Peyton, Reeling From Humiliating Loss, Caught Eating Dominoes Pizza

Denver - After a soul crushing drumming by some football-playing aquatic seabirds (The Seattle Seahawks), Peyton Manning was seen in a nearby hotel eating Dominoes pizza.

Peyton has a lucrative and well-known endorsement contract with Papa John's, and, reliably, Papa John's was none too pleased.

"Peyton was my boy. He said he loved my dough. He was so happy when he did the commercials. I don't know where I went wrong, " said John Schnatter, AKA Papa John.

Peyton was unavailable for comment.

However, Dominoes' company spokesman did go so far as to say, "Neener, neener, neener," to Papa Johns.

A tribute to Failblog

Ok, I don't endorse failblog, and I'm not on their payroll, but I loved some of today's posts:

Sidewalk fail:



Key pad fail (I liked this especially because it was from Brazil):



Welding mask fail:

I hope you enjoyed those, and were not in any way related to their comeuppance. Failing is such a human thing. It should be celebrated as much as possible so that we remember that we are far from being perfect God-like beings. Although, some basketball players think they are close (I'm looking at you Kobe). Humility. Isn't it about time?

New Sleep Aid: Sleep in a Can

Have you ever found yourself unreasonably tired or restless? Do you find it difficult to sleep, or to even find time for sleep when you want it? Well worry no more. From the makers of 'good times in a box' comes something that will make all your sleeping problems go away. They call it 'Sleep in a Can.' It comes in 6 ounce, 8 ounce, and 12 ounce canisters along with a handy spray nozzle. It has been endorsed by the American Sleep Society (ASS) and got a five star rating from the Unique and Probably Not Real Invention Society. 'Sleep in a Can' also comes in different flavors: night terrors, nightmare, falling into an endless chasm, ponies and rainbows, you failed your math test, and yellow.

The six ounce can goes for about $5, the eight ounce for $7, and the twelve ounce for $10. The superpak goes for $40, but gives you a month's supply and saves you $2 a can. And the testimonials are resoundingly positive. John Ungerbrook, an insomniac from Raleigh, North Carolina, says:

"I don't remember life before sleep in a can. Seriously. I don't remember it. I think I was employed somewhere with people and stuff."

Randy Fitzburg of Pocatello, Idaho, had this to say:

"My favorite flavor is yellow. I can be driving down the interstate, listening to my wife talk about her day, or staring at my computer screen, then, I pop open my 'Sleep in a Can' and I'm wading in a sea of yellow. All the sounds are yellow. The cars and trees are yellow. My wife is yellow. My brain is yellow. I can actually see my yellow brain!"

Martina MacDraw from Ceder City, Iowa, says:

"I used to never sleep. My husband's snoring made me deaf in my left ear. But I bought the superpak of 'Sleep in a Can' and now my husband is losing his hearing from all of my snoring, along with all shrieking and yelling that I do. My favorite flavor is night terrors. My husband has even threatened to divorce me. I haven't been more rested in all my life."

To see more equally convincing endorsements go to www.sleepinacanforlife.com. But before you do, get yours today! Dial now! (559)123-4567! Operators are standing by to help you sleep.

***This product is highly addictive. It is not recommended for people with children (because you might be tempted to sell them into slavery to buy this product). It is also not recommended for pregnant women, fat men, people who look like ducks, unfashionable people, nerds, goobers, athletes, or anyone named Fred. Batteries not included.

Paris

One thing that I've always found interesting: Every woman wants to go to Paris.  It is like the world's Mecca for women to go to find themselves. I've had a lot of my lady friends go there recently. And, I have nothing against the city, but I get very skeptical about its mystique and amazingness when almost every ridiculously overt and entirely unmitigated and trusting endorsement comes from the mouths of women. And, generally they call it wonderful and exciting before they even set foot there.

The truth is, Paris is kinda cool, but very dirty. There are great museums, shops, gardens (but you can find that in other parts of France minus the filth, sleaze, and weirdness). I just think we should broaden our horizons a bit. Women need to stop letting their fantasies control them. Paris is the metrosexual son of King Priam without cajones that started the Trojan war by kidnapping Helen. Paris is the daughter of the Hiltons who has no taste or class, and no intelligence. Almost all the cities named after Paris in the US suck (like Paris Idaho). And Paris in France is only a little better than all those aforementioned Parises.  

Picture found here.