What?! I'm lazy?! Again?

This is seriously my favorite skit by Man Stroke Woman:



This is great for math types (viewer discretion is advised - adult subject matter):



This is great. I hope this hasn't happened to you:



Ok, that makes three clips. Those are three skits that I didn't come up with (Or did I)? I enjoyed them, but I really didn't have to do anything but embed them into the post and write a little thought about each. It's not that I couldn't write about the recent canary obesity plague, or how Proctor and Gamble has now purchased the rights to all major religions, or how Obama's nose hair has now been put on display at the Smithsonian; I just didn't. Maybe tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Getting into a relationship: Game of Cat and Mouse

I put up a poll a couple days ago about what kind of topics people would like to hear about. Even though I know there are at times hundreds of people reading this blog daily, only four people voted. One person voted for 'random crap,' while two (presumably women) voted for 'relationships', and one voted for 'politics/economics.' No one voted for 'social issues.' But, inevitably through the random crap satire, politics, economics, and relationship topics I will address social issues in one way or another. It's all interconnected. That being said, I'm going to go with the winner of the poll today and talk about relationships. More than specific instances I'm going to talk about how the sexes see different actions, events, and behaviors. I also might wax nostalgic.

Back in the middle ages and throughout the Renaissance, and even through the Romantic 19th century, men wrote poems, sonnets, sang ballads, painted pictures, made sculptures, and went through all sorts of trouble to woo women that today would seem ridiculous if not stalkerish. With the enlightenment, women's movements, and liberal democracy, these traditions of wooing, along with chivalry have in large part been destroyed, or at least become somewhat muted.

Men are however, generally expected to take the initiative. They are the ones who are expected to ask women out. But, while some women claim this as sexist patriarchalism, most women want it. Why? Because it's a risky proposition asking someone out. The man could say no, and it could end up being an embarrassing situation. So, if you are one of those women who asks guys out, don't always expect a "yes." You've put yourself into the traditional man's role, and he, just as you do, has the same right to say, "No."

On that same vein, there is also another silly philosophy that I've noticed most supposedly "nice" women have. That is, to always say "yes" to a first date. While I think it's decent of you that you're willing to give him a chance and be cordial, sometimes you can just tell from the get-go that it's not going to work out. And, there's really nothing wrong with that. You most likely have enough discernment to make an educated decision. Don't play games and lead a guy on, even if it is "just one date," because, quite often it can become two or three, you're not interested in him at all, he is oblivious to your subtle hints, and you don't know how to get off the hook without hurting his feelings. This is where directness is most needed. So that you don't get stuck with some guy you do not care for, and so that he does not end up getting too emotionally invested, all the while wasting his time, heart beats, and money, end it soon. Learn to say "No." It is much more compassionate and humane to nip it in the bud than let it drag on. It's better for everyone. So, in a nutshell, transparency is good. You're not being any nicer trying to let someone down softly. Rip the band-aid off the wound in one fallow swoop. 

The next little bit I'm going to mention is communication. This is the main reason men and women have so much trouble with relationships and interaction. As I said before, directness is key. While some men are great with subtleties, hints, and nuanced speech, most are not. Both sexes see what they want to see, but men even more so. Don't expect a guy to be a mind reader. He probably cannot even read his own mind, much less yours. Be explicit in your communication. If a guy holds your hand, he's being pretty explicit. If you pull your hand away, he should get it. However, if you aren't into him and do nothing you are giving consent. Inaction is consent to most men. Few get the whole passive-aggressive/ambivalent female response.

Ok, I don't want to beat that issue into the mud. Just be clear. Quite often it's a power struggle, and men and women play games with one another. The man is interested, the women doesn't know if she's interested (or at least claims not to know) and so the man is not straight forward as in days of yore (with the poems, sonnets, and ballads) and plays the woman's game of subtleties as best he can. His rationale is, "If I put all my cards on the table, she's going to shove them in my face." So he either plays no cards or one card. Unfortunately, sometimes women can be just as thick as men, and think a guy is not into them because he hasn't beat her over the head with his intentions. So what happens is, because he is cautious not to play his whole hand, she thinks he's not interested and so does not reciprocate at all. Then, seeing she's not reciprocating, he moves on, because she already has in his mind. So both sides lose. All of this because of miscommunication. Many might say, "Well he should have been more obvious." But how obvious? If he were too brash she'd lose interest and think he was a stalker instead of a charming, clever, romancer. So we need to be more clear, but not too clear? The line is fuzzy. Seems like a confusing game of cat and mouse (and I honestly have no idea which side is the cat and which is the mouse).

There is no easy answer. Ideally a guy would take a girl out a couple times, she'd give him the right signals and they'd both say and do the right things and get into a relationship. But life is not cut and dry. People zig and zag. One day you might be into her, but she's not into you. Then a couple months up the road the situation is in the reverse. For anything to work, the time has to be right for both people. You both have to be zigging together or zagging together. There's no use in pushing for something that's not there, just like there is not a whole lot of point to hoping for something that's not there (I'm not saying don't hope, I'm just saying don't put all your eggs in one basket, be hopeful in general, not in particular; be opportunistic).

One day the cat and mouse will lie down together (although in this picture it's a rat)

The New Pink: Dating a nerd

Everyone likes to be on top of the next trend, and for you fashionistas out there, there's a great one coming. I'm sure you've all heard that this color or that color is the new pink, but now there's a supplemental lifestyle change that is just as good as the next color. Forget about earth tones, paisley, skinny jeans, or over-sized sunglasses. The real next pink is dating a nerd.

That's right. If you date a nerd, your coolness factor skyrockets. The trend has been backed by some big names in fashion. The coalition formed to promote nerd dating includes, but is not limited to Armani, J Crew, Ralph Lauren, Gap, Gucci, and BGCG Maxazria. 

To become part of the trend you cannot merely pick up a token nerd for a week and dump them once your friends see. The relationship must last at least 3 weeks as prescribed by the coalition. Those who have succeeded in more long term nerd relationships are to be commended.

One particular success story comes from Oakland, California. Cindy Fox and her beau Sigmond Neuerbonsen have been dating for over a year now. Cindy said:

"I've been with Siggy for a while now, and I just don't know what I'd do without him. I can take him anywhere, and his shirts are always pressed to perfection, he always has a pen, and if I ever need to do some mental arithmetic he's there for me. I also love the way he stares at the floor and blushes when I kiss him."

When Mr. Neuerbonsen was asked why he thinks his relationship with Cindy has been so successful he said:

"I think she likes my fashion sense. I always wear plaid, and whenever I go out I make sure to put a brand new ticonderoga brand number two pencil in my left ear. She also loves riding in my bike and playing with the streamers and ringing the bell."

A scientist at the University of Pittsburgh named Dr. Theodore Melvin believes the trend is a step in the right direction. 

"When you put a good looking, shallow person's genes together with a nerdy person you get a normal person, and I think that's something society could have more of. On another note, I now have a girlfriend. A year ago, I never thought that was even fathomable."

The nerd dating trend, however, may be short lived. Some fashionistas have even started to exchange their nerds for shiny bracelets. Another possible trend could also involve owning lots of cats and buying an enormous victorian house in need of a lot of repairs. Experts are divided on the issue, and say it could go either way. 

Mary Newhouse of HOT FASHION, a new high end designer brand from New York said:

"No, the nerd thing was cool. I mean, I still have mine, but I needed to spice him up a little bit. I wrapped a blue scarf with purple sequins around his leg and I have him shimmy behind me when I'm talking to company. Occasionally I make him wear a mask and a feather boa.  And, I think he really likes it. It's a win for everybody."

Whether the trend stays, goes, or morphs into something like what Ms. Newhouse described is hard to say, but to all nerds out there at least they can take this olive branch and live more fulfilling lives.

PS - Bald babies might be the new black.

Girlfriends Cost too Much!

Time to lay down the secret that will answer all the questions that women all over the world are asking. Why did he not call me back? Why are men so seemingly "shallow?" Why can't I find Mr. Right? The answer is a simple word. Money.

It's the money, honey. For guys it takes a lot of cash to have the same amount of fun you ladies are having. If you finding dating fun that is. If you don't, just be careful not to be spoiled, because "51% of American men spend over $100 monthly on dates, and 29% spend over $150, while nearly 2/3 of U.S. women spend less than $50 a month." That means that one out of every three guys is spending over $1800 a year in hopes of finding that special someone.
That in mind, ladies, I realize that it may be difficult for you to find a good guy, but if he doesn't call you back, don't be offended. He's without a doubt weighing and calculating the prospect of future romantic endeavors against the estimated market costs, and for any number of reasons the social return may not meet the monetary investment. Or simply put, he's gotta lay down the dead presidents and you may not be worth the killing. It's no wonder that an estmated "68% of men in the U.S. would not waste their time and wouldn't go on a second date if there was no chemistry the first date. Women, on the other hand, will give it a second chance. 56% of U.S. women would go on a second date and hope chemistry develops." Of course women would and should after all a significantly less oppotunity cost is involved.

That being said, place yourselves in the average Joe's shoes. He fits the mold of one who spends a $1200 a year on his dates. Now considering the fact that the average American Male marries at 27, (For women it is around 25) lets say he started seriously dating only out of high school. That means he will spend over $10,000 dollars to find Mrs. Right. Every man considers this situation upon every date. I know you may not believe me, but it's true. Maybe not all men deeply consider their 10 year plan when they ask you for your number, but they definitely reach for the wallet to check their situation, before reaching for the telephone to call you.

Some wonder why in Utah marriages pop up more ferociously than zombies in a cheap horror flick. Well, perhaps the fact that Mormons are encouraged to avoid dept and encouraged to marry, if they can find a girl with enough market return quickly, they feel it expedient to close the deal. Outside of Mormondom, while I'm not one to say save your money and buy an escort, you can maybe even see why some men of less self-esteem may indeed benefit on such a cost effective endeavor.