Being afraid of the Great Mole Rat, and other phobias

Today I've decided to write a random list of phobias. I slimmed down my list so as only to pick the funniest and most ridiculous ones. However, I am of course putting out a disclaimer and apology if you suffer from any one of these and you think I'm mocking your pain (I am).

Pupaphobia - Fear of puppets

Papaphobia - Fear of the Pope

Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women

Pteronophobia - Fear of being tickled by feathers

Arachibutyronophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words

Novercaphobia - Fear of step mother

Urophobia - Fear of urine or urinating

Oneirogmophobia - Fear of wet dreams

Hobophobia - Fear of bums or beggars

Cibophobia - Fear of food

Deciophobia - Fear of making decisions

Helmintophobia - Fear of being infested with worms

Peladophobia - Fear of bald people

Ailurophobia - Fear of cats

Ergophobia - Fear of working

Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns

Orinthophobia - Fear of birds

Erythrophobia - Fear of blushing

Tetraphobia - Fear of the number 4

Zemmiphobia - Fear of the great mole rat

My favorite is the last one, zemmiphobia. Fear of the great mole rat. Who is this mole rat? What makes him so great? And, why should I fear him? Oh, and I love the irony of the fear of long words being a ridiculously long phobia. I almost didn't believe it was legitimate. It is. Don't bother checking.

But now, imagine running into a bald bird puppet that is infested with worms with the number four on its chest urinating on you. Then, as you are convulsing with the fright of it, the great mole rat attacks you.

AMA clinically defines "Goober" term.

There may have been times in your life that someone may have referred to you as a goofball or tripped up on goofballs, or you may have even referred to someone as a goober. The distinction is not subtle, and has been made clearer recently by the American Medical Association:

Here is the new clinical definition for a goofball:

"A goofball is someone who enjoys being silly or ridiculous for comedic effect, or because they are under the influence of some mind-altering substance. Being a goofball is a choice, and quite often a temporary state that either lightens the mood or really perturbs people."

And, here is the new clinical definition for a goober:

"A goober is a person who is socially inept, awkward, goofy, or strange. A goober is born this way and cannot be changed. While what they do and how they interact with people may be funny, it is rarely their intention to be funny. They make themselves the butt of jokes not by choice, but by just being themselves."

This new clarification has now allowed many who for years have defended their gooberishness on the grounds of being a goofball to revert to medication as opposed to justifying their weirdness. Jared Beedenpopper, a notorious goober had this to say:

"People used to just think I was a goofball with limited exposure to me, but once they got to know me they saw that I was a straight-up goober. And now that the AMA has come out saying it's something I can't help, I get a lot of sympathy dates. Not only that, but I now take anti-goober pills."

Jared is not alone. Goobers across the country are finding new support groups and are even lobbying congress to provide more goober awareness at restaurants, shopping malls, biker bars, and even parties. 

"I'm not afraid anymore. I'm a goober and I'm proud of it," said Jerome Cyngall, new friend of Jared, and founder of the goober-goofball alliance or Omaha.

The pro-goober movement is growing. However, not everyone is as sympathetic to their plight. George Rorty, a frequent tripper of goofballs, said he's had enough:

"These goobers are raining on my parade. It used to be cool, and even original to be a goofball. I used to spin on my head while wearing shoes on my hands while whistling yankee doodle. Occasionally I'd cross my eyes, wear a clown suit and picket against nuclear whales. But now no one cares. They think I'm one of them. They think I'm a goober."

The goober versus goofball battle seems to be heating up on some fronts. People who are generally normal, but like to be weird from time to time are fighting for their right to do so against a tide of goobers who are weird by their nature. Who will win? Only time will tell.