Whales and Manatees: 'Protective layer of Blubber' a Cop Out

There are many creatures in the animal kingdom who have been given a free pass for far too long. Creative wording has hidden the truth and kept many of them in unhealthy conditions. Quite often, when referring to manatees, whales, and even hippos, scientists have used the phrase "layer of protective blubber." Well, it's time to stop the sugar coating and enabling. Quite simply, these animals are fat.

For years now Europeans and Americans have been concerned about obesity among its citizenry, but they have forgotten about their even heavier mammal neighbors. The most poorly treated has been the manatee. Slow, docile, and for all intents and purposes, a stupid aquatic cow, the manatee as a species has taken several hits. Some quite literally (from speedboats), but some more indirectly by scientists who insidiously refer to their slowness and weight problem as "natural". 

Manatee activist Charles Bruthaumer, visibly upset said, "They are being hit by speed boats, and we are supposed to not help them lose weight and become faster? Where is the Richard Simmons of the sea world? Why don't they get Jenny Craig diet plans? Where are their banana nut smoothies?"

The problem has reached pandemic proportions, with 100% of the manatee population affected by obesity. And, unfortunately most whale species, from the western Pacific to the Atlantic are suffering from the politically correct and severely enabling diagnosis of a "healthy layer of blubber."

"It saddens me. So many activists say 'Save the whales' and 'We care about sea life' but then turn a blind eye to this obesity problem," said Dr. Zhivago of the Aquatic Obesity Institute in eastern Russia.

But, while some nations do not even know there is a problem, others have been trying to fix the problem for years now. As it turns out, Japanese whale hunting fleets have not been merely killing whales for their meat, but in fact have developed an effective program that captures whales and gives them state of the art marine mammal liposuction. Dr. Kurimaku, lead plastic surgeon for operation "Thin Whale" had this to say:

"Everybody gets so mad at my country for whale fishing. If only the government would let us tell the world what we are doing. We aren't killing the whales. We are saving them."

If only more nations of the world could be as proactive as the Japanese. Unfortunately the future looks grim for most aquatic mammals. The rate of diabetes and number of cases of heart diseases for whales and manatees has sky-rocketed in the past 5 years. Most dolphins, the trim and healthy of the aquatic mammal world, don't seem to mind. Former star of the '60s TV show 'Flipper', had this to say:

"Those stupid whales and manatees just need to stop feeding on krill and seaweed all day and get some exercise. They could take up surfing, or water acrobatics. I hear that the killer whales have even developed treadmills on some of the northern ice flows. The fat ones just need to reclaim their lives. It's doable. Just look at me."

Twin Lakes Escape

Right now I am sitting in a car parked next to a motel in Bridgeport, California called the "Silver Maple." You might wonder why. You also might not care. But allow me to explain. Bridgeport is the little town that is seven miles from my family's cabin in Twin Lakes, California. There is no cell coverage or internet at my cabin. Therefore to get online and check my voicemail, I have to go into Bridgeport. And, having done this before, I know I can tap into the wi-fi at the Silver Maple for free. It's not the best, but it works.


Now let me tell you why I love this place. My family has owned the cabin at Twin Lakes since the 1940s. It was built on national forest land so we send lease payments to the government every year (not always so sweet). However, because we are on government land there isn't the rampant commercialism that comes with private residences. There are no obtrusive satellite dishes, no sickly pimped out SUVs, and there are lots of trees and privacy. You also won't find any exotic colors and nasty lawn gnomes. It's just a group of subtle cabins that grace the lake shore. Now cap that with kayaks, a little motor boat, plenty of fishing poles, cozy rooms, a great porch, and big windows and you have a paradisiacal escape. All around the place are things to do or not to do. You could, for example, go hiking around the lake and mountains and head over in Yosemite, go fly fishing in the Walker river, go trolling in the lake, go off-roading, horseback riding, shooting, go to the hot springs, visit Mono Lake, go to Bridgeport, or you could visit America's best preserved ghost town, Bodie. Or, of course you could just sun yourself on the porch and read a book. It is a sweet refuge from the hectic world outside the Sierra Nevada mountain range. And, I invite any of you to come and experience it for yourself.