Sharing Colloquialisms with the World

I had to chuckle today (Yes, I was forced at gun point). I was looking at some of the stats for this blog and I ran down a list of all the languages people read this blog in. I find it amazing, and I don't know quite who would be responsible for translating this thing in so many languages. I guess google does it for me. Here is a list of the languages (some of which I know are distinguishable, others I don't quite get):

US English, English, British English, French, Brazilian Portuguese, German, French from France, Hungarian, Portuguese, Portuguese from Portugal, Spanish from Spain, Italian, Finnish, Danish, Dutch/Flemish, Swedish from Sweden, Swiss, Argentine Spanish, Croatian, Polish, Turkish, Chinese from Taiwan, Greek, and just straight up Swedish.

The ones I find most humorous are the US English versions versus the British English versions. Now I know I spell words like an American, and even use a lot of American events and colloquialisms as material, but how do they translate my blog into British English? When I say, "That's just right" do they translate it as "Spot on"? When I put a question mark inside the quotation do they push it to the outside? I'm curious. I think I'm going to start reading my blogs in British English. Then maybe I'll move on to Finnish. What pleases me is that I do seem to get more than just a few readers from outside the United States. I have regular readers in Java and Taiwan apparently, and plenty of French and British readers. I salute you all.

Oh, and while I'm pretty sure this is available in various Indian dialects, I haven't seen all that many Mumbai residents reading this. Pakistanis seem to like it though. I don't know what that means. But, at any rate, I wanted to share with you a list of colloquialisms I found online. And, I make this list in part because I think it would be hilarious translated into Mandarin or Swedish.

(This book is a must read)

My kitchen's so small, you can't swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.

He has the attention span of a chicken on speed.

As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...

So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon...

As shallow as a saucer

Lower than a duck's butt

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock

Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.

Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.

Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm

That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!

Couple Sandwiches short of a picnic

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

Nosier than a mule in a tin shed.

Faster than a blind dog's tail in a meat market.

Trying to nail Jell-O to the wall

Quit running around like a fart in a bottle.

His eyes bugged out like a stomped on toad frog.

It'll work...Like a windshield wiper on a goat’s ass

(to have suffered diarrhea): "I've just spent tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings"

I'm hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule...

Slower than smoke off of a cool turd...

On Futility: It's like trying to herd cats.

Don't get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!"

Quit your cryin'. You're gettin' the floor wet.

Elevators in the basement and the cords have been cut.

Obviously, you weren't spanked enough as a child.

Happier than a four-peckered goat.

Whatever blows your skirt up for ya

He's so clumsy he'd trip over a cordless phone.

He's about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.

He couldn't carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.

She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.

It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.

NO!! I AM NOT FALLING ASLEEP!! I was just checking for holes in my eyelids.

I hope you enjoyed those. Although you may not think so, I did take out some of the more crass ones.



This clip is a great remix of a fabulously underused colloquialism.



And this is just funny. And, maybe it's how this blog gets translated into British English.

An Unimportant Role in a Short Film

Today I played an unimportant role in a short film. I was a piano mover. And, as realistic as it probably looked with me wearing a Ralph Lauren sweater and boat shoes with a splint on my hand, the real genius in my part was that they never saw my face. My co-unimportant actor/piano mover friend Brian was on the back end of the piano and I faced him as we moved it onto an elevator. 

All we were supposed to do was get in between this guy who was desperately trying to talk to a girl in the elevator, but we hammed it up. We took several takes and each time we changed either the accent, the language, or the dialogue. On the last take I spoke Cantonese saying, "Thanks trash," and "I love you," while Brian stared longingly into the eyes of the main character. On another two takes we both spoke portuguese and talked about football and the sexuality of the main character. In another take Brian started talking with a cockney accent and I was speaking in French. He said, "So what did you think of her then?" To which I said in French, "Excuse me madam, I am cheese." And on another take I said in a South London accent, "Pardon me love," to the elevator girl and then talked about the English Premier League.

All in all it was good fun and I hope we provided the film makers with some stuff that won't get them kicked out of their film class. I also suggested that they enter it into an international film festival. Then the world could get to see the back of my head in Hong Kong, France, the UK, and in Brazil. 

The World doesn't elect America's President.

You know what I just love? Don't answer that (that could lead to a number of crude responses). I love the media's use of polls. The media loves them. Politicians love them. Or, they hate them. If the poll says what they want, they put it on the front page. If it doesn't, it gets put in the classifieds. Well, a recent poll that has no relevance at all says that the people of the world want Obama as President.

First off, just a little FYI to media people who thought that poll somehow mattered, this is an AMERICAN election. In this election, who matters are the AMERICAN candidates, and what the AMERICAN people want. 80% of the French want Barack (This picture of Barack comes from the French magazine Le Monde. 

Well guess what France, you can have him after the election, if he defects and becomes a French citizen, but for now, we decide. Obviously the percentage is just as high in Kenya, but once again, Kenya is not the US, and neither is Russia, another country that also wants him to be President.

And, if it weren't enough that we have to hear about how the rest of the world wants to run our country, the beleaguered British PM Gordon Brown praised Obama's charisma and economic platforms, in a time when his party is anything but motivated. He claims that he has not endorsed Obama, but in the article that was written by one of his party's junior staffers, there was no mention of McCain. Seems like a 'not so discreet, under the table, while handing the goods to the wrong hands' type of endorsement to me. 

At any rate, while some may argue that the Presidency of the US is a global issue, because we are the world's lone superpower (excluding an emerging China, and a resurgent Russia), the fact remains, that the responsibility and privilege to elect OUR head of state, does still reside in the hands of the American people, and not in the world's hands. It is not the United States of the World. But the United States of America. Now let's stick to the issues, and let America figure out its own domestic affairs (I know we don't always let the rest of the world do it, but if I were president, sovereign states would remain that way under most conditions, and as far as I know the US is a sovereign state).

Olympics moved to moon

So China got the skies clear just in time for the Olympics. Supposedly. After taking half of the normal 3.3 million cars off the road and a little artificial precipitation, they have breathable air (or so they want you to think). The truth is, the IOC has recently agreed to host the Olympics on the moon. Even with all the capital improvements (like that giant bird nest stadium thing), and the demolition of entire swathes of neighborhoods to build random shops and venues in Beijing, the best option has been, and still remains, the moon. And as it turns out, the Chinese have laid claim to it as a former possession (even prior to Taiwan, although they still believe it is made of Cheese and sits on the back of a giant turtle). Apparently they'll even be there before the US returns, so the IOC decided we might as well hold the opening ceremonies there.

French President Sarkozy says, "This is a great decision, I've always wondered what would be the best wine with a moon landing." And I'd have to agree. I've always wanted to see the long jump from outer space, and swimming in near zero g.  I think the IOC has finally got it right for a change.

Chinese moon taken from this blog.

Paris

One thing that I've always found interesting: Every woman wants to go to Paris.  It is like the world's Mecca for women to go to find themselves. I've had a lot of my lady friends go there recently. And, I have nothing against the city, but I get very skeptical about its mystique and amazingness when almost every ridiculously overt and entirely unmitigated and trusting endorsement comes from the mouths of women. And, generally they call it wonderful and exciting before they even set foot there.

The truth is, Paris is kinda cool, but very dirty. There are great museums, shops, gardens (but you can find that in other parts of France minus the filth, sleaze, and weirdness). I just think we should broaden our horizons a bit. Women need to stop letting their fantasies control them. Paris is the metrosexual son of King Priam without cajones that started the Trojan war by kidnapping Helen. Paris is the daughter of the Hiltons who has no taste or class, and no intelligence. Almost all the cities named after Paris in the US suck (like Paris Idaho). And Paris in France is only a little better than all those aforementioned Parises.  

Picture found here.