The Greatest Past Time: Sleeping

While you can be sure that baseball is a great past time, I would suggest there is an even better one. One that many people seem only to be able to dream about while awake. This marvelous past time I refer to is sleeping. It is truly a difficult one to master for many. There are however, many child prodigies out there who seem to drop their heads, close their eyes, and start REM at will. What is their secret? Why do so many people who enjoy the past time have such difficultly mastering it?

Well, it's the same as baseball. There are only so many Jake Peavys, Pedro Martinezes, Alberto Pujols and Babe Ruths. In fact, some of our greatest sleepers come around only once in a generation. Some of our greatest sleepers are, however, unfortunately less appreciated and far more scrutinized than anyone entering the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. Those who have this amazing God given skill to sleep and sleep well are often called lazy and unproductive. Usually, I would suggest, out of jealousy. Why can we not appreciate it? Because we want it for ourselves. We cannot enjoy a sleeper's gift the way we can a great baseball player's gift. But, perhaps in the near future, with all those crazy dream and sleep scientists out there, we will be able to experience the beautiful sleep of a true sleeper. Sure, we'll have to be conscious to enjoy their subconsciousness, but hey, it's a step in the right direction.

With greater empathy and insight we might even be able to posthumously admire the former sleeping greats. Here are a few: Ben Franklin, Ronald Reagan, King George III, Harriet Tubman Jimmy Kimmel, Franck Bouyer, Harold M. Ickes, and Lenny Bruce. You may have noticed that some of them are not dead. Even better. We can still appreciate them and further the great past time of sleeping with stars of today.

Here is a link explaining some of these famous narcoleptic's challenges.

Opening Day: God Bless America

Although yesterday was supposed to be the big day, today is has taken its place as opening day for Red Sox baseball. Now I know some of you are Yankees fans. Some of you are Padres fans. Some of you do not care one way or the other. But, today I hope we can relish in the fact that although we are in a severe economic downturn, are facing two wars more than 10,000 miles away, and have looming issues with Russia, China, Iran, North Korea, and terrorist organizations, we can still prop our feet up, sit back, and sip a drink and watch baseball. God bless America, and God bless our troops.

Oh, and the Red Sox won.

Facebook, girls, and my friend "Phil"

Well, I have a whole list of topics to write about for the next few days, but when I showed the list to my brother he said, "Meh." 

So I asked what I should write about. He said, "Girls." With no further elaboration, I really didn't see myself writing anything worthwhile today.

However, I will make this as interesting as possible. Let's start off with a hypothetical situation in which a "friend of mine" might find himself currently. Let's call him Phil. 

So Phil is interested in this girl. He's only spoken to her on one occasion, and has only seen her in passing since then. Phil is an avid baseball fan and decided to watch a certain game on Sunday night instead of going to a function that would have helped him see this girl again. Thinking that perhaps another week would go by without him having an opportunity to get her number, he did something he finds quite tacky. Phil and this girl are friends on facebook. So, he writes her a note to the effect that he wanted to talk to her, watched baseball instead of going to the function, wanted her number, knew he could get it through other means, but wanted to get it from her (even if it were through facebook, which is regrettably lame). 

He sent the message Sunday evening. It is now tuesday. He has no desire to do a follow-up without a response, but still sees her from time to time in passing. 

What should he do?

Here are my thoughts. First off Phil, you're an idiot. You shouldn't have told her that you saw the game instead of going to the function. But even before that, if you know where she lives you should have gone over to her house and asked her out, used that as a pretext to get her number and voila! But, seeing that we can't do anything about what is past, you will have to a) wait for her response and if you don't get one, just pretend it never happened, or just say someone took over your facebook account or b) talk to her the next time you see her and ask her for her number (but don't bring up the facebook thing. If she does, just pretend that you don't know what she's talking about). If it works out, you got lucky. If not, well, my first comment stands.

PS - Enjoy this picture:

Reactions to the Red Sox loss in game 7:

This is what I first had written in my facebook status:

Michael knows the devil rays* are the spawn of Satan.

Here was a reaction:

Friend: oh come now...don't hate...appreciate...

Me: Can't do it [Friend]. I'm rooting for the Phils.

Friend: I'm rooting for the Phillies too, but that's because I will cheer for any team in the Mid-Atlantic or the northeast in general, sans the Yankees and the Patriots before I cheer for Tampa Bay.

Me: That's good.

Friend: I should note that I forgot to include the Red Sox in the sans category...sorry, no real love for New England.

Me: Well, at least you're not pro-Tampa Bay

After that I decided to change my status. This is what I changed it to:

Michael felt that he should change his status to something less provocative: A Ray killed Steve Irwin, and I didn't cheer then either.

Here are the responses (on direct, the other in conversation)

Friend 2: Ha ha ha! That's awesome!

Conversation with friend 3:

Status of Friend 3: Friend 3 is starting the revolution.

Me: I will join your revolution.

Friend 3: thank you and I love your status.

Me: That status is for everyone in New England and so the world hates the Rays for the atrocities they have committed.

Friend 3: it's true. serious sin.

Me: yes. Egregious. They need to confess to the Bishop.

Friend 3: bastards. are they even any true rays fans? I feel like it was a bigger deal that we lost than they are in it

Me: I agree. They only have bandwagon fans with silicon chests and faces.

Friend 3: and botox lips.

Me: and fake bake tans and laser-removed hairless bodies

Friend 3: jerks.

If only it ended there. My brother and I talked about how good a metaphor it was. We are and will always be Steve Irwin (the croc hunter) devotees, and were devastated when he died. We are just as devoted to the Red Sox. Therefore, we think it fair to say that the Red Sox were just as savagely taken from us by the same perpetrator: Rays. 

I refuse to even look at them at the aquarium.

* They changed the name this year to Rays, omitting the word "Devil" probably due to some irked fundamentalists.

Baseball Gods

Have you ever met a mortal God? 

Have you ever met a mortal God that plays baseball?

Ok, maybe it's not fair to ask whether you've met one, but perhaps you've seen one before. They are rare, and often have strange names. I saw two last night:

Covelli Loyce "Coco" Crisp and David Jonathan "J.D." Drew.

You probably weren't watching, but if you were it didn't look good for the Red Sox last night. Down 7-0 in the seventh inning of an elimination game in the American League Championship Series against the Tampa Bay Rays, the Red Sox looked anemic. For the third game in a row their starting pitcher had imploded and they were down 2-0 in the first inning, then 5-0 only in the third, then 7-0 in the 7th. I was flipping channels in between BYU's game and the Sox. Both games looked very bad to me. BYU was down 23-0 after the first half against TCU, and the Red Sox looked to be goners for this year, going down without much of a fight, Tampa Bay players playing with huge grins on their faces ready for a World Series showdown with the Phillies.

Then something miraculous happened. With two men on, the energizer bunny of the Sox team, 5' 6" Dustin Pedroia hit a single and got the Sox on the board. Only one at-bat later, "Big Papi" David Ortiz, who had been without a home run in his previous 61 at-bats hits a towering shot to right field. All of a sudden the game is 7-4. 

The next inning with 1 man on, JD Drew, God among men, clutchest man to ever live comes to the plate against the Ray's reliever Wheeler. Well, let's just say it wasn't Wheeler's night. Drew crushed the ball and made the game 7-6. But, if that weren't enough (and it wasn't) Wheeler got 2 outs and looked like he was going to wrap things up when my favorite outfielder/chocolate cereal came to the plate. Coco Crisp. After battling for 10 pitches, he sliced a beautiful single in play with Mark Kotsay at second and tied the game at 7-7. Coco was tagged out trying to extend his single to a double, but the damage was done. 

But, it looked like it wasn't going to be the next inning as Justin Masterson was pitching with one out and 2 on in the top of the ninth. Then, quite masterfully, Masterson induced a grounder from the Rays' go-to guy, Carlos Pena. One 4-6-3 double play later we were all tied up in the bottom of the ninth.

The Rays' little boy of a man JP Howell was pitching. And, he managed to get two outs, but not before 3rd baseman Evan Longoria botched getting Kevin Youkilis out at first on a routine grounder. The ball went into the seats after Pena couldn't hang on to the errant throw. Youk took second. Then Jason Bay (supposedly Manny's replacement, but a lot better of a person) steps to the plate. The Rays manager Joe Maddon decides to intentionally walk him, bringing up once again JD Drew, with his career 4-7 average against lefty JP Howell. It was lefty versus lefty. And my money was on the baseball God whose name rhymed with 'Screw."

And, he didn't disappoint. He sandwedged a shot into right field just over the extended glove of Rays outfielder Adam Gross. GAME OVER. Red Sox win 8-7 in the biggest playoff comeback in MLB history since 1929, and the biggest ever elimination game playoff win ever.

I have seen mortal Gods who play baseball. 

Coco Crisp and JD Drew.

Now the most beautiful names on earth. Who knew?

Red Sox vs. Yankees

The Yankees didn't become a storied franchise until Boston foolishly sold Babe Ruth to them. The team with more history from the get go was the Red Sox.  The Red Sox had 5 World Series victories prior to 1918. How many did the Yankees have? None. We give them our best player, all of a sudden they win some. So don't tell me we're just bitter and have never been nice to the Yankees.  

On another note, after Johnny Damon opted to play for the Yankees for more money that the Red Sox were offering after 2005, the Yankees haven't won a series. The Red Sox won the last one in 2007. Silly Johnny (you looked better as Jesus). In fact, the Yankees haven't won since 2000. Of course it's only an 8 year drought as opposed to the 86 year drought Boston had, but with a little faith from the Fenway faithful, we might be able to extend New York's bump in the road.

But, before I go deep into this, let me remind you that I have nothing against New York. I love Mets fans. I even tolerate Dodgers fans (a team that used to be located in Brooklyn, but got moved to LA). But, I cannot tolerate Yankees fans.  I speak in general, because I have some good friends who are Yankees fans, but they, to me, are legitimate. A lot of people are just fans because they like the hats, they think that 'being from New York' is a good enough reason, or they had a boyfriend who was a fan. Those are all lame rationales. The real fans have Yankee blood, are die-hard at the games, and would get into a fight for any reason with a Red Sox fan. And, the same goes for any fan of a Major League team. But, even with the die hard Yankees fans, who would you pick to win in a fight:

a) a team who has won 26 World Series titles, feels entitled to win every year, buys whatever player looks best for exorbitant sums, and has more celeb and wall street fans, or - 

b) a team who has only won 7 World Series titles, had an 86 year drought (where it came very close a couple times only to be cursed), and whose fans are pub owners, dock workers, and a smattering of southies?

I think I take the more punished fan base with more blue collar types. Boston fans can beat the crap out of Yankee fans. Think about it. Do Red Sox fans fear being pummeled in New York if they go to cheer on their team? Now, thinking in the reverse, do New York fans fear going to Boston to cheer for the Yanks? The answer to the first is an obvious no, but the second is an obvious yes. Fenway is a smaller park, and sits deep in the heart of Red Sox Nation. In New York you still have Mets and Dodgers fans, and the people are more apathetic about their team. They've become desensitized because of their success. They feel entitled. And until that attitude stops, they will not win.

There is a reason the Yankees are called 'The Evil Empire.'

Pictures taken from: here and here and here.

All Star Game Ads

So last night, as I assume many of you were, I was watching the Major League Baseball All-Star game.  The game was intense, lasted almost five hours, going 15 full innings, and in the end, the American League beat the National League for the 12th undefeated season.

But that's not what I want to write about today.  The thing that stuck out most were the commercials.  And apparently, the summer classic's advertising demographic.  The advertisers were Viagra, Flomax, Just for Men, and a tone deaf monkey screaming (not singing) 'Take me out to the ball game,' for some youtube.com/MLB contest.  

Of course there were other ads from Chevy and other companies, but most of the ads were definitely directed at the Baby-boomer crowd (plus 40s).  So I began to think to myself, "Could it be that MLB has no new fans?  I heard that the average baseball fan is 29...so maybe it's true.  I'm not even 29 yet, but what happens if our national pastime dies with the boomers?"

It would be very sad.  It is a beautiful game.  There is so much math, interesting rules, and history.  Legends were made, nations formed, and familial relations were given new life.  Going to a game with your father, or playing catch is a rite of passage in this country.  I'd hate to see it die.  But, I imagine if many more All-Star games go to 15 innings and 5 hours, people might not have the attention spans anymore.  That, and maybe people are getting embarrassed watching 50 year old guys rocking out on stage with hair color commercials and old dudes with giant smiles and sky blue tuxes running their wives up and down stairs with 'viva viagra' playing in the background. 

 Who knows?  I thought it was funny, and even told one of my friends he'd be the first one of us to use Viagra.  He laughed and said, "I already do."