Gum you can eat

At least one time in your life you got it in your hair. Or, perhaps you swallowed it. Or, maybe you stepped on it, felt it under a desk, or even more commonly chewed it. 

Some people love it. To other people it is the bane of their existence. The biggest causer of their least favorite pet peeve. It is gum. It comes in more flavors than I actually have seen in real food. There's mint mojito, sangria, pineapple-melon, peppermint, cinastick, grape, strawberry-banana, sweet mint, and the classic bazooka joe bubble gum flavor. 

For many people it quenches a need. It staves off hunger, and makes your breath smell better than rotten garbage morning breath. And, for those same people, while they chew it, they might imagine that they're actually eating. And, perhaps in their mind they wish they could eat that delicious bubble gum. Well, now they can.

There is bubble gum yogurt and sandwich spread. No longer is it taboo to swallow gum. That's what this stuff is made for. It's even packed with vitamins and stuff so not only does it not have a negative effect like ordinary gum might have, but it in fact has a positive one. It's like the new peanut butter really. Soon it'll be used in brownies, and no doubt pies, cakes, cookies, and every other kind of delicacy. You might find it in your turkey this Thanksgiving, or you might find your filet mignon marinated in it. Mmmm. I bet that makes your mouth water. 

But, what happens to regular gum? Now that you can do what you always wanted to do - eat and swallow your gum - does gum have value anymore? Will you still feel satisfied chewing it? Will you mix things up and forget that not all gum is food? Will you boycott real gum? Is real gum really real? What makes a gum a gum? The very ontology of gum comes into question. It's a debacle.

It will most likely start an epidemic. People will be writhing in the streets extending their hands to the heavens for mercy, all the while choking on gum. People who chew with their mouths open will do so at their own peril. The homeless and those looking for a meal might start some more invasive procedures to fill their belly. Gum snatching could be considered a new crime. People who run out of money after paying their rent might just wait under park benches or movie theater seats.

Are we ready for gum yogurt? Are we ready for gum spread? Perhaps not.

Eric Clapton Loses Rock Tourney to Fourth Grader

They are springing up all over. 

They came with the advent of a clever video game called 'Guitar Hero,' and later exploded with the game 'Rock Band.' What I speak of, are tournaments. Only a short decade ago the only thing one could enter into was an air guitar concert, but now, we can have massive Rock Band and Guitar Hero tournaments with lights, sounds, buttons and a living room full of people who could never play a real instrument if their life depended on it. 

Guitar Hero came complete with a plastic guitar, buttons and a seemingly endless sequence of patterns that showed up on the TV screen when an Alice in Chains song was selected from the library of rock hits. Then, Rock Band upped the ante with multiple plastic guitars, drums, vocals, and all your other essentials for a completely virtual and synthesized band. 

So, it is in this new environment that the likes of Eric Clapton are left to compete. Over the weekend in Devonshire, England, Clapton signed up with some of his old buddies from Cream to play in a Rock Band concert. The concert was sponsored by Little Winky's Videogame Megastore (a place where all people who lack real world skill can go to pretend they do). 

First they went up against a 4th grader named Martin and his buddies from Rudyard Elementary. The first song up was "Sunshine of Your Love," and it promised to be in the bag for Clapton and his old band, having written it in 1968. However, it turned out that time away from playing together, and anything remotely approaching video game literacy allowed Martin and the Rudyard Elementary students to dominate the legend.

"I was really impressed by those kids. I think they have a bright future ahead of them in the rock business. That drummer they had was pretty kick ---. Ginger Baker was pretty jealous of him. That's all I'm going to say," said Clapton.

When asked how they felt to beat a rock legend Martin replied for himself and his bandmates:

"He looked pretty old. When he put those pills in his mouth and started spinning around the room I thought he was gonna croak. He didn't even hold onto the guitar right."

Second on the list was a group of soccer moms, one of which claimed to be Martin's mother. Slightly embarrassed, Martin slinked over to the corner of the room and claimed not to know her. Still primed and ready to roll, Clapton and the rest of Cream were ready for the next challenge. The next song seemed to be just as promising as the first. It was another Cream song as luck would have it: "I Feel Free."

Clapton was ready this time. During the break between battles he had attached some rubber bands to his Rock Band guitar so that he had something that resembled more of a guitar than a children's toy. Baker had grabbed an empty box to serve as his bass drum, and Jack Bruce taped a real mic to the video game one. However, the results were the same. Although the music sounded a little better, the soccer moms came off looking like Rock Goddesses.

"D--- man, I thought I saw a halo around at least 2 of 'em. That lady has pipes. I can see why her son's football team is undefeated," said Bruce.

Martin's Mom responded:  

"It was fun. I'm glad to put Martin in his place. I told him if we beat his band he has to paint my toes and go to bed every night at 7pm."

In the end, Martin prevailed over his mother and Clapton and his mates went to a local pub for a nightcap. Neither had changed. And we can thank God for that.

Sunday Delight

Well, today has been an interesting Sunday. I was awakened early by the unfortunate effects of eating too many chicken wings the night before. However, looking on the bright side, I was reacquainted with an old friend: the porcelain throne. After an agonizing morning from 7-10am, and having gone to bed only shortly after 2am the previous night, I crawled into bed for a little while to get at least some beauty rest.

It was short-lived. I couldn't get any rest, and what I did get went by too quickly.

I decided to just spring out of bed and embrace the day. I went to my computer and it wouldn't turn on. At all. I tried everything, short of voodoo incantation (As luck would have it, that worked later). So I wasn't able to write a blog post until only a short while ago. And now, I'm beginning to think the quality of this blog post is a bit lacking. I apologize. I was going to write about how Eric Clapton lost a 'Rock Band' competition recently, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

For your enjoyment here's a clip from Kids In the Hall.

The Humanity of a Baboon

Baboons.

We rarely think of them, and when we do it is in a trifle and demeaning way. If our friend or sibling does something untoward or infantile, we might call him or her a baboon. Well, perhaps no longer.

A new study from San Diego State University claims that baboons have more humanity than we give them credit for. In fact, they might even be more human than we are ourselves. Head researcher for SDSU Dr. Julie Hammond said:

"I know as humans we generally find staring rude, but baboons have taken it to another level. If you stare at a baboon it is seen as a threat. He'll kill you. Perhaps that sounds draconian, but baboons seem to be more socially conscious and polite because of it."

The main baboon in the study goes by the name of Rupert. And, just to mess with him, this reporter stared at him from behind. After about 15 seconds Rupert lashed out and began banging ruthlessly on the cage.

"Rupert is a special baboon. He has a sixth sense when it comes to people staring at him. He can tell from a mile away. He can even tell if some inanimate object is staring at him. Why, just last week he put the smack down on his stuffed teddy bear," said Dr. Hammond.

When I asked Julie why Rupert is alone in a cage by himself she said:

"Rupert is a little beyond the curve for baboons when it comes to reinforcing social norms. He's so human-like in that respect."

When I pushed her further she said:

"He got a funny look from his grandmother. We called her Miss Loulou. He ate her alive and then urinated on her dead body."

That being said, I thanked Dr. Hammond and decided not to stare at Rupert again. But, to show that there was no hard feelings, I left him a banana. Rupert shrieked at me.

"Oh, he's allergic to bananas. And he got into a fight with one last week," said Dr. Hammond.

Word Association

It's time for a little word association (an association of words founded upon the precept of word association):

sack - ajawea

rabbit - stew

melon - cholera

burnt - toast

hot - rod

Gandolf - stupid

Orson - pig

gumption - shut up

fickle - women

freckle - Irish

Amsterdam - weed

Kramer - rickshaw 

Nessie - friend

Montana - rugged

cramped - style

crypt - blood

David - gnome

indian - naked

smelt - dealt

egg - chicken 

satchel - paige

snow capped - candy

bubble - butt

special - needs

text - message

Ginasio - Encarnacion

That was fun. Now your turn:

grapes - 

Marfans - 

turgid - 

unkempt - 

jello - 

paradise - 

Mellencamp - 

ornery - 

old - 

fluffy - 

muggle - 

heckle - 

Possible answers: of wrath, syndrome, war, hair, mold, city, cholera, turtle, hag, bunny, hairy, lumps

For more fun watch this video.

Man with Metal Detector Finds Atlantis

You've seen those commercials for them on TV. 

An old man plods along a pristine beach at sunset with headphones on and a metal detector on the ground. He waves it over a choice piece of sand, and voila! The camera pans to a close-up of his hand holding a gold deblume. Then it is followed by a bunch of interviews of lucky metal detector owners who against all odds actually found something. And all you have to pay is 6 easy installments of $19.95! Could life get any better?

Well, just this morning, Chester Dodgyfield from Virginia Beach made a great discovery with his trusty metal detector (he calls her Susan). He found the lost city of Atlantis. 

"Me and Suzy just went for a stroll on the beach, and all of the sudden she just wouldn't shut up. She was all beep this and beep that. So, I bent down, testing my arthritic back and started scraping away sand. After only about two handfuls I saw this thing that looked like a metal pumpkin. Well, I had to call Cheryl."

Cheryl is Mr. Dodgyfield's pet dog.

"So I call and I said to her, 'WE FOUND IT!' She said, "Found what?" And I repeated, 'WE FOUND IT!' This went on for quite some time, and people starting staring at me as I was barking into the phone...So anyway, I went to my neighbors house to borrow his backhoe."

After the first few hours, the beach was full of spectators. Local residents came out from coffee shops. Even some of the re-enactment actors from Colonial Williamsburg came by in carriages. It turned out that Mr. Dodgyfield's pumpkin was a portico on the top of what archaeologists later presumed to be a Temple. 

"We got a call that some kook and his dog had found an artifact on the beach. I assumed it was a revolutionary era piece. Turns out we were wrong. We've never found the lost colony of Roanoke, but who could've guessed that we'd find Atlantis so close. If I weren't so excited right now, I might have more time to value the irony," said Harvey Moons, head researcher at the Duke University School of Archaeology.

Mr. Dodgyfield has been thwarted by local government officials from claiming his new prize. He submitted his claim under the notorious "Finders Keepers Rule" which up until now was unchallenged. Asked what he would do with Atlantis if the courts ruled in his favor he said, "I'd probably turn it into an amusement park. I think I'd be pretty competitive with Busch Gardens and that other resort in the Bahamas called Atlantis, because I got the real thing." 

He sure does.

We lose a dear friend: The Jaws' Shark

Tragedy has struck the people of Martha's Vineyard this afternoon as their beloved Great White shark, of the Jaws movie series fame, met his unfortunate demise. It was hardest for those who knew him best.

Richard Dreyfuss and Roy Schneider, who played alongside one another and worked with the shark in the blockbuster movies called the Mayor of the island with their condolences. 

The beautiful animal was found floating on his side just a mile from Aquinnah public beach. After an autopsy and inquiry was done it was discovered that he had choked on a baby seal. 

"Those baby seals seem to invade the water this time of year. They're a real health risk if you ask me. I'm hoping the town enacts a law to legalize more [seal] clubbing," said Joe Sharpipo of Fuller Street. 

It seems the seals are attracted to the island because of its plentiful fisheries and nice beaches. Some neighbors have complained that the seals have woken them up with their barking early in the morning. Others have claimed that their cars have been vandalized with seaweed.

"They're more than a nuisance. They've become a plague. And now this. This is the last straw. They killed our shark. Those seals have no shame," says Margaret Hosenbothom.

As Martha's Vineyard mourns, the firestorm the seals have caused has led to high tensions among the town's folk. Just this morning, a man who advertises for a water park in nearby Buzzard's Bay wearing a seal costume, was repeatedly assaulted by billy clubs and shillelaghs. The perpetrators have not been apprehended, but were reportedly screaming unintelligible gaelic swears and wore seal scalp necklaces. 

Here's a tribute.

What is your perspective?

How important is perspective? How important is attitude? Can one overcome the other? Are they the same?

I would insist that we all have different perspectives on life, politics, religion, sports, family, banana cream pie, teatherball, compost piles, milk jugs, and Marfan's syndrome. We develop our perspectives from within and without. We can only partially affect them. We don't choose what we see, or even always in what light we see it, but our attitude can spin it for us, and even change reality as we know it. Here are a few good examples to frustrate you:

Is it a cube? Is it a box? Are you a cube? A box? Or a square? 

The answer is yes.

On which set of stairs do you find yourself? Do you even take the stairs? Did you know that going up stairs is better on your knees than going down? Are you bald with no face like Escher's people in this drawing?

Are you looking at the painting? Or is the painting looking at you? Or are you looking at a painting of someone looking at a painting that is also looking at him, and possibly you? Do you prefer nyquil or codine?

Think about it. Just like the Flight of the Conchords prescribe.

All she wanted was lemonade

Her name was Carol. She was just like any of us. She woke up every morning and put one pant leg on at a time, and ate a lackluster breakfast. She would sing in the shower. She loved sipping hot chocolate on a cold winter day. And, she loved a cool, refreshing glass of lemonade on those hot summer days.

It was this love for lemonade that did her in. 

It was mid July. Carol had gone out to her garden to do some weeding. After vigorously arguing her case with a rather stubborn dandelion and losing, she came back inside, her brow dotted with large beads of sweat. As she entered the house she thought to herself, "It sure would be nice to have a glass of lemonade." So, she went to the kitchen. On the counter was a glass of opaque liquid with what looked to be lemonade pulp at the bottom. Parched and worn, she reached for it and glugged it down. It was perhaps the strangest lemonade she had ever had. The pulp seemed to have a life of its own. 

Everything became clearer as her nephew Tommy came in from another room and screamed, "MY SEA MONKEYS! YOU KILLED MY SEA MONKEYS!" As little Tommy began bawling, Carol had the sudden urge to vomit.

But, swallowing sea monkeys* and upsetting her nephew was not all she had done. She also incurred the wrath of PETA. After Carol's story was made headline news, due to her lawsuit suing the sea monkey company for her horrible new chronic abdominal troubles, PETA wanted in. 

"Those sea monkeys were kept in a cramped, poorly oxygenated glass for days, and it was only a matter of time before someone drank them or they boiled in the a cloud of their own excrement," said Suzanne Zibilsky of PETA. "We will pursue this case to the fullest extent we can. Sea monkeys are just like you and me. They can feel, and taste, and even know how to swim. Yet, they have become second class life forms. We value all life." Carol and Tommy have both received court summons on behalf of the sea monkeys' remaining living relatives in conjunction with PETA.

People have been protesting for the past several months on Carol's lawn, even going so far as to trample her garden. Looking at the bright side Carol said, "Well, at least I don't have to pull out that dandelion. It's dead. Probably in the same place as those blessed sea monkeys."

* Sea monkeys are brine shrimp (very intelligent Brine Shrimp, that are basically aquatic Tamarin monkeys (the cute ones that help old people read books, and the same kind featured on the TV series "Friends")

Sasquatch runs for Mayor!

Even as everyone doubted him, he came out to support democracy.

Sasquatch. 

He is now running as mayor of backwoods town in Montana. The residents are a commune of hermits. Yes, I know it sounds oxymoronic, but they all live alone in their respective caves, trees, underground burrows, or abandoned mine shafts and they only know of each other's existence by passenger pigeon. And, only discovered Sasquatch's existence after several of their passenger pigeons did not return. Having eaten several pigeons and leaving hairballs in front of the homes of the local hermits, he was lauded. Almost every hermit was pleased with the Sasquatch's efforts to make them more fundamentalist. They felt their pigeon communication was making them less of the true hermits they believe themselves to be. 

His campaign has been completely funded and run by a man who goes by the name Samuel "Guffnupper" Harrison. No one in the community knows who Guffnupper is, but they appreciate his efforts. "Sasquatch don't speak anglesh, and don't like people en pigeons en stuff en he don't care  if he wins, so he's the right guy fir the job." so says Guffnupper. The campaign's main tenets are apathy, reclusiveness, and hairiness, all of which are undeniably qualities that Sasquatch possesses as do his constituents.

Sasquatch's recent endorsement videos:

Cold One

Flaming Bag

Warm water

Shaving Cream

RC plane