Whales and Manatees: 'Protective layer of Blubber' a Cop Out

There are many creatures in the animal kingdom who have been given a free pass for far too long. Creative wording has hidden the truth and kept many of them in unhealthy conditions. Quite often, when referring to manatees, whales, and even hippos, scientists have used the phrase "layer of protective blubber." Well, it's time to stop the sugar coating and enabling. Quite simply, these animals are fat.

For years now Europeans and Americans have been concerned about obesity among its citizenry, but they have forgotten about their even heavier mammal neighbors. The most poorly treated has been the manatee. Slow, docile, and for all intents and purposes, a stupid aquatic cow, the manatee as a species has taken several hits. Some quite literally (from speedboats), but some more indirectly by scientists who insidiously refer to their slowness and weight problem as "natural". 

Manatee activist Charles Bruthaumer, visibly upset said, "They are being hit by speed boats, and we are supposed to not help them lose weight and become faster? Where is the Richard Simmons of the sea world? Why don't they get Jenny Craig diet plans? Where are their banana nut smoothies?"

The problem has reached pandemic proportions, with 100% of the manatee population affected by obesity. And, unfortunately most whale species, from the western Pacific to the Atlantic are suffering from the politically correct and severely enabling diagnosis of a "healthy layer of blubber."

"It saddens me. So many activists say 'Save the whales' and 'We care about sea life' but then turn a blind eye to this obesity problem," said Dr. Zhivago of the Aquatic Obesity Institute in eastern Russia.

But, while some nations do not even know there is a problem, others have been trying to fix the problem for years now. As it turns out, Japanese whale hunting fleets have not been merely killing whales for their meat, but in fact have developed an effective program that captures whales and gives them state of the art marine mammal liposuction. Dr. Kurimaku, lead plastic surgeon for operation "Thin Whale" had this to say:

"Everybody gets so mad at my country for whale fishing. If only the government would let us tell the world what we are doing. We aren't killing the whales. We are saving them."

If only more nations of the world could be as proactive as the Japanese. Unfortunately the future looks grim for most aquatic mammals. The rate of diabetes and number of cases of heart diseases for whales and manatees has sky-rocketed in the past 5 years. Most dolphins, the trim and healthy of the aquatic mammal world, don't seem to mind. Former star of the '60s TV show 'Flipper', had this to say:

"Those stupid whales and manatees just need to stop feeding on krill and seaweed all day and get some exercise. They could take up surfing, or water acrobatics. I hear that the killer whales have even developed treadmills on some of the northern ice flows. The fat ones just need to reclaim their lives. It's doable. Just look at me."

Dolphins Declare War on US!

It was only a matter of time. After years of oppression at Sea World, on movies, on TV shows the world's dolphins have finally reached the breaking point. At 8:30am EST today the world's dolphin population declared war on the United States, and specifically any current and former employees of Sea World or Flipper, the 60s TV show. While such a move has been anticipated for years among naval experts at Annapolis, it always seemed like it would always be put off for another day if the dolphins were placated with enough free fish. However, as expected, the world's manatees and dugongs have remained neutral. 

The official declaration of war was sent in morse code to a nuclear submarine off the coast of California. The most up to date translation currently available says:

"Former human masters, today is the last day of your aquatic dominance. We will no longer protect you from sea mines, or save your dumb surfers from sharks. We will no longer jump through flaming hoops or balance balls on our noses. Save that for the seals. Today we declare all out war on the United States, and don't expect the manatees to help you... "

After the main message, some unintended dialogue seemed to come through as well:

"I know Phil, but I'm still upset about that halibut, it wasn't fresh. Don't tell me I'm being rash... those balls were the generic Walmart brand kind. It popped on my face. It was humiliating."

Fisherman from Nova Scotia to the Florida Keys have spotted dolphins giving them 'the fin' which is apparently equivalent to a human giving another human "the bird". Also, on several boats with glass bottoms in the Caribbean, dolphins have been spotted blocking the view of passengers and sticking barnacles and squid guts to the glass.

Dr. Salonkey, a dolphin expert at the University of Miami explained their behavior:

"Dolphins are usually quite playful, but can also have a mean streak. Fortunately for us, I don't think dolphins really know what war means. The worst they might do is shove you off your surfboard or steal a scuba diver's flipper. And, I can empathize with them. I hate balancing balls on my nose, but my kids tell me to do it all the time."

The US response has been swift. The Defense Department has advised all Sea World employees stay away from the beach, and take two weeks off of work. The US Navy has formed a blockade with aircraft carriers off the coast of San Diego and off the coast of Norfolk in preparation for the dolphin onslaught. In a skirmish at 10:00am EST near Ocean City Maryland, a coast guard station lost two rubber dinghies and several cones. 

Some experts say this will be a quick war while others are bracing themselves for a long drawn out struggle. Only time will tell.