The Corn Dog Diet

Corn dogs: neither corn on the cob, nor a dog. Sure they contain corn, and hot dogs, but that just opens a whole new can of worms. Hot dogs aren't made from dogs either. In fact they're made from excess pig parts that no one else wanted. So why not call a hot dog a "hot cylinder of pig entrails," and call a corn dog a "cylinder of pig entrails wrapped in processed corn bread." Mmmm. Just makes the mouth water. But, even knowing all that, and renaming it, people would still buy them. Why? Because they taste good. Sure, they might give you a coronary, but what doesn't these days? I mean you can have heart problems from eating hamburgers and french fries for crying out loud. You can become sterile from staring at a microwave, or get brain cancer from using your cell phone too much. So, why not indulge in a corn dog? Might as well.

I know I won't turn one down when I'm offered one. 

But, speaking of corn dogs, I have a friend who loves them. He in fact lives off of them. I'm not kidding. He eats a steady diet of corn dogs and soda. And yet, he manages to remain quite trim and full of vim and vigor. Some of you may envy him, and rightly so. He is a man of men. God of corn dogs. A brilliant anomaly showing just how good processed food and American consumerism can be to one person. This is why I suggest the corn dog diet. I do not suggest it for Jewish people, unless they can find corn dogs that are made of lamb, but for all the other heathens I whole-heartedly endorse it. This is how the corn dog diet looks each day of the week:

Breakfast:

Microwave 2 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of root beer

Refill glass as needed

Lunch

Microwave 3 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer or coke from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass or root beer or coke

Refill glass as needed

Dinner

Microwave as many corn dogs as you want

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of Dr. Pepper

Refill glass as needed

Repeat Daily.

I hope I have not sent too many of you to your unwitting and unfortunate demise. Good luck.

A Tribute to Mahmoud

As we get seemingly closer to Iran every day with diplomacy under President Obama, I thought it fitting that I post this video. It is funnier when you put it into context. If you are gay in Iran they can execute you. And, since Mahmoud (as I will affectionately call him) uses a lot of fiery rhetoric against the US (the great Satan), homosexuals, and the Jews, I think this is very well done. It stars Andy Samberg and Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and of course, our dear friend Mahmoud (played by Fred Armisen).

Satire Report Blocked by the BYU Gestapo

Well well well. Turns out the Stasi/Gestapo BYU site blocking censors finally got me. It's probably because all I put up is extremely offensive, full of swears, pornographic and just not aesthetically pleasing. Not enough fluffy bunnies and oatmeal raisin cookie recipes.

I feel honored to be blocked by BYU. I think it means I'm edgy. My content is crazy edgy. I'm sticking it to the man, not because I am trying to, but because the man believes I am. How cool is it to stick it to the man without trying? I would have to say, pretty cool.

This episode of censorship reminds me of a story of two of my friends in high school. I don't think it's fair to say we were good friends, because I for one, was entirely opposed to something they held dear. Censorship. They were two goody-two-shoes girls who loved reading. I asked them on one occasion what they thought of The Catcher in the Rye. The response I got was unexpected. "Oh, that book is terrible. Nothing but swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain. I crossed out all the bad parts though," one said. I figured that she owned the copy, but then the other had a sudden outburst, "Yeah, we check out a lot of books at the library, then we cross out the bad parts with permanent markers and turn them back in." Wow. I was shocked. It was one thing to edit something for yourself, but editing public property? Yikes. And they were dead serious.

So, ever since then I've been even more skeptical of censorship. It probably doesn't help that I also have read Fahrenheit 451, 1984, Animal Farm, and seen Equilibrium. But, at the same time, although BYU might like to think it's got some amazing system for burning books and blocking blogs, it doesn't come close. As it turns out, my blog wasn't targeted like I thought. BYU just blocked any external links on facebook. If you type my blog in your browser on campus, BYU permits it. So what it really comes down to isn't a competent diabolic censor trying to stifle free speech and kill my superhero creative juice, but just an inept system that blocks indiscriminately. I bet it would even block a link to a Helping Hands Service site that was linked to facebook. Oh silly BYU.

I will however, continue to promulgate the fact that I was blocked by BYU. I will wear it like a badge of courage. Maybe I'll even post in the corner somewhere, "This site was blocked by the BYU Gestapo." That would work better for me than a good Zagat's rating. But, on the other hand, people who see that might be disappointed when they see all of my kosher content. So, I'm going to have to post more pictures of cloven hoofed animals. Maybe I can get another little badge that says, "Content on this site not Kosher in any way, see look at all the pork products." 

PS - I'm sorry to my Jewish friends.

Here is an oatmeal raisin cookie recipe:

INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)

3/4 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup white sugar
3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 3/4 cups rolled oats
1 cup raisins

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).

In large bowl, cream together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs and vanilla until fluffy. Stir together flour, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Gradually beat into butter mixture. Stir in oats and raisins. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden brown. Cool slightly, remove from sheet to wire rack. Cool completely.

And a picture of something fluffy:

Pickles Destroying the Environment, not really green

Pickles. Delicious, crunchy, succulent, green, great on sandwiches, great by themselves. A treat. Pickles first came about around 4400 years ago in Mesopotamia. The art of pickling was carried out and well known to the Indians, Greeks, and Romans. And, later was taken to the new world by the Jews, who came up with a worldwide sensation with the "kosher" dill pickle. 

The Kosher dill pickle is usually not kosher in the sense that it has been prepared under rabbinical supervision, which would ensure that no non-kosher ingredients were used, and that no utensil in contact with the pickles had ever been in contact with food that was not kosher. Rather, it is a pickle made in the traditional manner of Jewish New York City pickle makers, with generous addition of garlic to the brine (And, a little FYI - all cucumbers that become pickles become so in a vat of brine or vinegar).

However, something startling has come to the attention of many eco-crusaders and climate change experts. Pickles, while seemingly green and innocuous, and in fact quite delicious are in fact causing a large percentage of CO2 emissions that are causing global warming. From when they are planted and harvested all the way to being served on a kaiser roll with pastrami, one solitary pickle produces more devastating amounts of CO2 than even a direct flight from Hong Kong to LA in a 747.

Lenny Badsteubner of Reuben's Deli in the Bronx had this to say:

"Pickles are my livelihood. They are beautiful. They are crunchy. They bring smiles to all the little people's faces. I refuse to believe they destroy the environment. They are the environment in my Deli."

But even with his clever turn of phrases, Lenny might soon be out of work. The NYPD has been formally charged with making a pickle task force in conjunction with EPA officials. Their mission statement is to be, "Green they may seem, but green they are not. Kill the pickles. Let them rot."

Fred McGruff, a local police officer stationed near a deli said:

"I don't know who thought of that stupid mission statement, but even though my brain says, 'whoa, this is rash, you love pickles Fred, don't do this,' my heart and my boss say that it's either the pickles or us. It's come down to the last battle. Either I support an industry that's bound to bring about the end of the world and I lose my job, or I start smashing pickle jars like it's the new prohibition. And it's not like we're getting rid of chocolate ice cream."

Pickles, while delicious, and perhaps even endearing to some, are in fact destroying the world. Just a jar of pickles is said to warm the earth's atmosphere more than a thousand homes with their thermostats set on 90 degrees all winter. Apparently the vinegar and brine solutions are made with the help of very exasperated old Jewish men who exhale more of the stuff than a coal plant. That, and shipping the pickles in hybrid cars only exacerbates the problem. 

"I can't fit more than 3 big jars at a time in one of those hybrids, so I have to make lots of trips. That, and they say it's moot anyway because making hybrids is apparently less green than making normal cars. I'm at a loss. The only solution I can see is to just sell cucumbers on roadsides right next to the patch and call them pickles," said Benjamin Steinman of Kat's Deli said.

Whether the end of pickles has come or not remains to be seen, but, it does not look good. Cherished for centuries, pickles now face extinction. If only the Mesopotamians had known, this all could have been avoided.

Catcher in the Pumpernickel

I like bread. I like sandwiches. But, there are a lot of fakers out there. And, there are people who are innocent of the intricacies and nuances of the delicatessen. Being very familiar with what makes a good sandwich, I want to prevent the fakers from deceiving the innocents. I want the innocents to know of the goodness of the sandwich without having to ruin their unsoiled palate on garbage. I am therefore, the Catcher in the Pumpernickel.Holden Caufield wanted to protect innocence. As do I. But his was more broad. Mine is more bread. Pumpernickel is a derivative of rye and rye berries from Germany. Rye is therefore the larger issue of innocence, and pumpernickel then stands to represent the smaller (albeit critical) issue of delicatessen innocence.Subway, Quizno's, and D'Angelo's are trying to rape your palate (Please excuse my overly zealous metaphor, I'm making a point). They are homogenized and run by only moderately qualified people who are just trying to make a buck. They may have good sandwiches, but they are not delis.Delis came to being in this country in the Jewish boroughs of New York City. It is there that rye bread, pastrami, sauerkraut, sausage, cheddar, and everything good about sandwiches came to be. The reason that these particular ingredients were used is due to the often indigent circumstances of European Jews prior to their sustained immigration from the turn of the century leading up until after WWII. But they brought these great tastes, and fabulous culture with them. They are the root of good American sandwiches.
So, before you deliver your soul to the corporate franchises, get back to the root. Make a trip to NYC, or find a Mom and Pop store near you, where they have chutzpah, flavor, and a love of life and sandwiches. Don't settle for mundane homogenization. Go to where it's real, it's passionate, it's pumpernickel.