New Sleep Aid: Sleep in a Can

Have you ever found yourself unreasonably tired or restless? Do you find it difficult to sleep, or to even find time for sleep when you want it? Well worry no more. From the makers of 'good times in a box' comes something that will make all your sleeping problems go away. They call it 'Sleep in a Can.' It comes in 6 ounce, 8 ounce, and 12 ounce canisters along with a handy spray nozzle. It has been endorsed by the American Sleep Society (ASS) and got a five star rating from the Unique and Probably Not Real Invention Society. 'Sleep in a Can' also comes in different flavors: night terrors, nightmare, falling into an endless chasm, ponies and rainbows, you failed your math test, and yellow.

The six ounce can goes for about $5, the eight ounce for $7, and the twelve ounce for $10. The superpak goes for $40, but gives you a month's supply and saves you $2 a can. And the testimonials are resoundingly positive. John Ungerbrook, an insomniac from Raleigh, North Carolina, says:

"I don't remember life before sleep in a can. Seriously. I don't remember it. I think I was employed somewhere with people and stuff."

Randy Fitzburg of Pocatello, Idaho, had this to say:

"My favorite flavor is yellow. I can be driving down the interstate, listening to my wife talk about her day, or staring at my computer screen, then, I pop open my 'Sleep in a Can' and I'm wading in a sea of yellow. All the sounds are yellow. The cars and trees are yellow. My wife is yellow. My brain is yellow. I can actually see my yellow brain!"

Martina MacDraw from Ceder City, Iowa, says:

"I used to never sleep. My husband's snoring made me deaf in my left ear. But I bought the superpak of 'Sleep in a Can' and now my husband is losing his hearing from all of my snoring, along with all shrieking and yelling that I do. My favorite flavor is night terrors. My husband has even threatened to divorce me. I haven't been more rested in all my life."

To see more equally convincing endorsements go to www.sleepinacanforlife.com. But before you do, get yours today! Dial now! (559)123-4567! Operators are standing by to help you sleep.

***This product is highly addictive. It is not recommended for people with children (because you might be tempted to sell them into slavery to buy this product). It is also not recommended for pregnant women, fat men, people who look like ducks, unfashionable people, nerds, goobers, athletes, or anyone named Fred. Batteries not included.

Radio America I bid thee farewell!

This is a night to be remembered. Not cherished, but stored away in the fond archives of things I will never have to do again(hopefully). This night, once over, will be unlike so many others. I will never wake, for I will never sleep, but I will leave the office jubilant of a mission accomplished. That's right. Tonight is the last time I will have to pull at all-nighter at work. I started today at 2pm and will remain here until 5am. But it has been a wonderful ride. Full of chinese food, mini-lunch sandwiches, Booeymonger, prank phone calls, incessant yelling for nothing, and hours typing, reading and filling spare moments on facebook, my only outlet other than my cell phone and the hectic corridors of my mind. Oh, and lucky me, I get to work construction all day tomorrow. I hope it rains. Hard.

Insomniac with Michael Powers

Ah sleep I wish I knew thee! I remember those bygone days of deep REM stages and comfy pillows and horribly saggy mattress cushions. It was just you and me. I could talk to a monkey, fight with the transformers and visit friends in Florida all in one night. But now, unfortunately my nights are filled with awakedness. And although it rhymes with nakedness, it is nowhere near as good. Working the graveyard shift is bad enough, but working extra-long graveyard shifts is death to my once dear friend sleep. I hope to find him again...but you never know.