10 Ways to be Successfully Lame

Here is a list of 10 ways to be successfully lame:

1. Rake up your neighbor's leaves, put them in your yard, and then leave them there all winter.

2. Write a blog post describing 10 ways you can be successfully lame.

3. Tousle your hair with gel or wax into some random position just because you can.

4. Don't go to a friend's party because 'You don't feel like it,' or because you want to go to another party with a bunch of random people you don't know or care about.

5. Abscond with someone's forks and don't give them back for a month, and never, at any point claim responsibility even when they know it was you.

6. If you have a name other than Bill, rename yourself Bill.

7. Make a habit of smelling your feet all the time. If they smell gross, do it again.

8. Shoot down anyone's idea of fun (This includes any time anyone suggests anything that does not involve chilling).

9. Lease or buy a car way out of your price range (Preferably an import). Hock family heirlooms if possible.

10. Don't read this.

Shameless Promotion

There comes a time when we must question our motives. We all do lots of different things, some consciously, others almost by reflex. Well, some of you might wonder at times why I write so religiously on this blog. I am devout. Perhaps at times even more devout than some Hasidic Jews are to the Torah or Talmud. Well, there are many reasons why I blog, but I guess it would be best to let the cat out of the bag. I blog so I can promote my blog. 

I mean, if I didn't ever write anything, how in the world would you expect me to promote it? It reminds me of the movie Tommy Boy, where Tommy (played by Chris Farley) says, "Hey, I can take a sh*t in a box and stamp it guaranteed, but what are you buying? A guaranteed piece of sh*t, that's what you are buying." I have to have something to sell before I start selling. If I just kept throwing up the URL to my blog on twitter and facebook all the time while linking it to a page with a hamster running around on a wheel, people would start to get restless. They might even work up the nerve to buy their own wheels and run around in them to get out all their angst. So, instead of allowing that to happen, I write stuff. Is it good? Well, I'd say there's a chance. 

Like in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd (Jim Carrey) asks Mary (Lauren Holly) what the chance would be of a guy like him getting with a girl like her. She responds, "One in a million," to which he responds, "So you're saying there's a chance?" 

So I write stuff. However, even more interesting than writing stuff, is promoting it. And, if I'm going to promote it, I might as well do it shamelessly. With that I mean ubiquitously and like a used car salesman. I don't just write on twitter or my facebook status, "Check out my blog, I wrote stuff." I write something more along the lines of: "Giant mutant rabbit attacks President Obama while he sells radioactive golf clubs on eBay," which of course actually happened.

But, beyond just promotion of my blog, I have, on more than one occasion told and even encouraged people to click on the advertisements on this blog. You might think my rationale for doing that is because I make more money. That's simply not true. I do it because every ad you click creates more jobs. You are supporting the economy, and perhaps even saving the world. One click at a time people. You can make a difference. And on that note, click on the ads, visit their sites, buy their stuff, and read my blog like it's water after a marathon. Read it like it's oxygen after holding your breath for 30 seconds. Read it like it's the cure for whatever ails you, because, it is.

Read. It's good for you.

All I do is read. 

When I'm done reading, I pick up another book and read. After my reading for classes is done, I read the economist, online articles from Drudge, the London Times, or ESPN (for fun mind you).

Often times, before I go to bed, if my room mate (my brother) is still doing stuff, I pick up another book or article that was sent to me by a friend, or quite often, my grandmother. 

So, what if I were illiterate? My life would be impossible. Meaningless. Futile. My life to this point has largely been defined by what I read, how I read and interpret it, how often I read it, and what I write and speak about in regards to that reading. I'd like to think I'm expanding my mind. Reading is like a drug that opens the mind, activating dank, dark, unknown corners of the cerebrum. And if that's truly the case, my brain is as open as the internet in Amsterdam (as compared to the internet in China). 

I am 100% certain that my future career will only require more reading, so I might as well learn how to overload the system now. Send me your summer reading lists, class book lists, favorite novels, poets, etc. and I will read them and give you 'Cliff's Notes' like synopses free of charge (Don't worry if you're reading selection is dry, I read anything, from boringly elitist ramblings of wanna-be philosophers, to telephone books and encyclopedias).