The Natural Man

You would think that giving in to the 'Natural Man' would be allowing oneself to be beholden by some sort of absolutely repulsive animalistic carnality. And, perhaps, to a point, you are right. However, the natural man has his moments. When the natural man for example, is confronted by a horrible injustice or belligerent person they lash out with wrath, ferocity and powerful vengeance.

This is the most rudimentary form of justice: Revenge. However, it is not a methodical, deliberate, evil act, but an eye for an eye, damages for damages approach. And, despite what some may think, it is deliciously satisfying in the immediate, and perhaps long-term (it obviously depends on the case and the approach).

Another thing the natural man is good at is eating. However, the more appropriate word might be devouring. A natural man has an unquenchable appetite for flesh. He is a voracious, carnivorous fiend. There is no satiating his quest to gorge all in his path, be it cow, truck, dog, raw steel, boulders or reams and reams of carpet. However, he generally tends to eat the more edible things.

The natural man also is amazingly good at athletics. He can beat cheetahs, superman, smurfs and gummi bears at their best events. He can swim for days, fight for hours, and do bicycle kicks consecutively for weeks on end. He is a beast. Similar to the Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho Gaucho or the French climber: Spiderman (who free hands the world's tallest buildings).

Let's give the natural man some credit, and maybe, from time to time, let him come out to play.

The Manly Man

What happened to the manly man? Did he die off or disappear? Did the heir to his throne become a cross-dressing, hairstyling, shoe horse? It is beginning to look that way. But whether it be a look at what was, or a glimpse into the endangered lives of the rugged few who still proclaim themselves such, we shall define what is a manly man.

A manly man is a rough rider. No, not one of those rolled up pant leg, lunch lady hair net on their head, driving out in an imported Japanese car with shiny wheels and a subwoofer as big as a Cooper Mini – rather the kind that rode out on horseback with Teddy Roosevelt in Cuba to show the Carribean why the west was won – with a six shooter and a mouth full of tabbacy.

A manly man is the king of his domain, his throne is in the bathroom. If his byproducts are not huge and smelly, he’s a wuss, a pretender…even a metro. The bathroom is his sanctuary, and as such he should have plenty of good reading material that deals with what really matters in life, not Ladies Home Journal or a cook book.

A manly man is a man so composed and controlled he can keep his poker face all day long, or stare at the crack on a wall for days at a time without flinching. If the world is falling down outside around him, he can stay still and finish his meal and turn around and give it the old lazy eye and scare it back to normal when he feels like it.

A manly man eats meat. If there were no more lettuce or green vegetables in the world, he would make a salad out of meat slices and barbeque sauce. Meat to the manly man is like oxygen to the normal man.

A manly man does not need a lot of words. Sometimes a nod, a pat or a grunt suffice. Oftentimes these simple gestures are much deeper and more meaningful than words themselves. The manly man language is mocked and is usually indiscernible to women, but if there weren’t Navajo code talkers in World War II, those pansy Japanese still would have had their hands full.

A manly man gives his coat to a lady. The obvious reason is because he’s a warm hairy beast and would overheat if he kept it. A manly man’s hands are so warm he can heat up a hot pocket without a microwave, or pop the last few kernels of popcorn left in the bowl after a movie, instead of getting up and popping more.

A manly man’s fruit roll up is a piece of leather, and his trail mix is sand and gravel. When he tells you his chili is hot, you shouldn’t be able to feel your tongue for a week afterwards.