Saturday, September 15, 2007

Stereotypes


Stereotypes are unavoidable. And, of course, fun. But they wouldn't be nearly as fun or funny if they weren't based on truth. Yeah, we always strive not to label people, but what would we do without blanket statements and blatantly non-PC social commentary? Some would say utopia. I would suggest hell. But if you like hell, maybe it's one and the same. For instance, if I couldn't make a general statement like, "People who live in Boston are stubborn massholes," or people in LA are "fake-baking, bling-loaded chumps," how else could we address their social backwardness while still eliciting a chuckle? The fact is, people who get labeled generally accept it and laugh along with it. It doesn't mean they'll change, and in fact might create some pride in their mocked lifestyles, but at least it's been addressed in a way that is more enjoyable than the painful truth.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Humor?


Well I've been less than regular on this blog. But, with school kicking into high-gear again I'm just trying to get adjusted. And, to be honest I don't even know if I really do have any regular readers for this little diatribe spot I do anyway. Clearly not all of my wanderings have been satirical, or even good writing. But, I hope in general I have kept those who read this entertained.

On that line of thought I wanted to write a little about what entertains people. Tastes in humor. For instance, here in Utah a lot of people are attracted to the cookies and gum drops kind of positivistic mush humor that you might find on 'Blue's Clues' or 'Sesame Street'. And, when I'm really tired, or with the right company I might even manage to wrangle up a muffled chuckle or giggle, but for the most part I just don't get it. I just would rather leave PBS and puppets for the kids. My humor, as you may have gathered, tends to be observational, practical and has plenty of sarcastic undertones. Some may think I'm bitter or cynical, but my view is that if you can't laugh at yourself and the silly stuff that happens all around you from minute to minute, you're just not gonna last that long. I'm an optimist, but I don't think we need to put tutus on cats or talk like we're five year olds to get by. What is needed, is a vision. A vision of today, tomorrow and what could be. Always looking out beyond the next hill, bend or banana peel. And, if there's still some banana left in it, then all the better.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Good Life


Have you ever found yourself ridiculously early to some engagement? Or perhaps arrived several days to a week before a convention, summer camp, or college? If you answered yes, you then are probably familiar with how absolutely easy it is to get things done and entertain yourself. Oh, and of course, when all you have is Jesus-style transportation (sandals) it becomes all the more fun. Just think about how easy it is to get a job and talk to people who might lead you in the right direction when they're not around. Oh, and if that weren't enough to get you excited, imagine that your belongings are divided between a garage attic and your friend's pink frumpy dump of a house with no AC, and you have to wait while they "clean" out your new rental unit. Then, when you call people they don't answer their phones. You see, that's what makes for efficiency. Never a dull moment.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Driving in Utah


Driving is fun. Especially in Utah. People courteously slow down before hills, curves, and slam on their brakes a full 1/2 mile ahead of time if they see anything even remotely resembling the redness of a brake light in front of them. They merrily barrell into on-coming traffic with a comfy, affable wave, and they generally like to wait for those turning left when they are crossing an intersection. It just makes me so giddy to see them all do it with smiles on their faces, cute little poof hair-dos that look like hampster nests, and enough makeup to put Queen Elizabeth I to shame. I mean, I've seen such behavior on both coasts, but middle America seems to do it naturally, with no ulterior motives. On the east, they're in a big hurry, on the west, they just like to see how fast they can go, but here, in precious Utah they just have this amazing, innate driving ability. Where I am from, we hone and cultivate our quirky driving. I guess I'm just jealous.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Bouldering at Twin Lakes


How many times in your life have you been out-witted by a rock? If it's more than one you might suffer from serious mental issues. Or, you could be me (which is not really a distinction). As I live the high life here in the Sierra Nevadas at my family's cabin we have good times doing crazy things. One such thing was bouldering.

This morning. It looked like an easy enough rock, covered in a sweet and supple layer of lichen and with a few decent grips. My brothers and I had brought a camera, music and a crash pad along with chalk and shoes. My brother Freddy* was the first to try. After the rock ripped up his hands, and the crash pad was covered with lichen and iron wood twigs, he conquered the granite beast. However, I was not so successful. After chalking up and scrambling for grips, yelling things at the rock and surrounding vicinity that would not be appropriate for children under 17, I left in disgust and anguish. I was outsmarted by a rock.


*Name changed

Friday, July 27, 2007

Gorebal Warming


No, that wasn't a typo. That is the new turn of phrase I heard this evening and believe bears repeating. Global Warming, or the emotional science of panic and hysteria that blames mankind for any and all climate change, has been pioneered and pushed to the political forefront by none other than Al Gore. Al Gore is very good at manipulating people into hating themselves and their lifestyles, while still maintaining his own, gas-guzzling, green-free way of life.

What?! Al Gore is all talk? Yes. How so you ask? Well, quite simply, he uses offset credits. When he takes a long trip on private jets, he buys these credits to offset his carbon footprint. Now, he'll also tell you that his house runs entirely on natural gas, which is true. But what he won't tell you is that natural gas is a fossil fuel, limited in abundance just as oil is, and rather inefficient in comparison. Furthermore, the real shocker is that President Bush, supposedly the big business, environment hater has ranch in Crawford, Texas that is the model of green science. Using deep underground cisterns, he cools his home with a design that uses the land it is built on to cool it in the summer and warm it in the winter. That being said, he does not even need to buy offset credits.

Now, I am not going to say that the climate doesn't change, or is not changing. The climate is always changing! And, it will continue to do so, with or without our help(not to say that we should not be good stewards of the planet). I have read article after article of snow in places of the world where it hasn't done so in 50 or 100 years. There is frost across parts of Australia. It snowed in Buenos Aires, Argentina and Johannesburg, South Africa. Denver had its coldest June since the 1930s. People are dying in Peru of sub-zero temperatures, while the jungle hovers at 50 degrees F. Now, if that isn't a stamp of approval on the global warming alarmist agenda, I don't know what is. Of course, not to omit that obviously we release greenhouse gases, the amount we release is minimal in overall picture. And, greenhouse gases make up only a fraction of the atmosphere.

Is it likely, as some predict that the polar ice cap will melt during the summer months in the next ten years? No. And would we have reason to fear the ocean rising significantly if it did? No. Why? Just remember that when a waiter pours you a glass of ice water, if you don't touch it, he can still come back later and fill it, even if it was full to the brim. Why is that? Because water expands when it freezes, and contracts when it melts. Therefore, any melting icecaps will displace less water than they currently do. Food for thought.

Another interesting fact is that we have heard that "global average temperature" is rising. How is it possible to come up with a "global average temperature?" Do these theorists have any idea how much space is uninhabited by humans in the world? And, how are these thermometers, mostly located in urban areas, where population growth has continued, more buildings and concrete has been erected, supposed to accurately show a trend, when many are placed next to international airports, and air-conditioning vents? Quite obviously there will be discrepancies, and even with these discrepancies, the results are inconclusive, and not statistically significant.

On the whole I just want good, solid science and not this political panic attack on the public's conscience. Of course we should do our part, recycling and planting trees, and picking up litter, but we don't need to carve scarlet letter's on our chests and re-adapt our car engines to run on fry-ilator grease.

E85, on another note, is driving up the price of corn, because it uses the cob, rather than the stalk to create the ethanol. Furthermore, E85 is not a solvent industry by itself. It needs government subsidies to keep it afloat. However, there is good news about E85. Some paper forests in the Carolinas and Georgia, like those owned by Georgia Pacific, are planning ethanol plants using the waste cellulose from cuttings and the paper process to create energy. This should be viable in only a few short years, and the plant will be up and running in one year. Now, if they could use the corn stocks instead of the cobs, then E85, might be a reasonable solution. But for now let's start using our resources!

We are the Saudi Arabia of coal. We have untouched deposits in most of the lower 48 states. We also have untouched oil and natural gas deposits off the gulf coast and in Alaska. If we could tap these resources, we would reduce our foreign dependence by more than 80 percent. However, thanks to the lazy, self-interested politicians who say more than they do, these resources are "protected." Translation: un-usable; off-limits. They say the best way to reduce foreign dependence is by using solar, or wind power, which attributes to less than 2% of the nation's power needs. Oh yes, and hydroelectric accounts for another 3-5%. Well gee, that still leaves 93%. And how do we get that energy? Evil fossil fuels. And, just a question, but when was the last time an oil drill killed a seagull? Oh wait, that's wind power. When was the last time you used a plastic fork? Oh wait, you wouldn't have that without fossil fuels.

There is, however, need to panic. As China totally rebuilds itself as it prepares for the Olympics, it guzzles fossil fuels, and corners the market on construction materials. The real problem with that is simple. They are building power plants and generating industry to create steel and construction materials. The US, disabled by politicians from using its power-creating might, sees its steel industry and construction industry enter into serious decline, with material prices sky-rocketing in result. In conjunction with the devaluation of the dollar, these effects have brought about the ridiculous housing bubble, which fortunately, people are finally starting to wake up to.

The Armageddon, doom and gloom predictors who say we cannot use fossil fuels or drive our cars because of global warming, are the same hypocrites who do just what they ask others not to do. I call for something different. No more panic, but sensible, rational moderation. Let us allow for scientific discourse and not vilify those who don't buy into the global warming panic. It might be part of a larger, thousand-year trend. We cannot outlaw CO2 as some have done. Plants need it. And, let us remember who is really to blame. The cows. That's right. Cattle and sheep contribute more greenhouse gas than all man-made emissions by some 20 times the volume. It's just not as simple as the IPCC makes it out to be.

Radio America I bid thee farewell!


This is a night to be remembered. Not cherished, but stored away in the fond archives of things I will never have to do again(hopefully). This night, once over, will be unlike so many others. I will never wake, for I will never sleep, but I will leave the office jubilant of a mission accomplished. That's right. Tonight is the last time I will have to pull at all-nighter at work. I started today at 2pm and will remain here until 5am. But it has been a wonderful ride. Full of chinese food, mini-lunch sandwiches, Booeymonger, prank phone calls, incessant yelling for nothing, and hours typing, reading and filling spare moments on facebook, my only outlet other than my cell phone and the hectic corridors of my mind. Oh, and lucky me, I get to work construction all day tomorrow. I hope it rains. Hard.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Funny guys win


Whenever I speak to girls about traits they look for in a guy, ordinarily the first thing I hear is "funny." If a guy can make a girl laugh he's in. It's not compassion, honesty, intelligence, athleticism or even looks. If a guy is funny he's set. So basically, if you are one of those guys who looks like he got his face smashed seven times with a shovel and run over by a Mack truck, as long as you know how to crack a joke or drop a one liner, you can marry Michelle Pfeifer. There is hope for those of you on a strict "donut/beer" diet! Just be funny. That is the answer. You can lie, cheat, steal, smell bad, be lazy...but as long as you have that wry smile, a glimmer in your eye, and can bust out a clever stand up routine, you're home free. What are women thinking? Funny is good, but let's not overlook the other stuff.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Do the Limbo!


Limbo to some is a fun game where you get limber and get groovy with some sweet Rastafarian rifts, but for others is just a subtle, momentary temptation to sacrifice your lower back, pride, and tail bone in the name of impressing some girl in a hula skirt who you think is winking at you. But limbo is more than that. Way more.

For those of you who find yourself in between the years of 18-25(maybe older) and you haven't quite finished college yet, but are very close; you are probably very familiar with the other kind of limbo. It's the kind that enables you to get a less than sweet job, get exploited like a 5 year old Malaysian kid at a shoe factory, going with little or no pay, but bleeding your soul for your employer all the while. Yes, I speak of internships. Sure, you get a few perks, rub some elbows, maybe get some free Chinese food, but beyond that it's slave labor. And why are you so used? Well, simply put, you're a liability. If you were on the payroll, the company you intern for would be paying you to learn, and inevitably, falter. But, if they don't have to do that, why would they? Not only do they get their whole inventory marked, boxed, organized, and put in a multi-colored database spreadsheet format, but if you screw up, they don't have to pay you. They can chuckle and just give you a more demeaning task. Not to say that you don't get plenty of experience and contacts through internships, but realistically it is probably challenging to say the least to pay your cell phone bill, fill your car with gas, pay for public transport, rent, insurance, etc. So, ideally if you have an internship it would be nice if your family or institution covered your butt. Fortunately for many, they do. For you others, you have to get other jobs. Like maybe three other jobs, and then still scrape to get by. And then, on top of that you may not even go into that line of work.

That brings us back to limbo. If you go to an internship great! You gain experience and have your eyes opened. However, if you don't end up going to that company or career path, it might just be a whole lot of mucking through slop without a clean horse stall at the end. But, if life is for living, then, well, at least you lived it. Limbo can be good. A blessing and a curse. You don't want to shut the door on your options...but you don't want to end up in a career 10 years up the road that you despise. Do the limbo limbo lim, do the limbo limbo la....

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The FFF


Now, from what I gather the whole internet social networking thing, is sort of "a big deal, " which brings with it a whole new world of relations and terminology. One such fun new acronym is best described as someone who adds you as a facebook friend, only to dump you and then re-add you just to keep tabs. These are the Fickle Facebook Friends, or, 'FFF' if you like. I know you all have at one point or another had something like that happen to you, be it on myspace, facebook, orkut or whatever. However, given that facebook is the most legimate of the network sites, being safest, and least whore-like when it comes to advertising and ownership, the new terminology comes from it. Don't bother remembering FFF's birthdays...they're just using you.