Sharing Colloquialisms with the World

I had to chuckle today (Yes, I was forced at gun point). I was looking at some of the stats for this blog and I ran down a list of all the languages people read this blog in. I find it amazing, and I don't know quite who would be responsible for translating this thing in so many languages. I guess google does it for me. Here is a list of the languages (some of which I know are distinguishable, others I don't quite get):

US English, English, British English, French, Brazilian Portuguese, German, French from France, Hungarian, Portuguese, Portuguese from Portugal, Spanish from Spain, Italian, Finnish, Danish, Dutch/Flemish, Swedish from Sweden, Swiss, Argentine Spanish, Croatian, Polish, Turkish, Chinese from Taiwan, Greek, and just straight up Swedish.

The ones I find most humorous are the US English versions versus the British English versions. Now I know I spell words like an American, and even use a lot of American events and colloquialisms as material, but how do they translate my blog into British English? When I say, "That's just right" do they translate it as "Spot on"? When I put a question mark inside the quotation do they push it to the outside? I'm curious. I think I'm going to start reading my blogs in British English. Then maybe I'll move on to Finnish. What pleases me is that I do seem to get more than just a few readers from outside the United States. I have regular readers in Java and Taiwan apparently, and plenty of French and British readers. I salute you all.

Oh, and while I'm pretty sure this is available in various Indian dialects, I haven't seen all that many Mumbai residents reading this. Pakistanis seem to like it though. I don't know what that means. But, at any rate, I wanted to share with you a list of colloquialisms I found online. And, I make this list in part because I think it would be hilarious translated into Mandarin or Swedish.

(This book is a must read)

My kitchen's so small, you can't swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.

He has the attention span of a chicken on speed.

As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...

So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon...

As shallow as a saucer

Lower than a duck's butt

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock

Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.

Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.

Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm

That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!

Couple Sandwiches short of a picnic

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

Nosier than a mule in a tin shed.

Faster than a blind dog's tail in a meat market.

Trying to nail Jell-O to the wall

Quit running around like a fart in a bottle.

His eyes bugged out like a stomped on toad frog.

It'll work...Like a windshield wiper on a goat’s ass

(to have suffered diarrhea): "I've just spent tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings"

I'm hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule...

Slower than smoke off of a cool turd...

On Futility: It's like trying to herd cats.

Don't get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!"

Quit your cryin'. You're gettin' the floor wet.

Elevators in the basement and the cords have been cut.

Obviously, you weren't spanked enough as a child.

Happier than a four-peckered goat.

Whatever blows your skirt up for ya

He's so clumsy he'd trip over a cordless phone.

He's about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.

He couldn't carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.

She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.

It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.

NO!! I AM NOT FALLING ASLEEP!! I was just checking for holes in my eyelids.

I hope you enjoyed those. Although you may not think so, I did take out some of the more crass ones.



This clip is a great remix of a fabulously underused colloquialism.



And this is just funny. And, maybe it's how this blog gets translated into British English.

Crepe or Crap?

Crepes. I'm sure you've eaten them before. And, if you haven't you've probably heard of them. They are thin french pancakes that are eaten with jellies, sugar, and just about anything else you like to stuff your face with.

Now a couple of years ago I was in Brazil and my buddy Mario and I were walking down a street (We did this quite frequently actually). And, on this particular street there was a little shop advertising crepes. However, the pronunciation is a bit different in portuguese. Instead of (cray-pes) it sounds more like (craps). So when Mario asked, "Have you ever eaten a crepe before?" I was taken aback, having not seen the sign and thought that he was messing with me. I answered, "No Mario, I don't eat crap." Then I saw the sign and said, "Oh, crepes, yeah, I've had those, they're pretty good." Then I explained to Mario the very close linguistic nature of the portuguese crepe, to the english crap. We both laughed, and agreed to eat crap after that.

Surprise from São Paulo!

I know that I am supposedly taking a hiatus in Brazil, but given the statistics from google, I wanted to assure people that I am still around and that Enrique is going to do a smashing job with the blog while I am here. I also wanted to type this using some of the portuguese accents that are built into the keyboard.

Yes, I am retarded. That is quotable. I am fascinated by foreign keyboards. This one is no exception. I am currently sitting in my friend Mario's office in Santo André, a municipality just outside the capital of the state of São Paulo which just happens to be São Paulo. It's similar to New York City except NYC is not New York State's capital. It is odd how it's not, but at the same time, NYC is not really representative of New York state. NYC is representative of itself and the world financial capital. Albany on the other hand is smaller, and sits in upstate New York, which is funny because anything that is not NYC can be considered upstate New York. Wow. Tangent.

So now for the portuguese portion of this post: Eu queria usar os acentos legais desta tecla. Para poder fazer isto, vou usar palavras como estas: estações, furacão, rodapé, econômico, e vamos lá hoje à noite. Ok I think that's about enough. I don't know how many of you actually understood any of that, but it was entertaining for me. So, if everyone stops reading my blog, that's their problem. I won't be missing out, only they will. Come on, bilingual, multi-faceted, co-authored, satirical blogs are awesome. If you think otherwise you are stupid. Deal with it.