Am I the internet's tumor? Or is it mine?

(This is the world's largest meatball. It is relevant to this article because it looks like a tumor and the guy who made it seems pretty happy about it)

I'm pretty sure the internet has latched itself onto my brain. It has done so incrementally, and what seemed like a symbiotic relationship may have become a parasitic one: a tumor. However, it's hard to say which is the tumor, the internet or me. Fortunately there is Arnold Schwarzenegger's famous line from "Kindergarten Cop" that reassures me, "It's not a tumor." If only I could pretend and be that little kid who hangs out with the ferret and brings his toy to the carpet.

But this little boy may never make it back to the carpet. He has found far too many toys and cannot decide (And, he also seems to have continued to speak of himself in third person for far too long). Really. I am writing this revelatory blog entry after 1:00AM.

Some of you might come to my defense and say, "Aw that's nothing man, you're fine. I stay up until 3 or 4AM." Others of you might be appalled. Others of you stopped reading a while ago due to the fact that you don't stay up this late, or just have short attention spans.

Well, I tell myself all the time that I'm going to go to bed earlier EVERY night. And, every night I always find some movie to watch, article to read, friend to chat to, place to go, etc. to etc. Tonight really is no different. Sure I could blame it on the fact that often times my shifts end at 9PM or even close to 11PM or beyond and I still have to make time for exercise. Then I have to clean myself up, eat, veg out, and/or pretend to have a life beyond work.

But I don't have to do anything. I just do.

I also tell myself things would be different if I were married and had a job with normal hours. Maybe so. But who's to say? Maybe I'm just caught up in being caught up for no reason other than a subconscious curiosity or at least some sort of deeply rooted dissatisfaction with the present moment. Or maybe I just want to prolong the moment and live each waking hour as long as possible.

Well that last idea cannot be. I tend to sleep in when I can. But even that's a precarious assumption. Often when I think I get to sleep in I get woken up after being in bed a mere 3 or 4 hours, and then have to pretend like it was 8, and trying to get back to bed is never the same. The dreams, the REM, the beautiful tapestry of synthetic subconscious reverie sifts like sand through my finger tips.

What is the solution? Probably eating more, staring more out the window, and watching Judge Judy reruns. Yeah.

Getting into a relationship: Game of Cat and Mouse

I put up a poll a couple days ago about what kind of topics people would like to hear about. Even though I know there are at times hundreds of people reading this blog daily, only four people voted. One person voted for 'random crap,' while two (presumably women) voted for 'relationships', and one voted for 'politics/economics.' No one voted for 'social issues.' But, inevitably through the random crap satire, politics, economics, and relationship topics I will address social issues in one way or another. It's all interconnected. That being said, I'm going to go with the winner of the poll today and talk about relationships. More than specific instances I'm going to talk about how the sexes see different actions, events, and behaviors. I also might wax nostalgic.

Back in the middle ages and throughout the Renaissance, and even through the Romantic 19th century, men wrote poems, sonnets, sang ballads, painted pictures, made sculptures, and went through all sorts of trouble to woo women that today would seem ridiculous if not stalkerish. With the enlightenment, women's movements, and liberal democracy, these traditions of wooing, along with chivalry have in large part been destroyed, or at least become somewhat muted.

Men are however, generally expected to take the initiative. They are the ones who are expected to ask women out. But, while some women claim this as sexist patriarchalism, most women want it. Why? Because it's a risky proposition asking someone out. The man could say no, and it could end up being an embarrassing situation. So, if you are one of those women who asks guys out, don't always expect a "yes." You've put yourself into the traditional man's role, and he, just as you do, has the same right to say, "No."

On that same vein, there is also another silly philosophy that I've noticed most supposedly "nice" women have. That is, to always say "yes" to a first date. While I think it's decent of you that you're willing to give him a chance and be cordial, sometimes you can just tell from the get-go that it's not going to work out. And, there's really nothing wrong with that. You most likely have enough discernment to make an educated decision. Don't play games and lead a guy on, even if it is "just one date," because, quite often it can become two or three, you're not interested in him at all, he is oblivious to your subtle hints, and you don't know how to get off the hook without hurting his feelings. This is where directness is most needed. So that you don't get stuck with some guy you do not care for, and so that he does not end up getting too emotionally invested, all the while wasting his time, heart beats, and money, end it soon. Learn to say "No." It is much more compassionate and humane to nip it in the bud than let it drag on. It's better for everyone. So, in a nutshell, transparency is good. You're not being any nicer trying to let someone down softly. Rip the band-aid off the wound in one fallow swoop. 

The next little bit I'm going to mention is communication. This is the main reason men and women have so much trouble with relationships and interaction. As I said before, directness is key. While some men are great with subtleties, hints, and nuanced speech, most are not. Both sexes see what they want to see, but men even more so. Don't expect a guy to be a mind reader. He probably cannot even read his own mind, much less yours. Be explicit in your communication. If a guy holds your hand, he's being pretty explicit. If you pull your hand away, he should get it. However, if you aren't into him and do nothing you are giving consent. Inaction is consent to most men. Few get the whole passive-aggressive/ambivalent female response.

Ok, I don't want to beat that issue into the mud. Just be clear. Quite often it's a power struggle, and men and women play games with one another. The man is interested, the women doesn't know if she's interested (or at least claims not to know) and so the man is not straight forward as in days of yore (with the poems, sonnets, and ballads) and plays the woman's game of subtleties as best he can. His rationale is, "If I put all my cards on the table, she's going to shove them in my face." So he either plays no cards or one card. Unfortunately, sometimes women can be just as thick as men, and think a guy is not into them because he hasn't beat her over the head with his intentions. So what happens is, because he is cautious not to play his whole hand, she thinks he's not interested and so does not reciprocate at all. Then, seeing she's not reciprocating, he moves on, because she already has in his mind. So both sides lose. All of this because of miscommunication. Many might say, "Well he should have been more obvious." But how obvious? If he were too brash she'd lose interest and think he was a stalker instead of a charming, clever, romancer. So we need to be more clear, but not too clear? The line is fuzzy. Seems like a confusing game of cat and mouse (and I honestly have no idea which side is the cat and which is the mouse).

There is no easy answer. Ideally a guy would take a girl out a couple times, she'd give him the right signals and they'd both say and do the right things and get into a relationship. But life is not cut and dry. People zig and zag. One day you might be into her, but she's not into you. Then a couple months up the road the situation is in the reverse. For anything to work, the time has to be right for both people. You both have to be zigging together or zagging together. There's no use in pushing for something that's not there, just like there is not a whole lot of point to hoping for something that's not there (I'm not saying don't hope, I'm just saying don't put all your eggs in one basket, be hopeful in general, not in particular; be opportunistic).

One day the cat and mouse will lie down together (although in this picture it's a rat)

The New Pink: Dating a nerd

Everyone likes to be on top of the next trend, and for you fashionistas out there, there's a great one coming. I'm sure you've all heard that this color or that color is the new pink, but now there's a supplemental lifestyle change that is just as good as the next color. Forget about earth tones, paisley, skinny jeans, or over-sized sunglasses. The real next pink is dating a nerd.

That's right. If you date a nerd, your coolness factor skyrockets. The trend has been backed by some big names in fashion. The coalition formed to promote nerd dating includes, but is not limited to Armani, J Crew, Ralph Lauren, Gap, Gucci, and BGCG Maxazria. 

To become part of the trend you cannot merely pick up a token nerd for a week and dump them once your friends see. The relationship must last at least 3 weeks as prescribed by the coalition. Those who have succeeded in more long term nerd relationships are to be commended.

One particular success story comes from Oakland, California. Cindy Fox and her beau Sigmond Neuerbonsen have been dating for over a year now. Cindy said:

"I've been with Siggy for a while now, and I just don't know what I'd do without him. I can take him anywhere, and his shirts are always pressed to perfection, he always has a pen, and if I ever need to do some mental arithmetic he's there for me. I also love the way he stares at the floor and blushes when I kiss him."

When Mr. Neuerbonsen was asked why he thinks his relationship with Cindy has been so successful he said:

"I think she likes my fashion sense. I always wear plaid, and whenever I go out I make sure to put a brand new ticonderoga brand number two pencil in my left ear. She also loves riding in my bike and playing with the streamers and ringing the bell."

A scientist at the University of Pittsburgh named Dr. Theodore Melvin believes the trend is a step in the right direction. 

"When you put a good looking, shallow person's genes together with a nerdy person you get a normal person, and I think that's something society could have more of. On another note, I now have a girlfriend. A year ago, I never thought that was even fathomable."

The nerd dating trend, however, may be short lived. Some fashionistas have even started to exchange their nerds for shiny bracelets. Another possible trend could also involve owning lots of cats and buying an enormous victorian house in need of a lot of repairs. Experts are divided on the issue, and say it could go either way. 

Mary Newhouse of HOT FASHION, a new high end designer brand from New York said:

"No, the nerd thing was cool. I mean, I still have mine, but I needed to spice him up a little bit. I wrapped a blue scarf with purple sequins around his leg and I have him shimmy behind me when I'm talking to company. Occasionally I make him wear a mask and a feather boa.  And, I think he really likes it. It's a win for everybody."

Whether the trend stays, goes, or morphs into something like what Ms. Newhouse described is hard to say, but to all nerds out there at least they can take this olive branch and live more fulfilling lives.

PS - Bald babies might be the new black.

My relationship with homework

Homework, you are so abusive. You drain my time, my precious moments of life. You seem to want me to hate you. Well I'm not giving in. In fact, I love you. And, I love you even more when I'm done with you. Just a couple hard long hours putting up with you, trying to please you and then I'm done with you. It's a daily affair. A bridge that I continually cross. On the one side is you, forcing me to monogamy, and on the other side is my life without you and your oppressive demands.

You entice me saying that spending time with you is healthy. You tempt me saying that you will increase my reservoir of knowledge and passion. I know better. It is I who do you. It is I who puts in the time. You are not responsible for anything. You are my responsibility. You're clingy, demanding, and I put up with you out of my own good will. Homework, you are my b*tch.

Homework. Soon we will part with one another. Your cousin work is so much better-looking and attractive than you. And, on top of that, she pays me.