Stop the melodrama!

Melodrama. Ideally, given how it sounds, it should be a moderate or 'mellow' type of drama. Of course even more ideally, it would be nice if there was no drama at all. But alas, melodrama disappoints. Again. And again.

In my family, I am proud to announce that we are very good at melodrama. Molehills become mountains, mice become elephants, and a stain on a shirt becomes a ruined life (there is oxiclean).

Generally, most of us in my family are pretty chill. I would even say 'mellow'. And some of our coping strategies, like mine are: "I'm not dead, I'm moderately healthy, I have friends and family, and I'm doing the best I can right now with what I've got." Then there are other strategies like this one: "I need everything in my life to run like clockwork; because I have absolutely perfectionist standards nothing ever goes right and I will take my self-induced stress out on everyone." It is very difficult to choose which is more healthy. I prefer the latter. Why? Because I can compare it to my life and breathe easy. 

I don't like to see people stressed out, and I don't like to see people suffer (especially close family), but it is nice to see that I have developed successful life-coping skills. Armageddon is not upon us because we are 6 minutes late to lunch, or if we get stuck in traffic. Life happens (while we are making other plans). Now, that does not mean we all should be lazy and unproductive, but it means we need to have balance. When some load of crap gets piled on our plate, instead of whining about it, pouting, and throwing a hissy fit, we can grin resourcefully and dump it on our garden, using it as fertilizer. As cliche as it sounds, when life gives you lemons, squeeze them in the eyes of someone who is stressing out for no reason, and laugh at them. Then maybe you'll start a fight with them - win or lose - they will probably forget about what was stressing them out in the first place.

McCain picks Palin as VP!

This is a great pick for McCain. Palin, the newly elected governor of Alaska is a mother of five, a hockey mom, with strong conservative credentials. She is very reform minded, and, like McCain is herself considered a 'maverick'. She is the first woman to run on a republican ticket, and I think that by picking her, McCain has sealed the deal. I am now sure to be voting for McCain. Obama picked Biden, which in my mind was a terrible pick, given his penchance for saying ridiculous things off the cuff, and because Biden's an insider. Palin was the mayor of the small town of Wasilla, AK, home to just under 7,000 residents prior to being elected governor. She's not just an outsider. She's way outside. Good job John!

Cat Lovers vs. Dog Lovers

Most people like animals. And, as pets, we treat them sometimes even better than people. Part of that is because they often times treat us with more love an affection than other humans. The other part is because we're crazy. But regardless of our addiction with furry, scaly, winged and/or shelled creatures, the easiest breakdown between mentalities is between those who prefer dogs, and those who prefer cats.

My family has a cat. Her name is Sophie. She is psychotic. But, before I tell you about how weird and skiddish she is, let me tell you why she's nice. She has fur. Soft fur. And, she can be affectionate, and can kill pests. Now let me tell you why she's not so cool. She vomits on the porch. She is paranoid and starved for attention. She only wants attention from you on her terms. She sheds fur everywhere. So, cats are not on the top of my list when I think of a new pet.

I have never had a dog. The reason for that is because my mom is allergic to them. So, growing up she let me have every other kind of pet known to man (She is also allergic to cats, but likes them better, and lets the cat have her own room in the house, and claims that cats don't need as much social contact as dogs, which may be true). So growing up I had a menagerie of animals. I had turtles, a tortoise, hamsters, mice, lizards, fish, frogs, ferrets, quails, parakeets, guinea pigs, crayfish, etc. It was pretty cool growing up. But as cool as all those pets were, they were never dogs. I always tried to goad my mom into letting us get one with comments like, "Well bulldogs are hypo-allergenic because they have short hair and don't shed as much." To which she would reply, "If we ever do get a dog it will be a poodle, but for now it's either a dog or me. Take your pick." It wasn't very fair, but that was life. And, to make me feel even more guilty, when I said, "Well when I move out, I'm getting a dog!" She would say: "So you're saying I won't be able to come visit to see my grandchildren? You'd pick a dog over me?" Those kind of tactics were obviously manipulative. 

But, fortunately her tune has changed, and she thinks she could deal with a dog for short visits, and even longer visits if she took an allergy shot. Given the fact that she visits my Great-grandmother in Indiana all the time, and she has a dog, I don't think it was ever really a problem. So, that being said, I'm a dog person.

The anti-dog people will say they smell, make messes, are easily disobedient, drool, etc. But they are still better than cats in my mind. They are loyal, affectionate, always like attention (and aren't fickle about it like cats), they can be very obedient, and can do more things than cats. How many people go on walks with cats? How many cats catch frisbees? How many cats will play tug-of-war or do judo with you? I think you see my point. But, let me remind you that I do not condemn cat lovers. Any pet is better than no pet. Even if it does hack up hair balls in the middle of the night.

Girlfriends Cost too Much!

Time to lay down the secret that will answer all the questions that women all over the world are asking. Why did he not call me back? Why are men so seemingly "shallow?" Why can't I find Mr. Right? The answer is a simple word. Money.

It's the money, honey. For guys it takes a lot of cash to have the same amount of fun you ladies are having. If you finding dating fun that is. If you don't, just be careful not to be spoiled, because "51% of American men spend over $100 monthly on dates, and 29% spend over $150, while nearly 2/3 of U.S. women spend less than $50 a month." That means that one out of every three guys is spending over $1800 a year in hopes of finding that special someone.
That in mind, ladies, I realize that it may be difficult for you to find a good guy, but if he doesn't call you back, don't be offended. He's without a doubt weighing and calculating the prospect of future romantic endeavors against the estimated market costs, and for any number of reasons the social return may not meet the monetary investment. Or simply put, he's gotta lay down the dead presidents and you may not be worth the killing. It's no wonder that an estmated "68% of men in the U.S. would not waste their time and wouldn't go on a second date if there was no chemistry the first date. Women, on the other hand, will give it a second chance. 56% of U.S. women would go on a second date and hope chemistry develops." Of course women would and should after all a significantly less oppotunity cost is involved.

That being said, place yourselves in the average Joe's shoes. He fits the mold of one who spends a $1200 a year on his dates. Now considering the fact that the average American Male marries at 27, (For women it is around 25) lets say he started seriously dating only out of high school. That means he will spend over $10,000 dollars to find Mrs. Right. Every man considers this situation upon every date. I know you may not believe me, but it's true. Maybe not all men deeply consider their 10 year plan when they ask you for your number, but they definitely reach for the wallet to check their situation, before reaching for the telephone to call you.

Some wonder why in Utah marriages pop up more ferociously than zombies in a cheap horror flick. Well, perhaps the fact that Mormons are encouraged to avoid dept and encouraged to marry, if they can find a girl with enough market return quickly, they feel it expedient to close the deal. Outside of Mormondom, while I'm not one to say save your money and buy an escort, you can maybe even see why some men of less self-esteem may indeed benefit on such a cost effective endeavor.

Universal Garbage

I've been getting so used to not writing, that I was almost reluctant to do so today. I hear laziness is, however, somewhat unbecoming. So I'm writing. Clearly. But, of course, by the time you see this post I will have already written it. With that said let's jump into the ridiculousness of the Democratic National Convention in Denver. 

The press is billing the event like its the Super Bowl. And, to make things right, it's happening in a football stadium (so at least they got the location right). The event however, is not nearly as thrilling or as captivating. Obama's wife has spoken, Hillary has spoken, and even the brain tumor-plagued Ted Kennedy has spoken.

Initially Kennedy's speech was interesting and even a little inspiring, but then he got on his soap box about universal health care. I left the room disgusted.

Universal healthcare is a bad idea. What it means is that the government once again takes over an industry, taking it out of the hands of competent, well-trained, well-paid professionals, and puts it in the hands of the giant federal bureaucracy. Yay! TSA is a joke. Homeland security is not that great. The FCC is a joke. And so is the FAA. Friends, putting the government in charge of our hospitals and medical care will only exacerbate our problems here. 

Now, I would like to clarify that doctors will still have jobs, and will not be replaced by US Postal workers, but because all of our medical bills will be subsidized by the government, the doctors will receive less for their services, we pay more in taxes, and we get to wait in line more as doctors are mandated by the government to see the most inane cases. 

In the UK, with their 'amazingly good system' as it is touted by Michael Moore, people wait for months or even years for cancer treatments and important urgent care because the system is inefficient. The doctors working there are expected to treat any and all people on a 'first come, first served' basis, and do it for almost nothing. Not a good deal for them, and not a good deal for their patients.

It is true that our system could use an overhaul. Our system is inefficient in the US. But, when it comes to getting urgent care, it is more likely to happen here than in a socialized system. When Michael Moore showed in his documentary how easy it was for firefighters from 9/11 to get treatment in Cuba, and how hard it was in America he forgot to include the fact that he went to one of the nicest hospitals in Cuba, and he went with his documentary crew, and he and those with him were not impoverished Cubans, but rather well-to-do North Americans. In most hospitals in Cuba, the government provides the bare minimum in care. For instance, if you need a kidney removed, they'll take it out, but you will be left on a gurney with an ice pack in a dirty room, and if your family doesn't come to bring you towels, blankets, food, water, soap, or anything else you might just die right there due to neglect and infection. So perhaps that's the kind of efficiency we need in this country. Bare minimum get 'r' done mentality.

That is my piece on universal healthcare. If that were the only issue, it would be easy to see why I do not favor Obama, but there are many others that irk me just as much. I'm not going to say I like McCain, but I at least believe our government's size and scope would be kept in a more real check with him in the Oval Office.

Delta Swindlers

Well we're going to have to get a little more regular again on this blog. I can make the excuse that I've been traveling, but that's pretty lame because you can usually use the internet just about anywhere. It comes down to priorities. And this blog was just not one of them as I was in Brazil, and as I am now up in my hometown of Duxbury, Massachusetts. 

I got back friday afternoon and left the airport shortly after noon. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I had a flight that was supposed to get to DC just after 10am. In Sao Paulo I got into a Delta line that I thought was destined for my connection in New York. After waiting about 10 minutes I asked one of the airline people if it was the line for New York. To that my response was, "No that line closed already." So I said, "What are you saying? I'm still here before the flight has taken off, I was misled to think this line, which is apparently for Atlanta, was for New York, and now you're telling me I can't get on my flight?" Then she said, "Well you can either leave the airport, or go to the Delta desk and see if you can still get on your flight." So I went to the Delta desk. The guy there informed me that I had to be there an hour before take off to check in, and that I missed the plane. Then I said, "First off, I was here prior to the hour, I was misled into thinking I was in the right line, and...the plane that you say I cannot board is still here." Well, that got me nowhere. He said he could re-route me through Atlanta, putting me on stand-by for a $250 flight change fee. Whoopee! Out $250 because of their stupid system and mistakes (All these conversations took place in portuguese - angry, ill-tempered portuguese).

Turns out Delta is pretty sleazy. What they do with this 'lock the flight an hour prior' allows them to have extra space on their plane so they can swindle more people who show up late for an earlier flight into paying more to get to their destination. For instance, I was quote on quote "late" for my flight to NYC, so for another $250 they could put me on standby for Atlanta. Those who missed some other flight prior to NYC, who were on standby got my seat. Those who foolishly didn't know about the hour before lock down with Atlanta lost their seat to me and others like me - for a hefty price.

So I had to do some things before I left DC, and didn't end up leaving until 3:30pm to drive up to Boston. On a friday, that is probably the worst possible time to leave. I got stuck in between DC and Baltimore for 3 1/2 hours. A trip that should take 8 hours took me close to 11 hours. But, two Dr. Peppers, singing along to my new Brazilian CDs, and talking to myself for an hour and a half kept me from driving off the road. Mind you, the flight from Brazil was 9+ hours and then another 2 from Atlanta to DC. I was running on dregs. But, all in all good times. I went to my buddy's wedding on Saturday, and I've been visiting old friends around Massachusetts this weekend.  Good times.

A short brief on my travels

So, for the past couple days...and actually almost 2 weeks, I have been traveling in the beautiful country of Brasil. Notice that I spelled it 'Brasil' and not 'Brazil'. That is because that is the correct way to spell it. However, the anglicized spelling allows for english speakers to get the pronunciation a little more right than otherwise. However, the word sounds more like (Bra-zi-oo) because the 'l' doesn't close in portuguese like is does in english. But, enough with the linguistics lesson.

I drove with my friend Mario to Maceió from São Paulo. The trip takes 2 days of straight driving. The roads were precariously formed at best. There are parts that are reasonable, but there are huge stretches that are full of holes, bumps, and cracks. The reason for that is because even if the government sets aside money to resurface or fix the road, it generally ends up in some local construction guy's pocket, or gets signed off by the government as having been done and the governor, mayor, or whoever is responsible puts the money in his account in Zurich. But it was a pretty decent drive, with pit stops for gas, salgados (snacks) and lots of guaraná (an energy soda). I traveled across the states of São Paulo, Minas Gerais, Bahia, Sergipe, Alagoas, and I even visited Pernambuco when I went to Recife with Mario to do some business and visit the Mormon temple there.

We arrived in Maceió around 3:30 in the morning last monday, slept a little in the car for an hour or so in a town just 30 minutes north called Paripueira. The town sits right on the water and there are beautiful reefs, fish, manitees and local cuisine, but at that hour we were hardly conscious of this. We then drove around Maceió a bit, and eventually got in touch with our mutual friend Meri. She let us stay at her house for the week.

Without going into too much detail, I will say that the beaches in northeastern Brasil, and especially in the state of Alagoas (where Maceió is situated) are some of the most beautiful in the world. I'll have to attach a few photos to this blog post later to show you. While there in Maceió we went to Jatiúca beach, Ponta Verde beach, Francês beach, Paripueira, the Barra de São Miguel and visited old friends, acquaintances, and pretty much gorged ourselves in all the delicacies that Maceió has to offer. We had a cheesy shrimp called bubble gum shrimp, had lots of pizzas, exotic fruit juices, crabs, and every other delicious sea food or land mammal that was available. I did not get to surf because they only took cash at the rental place, and my bank card is without a pin now for weeks because my bank is inept. But next time I won't miss out on it.
I've decided that I'm going to buy a beach house in a town north of Maceió called Maragogi. I had dinner there and asked the waiter how much a beach house would cost. He said R$40,000. In dollars, with the current exchange rate, that's $25,000. Hard to refuse a piece of paradise at that price. Maragogi sits just 2 1/2 hours north of Maceió on the border of Alagoas and Pernambuco. The sand is pearly white, the water a turquoise and emerald color, and it is full of coconut trees, old buildings, churches, and hammocks. Ideal. And the taxes on a house like that would run about $250 a year and utilities wouldn't be much more than that. I could even rent it out while I'm not there and make a profit. Sweet deal.
Now I'm back in São Paulo. I got to visit a beautiful Ibirapuera Park, and I went to the Museum of Art yesterday. Today I'll have lunch with some friends, and as usual, I'll keep it crazy at night. All my best to you. I return friday to the US of A.

Things Worth Dying For...

There are many things in live worth dying for. However, one thing that I wouldn't want to die for is murder. Not to say that states don't have their rights to electrically roast up or juice fry their worst criminal offenders... I'm totally for that. Kill the killers. What I'm saying is I don't think murder is a good idea. Really. It may or may not be hard to believe that, but it's true.

That being said I want to talk about homicide for a moment.

There are a lot of shows out there recently that are making bank off of telling stories about mayhem, murder, money and manslaughter. And while that's all well and good, (Or actually evil and demonic depending on your opinion), I had a friend who said something interesting to me a little while ago. He said, "I suppose I like watching these shows because they depict an aspect of the human ego that all of us possess, we all have the power to become as these killers, and it is intriguing." (Not a real quote) At risk of sounding insensitive to my friend who should seek professional help, that is wrong! We don't all watch those shows because we like to toy with the idea of the power gained from taking life!

I think we watch gore and insane murder mysteries for one simple reason. It is fantastic. (Meaning exotic and imaginative) It is a world we do not live in, like a galaxy far far away. I think the reason I like watching CSI, and not CSI Miami cause is sucks, is because I like watching them catch these beings who are anything but human. Murderers are not like you and me, they have become alien to a society that exists in harmony when death is not on the menu.

So, there's a show out there called Dexter. About a serial killer who kills serial killers. People love it. They root for a murderer. Is this bad? No, go on ahead! Watching that is no different than watching a discovery channel special about a tribe off the coast of the edge of the world who drinks cow blood for breakfast. It's not my culture, I'm not a serial killer. I'm not even a regular killer. But, by golly they are a fun bunch of people to make up stories about, huh? Like vampires or werewolves, except not as cool, and murderers actually exist in the world. Ok, so really, don't call me a creep for enjoying stories of death. If you do, I'll kill you.

No no, I'm just kidding.

Surprise from São Paulo!

I know that I am supposedly taking a hiatus in Brazil, but given the statistics from google, I wanted to assure people that I am still around and that Enrique is going to do a smashing job with the blog while I am here. I also wanted to type this using some of the portuguese accents that are built into the keyboard.

Yes, I am retarded. That is quotable. I am fascinated by foreign keyboards. This one is no exception. I am currently sitting in my friend Mario's office in Santo André, a municipality just outside the capital of the state of São Paulo which just happens to be São Paulo. It's similar to New York City except NYC is not New York State's capital. It is odd how it's not, but at the same time, NYC is not really representative of New York state. NYC is representative of itself and the world financial capital. Albany on the other hand is smaller, and sits in upstate New York, which is funny because anything that is not NYC can be considered upstate New York. Wow. Tangent.

So now for the portuguese portion of this post: Eu queria usar os acentos legais desta tecla. Para poder fazer isto, vou usar palavras como estas: estações, furacão, rodapé, econômico, e vamos lá hoje à noite. Ok I think that's about enough. I don't know how many of you actually understood any of that, but it was entertaining for me. So, if everyone stops reading my blog, that's their problem. I won't be missing out, only they will. Come on, bilingual, multi-faceted, co-authored, satirical blogs are awesome. If you think otherwise you are stupid. Deal with it.

"Just Kidding!"

The Russians have a saying: Within every joke there is a drop of truth. Now, I don't know if you've noticed this, but it seems that we have unwittingly developed a method of systematically removing ourselves from absolutely any socially jeopardizing statement simply by declaring the magic words, "Just kidding!" Allow me to elaborate.

I had an experience the other day where a former co-worker told me she had stopped by the office to see my boss (her former boss). I asked her why and she nonchalantly told me that she had a secret crush on him. I gave her a sideways glance and made sure I understood her correctly, "You have a secret crush on him?" Without hesitation she laughed and said, "I'm just kidding!"

Now the problem here is not that she had a crush on my boss. I had suspected that she liked him a long time ago and I didn't care. The problem is that she didn't want to be honest with her feelings. And not even because she couldn't confide in me, but because she thought that I felt her feelings were socially unacceptable.

In an episode of the Family Guy entitled, 'Mr. Saturday Knight,' father-figure Peter Griffin makes a statement that depicts what is really going one here. He says to his wife, "Since money is getting tight I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, like jokingly at first but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and then if you were cool with it we could go from there."

You've probably found yourself in a situation similar to this one-you may have even uttered those words yourself. Someone says something vulgar or brash or politically incorrect and the statement isn't received as expected. So, the individual puts on a smile and declares, "Just kidding!" I don't know about you, but I see this happen all the time.

So why do we do this? Why can't we just suck it up and take it like a man...or woman. So we said something stupid. Big deal. Trying to pass it off as a bad joke doesn't make it any better. Next time you find yourself tempted to nullify your that faux pas with the statement, "It was just a joke!" stop and ask your self the following questions: 1) Was your statement a joke? 2) Does anyone actually care about what you just said? 3) Is stating "just kidding" really going to be able to gloss over what was said?

If you answered yes to any of the following questions you are probably need to have your head checked.

Just kidding!