Indian Curry: A Cautionary Tale

Indian food is delicious. There is no denying that. They use so many colors, spices, types of fruits, meats, vegetables, and breads it makes every bite a unique sensation. However, there are drawbacks. Indian curry, when put in highly concentrated quantities often is something that should be admired from a distance rather than consumed.

Yes, I speak from experience. Indian curry is great. I love it. But it doesn't always show me the same good will and affection. Lamb Vindaloo sounds innocuous enough, but it fooled me. Teary eyes and regular visits to my friend lou are common if the curry is particularly strong and concentrated, and if I was manly enough (read dumb enough) to eat it all. 

So, I guess this is a warning. Maybe not just against curry, but against many foods you may love, but may not love you in return. Love's not always a two way street. Especially with curry.

National Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day

Activists for the proposed senate bill that calls for a new national holiday mandating the shaving of mustaches were met with very pleasing news today. Tom Selleck, the only man on the planet who actually can, quote "pull off a cool looking stache" agreed to be the spokesman at a formal protest on Capitol Hill. Selleck is believed to share the sentiment of those who are for the bill, that most men look like complete idiots with mustaches.

The bill itself will create a move where barbers are required to give free shavings in an effort to clean up the faces of America's would be hypster youth. The title of the holiday, while indeed a bit long, would be: "National Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day." But couldn't you imagine the cheer that would spread though the country when people pat each other on the back and look into a face clear of any psychological connection between stereotyped child molesters, then to say "Hey, Happy Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day! Now see isn't life better!"

The Manly Man vs. The Goober

There are many different kinds of men in this world. There are manly men, nerds, geeks, and goobers to name a few. Of course there is a lot of cross over at times, but they can, and are quite often distinct. This post will talk about the sharp distinctions between the goober and the manly man, and how unwittingly woman are beguiled by the former.

A goober as I referred to in a prior post, "is a person who is socially inept, awkward, goofy, or strange. A goober is born this way and cannot be changed. While what they do and how they interact with people may be funny, it is rarely their intention to be funny. They make themselves the butt of jokes not by choice, but by just being themselves."

A manly man, as I referred to in this post, is far deeper and complete. He is full of confidence and poise. He is patient and understands the concepts of justice and sacrifice. He is not a mere technician who settles for a piece when he can have the whole. A manly man is an alpha-male.

The goober may be nice, and even have some special hidden talent with which he woos women, and for a time, that may be all he needs. Let's say he can play the guitar. But, beyond that guitar is nothingness. He may have memorized how to cook one meal from a foreign country even, but beyond that all he's got are stupid human tricks. Now, as nice as super human tricks are ladies, if you are confronted with a bear, a robber, or a gang of would be rapists, which would you prefer:

a) A man who can cross his eyes, rub his belly, and whistle yankee doodle - or -

b) A man who can break bad guys necks with the snap of his finger?

I won't answer that. I think you know the answer.

Now let's take a look at the profundity of the manly man.

A manly man knows when to be charming and articulate, and when to be quiet and deadly. He can talk about philosophy and love, and turn around and stare down a rabid wolf. He is self-assured, and deep. He can in fact say more without words than a goober can stuttering off hours of inane platitudes. He does not satisfy himself with superficial tricks, but learns instead to plumb the depths of his talents and inner-most self. He might for instance play a more obscure, but more beautiful instrument than the guitar, like perhaps the piano, or the violin. And, when he plays, his soul sings through the music.

In other words, this difference of depth between the goober and the manly man comes down to confidence. The manly man understands his innate self-worth and does not seek public praise or approval to validate himself. The goober on the other hand, doubts himself. He does not know who he is or where he is going.

However, initially it is easy to be fooled. Superficial charm and calculated witticisms can look an awful lot like the real thing. So, perhaps some of you entertain the prospect of the goober, because he could be a manly man if you give it time. No. A manly man is subtle and nuanced in his approach to romance. He is not over the top because he doesn't need to be. He doesn't need to shake his plumage to announce himself, because it is in plain sight. That's who he is.

Perhaps some of your have gone out with a goober and then come to the realization later, and wished you hadn't. Perhaps you are satisfied with goobers. I can't say. But, as they say, patience is a virtue, and it is one virtue that the goober does not have. The manly man on the other hand lives his life by that virtue. He understands what's important in life. He can wait, but will you?

For more interesting information check out this article.

Sasquatch runs for Mayor!

Even as everyone doubted him, he came out to support democracy.

Sasquatch. 

He is now running as mayor of backwoods town in Montana. The residents are a commune of hermits. Yes, I know it sounds oxymoronic, but they all live alone in their respective caves, trees, underground burrows, or abandoned mine shafts and they only know of each other's existence by passenger pigeon. And, only discovered Sasquatch's existence after several of their passenger pigeons did not return. Having eaten several pigeons and leaving hairballs in front of the homes of the local hermits, he was lauded. Almost every hermit was pleased with the Sasquatch's efforts to make them more fundamentalist. They felt their pigeon communication was making them less of the true hermits they believe themselves to be. 

His campaign has been completely funded and run by a man who goes by the name Samuel "Guffnupper" Harrison. No one in the community knows who Guffnupper is, but they appreciate his efforts. "Sasquatch don't speak anglesh, and don't like people en pigeons en stuff en he don't care  if he wins, so he's the right guy fir the job." so says Guffnupper. The campaign's main tenets are apathy, reclusiveness, and hairiness, all of which are undeniably qualities that Sasquatch possesses as do his constituents.

Sasquatch's recent endorsement videos:

Cold One

Flaming Bag

Warm water

Shaving Cream

RC plane

Upset at Presidential Campaigns and plugging myself.

This Presidential election season has not inspired me. I suppose it's not obligated to do so, but I would even go so far as to say I am beyond fatigued at this point, and indeed disappointed. The methods employed by both campaigns were shoddy and only they only feigned accountability and decency from time to time. The press pretty much shot itself in the foot with its fiendish diagnosis of one side, while almost entirely ignoring anything even remotely detrimental from the other. I believe in tough journalism, but it needs to be equally tough and effacing for both parties. Our press has become so sensationalized and subjective it has caused an uproar among its own. 

Here's a great article on it from ABC news columnist Michael S. Malone.

That being said, I will be glad on November 5th. I will be able to write about other things. I will be able to write about defiant garbage collectors, toothpaste, writer's block, provo dating scenes, manly men, global cooling, cranberries, eco-cars, wo-men, girlfriends, new housing market options, potatoes, the Chinese, taking naps, etc., etc., etc.

Yes, I just plugged my own blog. And, I'm patting myself on the back now. Thank you. 

Gladiator!!!

Tonight at 10:30pm my brother and I are holding gladiatorial games at our house. I have thus far put 2 benches, 4 chairs, and a tent on the roof for viewing of the 'arena.' It should be a very exciting and abusive event. We will have 2 on 2 battles, the individual tournament and chariot races. And, as my brother is going back to Mexico and Haiti to make more documentaries for humanitarian projects, people are asked to bring a little contribution if possible to help the people of those regions. Proceeds will go to covering some of my brothers limited expenses and anything beyond that feeds the hungry.

But, I want to point something out for a moment. Gladiatorial games originally were dreadfully horrid affairs with carnage, death, and debauchery. They were something the Romans did to entertain their citizens so the government could sway public opinion in their favor and get people to look away from their frequent ineptitude. However, as we have our event this evening, we do it for a charitable cause. To elucidate the plight of the voiceless. To feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and bring peace to the war-ravaged nations and peoples of the earth. So while the event is violent, competitive, and even fun, the effect is peace, unity, and love. Just an interesting juxtaposition.

Fledgling

Now it is time for our word of the week. And yes, I know I've never had a word of the week. I doubt I will ever do this again (blatant lie). The word is 'fledgling.' Here is a use: The young fledgling company was unstable at best.

Here's what Merriam-Webster says:

fledg·ling
Pronunciation:
\ˈflej-liŋ\
Function:
noun
Usage:
often attributive
Date:
1830
1 : a young bird just fledged
2 : an immature or inexperienced person
3 : one that is new a fledgling company

But something that occurred to me is that fledgling, when made plural sounds like something we on earth would be referred to as by aliens. Like 'We are coming to annihilate the fledglings!' However, I think there are a lot of people who could never be considered fledglings. For instance, Chuck Norris is not a fledgling. Jean-Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwartzeneggar and Bruce Lee also fit into this category of 'non-fledgling.' I would like to think that I am not a fledgling, but then again I can't do the splits and knock out 7 people at the same time with one round house kick.









But then again, I am a young bird, and I fledge all the time.

Podcasting

Jump with me for a moment. Not up and down for no reason, but off a cliff into the abyss that is podcasting. Some of you may be very familiar with podcasting, while others may be thinking I'm talking about a new way to catch shrimp. While I'm sure there are ways to catch shrimp, or at least develop strategies to catch shrimp on podcasts, that is generally not their purpose. A podcast is a syndicated online radio show. It is published through itunes and other online audible mediums. Like a blog, it has episodes in place of posts, and updates either daily or weekly, depending on who is doing the show. Some are more frequent than others, and the topics range from finance and sports to technology and travel.




The funny thing is, I had a podcast before I made this blog. My podcast can be found at americansatire.org And, unlike a lot of other podcasts it ends up being around 15 minutes long on average with crazy subjects and interviews with musicians, artists and my random friends. I used to be really good about doing it weekly, but now I do it less frequently. This is in part because I'm doing another podcast called 'The Envision Podcast" for a different company. But, my own show is called The Ian McConnaughey SHOW, and you can subscribe to it on itunes. I recommend visiting the site I wrote above and clicking the subscribe button, because itunes is sketchy. That's right, SKETCHY. Anyway, I recommend you all get into podcasting. It's fun.

Omnibus Post: Touching it all

This week has been a blog post explosion. This will be my seventh. And, I'm going to address a number of issues. First, I have ads on this site. You might have noticed that. Feel free to click on them if you're interested. Window shopping doesn't cost a thing. I promise. I know not all of you out there are interested in mormon dating, lingerie, dog food or Barack Obama t-shirts, but maybe you'll find something that strikes your fancy. Maybe a site where Obama is eating dog food in one of his own t-shirts, on a date with a mormon while wearing lingerie. Weirder things have happened.

Second, I want to say that manly men still do exist, although they are scarce. And, you do not have to move to Montana or Texas to find one. Massachusetts is chock-full of them, as is Virginia, West Virginia, New York and any other place in New England. You've got a great history there. That's right, the men from those states defeated the British, the greatest empire since Rome. What did Texas have to beat? A bunch of straggly Mexicans. Not so impressive. Another reason the east and New England is better than either of the aforementioned states is because of our proximity to the ocean and the fact that we know how to live in it. The ocean makes up 2/3 of the globe, and Texans and Montana residents are land-lubbers.

Third, I do not have a great affinity for Cleveland right now. I am watching the Celtics vs. Cavaliers and we are down by 11. I effing hate Lebron, Varejao and all of their spot up jumping a-holes. It's our home court. We better eff 'em up good. As I have been typing we just cut it down to 6. Yeah B. There is no excuse for a loss. I want to crush those midwesterners and their aspirations to climb out of the mediocrity bowl. Garnett needs to step up.

Fourth, Ikea furniture is a joke. Engineered in Sweden, made in China. Cheap all around. People think it's cool. People also think McDonalds is cool. From time to time people are right, but Ikea and McDonalds lack class. Not that I'm the king of class, but when I break a cup or plate made by Ikea I don't really feel bad. And, I kinda want to do it again. I support America. I buy American when possible. To be honest, I'd rather support the Vietnamese than the Swedish. That's why I buy CK, Dockers, Kenneth Cole and Hilfiger.

Fifth, if you're gonna have a wedding make sure it's not just cake. I don't care if you have 10 different kinds of cake. I, as a poor college student, go to weddings for the food. And, if it has to be cake, there better be an attractive woman popping out of it. I need to be honest. I'm glad my friends are getting married, but I want to see a couple steaks, shrimp or at least deli sandwiches. I went to one recently that had nothing but sugar and fluff. Gag. I promise my wedding will have good food (if I ever get married).

Sixth, I'm sorry this sounds like a column of straight up bitching. That's not my intention. I just want to give you a piece of my mind. A hearty, healthy, Campbell's Soup, manly man from Boston who loves America piece. Eat up.

The Natural Man

You would think that giving in to the 'Natural Man' would be allowing oneself to be beholden by some sort of absolutely repulsive animalistic carnality. And, perhaps, to a point, you are right. However, the natural man has his moments. When the natural man for example, is confronted by a horrible injustice or belligerent person they lash out with wrath, ferocity and powerful vengeance.

This is the most rudimentary form of justice: Revenge. However, it is not a methodical, deliberate, evil act, but an eye for an eye, damages for damages approach. And, despite what some may think, it is deliciously satisfying in the immediate, and perhaps long-term (it obviously depends on the case and the approach).

Another thing the natural man is good at is eating. However, the more appropriate word might be devouring. A natural man has an unquenchable appetite for flesh. He is a voracious, carnivorous fiend. There is no satiating his quest to gorge all in his path, be it cow, truck, dog, raw steel, boulders or reams and reams of carpet. However, he generally tends to eat the more edible things.

The natural man also is amazingly good at athletics. He can beat cheetahs, superman, smurfs and gummi bears at their best events. He can swim for days, fight for hours, and do bicycle kicks consecutively for weeks on end. He is a beast. Similar to the Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho Gaucho or the French climber: Spiderman (who free hands the world's tallest buildings).

Let's give the natural man some credit, and maybe, from time to time, let him come out to play.

The Manly Man

What happened to the manly man? Did he die off or disappear? Did the heir to his throne become a cross-dressing, hairstyling, shoe horse? It is beginning to look that way. But whether it be a look at what was, or a glimpse into the endangered lives of the rugged few who still proclaim themselves such, we shall define what is a manly man.

A manly man is a rough rider. No, not one of those rolled up pant leg, lunch lady hair net on their head, driving out in an imported Japanese car with shiny wheels and a subwoofer as big as a Cooper Mini – rather the kind that rode out on horseback with Teddy Roosevelt in Cuba to show the Carribean why the west was won – with a six shooter and a mouth full of tabbacy.

A manly man is the king of his domain, his throne is in the bathroom. If his byproducts are not huge and smelly, he’s a wuss, a pretender…even a metro. The bathroom is his sanctuary, and as such he should have plenty of good reading material that deals with what really matters in life, not Ladies Home Journal or a cook book.

A manly man is a man so composed and controlled he can keep his poker face all day long, or stare at the crack on a wall for days at a time without flinching. If the world is falling down outside around him, he can stay still and finish his meal and turn around and give it the old lazy eye and scare it back to normal when he feels like it.

A manly man eats meat. If there were no more lettuce or green vegetables in the world, he would make a salad out of meat slices and barbeque sauce. Meat to the manly man is like oxygen to the normal man.

A manly man does not need a lot of words. Sometimes a nod, a pat or a grunt suffice. Oftentimes these simple gestures are much deeper and more meaningful than words themselves. The manly man language is mocked and is usually indiscernible to women, but if there weren’t Navajo code talkers in World War II, those pansy Japanese still would have had their hands full.

A manly man gives his coat to a lady. The obvious reason is because he’s a warm hairy beast and would overheat if he kept it. A manly man’s hands are so warm he can heat up a hot pocket without a microwave, or pop the last few kernels of popcorn left in the bowl after a movie, instead of getting up and popping more.

A manly man’s fruit roll up is a piece of leather, and his trail mix is sand and gravel. When he tells you his chili is hot, you shouldn’t be able to feel your tongue for a week afterwards.