New Study: Eating ice is good for you

After a ten year study scientists and dentists alike from the Smile Happy Council have come to the conclusion that eating ice is not so bad. In fact, eating ice can be a good thing for your health. Some of the reasons cited were as follows:

* Eating ice reduces boredom 

* Eating ice also improves jaw strength

* Eating ice reduces stress

* (Most dentists agree) Even if the ice breaks your teeth, they can be fixed for a nominal fee 

* Eating ice can be a good way to start social interactions with people you do not know

* Eating ice can be a good way to get people's attention

* Eating ice is great for movie sound effects

* If you are agitated at a loved one, eating ice near their ear is a creative way to reprimand

The study had a sample size of 15,000 ice eaters and 15,000 non-ice eaters and was carried outfrom 1999 to 2009. Dr. Klenners, who led the study, had this to say:

"Ice eating has been in my family for generations. It's a family past time really. I started the study to see if it had benefits and to dispel myths about eating ice. I think the results are going to surprise some people. Now instead of 'an apple a day' people might start with 'a tray of ice cubes a day.' It's just wonderful. And such a social activity. I even do it with my dog."

The team who worked on the study highlighted the importance of social interaction with ice eating. Of all the 15,000 ice eaters studied, only 5% said they did it in private. One such outlier, Bob Barnes had this to say:

"I'm ashamed of the way it crunches. Everybody stares at me. I usually just grab a tray of ice and munch it in the closet. That way their beady little eyes aren't glaring at me or my ice."

It was also determined that Mr. Barnes is somewhat of a schizophrenic. Most people who ate ice did so in public so they could share with friends and "spread the joy" of eating ice to those they loved. Some scientists thought this might be a subliminal type of indoctrination strategy, but Margaret Johansen, ice eater extraordinaire, had this to say:

"Eating ice takes the edge off for me. It's like eating something and punching a wall at the same time. That, and if I eat it just before eating super frozen ice cream it makes the experience so much easier. I also love having friends over when I eat ice. We can all sit around in a circle and vent with a bowl of ice in the middle. The crunch soothes as we let it all out."

Margaret's story was in fact not all that uncommon. While women in the study connected their ice eating to stress reduction, men tended to do it because it was "fun" or "crunchy." Sam Steuer, a Packers fan, said, 

"Eating ice is awesome. It's like eating rocks made of water....frozen water. And, when me and my buddies get together for tailgating at Lambeau field sometimes all we have to drink...er...eat is buckets of ice. It's what makes us men."

The new evidence of the social, physical, and psychological benefits of eating ice are astounding. Over time the Smile Happy Council hopes to push more ice onto the menus of public schools, local franchise restaurants, and make it more available at grocery stores. Certain wholesale food companies are already toying with the idea of novelty ices with fun shapes like penguins and balloons. Where it all will lead, nobody knows, but, happy chewing!

Non-existent Utah snow removal

It has not stopped snowing here in Provo. It began yesterday. Bear in mind, I like snow. In fact, I would not mind if there were a blizzard outside. Basically, as long as it's in the right season I'm down with it. But, there is something I find a bit ridiculous about this snow and Utah. As most of you know (or perhaps you have no idea), on license plates out here in the great state of Utah there is a phrase. It says "The greatest snow on earth." Now, I'm not about to dispute that, but I do find a bit lacking for a place that had the winter Olympics in 2002 and a slogan like that to not have sufficient snow removal services.

For the past two days the streets have been caked with powder, slush, and ice. Occasionally plows come out and do their job, but their service is infrequent at best. Now, to juxtapose that with snow removal in Massachusetts - where at the first sign of a winter storm plows are grinding the pavement with sparks flying - Utah is inept. I really don't get it. Maybe they pay the plow drivers more in Massachusetts. Maybe they have more plows, sand, and salt in Massachusetts. I do not know. All I know is that if Utah is going to say it has the "greatest snow on earth," it better have the greatest snow removal services on earth to match it. I mean, it's not like Utah is not familiar with snowy streets. If they were going to take their slogan seriously they should have diamond snow plow blades encrusted in gold, to plow that beautiful Utah powder. Will it happen? Yes. When I become governor (which will be never).

Polar Bears become global warming skeptics

You've seen them on coca-cola commercials. You've seen them in made for TV documentaries. You've seen them in zoos. They are white, enormous carnivores who live in arctic. Yes, they are polar bears.

And, for a while now the global warming crowd has been using them as their poster child (bear). The claim is that the ice on which they navigate to hunt seals is dwindling to levels that a sure to endanger the polar bear. Well, the polar bears have decided to speak out.

This winter arctic sea ice closed in faster than ever. And, glaciers from Alaska to Greenland have expanded in size, and are continuing to do so. It is then, in this environment that the polar bears wanted a say. The leader of their movement, Papa Bear, called a press conference just this morning only a mile from a beach laden with overweight seals. Here is an excerpt from his speech:

"GRrrrrrrrrroooorrrr. uumph. RRRRRRROOOOOOughh," which, translated means, "We're joining the global warming skeptics."

A reporter from the BBC asked Papa Bear after the press conference why he had come out against the global warming crowd, and was promptly responded with a charge and then was mauled and eaten. All other questions following it were done from a loud speaker by reporters on an icebreaker several hundred yards from the coast.

Famous polar bear scientist Ralph Holmgren from Sweden had this to say of the news:

"I've been studying polar bears all my life. They are very intelligent and inquisitive. All of the ones I have been in contact with were rather unabashed when it came to their position on any issue, be it eating me, beating me, or destroying my shack. That the polar bears would make their political position on global warming in such a way doesn't surprise me."

This new revelation from the polar bear community is sure to turn the global warming argument on its head in the coming weeks. Those who most adamantly supported the polar bears prior to their announcement are now withdrawing their support. Phil Pfister of the IPCC said:

"Well, I used to think they were endangered by global warming. I gave my kids stuffed polar bear toys and polar bear posters to hang above their beds. But now those bastards have double-crossed us. They were the whole face of our argument. Now what are we supposed to do? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to start by burning those posters and putting those stuffed animals on pikes. Then who knows, maybe we'll start picketing on the ice flows."

The backlash against the polar bears has been received by the polar bear community with indifference. A video blog response from Papa Bear showed him grunting for about five minutes while scratching his backside with a penguin.