Remember, remember February 14th!

Holiday. Dictionary.com tells us what that word actually means:

1. a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.
2. any day of exemption from work (distinguished from working day).
3. a religious feast day; a holy day.
Blah, blah, blah, skip a few…
7. an unintentional gap left on a plated, coated, or painted surface.

Awesome. I love holidays. The term “holiday” encompasses a huge range of celebrations. First Level holidays actually get you out of work, maybe require purchasing things or home decoration. Second Level holidays will not get your out of work, but may still require dressing up or eating particular types of food. Third Level holidays are the ones that are not recognized by all groups and institutions, even within a single country. Yes, there’s a difference between religious, national and international holidays, but the holiday level system works much better for me.

Frankly, I’d like to see Thanksgiving become the mother-of-all holidays. The jolly holiday. Aren’t all other holidays celebrating something that we could be thankful for? I propose that all holidays be re-named in the form “Thanksgiving: Edition.” For example: Thanksgiving: Christmas Edition, Thanksgiving: Veterans Edition, Thanksgiving: Valentines Edition. I don’t know how this might be received, but I can’t think of anyone who would say “No, I’m not grateful for Christ, Veterans, or my sweet, sweet Valentine.”

And while we’re on the subject, today is Valentine’s Day. What the heck is that all about? I could have done some Wikipedia research and told you all about Saint Valentinus of Terni in Italy, who was executed in 270 AD…but you already knew all about that. Celebrating today is done in a variety of ways. At my school we have "Smashy Smashy"-- a tradition of the Chemistry Dept. that involves freezing whatever you want with liquid nitrogen and smashing it with a sledgehammer or bat or other implement of contusion. I shattered a couple flowers, half a banana and a few tennis balls. What’s MORE important is that today is February 14th! The anniversary of…. a lot of stuff! (I deleted a few. I’ve marked my annotations with {} brackets) Check it out:

* 842 - Charles the Bald and Louis the German swear the Oaths of Strasbourg in the French and German languages. {Bald people and Germans didn’t need last names back then.}
* 1076 - Pope Gregory VII excommunicates Henry IV, Holy Roman Emperor.
* 1349 - Approximately 2,000 Jews are burned to death by mobs or forcibly removed from the city of Strasbourg.
* 1556 - Thomas Cranmer is declared a heretic. {It happens.}
* 1743 - Henry Pelham becomes British Prime Minister.
* 1778 - The United States Flag is formally recognized by a foreign naval vessel for the first time, when French Admiral Toussaint-Guillaume Picquet de la Motte rendered a nine gun salute to USS Ranger, commanded by John Paul Jones. {Pictured at the left here. Total baller. Betta reckinize!}
* 1779 - James Cook is killed by Native Hawaiians near Kealakekua on the Island of Hawaii. {And I thought my vacations were bad….}
* 1803 - Chief Justice John Marshall declares that any act of U.S. Congress that conflicts with the Constitution is void. {Judicial review for the win!}
* 1804 - Karadjordje leads the First Serbian Uprising against the Ottoman Empire.
* 1831 - Ras Marye of Yejju marches into Tigray and defeats and kills Dejazmach Sabagadis in the Battle of Debre Abbay. {Oh the memories…}
* 1835 - The original Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is formed in Kirtland, Ohio. {Now this day is starting to mean something.}
* 1849 - In New York City, James Knox Polk becomes the first serving President of the United States to have his photograph taken. {Shake it like a Presidential Polaroid picture….}
* 1855 - Texas is linked by telegraph to the rest of the United States, with the completion of a connection between New Orleans and Marshall, Texas. {I was wondering when they were gonna call…}
* 1859 - Oregon is admitted as the 33rd U.S. state. {Lucky 33!}
* 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell applies for a patent for the telephone, as does Elisha Gray.
* 1879 - The War of the Pacific breaks out when Chilean armed forces occupy the Bolivian port city of Antofagasta..
* 1903 - The United States Department of Commerce and Labor is established (later split into Department of Commerce and Department of Labor).
* 1912 - Arizona is admitted as the 48th U.S. state. {What are the odds? Oregon and Arizona on the same day, 53 years apart!}
* 1912 - In Groton, Connecticut, the first diesel-powered submarine is commissioned. {Yes. Put Groton on the map, baby!}
* 1919 - The Polish-Soviet War begins.
* 1920 - The League of Women Voters is founded in Chicago, Illinois. {The League… why does that sound so funny?}
* 1924 - The International Business Machines Corporation (IBM) is founded.
* 1929 - St. Valentine's Day Massacre: Seven people, six of them gangster rivals of Al Capone's gang, are murdered in Chicago, Illinois. {Gosh, Al! Why you gotta be such a party pooper? I like my parties poop-free.}
* 1943 - World War II: Rostov-on-Don, Russia is liberated.
* 1945 - World War II: On the second day of the bombing of Dresden , the British Royal Air Force and the United States Army Air Forces begin fire-bombing Dresden, the capital of the German state of Saxony.
* 1945 - World War II: Prague is bombed probably due to a mistake in the orientation of the pilots bombing Dresden. {Oops. Did I do that?} {Joking about bombings is inappropriate and wrong, by the way.}
* 1946 - The Bank of England is nationalized.
* 1946 - ENIAC, the first general-purpose electronic computer, is unveiled. {So much awesome! Just get a team of graduate students to plug in a couple hundred wires correctly and you can do a complicated math problem!}
* 1949 - The Knesset (Israeli parliament) convenes for the first time. {Democracy now! …then!}
* 1949 - The Asbestos Strike begins in Canada. The strike marks the beginning of the Quiet Revolution in Quebec. {It’s funny that I’m just hearing about this now…}
* 1956 - The XX Congress of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union begins in Moscow. On the last night of the meeting, Premier Nikita Khrushchev condemns Joseph Stalin's crimes in a secret speech. {Good times.}
* 1961 - Discovery of the chemical elements: Element 103, Lawrencium, is first synthesized at the University of California. {WAHOO! 103 protons in honor of some dude name Lawrence?}
* 1962 - First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy takes television viewers on a tour of the White House. {Ah, the humble abode. Can you play baseball in the bathroom? Nickelback wants to know…}
* 1966 - Australian currency is decimalized. {Base ten is where it’s at.}
* 1979 - In Kabul, Muslims kidnap the American ambassador to Afghanistan, Adolph Dubs who is later killed during a gunfight between his kidnappers and police.
* 1981 - Stardust Disaster: A fire in a Dublin nightclub kills 48 people. {So many innocent drunks….}
* 1983 - United American Bank of Knoxville, Tennessee collapses. Its president, Jake Butcher is later convicted of fraud. {Not the same as Fort Knox, right?}
* 1989 - Union Carbide agrees to pay $470 million to the Indian government for damages it caused in the 1984 Bhopal Disaster. {”OK, fine… $470 million…who do I make the check out to?”}
* 1989 - The first of 24 satellites of the Global Positioning System are placed into orbit. {A glorious day in history for all future military operations, geocachers, and easily-lost people.}
* 1990 - 92 people are killed aboard Indian Airlines Flight 605 at Bangalore, India.
* 1994 - Andrei Chikatilo, a Russian serial killer is executed by shooting. {I feel better knowing this.}
* 1996 - China launches a Long March 3 rocket, carrying the Intelsat 708 satellite. The rocket flies off course 3 seconds after liftoff and crashes into a rural village. {Yikesburger.}
* 1998 - Authorities in the United States announce that Eric Robert Rudolph is a suspect in an Alabama abortion clinic bombing. {Wow. Never heard of that one.}
* 2000 - The spacecraft NEAR Shoemaker enters orbit around asteroid 433 Eros, the first spacecraft to orbit an asteroid. {Alright...who was in charge of the name for the spaceship?}
* 2004 - In a suburb of Moscow, Russia, the roof of the Transvaal water park collapses, killing more than 25 people, and wounding more than 100 others.
* 2005 - Lebanon's former Prime Minister, Rafik Hariri, is assassinated, prompting the country to fall into chaos. {Shucks…they probably fell right into a sub-Prime Minister crisis.}
* 2005 - Seven people are killed and 151 wounded in a series of bombings by suspected Al-Qaeda-linked militants that hit the Philippines' Makati financial district in Metro Manila, Davao City, and General Santos City. {Terrorists are everywhere.}
* 2008 - Northern Illinois University shooting: a gunman opened fire in a lecture hall of the DeKalb County, Illinois university resulting in 24 casualties; 6 fatalities (including gunman) and 18 injured.

Happy Feburary 14th! Thanksgiving: Valentine's Edition.

National Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day

Activists for the proposed senate bill that calls for a new national holiday mandating the shaving of mustaches were met with very pleasing news today. Tom Selleck, the only man on the planet who actually can, quote "pull off a cool looking stache" agreed to be the spokesman at a formal protest on Capitol Hill. Selleck is believed to share the sentiment of those who are for the bill, that most men look like complete idiots with mustaches.

The bill itself will create a move where barbers are required to give free shavings in an effort to clean up the faces of America's would be hypster youth. The title of the holiday, while indeed a bit long, would be: "National Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day." But couldn't you imagine the cheer that would spread though the country when people pat each other on the back and look into a face clear of any psychological connection between stereotyped child molesters, then to say "Hey, Happy Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day! Now see isn't life better!"

Questions to distract you from Holiday Stress

(This is what might happen to you if you read this)

I have decided to write a list of questions for my readers to answer. It could provide a little break and distraction from christmas shopping, finals, work, or anything else that you'd rather not do or think to much about. Here they are:

Would you rather have cold hands and warm feet or warm feet and cold hands?

Which to you like to watch more, rain or snow?

Which do you like to hear more, rain or snow?

Where is your happy place?

What time is it?

What is your favorite Christmas song?

What is your favorite Christmas singer?

Would you rather die choking on dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

How many times have you injured yourself while decorating for Christmas?

What is the capital of Uzbekistan?

Did you know that mistletoe is actually poisonous?

Have you ever eaten Santa's cookies before he got there?

What did Santa do to you when he found out you ate his cookies (ignore if you're a good kid)?

How many pairs of slippers do you own?

Have you ever found coal inside them?

Did you ever want a power wheel for 5 straight years and never get one from Santa?

Do you wish you could have snow and warm weather at the same time (If yes, then I can recommend a few cities near volcanoes)?

The Christmas balance: Stressing out with exams vs. Enjoying the Holidays

With each final I finish, a new weight seems to lift off my shoulders. I am not slouching as much, and I am starting to realize that I'm taller than I thought. 

For students all around the world December is a bittersweet month. On the one hand Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years and all of those holidays tend to brighten our spirits, and move our thoughts from our troubles. However, on the other hand we have finals, papers, and the culmination of a semester's worth of studies to deal with. So while we smile at the thought of going home for the holidays, enjoying the food, time off, and warmth and love from our families and close friends, we also cringe and stress out about exams.

Well, I have no quick fix. If you forget about the exams and embrace the holidays your scores will suffer and you'll probably screw yourself over for the future. If you forget about the holidays and just concentrate on the exams you'll probably go insane and end up eating your hand or falling into a trance while staring at your computer screen. So I recommend a balance. Everyone's is different. Just remember, "stressed" is just "desserts" spelled backwards.

Just don't eat your hands.

Tiny Tim not really Tiny or named Tim

During this holiday season we read stories, decorate, chop down trees and put them in our house, darn socks, roast chestnuts, have fires in the fireplace, go caroling, bake cookies, and do a lot of things we otherwise would not. We believe in toy making elves, and overweight sled riders who bring presents by going down the chimney. We believe in mistletoe's magical power to bring lips together, and we believe that flat screen TVs are a necessity. However, I'd like to go a little bit counter current. I know I never do, so this should shock you.

You should all be familiar with Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol. It is probably one of the most oft-recited and most often readapted to TV specials of any other Christmas story. Even the Christmas story with "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out," "Fudge," and that stupid kid getting his tongue stuck to a poll doesn't come close to "bah humbug!" or Tiny Tim's "God bless us, everyone!" 

But, I have some news that might shock you. After some investigative journalism (and by that I mean the idea popped in my head with no references, research or anything), I have discovered the truth about Tiny Tim. As it turns out, his name was not really Tim, nor was he tiny. Tiny Tim was in fact an obese savant named Mark. Whether he was called Tiny Tim to be ironic, or to be endearing we may never know.

Tiny Tim did not in fact use crutches (although he tried several times to no avail). The best Bob Cratchit could do for his son was tie him up with the rope and winch at the town well. And this merely shows how good a man Mr. Cratchit was because, as you now know, Tiny Tim, or should I say Mark, was not crippled, but just overweight. But, to repay his father's kindness, Mark would make perfect clay models of animals with his teeth (that was his gift apparently). Then, Mr. Cratchit would sell these clay models and give the money to a nearby orphanage. 

Mr. Scrooge on the other hand was as big of a jerk as he appears in the book, and in TV adaptations. True to form, he didn't care much for his employees and in fact was very cruel to Mark. He had a fear of fat people and is believed to have come up with the name Tiny Tim to calm his nerves whenever he was pestered by Mr. Cratchit's humble pleadings for time off or bonuses.

So there you have it. That is the truth about the beloved Christmas tale. Merry Christmas! And as Mark the obese savant said, his mouth all full of clay, "God bless us, everyone!"

Eating pigs cures cancer

I've always believed that pigs are magical. Scratch that. I've never believed that.

But they do have a special place by my heart. It's that place slightly below it that digests my food. I like to call it 'stomach.' Honey ham is delicious. Ham for the holidays. Mmmmm. But whether you like pigs in between two slices of bread, or whether you wish you had a little pig running around your house instead of a dog, pigs are great.

And, if their succulent meat and intelligence level (higher than both dogs and cats) were not enough, a new study came out shows that eating them cures cancer. That's right. Eating ham and cheese sandwiches, a bag of pork rinds, a platter of pork chops, or even chewing on your dog's pig ear chew toy will save you from cancer. Cancer that you probably already have from using a microwave. Cancer that you got from sunbathing too long. Cancer that you were born with (like when your favorite sibling called you a cancer).

At this point you're wondering, "What chemical agent is it in pigs that saves us from cancer?" My answer: All of them. You are just going to have to accept the fact that Brazilian cannibals were right. You become what you eat. They used to eat only the most valiant and ferocious warriors so they could take on their strength and ability. Well, with pigs it is no different. You eat them and you become delicious and intelligent. And, because pigs are generally cancer free, you also become cancer free.

Voila! Bon apetite! Pass the bacon.

All Hail Lord Obama!

Well, it's finally over. We can now sing praises to our new King. Obama the mighty savior of the USA! Now we won't have to pay for gas, the financial crisis will disappear, we won't have to pay for healthcare or mortgages and we will all work for the new national civilian defense force. If that weren't enough we will now have no sadness. Every single person is guaranteed absolute happiness through master Obama's new proposals.

Our mighty new Emperor will bring prosperity to all. He is leader. We all serve him with one heart and mind. He knows best. We will all get everything we ever wanted for our birthdays, and other holidays. A new holiday will be added to the calender: Lord Obama's birthday.

Your tap water will turn into your favorite drink. Your refrigerator will be automatically refilled with your favorite food, courtesy of Obama's intangible, but real love for all of us. You will become more physically fit by watching his speeches. Your yard work will do itself. You will receive twice your salary for half the work. You can have 27 wives or 32 husbands regardless of sex (you can also have both options). 

We will party all day wading in a velvet sea. And this could be our new anthem.

Happy Halloween...from the democrats!

I love halloween. But let's be honest, it's a self-indulgent, barbaric holiday, with roots in dark pagan rituals and false conceptions of life and death. We gorge ourselves in candy and for at least a day dress up as something we're not to get a rise out of our stiff friends or to become less stiff ourselves. But, in my belief, those reasons encourage me to like halloween. A little self-indulgent sugar high and waking up with your head inside a kettle full of popcorn lying next to a pink fairy on one side and a zombie amazon on the other is what its all about. But some people want to take our animalism away from us: