Connoisseurs of the Finer Things

It may come as no surprise to you that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Yes a mouthful). However, we are generally more commonly referred to as Mormons or LDS. I'd say that might save your mouth and mind the aggravation of memorization and your short hand the unease of remembering where to put a hyphen in the name. And, as you may also know, us Mormons have a fairly strict diet code that calls for us to, among other things, eat meat sparingly, eat plenty of grains, not drink alcohol, coffee or non-herbal teas. Because of this, it is amusing to me to see the sorts of things that other members of my church become connoisseur's and aficionados of (and yes, I realize I just ended that sentence with a preposition). Here is a list of what my friends (and myself) tend to be connoisseurs of:

*Chocolate
*Cheese
*Meats
*Baked Goods
*Juices
*Sauces

Now the reason I am sticking to just food products is because the educated elite (upper middle-class, yuppie types) tend to view themselves as something far superior to the rest of the world because they can recite different champagne and wine labels and years and tell people whether it has an earthy or fruity taste. To further their snub of the rest of the world that spends more time trying to scrape enough money together in order to buy a bowl of rice to feed a family of twelve, they boast of their knowledge of exotic coffee beans and capuccino and latte combinations. So, of course, to keep up with the Joneses, the LDS community have become purveyors of the aforementioned goods. As it turns out, chocolate is grown all over the world, from Brazil to New Guinea to Aruba and refined in Switzerland, Germany, Belgium, England and the US. And of course, depending on where it is grown, it has certain flavors. Chocolate from New Guinea has a bittersweet fruity flavor, while chocolate from Brazil has a richer smoother flavor.

Now I'm not going to go too deep into all of the combinations, flavors and possibilities of all of these foods, but suffice it to say, the LDS community is not missing much without wine and coffee. For instance, with juices, with just mango alone there are more types than even apples. Some exotic fruits that you may not have heard of are acerola, acai, mangosteen, ciriguela, chibutchicaba. And all have a plethora of health benefits and taste selection to offer. I'll go into more detail about this in later posts, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Attention Spans

Well, I know that we all have tons of spare time on our hands to read inordinate amounts of posts, articles, blogs and the like all over the internet, but I decided I'd write a little blurb just to experiment with the attention span of any of my readers. That means I am making this post short so that you all can do those really important things like add ridiculous facebook applications like 'Knighthood' and 'What Beatles Song Describes Your Life Right Now.' Wait, maybe I'm the only one who does that. Do you want to know how pathetic that is(rhetorical, do not respond)? I think that daily I sift through hundreds of news articles, blog posts and facebook profiles a day. I think for sports stories I read anywhere from 10-15, for odd news stories probably 30 or so, and for the rest (politics, world news, celebrity gossip, etc.) I usually top the 100 mark. Now you might think "How does he have the time?" Well, it's easy when you have classes that so often bore you to tears and you take notes on a laptop. Not to say that I don't also take notes, but I've learned how to multi-task. In fact, my last post on this thing was done during my Political Science class on international terrorism. There is a blog to that here It's kinda lame and jargon filled, but it's interesting nonetheless. So anyway, let me know if this post was too long for you, and tell me how much news you tend to digest daily. Or just tell me how much you read, because I'm also reading another 5 books simultaneously and just finished 'The Kite Runner' by Khaled Hosseini, which I strongly recommend.

McCain, my reluctant choice.

I know many of you out there know I was anything but pleased to have McCain as the "presumptive" republican nominee, but I must now come out and say, I'm okay with it now. I was bothered by McCain's attempt to allow illegal immigrants to gain legal status while millions of others who were doing it the right way got shafted. I was bothered by the fact that he has constantly plagued American businesses, especially Pharmaceuticals with anti-big business legislation. Big business is what keeps America employed (despite its many drawbacks). I was bothered by the fact that he almost defected to the democratic party. I was bothered by the fact that he had no real world economic experience. I was bothered by the fact that he's a grumpy, weird old man.

However, I have now seen the light (this may have a lot to do with my options). Both Hillary and Obama want to bring socialized medicine to America. Obama has the "audacity of hope" to create 2 million new jobs in the public sector (hmmm...kinda like overtly bureaucratic poorly run nations like Russia and France). Hillary even made the comment that, "It's time for the government to fix the economy." I nearly spat out my gum. Since when does the government control the economy? Don't get me wrong, the government has certain controls over things like interest rates, trade embargoes and the like, but what controls the economy is big Joe down at the deli, consumer confidence, your investment portfolio and what color Kmart chooses to use to advertise its blue-light specials. On top of it all, both Obama and Hillary want an immediate pullout of troops in Iraq regardless of the situation on the ground. Let me get this straight. After we invaded the country, toppled its corrupt but stable regime and trudged around without a decent strategy against the growing insurgency leaving it in social and political anarchy, and finally got it right and are working to fix the mess WE caused, WE all of the sudden are going to leave. That's like me going over to my friends house, ransacking his pantry, then sweeping up part of the mess, peeing on the rest and running away. That's brilliant. That brings me to McCain.

McCain is a battle-tested, torture-endured military man. He knows what it takes to win a war. He knows what it takes to survive. He sees the big picture. He wants to see more political reconciliation in Iraq. He wants to see more work on rebuilding and creating new infrastructure. He wants to allow the Generals to have the full support of the government to do what they need to do in order to bring internal stability to a war-torn, secularly, religiously and ideologically divided nation. Many might think his support of the surge is for political expediency. Others may think his support is political suicide. To me his support shows he GETS the big picture. McCain knows we erred. Hindsight is so nice. But we cannot live in the past and undo what has already been done. We need to look forward and fix what we can and leave Iraq better than we came in.

On another note McCain admitted he was wrong on how he approached immigration. Good start. Hopefully he stays that way. McCain also is vehemently opposed to pork-barrel spending (all those little multi-million dollar earmarks that allow congressmen and senators to take home projects to their home states and districts with our federal tax money). This is good. We need a government that can run smoothly, effectively and transparently. We need to know where and how our money is spent. Furthermore, the correct way to slim the debt is not only through careful and well-regulated spending, but tax cuts. We should only pay what we have to, and nothing more. McCain was reluctant to call the Bush tax cuts a good idea, but now that he's latched on to them, he most likely won't be swayed back so easily (because he's a grouchy, stubborn, stick-to-his guns type of guy). For these reasons, and many others McCain has my vote. For those of you who think Obama is cute and has a nice voice, I can't really argue. Yes he's charismatic. However, he's also a socialist with staffers who worship leftist guerilla Che Guevarra. Not a good reason to vote for him. He's a political neophyte. McCain is old, wise and as stubborn as hell. I'd take that over a supple, 46-year-old shaven chest from Chicago's south side any day.

John McCain

I realize it has been a while, so my apologies to the two of you who occasionally read from my satirical ramblings. I have decided that for the next couple of days I am going to give a snapshot through my eyes of each of the Presidential candidates. My first will be of John McCain.

That gritty smile and dimpled cheek that hangs over his left side like Jay Leno's chin charms and captivates the elderly and few remaining veterans who support him. His little wink and that twinkle in his eye reminds me of Santa Claus crossed with Bob Newhart. Captain of the "straight-talk express" he toots the horn and talks about pork-barrel spending and how he loves the surge. He winces at such 'a' words as "amnesty," but he does so now, because he doesn't believe in it. Fining criminals and letting them roam the streets in front of millions of law abiding citizens who want to do the same isn't a free ride...it's the American way. We're all immigrants right? He makes everyone happy, including most independents and democrats, but the party he's running for doesn't seem to give a damn. Maybe it has something to do with his extra-marital affairs with Ted Kennedy and Joe Lieberman.

Friday

Friday, really is no different than any other day, but, and you knew a but was coming, it is the beginning of our pseudo-freedom from work, school or the monotony of the day-to-day. It's not so much that we all of the sudden become party animals with tons of cash to blow on anything we feel like, but when we finish the week and see two days in front that belong to us and no one else we get excited and relieved while in truth, nothing has really changed. We still have our jobs, our homework, our chores, but now we get to procrastinate them! But, as much as we say procrastination is a bad thing, I disagree. As long as we are doing something good with the time it's ok. I mean, we all prioritize. We'd rather chill with the crew than write a 50 page paper. Which memory will stay with you longer?

Stereotypes

Stereotypes are unavoidable. And, of course, fun. But they wouldn't be nearly as fun or funny if they weren't based on truth. Yeah, we always strive not to label people, but what would we do without blanket statements and blatantly non-PC social commentary? Some would say utopia. I would suggest hell. But if you like hell, maybe it's one and the same. For instance, if I couldn't make a general statement like, "People who live in Boston are stubborn massholes," or people in LA are "fake-baking, bling-loaded chumps," how else could we address their social backwardness while still eliciting a chuckle? The fact is, people who get labeled generally accept it and laugh along with it. It doesn't mean they'll change, and in fact might create some pride in their mocked lifestyles, but at least it's been addressed in a way that is more enjoyable than the painful truth.

Humor?

Well I've been less than regular on this blog. But, with school kicking into high-gear again I'm just trying to get adjusted. And, to be honest I don't even know if I really do have any regular readers for this little diatribe spot I do anyway. Clearly not all of my wanderings have been satirical, or even good writing. But, I hope in general I have kept those who read this entertained.

On that line of thought I wanted to write a little about what entertains people. Tastes in humor. For instance, here in Utah a lot of people are attracted to the cookies and gum drops kind of positivistic mush humor that you might find on 'Blue's Clues' or 'Sesame Street'. And, when I'm really tired, or with the right company I might even manage to wrangle up a muffled chuckle or giggle, but for the most part I just don't get it. I just would rather leave PBS and puppets for the kids. My humor, as you may have gathered, tends to be observational, practical and has plenty of sarcastic undertones. Some may think I'm bitter or cynical, but my view is that if you can't laugh at yourself and the silly stuff that happens all around you from minute to minute, you're just not gonna last that long. I'm an optimist, but I don't think we need to put tutus on cats or talk like we're five year olds to get by. What is needed, is a vision. A vision of today, tomorrow and what could be. Always looking out beyond the next hill, bend or banana peel. And, if there's still some banana left in it, then all the better.

The Good Life

Have you ever found yourself ridiculously early to some engagement? Or perhaps arrived several days to a week before a convention, summer camp, or college? If you answered yes, you then are probably familiar with how absolutely easy it is to get things done and entertain yourself. Oh, and of course, when all you have is Jesus-style transportation (sandals) it becomes all the more fun. Just think about how easy it is to get a job and talk to people who might lead you in the right direction when they're not around. Oh, and if that weren't enough to get you excited, imagine that your belongings are divided between a garage attic and your friend's pink frumpy dump of a house with no AC, and you have to wait while they "clean" out your new rental unit. Then, when you call people they don't answer their phones. You see, that's what makes for efficiency. Never a dull moment.

Driving in Utah

Driving is fun. Especially in Utah. People courteously slow down before hills, curves, and slam on their brakes a full 1/2 mile ahead of time if they see anything even remotely resembling the redness of a brake light in front of them. They merrily barrell into on-coming traffic with a comfy, affable wave, and they generally like to wait for those turning left when they are crossing an intersection. It just makes me so giddy to see them all do it with smiles on their faces, cute little poof hair-dos that look like hampster nests, and enough makeup to put Queen Elizabeth I to shame. I mean, I've seen such behavior on both coasts, but middle America seems to do it naturally, with no ulterior motives. On the east, they're in a big hurry, on the west, they just like to see how fast they can go, but here, in precious Utah they just have this amazing, innate driving ability. Where I am from, we hone and cultivate our quirky driving. I guess I'm just jealous.

Bouldering at Twin Lakes

How many times in your life have you been out-witted by a rock? If it's more than one you might suffer from serious mental issues. Or, you could be me (which is not really a distinction). As I live the high life here in the Sierra Nevadas at my family's cabin we have good times doing crazy things. One such thing was bouldering.

This morning. It looked like an easy enough rock, covered in a sweet and supple layer of lichen and with a few decent grips. My brothers and I had brought a camera, music and a crash pad along with chalk and shoes. My brother Freddy* was the first to try. After the rock ripped up his hands, and the crash pad was covered with lichen and iron wood twigs, he conquered the granite beast. However, I was not so successful. After chalking up and scrambling for grips, yelling things at the rock and surrounding vicinity that would not be appropriate for children under 17, I left in disgust and anguish. I was outsmarted by a rock.


*Name changed