Mystery of the missing forks

After coming home from church, I was happy with the prospect of eating. I was going to reheat the pasta I brought home last night from a local Italian restaurant. And, I successfully reheated it, and even offered some to my brother. However, when we sat down to eat it, we realized something horrifically disturbing had occurred. We had only one fork. 

I checked the sink for dirty dishes. There were only 2, and no fork. I checked the drying rack. There were only spoons and knives. I checked the silverware drawer. Again, only spoons and knives. I checked the random kitchen utensil drawer. No forks. We had no forks. 

No hope. 

So, I ate my meal with a spoon (begrudgingly might I add). Oh, and to make things worse, the fork we were left with was a midget-sized one. Yeah, a shrimp fork. My brother used it, with tears pouring down his face.

I honestly do not know what happened to our forks, but I should have seen this coming. About a month ago we lost all but one of our big forks, and just today we lost all but one of the shrimp forks. But, I do have some theories as to how this has happened:

1. First and foremost I will blame the trash collectors, who have not only refused to take our trash, but now have absconded with our forks (Probably so they can do some weird trashman mystic rituals).

2. We have a clever criminal who has a moderately refined taste for IKEA silverware, and particularly forks. He could be Swedish, given that IKEA is a Swedish company, or he could be Chinese, because all of IKEA's stuff is made there.

3. Our forks left us. They just could not tolerate our cooking any longer. They probably ran off to Italy so their could skewer sausages for the rest of their lives.

4. Ashton Kutcher has devised his most carefully orchestrated PUNK'd episode ever. The filming is over the course of several months. He is starting to mess with us by stealing our forks, then he'll move on to where it hurts: our house plants and pillow cases. Bastard.

5. There are gnomes that live in our house, and they are plotting to take over by creating super-powered fork thrower that they will connect to the back of their pet fox. Their leader David will ride out gloriously in the midst of a charming Christmas dinner party and all hell will break loose.

PS - If you have any ideas as to the whereabouts of our forks please contact us immediately. This is a picture of Fred the fork, last seen with this pasta dish:

Candle Light Potato Dinners

There are many vegetables in the world, but only one potato (excluding the hundreds or even thousands of varieties). The potato is our friend. The average British person consumes 200 pounds of them a year. And, it is America's favorite vegetable. We eat them with our hamburgers as french fries. We eat them with our deli sandwiches as potato salad. We eat them with our breakfast as hash browns and in omelettes.

So then, why with the vegetable being so popular have we not reverenced it and given it a special place at our tables? Why must we sit at a dimly lit table by a veranda overlooking Venice with pasta and salad, instead of a giant baked potato? The answer is simple. We don't.

We can have a splendidly romantic evening with whoever we are wining and dining with just a little music, lighting, and a potato. I must say from experience, that it brings out the best in people. It goes down smoothly and agrees with the stomach much better than salad, making the opportunity for a perhaps more extended romantic evening. The potato has a special magic to it. It has texture and poise, and is beloved by millions. With a potato, you cannot go wrong. Perhaps this year, instead of a bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day, you get her something she'll really appreciate. A sack full of potatoes.