Bravo Bahrain: Bidet Hoses!

Something I already know I’m going to miss when I leave Bahrain is the bidet hose by the toilet. Never have I felt so clean after a luxurious perch upon the porcelain throne. I don’t know when or where someone decided the West had to stick with simply toilet paper, but obviously Bahrain didn’t get the memo. The Japanese and their Toto toilets seem to indicate that Bahrain is not alone in its use of water for anus sanctification.

America, God bless her, hacked her way out of the wilderness with her own two hands, bearing her children along the way…and she used what she could to get the job done: leaves, sage, newspaper, and now, deluxe super soft toilet paper. I suppose in the western states this is somewhat understandable given water scarcity, but in the east they could have thrown a bidet or bidet hose in from time to time.

It’s just funny because Bahrain has pretty much used up its natural aquifers and gets at least 70% of its water from desalination; yet, they’re all about the butt hygiene. And at least for that, I applaud them.

In case you needed a visual on proper usage.

AFTERWORD

Turns out, after a little research, using a y-gate attachment, you can hook up a bidet hose to any toilet. Looks like this good idea is coming back home with me.

Brown Shirt

This article is somewhat of an anachronism. It was meant to be published some time in the middle of last year:

So I'm sure you've seen these shirts:

While generally I find the sentiment crass, I actually experienced a moment where that statement was indeed validating, vindicating and even...a personal victory.

That moment came shortly after I had my appendix removed. 

The white-lab-coat-clad doctor types had prescribed me some sort of weird black pill to "loosen up my bowels" after a fairly substantial duration of going without my regular porcelain project #2. So as I took the vicodin/percocet with religious devotion, I was no less devoted to this pill.

But even so, the shirt's victorious refrain was not brought to fruition without much trial and adversity. I'll spare you the vivid details, but I will allude to another theory I have to bring the appropriate mental picture to full focus.

So I'm sure you're familiar with full moons and the effect they have on pregnant women, tides, and romance. Well, similarly I have found that some of the largest donations I have ever made to the ivory throne in the bathroom have occurred during full moons. And these are not requited in the least. They generally resemble young brown whales, often times breaching and even beaching themselves on the lip of the bowl. It seems almost impossible that such monstrosities can be expended from intestines of such a known and finite dimension. The event requires an almost birthing effort. Inexplicable. Yet it happens.

So that first victory after surgery was similar in how grand an event it was. A rather large, and generally unrelatable victory. Well, not in polite company anyway. But, you aren't polite company. Not today at least.

Outlawed: The word 'poop'

Outlawed: In the state of Utah, the word 'poop'.

This means that all people who need to defecate must use another word. If one must go to the bathroom, apparently one of the only permissible ways to say it is, "May I go to the bathroom?".

However, it is unclear whether it is permissible or politically correct to say "pinch a loaf," or "drop a deuce," or even "drop the Cosby kids off at the pool." However, what we do now know is that saying the word 'poop' in public is no longer permitted. Anyone caught saying it may be exposed to abject humiliation, fines, and possible jail time. The legislature deemed the word 'unsatisfactory' and gave it a subpar rating on their 'word appropriateness scale.' Other words and phrases receiving similarly poor ratings were: gryphendor, high school musical, potty, jamer ramers, flippin', and frickin'.


Vigilante enforcement is encouraged by local police and other law enforcement personnel. Recommended methods are bludgeoning via spoon, squeegee, or rolls of duct tape or eating all of their snack food. Rewards for certain at large menaces exceed $500.

Billy Madison would be pleased.