Sleeping Foot Dreams!

Everyone has at one time or another had it happen. Maybe you're sitting at a movie theater. Perhaps at a nice restaurant. Maybe you're in a pew at church. Then, there's that all too familiar pins and needles feeling in your foot, then it creeps up your leg. You try to shake it so that it wakes up. People start to give you weird looks. Some people smirk, others wink. You're unwittingly sending mixed messages. Your foot is asleep.

Well finally, after years of painstaking research, Dr. Ivan Malcomb claims that sleeping feet actually dream. His project began as a simple question from a neighbor while they were playing scrabble and drinking a supposedly non-alcoholic beverage.

"Linda said to me, 'Ivan, my foot's asleep. I hate when this happens. It's probably dreaming of comfortable but stylish shoes, or a stroll on a tropical beach somewhere no doubt. I mean right?' Of course, she was probably just being silly, but a lightning bolt struck my brain at that moment. I had an apostrophe...er...epiphany."

For the next 5 years Dr. Malcomb invited people over to his house to play scrabble, trying myriad techniques to lull their feet into a deep sleep; a sleep he calls RTM. Rapid Toe Movement, similar to its cousin REM - Rapid Eye Movement - occurs when the foot has reached its dream state.

"I tried to be really sedate and boring for 5 years. My wife told me I didn't have to try, but I did anyway. We sat around watching reruns of Mr. Rogers and Baywatch, and playing scrabble, hangman, and team solitaire. Yes, team solitaire," said Dr. Malcomb.

Once a subject's foot entered RTM, he strapped electrodes along its "Neo-Pedal Cortex" on the arch of the foot, and measured the dream activity. After two years of mapping dream activity, Ivan found that he could accurately map the energy, and even what each foot was dreaming.

Dr. Malcomb elaborated, "If the energy is concentrated in the ball of the foot with slow radiating impulses to the toes, the most likely dreams are of little piggies, pedicures, and weird foot-related toe-sucking nightmares. If the energy is along the main corridor of the Neo-Pedal Cortex, then the dreams are more intricate and tend to be about trendy shoe styles, glamor, or massages."

While his research maybe controversial, and his methods unorthodox, Dr. Ivan Malcomb remains adamant that his conclusions are correct.

"I stand by work one hundred percent. I think it will change the world and the way we think about feet, and sleep. My next study will be assessing dreams in other appendages like the arm, the leg, or the...I guess that's it."

So even if you are bothered by your foot's narcolepsy, consider your foot. It might actually enjoy sleeping. Instead of hitting your sleeping foot against a table leg on nervously stamping the floor, perhaps next time you should just rock back and forth gently, sing a sweet lullaby and give your foot a break.

Chronic Smelly Feet Syndrome

What is the truth about smelly feet? Do they come from nasty bacteria and other microbial BO-ridden organisms that live in your rarely if ever unwashed shoes? Or, are smelly feet just an innate quality that makes you who you are, just as your blue eyes, or brown hair, or six fingers and webbed feet do? Either way, what should be done?

I write this as I am currently experiencing nausea by smelly feet. But while I admit that they are gross, just as they say in the Hair Club for Men commercials, "I'm not just the founder, but also a member." For me there are certain shoes that are naturally smellier. They tend to contain more leather, and are generally well-aged. Unlike wine, I have discovered that aged shoes get nastier with time. Yet, for some reason I hang on to them. That probably is because I'd feel guilty giving them to good will, and because I'll still wear them from time to time. Sick I know.

That being said, although I'd like to think I could blame smelly feet entirely on the shoes (at least for me), I also know that some people suffer from chronic smelly feet syndrome (CSFS). Upon birth, people who suffer from this illness exude foul odors from their feet. Often times they are not held as often as other newborns. They are sometimes secluded from the rest of the children and left in the attic or basement. They sometimes have a habit of being very good at video games or reading fantasy novels in which the hero is an ogre or hobbit with grotesquely inhuman feet and body odor. While this life might sound sad, they understand why it must be this way. Smelly feet are just one thing that doesn't gel with civilized democratic society. Sure, we've made huge strides with racial equality, gender equality, and civil rights in general, but when it comes to smelly feet, those who suffer from CSFS are swept under the rug (Or to use a better euphemism, they are left to tread the mire). But why?

Well naturally the mire, bogs, or dank mucky places are more suitable for smelly feet. However, even so, few cranberry bog owners want smelly footed workers. It is commonly believed that those who suffer from CSFS are even boggier and danker than the mucky places with which their feet are equated. While this is unfair, unfortunately that's life. You can take as many showers as you want, use odor eaters, or coat your feet in honey and/or turpentine, but maybe you should just give in to your feet. Your defining characteristic isn't your intellect, your looks, or your gamer skills. You are your feet. They own you.

Give Feet a Chance.

There are many things in life that are maligned, marginalized, disrespected, and of ill repute. Sometimes the object of our disgust is well deserving. Other times it is not. For instance: No one really admires garbage. As nice as it can be to throw, dump, stomp on, and crush, garbage is just not that admirable. We even use it as a put down, like "that idea is garbage." But our marginalization and perhaps even detestation of garbage is not at issue here. There will most likely not be any garbage activists, or garbage rights movements. However, there are other things that are unfairly treated, that perhaps shouldn't be.

One such example is that of the human foot, or feet. We often might tell someone they smell like feet, look like feet, or even have the temperament of feet. But is that really so bad? Sure there are plenty of unattractive hobbit-like feet out there, but what about all the nice feet? I mean, just because Bonds, Clemens, A-Rod, McGuire, and Sosa are all steroid users doesn't mean the whole league is. Give feet a chance! Feet we can! 

Feet are important. If you don't have them, you know what I'm talking about. Walking without feet is tricky at best. They provide use with balance, from the heels to the pinky toe. If you think I'm making this stuff up, lop off your pinky toe and try to pass a sobriety test. If you some how manage, then try playing a game of basketball, or try to win a dance off.

(Hobbit feet, some people like them)

Many also believe feet are just not that aesthetically pleasing. Oh please. I mean, the feet may not be the first thing you look for in a potential spouse, but if they are ogre-ish or missing, you might think twice about asking someone out. Men generally like daintier feet, with nice arches and smaller toes in even proportion (however, foot binding is not recommended. I don't care how effective it is). Women tend to like strong feet, perhaps tan, and not ridiculously hairy (although some women do end up marrying or at least dating hobbits). However, there are drawbacks to being a foot person. On the one side, sure, it makes it seem like your not as focused on the more obvious areas, but on the other side, people might think you are weird and have a fetish. So, play it safe. There are simple innocuous ways to check out people's feet.

The most obvious method is asking them to swim at the pool, or go to the beach. (If they are still wearing shoes on the beach or in the pool, they probably have weird feet, and are possibly aliens). 

(You can even use feet in orange juice ads)

Another way to check out their feet is to offer them a foot massage (however, this can be tricky, because once you've offered to do it you will look really bad if you see their feet and then refuse). So, if you do try the massage method, you have to go all the way (If you end up massaging a hobbit, ogre, dwarf, or alien, remember to wash your hands with strong disinfectant, or bleach). 

Another way may seem obvious. Watch a movie on the couch together and curl up with a couple blankets, and if they keep their shoes on get upset and pretend like they're ruining the upholstery. This method also has a big drawback (If their feet stink, you have now forced yourself to a couple hours of misery).

(This diagram shows you how to effectively kill a feet. Go for the kidneys!)

So there you have it. For those of you who still hate feet, and would prefer not to have yours, I can relate a little bit, but I also think you're being unrealistic and stupid. If you want nicer feet, plastic foot surgery is an option (and I know a guy). He can give you Audrey Hepburn's feet, or John Wayne's (however if he screws up they might just look like starfish or mutant salamanders. And, for the record, Audrey's feet weren't that great.