will be once he gains full bird status. However, the birdman's psyche has been severely shaken as this devastating series of court rulings have come down. Rumors have it that the birdman might actually sue both of the judges for emotional damages in order to cover his psychiatry bills.

Being afraid of the Great Mole Rat, and other phobias

Today I've decided to write a random list of phobias. I slimmed down my list so as only to pick the funniest and most ridiculous ones. However, I am of course putting out a disclaimer and apology if you suffer from any one of these and you think I'm mocking your pain (I am).

Pupaphobia - Fear of puppets

Papaphobia - Fear of the Pope

Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women

Pteronophobia - Fear of being tickled by feathers

Arachibutyronophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words

Novercaphobia - Fear of step mother

Urophobia - Fear of urine or urinating

Oneirogmophobia - Fear of wet dreams

Hobophobia - Fear of bums or beggars

Cibophobia - Fear of food

Deciophobia - Fear of making decisions

Helmintophobia - Fear of being infested with worms

Peladophobia - Fear of bald people

Ailurophobia - Fear of cats

Ergophobia - Fear of working

Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns

Orinthophobia - Fear of birds

Erythrophobia - Fear of blushing

Tetraphobia - Fear of the number 4

Zemmiphobia - Fear of the great mole rat

My favorite is the last one, zemmiphobia. Fear of the great mole rat. Who is this mole rat? What makes him so great? And, why should I fear him? Oh, and I love the irony of the fear of long words being a ridiculously long phobia. I almost didn't believe it was legitimate. It is. Don't bother checking.

But now, imagine running into a bald bird puppet that is infested with worms with the number four on its chest urinating on you. Then, as you are convulsing with the fright of it, the great mole rat attacks you.

Punching Frozen Meat, a Decent Past Time

It was glorified in the Rocky movies. It never became much of a trend. But now it's on the the rebound. You guessed it, punching frozen meat. While initially the idea of smashing your fist against a rock hard side of beef isn't all that appealing, it turns out it has amazing psychological benefits. Dr. Kroger of Smith's Academy in Plympton, Massachusetts had this to say:

"Many of my patients suffer from anxiety, stress, and bouts of depression. I used to prescribe medication and talk therapy, but last weekend I was watching Rocky, and I stumbled upon a new idea. Instead of trying to alter their dopamine levels with drugs, I could let them regenerate themselves through violence. When I saw Rocky punching that meat I thought, 'Perfect, this is a match made in heaven.'"

Although Kroger's new treatment is highly experimental, it has already been hailed by some as a miracle cure. One of his more serious cases, involving a patient who asked not to be named, praised Kroger's meat punching tactics saying, 

"I used to have horrible daydreams of pink elephants sitting on my head. They would do it for hours and I could only flail my legs and arms in anguish, but now I pretend that the frozen meat is the pink elephant. I can see his cheeky little smile, but he can't sit on me now. Sure, I've broken a few bones in my hand, but hey, no more elephants are sitting on my head."

Stories like this are not uncommon. Apparently punching frozen meat allows the stressed patient to release in a way that in the past was thought only possible with chemical alteration. It has brought a new hope to many.

Dr. Al Murphy, of Sarasota Springs, Florida, had this to say:

"I have tried to find the perfect substrate for my patients to punch out their anger and stress for years now, but I've never been quite satisfied. Pillows didn't give back enough. Concrete gave back to much. Abusing small rodents never felt right. But punching frozen meat, it's like a revelation. I've prescribed punching frozen meat to almost half of my clientele. 

Whether or not the treatment will remain effective for long periods of time is hard to say, but for right now, there's a new hope. You may want to buy your frozen meat to punch before the big rush. Prices are still reasonable with the economic funk the US is in, but as the crisis deepens, demand promises to be higher.