The Internet is Sucking Out Our Brains.

(Yes, the brainsucking monster represents the internet)

Ok, I've milled this over a little bit.

Turns out, the Satire Report isn't generating the same kind of interest it used to. Some of this might be because I'm not longer in college or because most college kids aren't bored enough at school to read it (assuming they are my demographic), or because I just suck at writing. Perhaps I've lost my edge (assuming I ever had an edge). It might also be because I'm not as consistent as I once was (I'm willing to bet that's a large part of it). However, the truth is, most of the people who "visited" this site, just came for the pictures. People in the internet age don't have the attention spans to read whole articles (unless you have no life like me). In fact, most of my "readers" probably stopped reading this blog post after the first sentence (I know, unfair stereotyping, but c'mon, what did you expect?)

But there is a greater risk here. Sure, you might be disappointed if I stopped doing this blog (more likely you wouldn't care either way), but I think the person I would most disappoint would be myself. Why is that? Because I am unnecessarily addicted (connected, wired, glued, take your pick) to the internet. I spend WAY too much time reading articles, posting them on facebook, changing my twitter status, watching highlights and reading articles on ESPN.com, checking my mail, and basically living often times vicariously through online social networking mediums. What is happening? I'll tell you what is happening. The internet is sucking the life out of me. The online world is sapping my brain juice and feeding it to either the Matrix, the Deceptocons, or Bill Nye the Science Guy (possibly all of them).

(This woman is clearly being attacked by the internet)

But I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I were the only sufferer of this brain-sapping, life-altering plague. There are more of us online social networking, blogging, article-reading zombies! We think we shape the world around us with our tweets and article reviews, but in truth we're just doing it out of lack of creativity, invention, or willingness to do something else that is probably more worthwhile anyway (That's not to say I don't workout, go running, eat things, go to parties, hang out, read books, play sports, try to get gainful employment, etc). But I could definitely limit my internet usage. I could call an old buddy on the phone (maybe go through all my phone contacts and delete the ones that hate me, or that I will never call). I could read several books. I could get some friends together and do something crazy MORE often. I could learn a couple more Italian and Brazilian food recipes. I could go surfing more. I could work at a real job (pending me receiving an offer) more. I could bone up on my Spanish, make abstract sculptures out of scrap sheet metal, finger paint with my toes, butt and ears, or build a sailboat. All good options. Oh, and I used to write more poetry. I could get back to that.

BAM! Look at all the non-internet stuff that I can do! And you can do. As Captain Planet (the environmentalist brainwashing tool that tainted our youth) would say: "The power is YOURS!" Or as G.I. Joe would say: "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle." Or as Larry the Cable Guy would say: "Get R Done!"

(Oh Captain Planet, you've destroyed the minds of so many little children. And to little guy that says, "heart" - you were unfairly ridiculed)

Philosophy of the Meatball

It is an age old question. A tale as old as time. A song as old as rhyme. Why do we like saucy meatballs? Why do we need sauce with meatballs? What makes meatball sauce so saucy? All of these are penetrating, deep questions with no easy answer. Meatball historians have been plagued by these ontological questions since the first meatball showed up on the scene thousands of years ago. Italians will claim the meatball. Americans claim the meatball. Even the Afghanis have a meatball claim. But who is first? Was the meatball created, or has it always existed a priori to our human existence? Do we shape the meatball, or has it shaped us?

This brings us to another interesting subject. Meatball worship. There are cultures in the Pacific islands that believe in an omniscient, omnipresent, omnibus meatball. It is the giver and taker of life. Where the Japanese have the earth or the moon on the back of a sea turtle, these islanders have it all within the deliciously well-seasoned layers of the tropical meatball. The belief is that all life is saucy, delicious, and full of meat. We must embrace it, smother it with sauce, and devour it. Then the meatball has become one with us and we have become one with it.

But what makes a meatball? Is it the meat, or the spherical shape? Is it the sauce, or the spices? The meatball is whole. It is not just its parts. It cannot be entirely meat or entirely ball, just as we cannot be entirely "hu" or entirely "man". If we understand the meatball, we in turn understand ourselves. All meatballs made by man worldwide are symbolic of this greater metaphysical truth meatball. Some are made out of goat, sheep, beef, turkey, or, in some rare cases, people. But regardless of their meat substance they have a unity of shape and purpose. Roundness and edibility. Such is life. Round and edible.

Obama is right.

I hope most of you who read this blog know that some of it is satire, a lot of it is exaggeration, and I try to generate responses both negative and positive. I am over the top at times to make a point. At no point is my aim to offend or misrepresent important issues.  With that disclaimer let me talk about something that pleases me.

Obama recently said he thinks reparations are not the solution to the repercussions of slavery. I am in complete agreement with that.  

Slavery is over. I am not, nor was I ever, responsible for it. The current African American community is not enslaved. Giving them money only encourages a mentality of entitlement and dependency. There have been numerous programs created by the government to 'help' the black community. These programs treat blacks like second-class citizens. The government favors them with welfare policies and school tuition subsidies, because it believes they can't make it without its help. This is America. We believe in the American dream. Anyone can make it big. Just go out and get it. We cannot create balance and equality by reversing the scale. We need to make it even. We all are capable people.

Reparations are not a solution, but would create more problems than they aim to solve. There is no way to quantify the suffering, death, torture, oppression, years of discrimination, or even continuing discrimination by a dollar figure. Furthermore, why should Asian Americans, Indian Americans, Muslims, Hispanics, and Caucasians dole out money to fill the pockets of African Americans who have not experienced slavery, and who are more than capable of making their own way in this country without a handout? There are many peoples who have been discriminated against in America. The Irish, the Italians, the Chinese, and the Jews to name a few, have all been discriminated against. We cannot play favorites, and we cannot expect that money will take away the years of pain and inequality. The apology congress came up with is meaningless.  People  cannot meaningfully apologize for something they themselves have not done, nor can they apologize to people who have not been victims of atrocities. We need not create more victims through apologies and reparations. 

Of course the government was wrong with the Jim Crow laws. People suffered needlessly. But no amount of money, pats on the back, or apologies will fix the hurt. We need to get on with out lives, let the African community live theirs, and give them the expectation that they can do it on their own, like the rest of this country.