Bill's Story: Chapter 1

Hi. My name is Bill. I live at 123 Fake Street. I have a dog named Trevor. I own a farm and sell oats to the Chinese. They love whole grains. Just like my mother in law. Tough luck for her though; she was told by her doctor last week that she can't have gluten, whole grains, or anything that resembles Keanu Reeves. Her doctor is a former hippy who still lives in a commune and runs a meth lab with her "mermaid" friends. Makes me glad mermaids still have friends. My sister and one of her good friends wish they were mermaids. I guess that's all well and good, until you realize you're in essence a paraplegic. But it's a romantic notion, if you don't mind being hit on by the occasional walrus, manatee, or on an off day, a narwhal.

What I Should Have Written in the Family Christmas Letter

At some point you have either written, received, or been unwittingly exploited by a family Christmas letter. The typical format gives about a paragraph or so to each person in the family. This time around I thought over some possibilities for my entry.

Option #1:

Michael told us in a letter last week that he's doing really well at rehab. He and his new friend Bob saved Margaret from slitting her wrists last wednesday. He has also converted to Judaism and has become lactose intolerant. Merry Christmas.

Option #2:

Michael is surfing in Vanuatu as you read this. He has started a new company that sells exotic fruit juice and smoothies and writes political satire on his successful blog (and is also a major contributor to the New York Times, the Washington Post, and advises Obama on strategy on Thursdays). He is also making real estate investments in northeastern Brazil and has purchased an island off the coast of Spain.

Option #3:

Michael is currently single. He enjoys long walks on tropical beaches after sumptuous romantic meals complete with candles and rose pedals. He is also not averse to bubble baths. His number is 657-123-4567.

Fortunately I wrote something way better than all of that, but you won't get to read it unless you're on the family Christmas letter mailing list.

Getting into a relationship: Game of Cat and Mouse

I put up a poll a couple days ago about what kind of topics people would like to hear about. Even though I know there are at times hundreds of people reading this blog daily, only four people voted. One person voted for 'random crap,' while two (presumably women) voted for 'relationships', and one voted for 'politics/economics.' No one voted for 'social issues.' But, inevitably through the random crap satire, politics, economics, and relationship topics I will address social issues in one way or another. It's all interconnected. That being said, I'm going to go with the winner of the poll today and talk about relationships. More than specific instances I'm going to talk about how the sexes see different actions, events, and behaviors. I also might wax nostalgic.

Back in the middle ages and throughout the Renaissance, and even through the Romantic 19th century, men wrote poems, sonnets, sang ballads, painted pictures, made sculptures, and went through all sorts of trouble to woo women that today would seem ridiculous if not stalkerish. With the enlightenment, women's movements, and liberal democracy, these traditions of wooing, along with chivalry have in large part been destroyed, or at least become somewhat muted.

Men are however, generally expected to take the initiative. They are the ones who are expected to ask women out. But, while some women claim this as sexist patriarchalism, most women want it. Why? Because it's a risky proposition asking someone out. The man could say no, and it could end up being an embarrassing situation. So, if you are one of those women who asks guys out, don't always expect a "yes." You've put yourself into the traditional man's role, and he, just as you do, has the same right to say, "No."

On that same vein, there is also another silly philosophy that I've noticed most supposedly "nice" women have. That is, to always say "yes" to a first date. While I think it's decent of you that you're willing to give him a chance and be cordial, sometimes you can just tell from the get-go that it's not going to work out. And, there's really nothing wrong with that. You most likely have enough discernment to make an educated decision. Don't play games and lead a guy on, even if it is "just one date," because, quite often it can become two or three, you're not interested in him at all, he is oblivious to your subtle hints, and you don't know how to get off the hook without hurting his feelings. This is where directness is most needed. So that you don't get stuck with some guy you do not care for, and so that he does not end up getting too emotionally invested, all the while wasting his time, heart beats, and money, end it soon. Learn to say "No." It is much more compassionate and humane to nip it in the bud than let it drag on. It's better for everyone. So, in a nutshell, transparency is good. You're not being any nicer trying to let someone down softly. Rip the band-aid off the wound in one fallow swoop. 

The next little bit I'm going to mention is communication. This is the main reason men and women have so much trouble with relationships and interaction. As I said before, directness is key. While some men are great with subtleties, hints, and nuanced speech, most are not. Both sexes see what they want to see, but men even more so. Don't expect a guy to be a mind reader. He probably cannot even read his own mind, much less yours. Be explicit in your communication. If a guy holds your hand, he's being pretty explicit. If you pull your hand away, he should get it. However, if you aren't into him and do nothing you are giving consent. Inaction is consent to most men. Few get the whole passive-aggressive/ambivalent female response.

Ok, I don't want to beat that issue into the mud. Just be clear. Quite often it's a power struggle, and men and women play games with one another. The man is interested, the women doesn't know if she's interested (or at least claims not to know) and so the man is not straight forward as in days of yore (with the poems, sonnets, and ballads) and plays the woman's game of subtleties as best he can. His rationale is, "If I put all my cards on the table, she's going to shove them in my face." So he either plays no cards or one card. Unfortunately, sometimes women can be just as thick as men, and think a guy is not into them because he hasn't beat her over the head with his intentions. So what happens is, because he is cautious not to play his whole hand, she thinks he's not interested and so does not reciprocate at all. Then, seeing she's not reciprocating, he moves on, because she already has in his mind. So both sides lose. All of this because of miscommunication. Many might say, "Well he should have been more obvious." But how obvious? If he were too brash she'd lose interest and think he was a stalker instead of a charming, clever, romancer. So we need to be more clear, but not too clear? The line is fuzzy. Seems like a confusing game of cat and mouse (and I honestly have no idea which side is the cat and which is the mouse).

There is no easy answer. Ideally a guy would take a girl out a couple times, she'd give him the right signals and they'd both say and do the right things and get into a relationship. But life is not cut and dry. People zig and zag. One day you might be into her, but she's not into you. Then a couple months up the road the situation is in the reverse. For anything to work, the time has to be right for both people. You both have to be zigging together or zagging together. There's no use in pushing for something that's not there, just like there is not a whole lot of point to hoping for something that's not there (I'm not saying don't hope, I'm just saying don't put all your eggs in one basket, be hopeful in general, not in particular; be opportunistic).

One day the cat and mouse will lie down together (although in this picture it's a rat)

My Valentine's Day Philosophy

There are a lot of Valentine's Day haters out there. A lot of people have been disappointed on Valentine's Day. Some never get asked to do anything on Valentine's Day. Some are never in a relationship when it comes around. Some are in a relationship but either vow not to do anything because they're afraid of it never meeting expectations, or don't do something because one or the other is a schmuck. Well folks, here is my Valentine's Day philosophy:

I don't hate Valentine's Day. It's never made me bitter or upset. It is a day of love. There is no reason why a single guy can't ask out some girl on Valentine's Day and show her a good time. You don't have to worry if it's going to go anywhere. It's nice to have a day where you can just lavish gifts and romantic praise on someone. It makes the asker feel good because they have someone that day, and aren't relegated to 'stay at home loser' status, and the askee should feel great because of the same reason and that they got asked (so someone was at least thinking of them). If you do want to start something good luck. If you are already in a relationship relish in it. Of course you can go out on nice dates and buy exorbitant gifts on any day, but Valentine's Day gives you an excuse to go over the top and not feel bad about it.

Here are some good reasons to enjoy Valentine's Day:

1. Chocolate

2. Sensuous meals

3. Creative floral arrangements

4. Sweet Nothings

So, there you have it. Live it up this Valentine's Day. Just be careful with the sweet nothings.

The Manly Man vs. The Goober

There are many different kinds of men in this world. There are manly men, nerds, geeks, and goobers to name a few. Of course there is a lot of cross over at times, but they can, and are quite often distinct. This post will talk about the sharp distinctions between the goober and the manly man, and how unwittingly woman are beguiled by the former.

A goober as I referred to in a prior post, "is a person who is socially inept, awkward, goofy, or strange. A goober is born this way and cannot be changed. While what they do and how they interact with people may be funny, it is rarely their intention to be funny. They make themselves the butt of jokes not by choice, but by just being themselves."

A manly man, as I referred to in this post, is far deeper and complete. He is full of confidence and poise. He is patient and understands the concepts of justice and sacrifice. He is not a mere technician who settles for a piece when he can have the whole. A manly man is an alpha-male.

The goober may be nice, and even have some special hidden talent with which he woos women, and for a time, that may be all he needs. Let's say he can play the guitar. But, beyond that guitar is nothingness. He may have memorized how to cook one meal from a foreign country even, but beyond that all he's got are stupid human tricks. Now, as nice as super human tricks are ladies, if you are confronted with a bear, a robber, or a gang of would be rapists, which would you prefer:

a) A man who can cross his eyes, rub his belly, and whistle yankee doodle - or -

b) A man who can break bad guys necks with the snap of his finger?

I won't answer that. I think you know the answer.

Now let's take a look at the profundity of the manly man.

A manly man knows when to be charming and articulate, and when to be quiet and deadly. He can talk about philosophy and love, and turn around and stare down a rabid wolf. He is self-assured, and deep. He can in fact say more without words than a goober can stuttering off hours of inane platitudes. He does not satisfy himself with superficial tricks, but learns instead to plumb the depths of his talents and inner-most self. He might for instance play a more obscure, but more beautiful instrument than the guitar, like perhaps the piano, or the violin. And, when he plays, his soul sings through the music.

In other words, this difference of depth between the goober and the manly man comes down to confidence. The manly man understands his innate self-worth and does not seek public praise or approval to validate himself. The goober on the other hand, doubts himself. He does not know who he is or where he is going.

However, initially it is easy to be fooled. Superficial charm and calculated witticisms can look an awful lot like the real thing. So, perhaps some of you entertain the prospect of the goober, because he could be a manly man if you give it time. No. A manly man is subtle and nuanced in his approach to romance. He is not over the top because he doesn't need to be. He doesn't need to shake his plumage to announce himself, because it is in plain sight. That's who he is.

Perhaps some of your have gone out with a goober and then come to the realization later, and wished you hadn't. Perhaps you are satisfied with goobers. I can't say. But, as they say, patience is a virtue, and it is one virtue that the goober does not have. The manly man on the other hand lives his life by that virtue. He understands what's important in life. He can wait, but will you?

For more interesting information check out this article.

Candle Light Potato Dinners

There are many vegetables in the world, but only one potato (excluding the hundreds or even thousands of varieties). The potato is our friend. The average British person consumes 200 pounds of them a year. And, it is America's favorite vegetable. We eat them with our hamburgers as french fries. We eat them with our deli sandwiches as potato salad. We eat them with our breakfast as hash browns and in omelettes.

So then, why with the vegetable being so popular have we not reverenced it and given it a special place at our tables? Why must we sit at a dimly lit table by a veranda overlooking Venice with pasta and salad, instead of a giant baked potato? The answer is simple. We don't.

We can have a splendidly romantic evening with whoever we are wining and dining with just a little music, lighting, and a potato. I must say from experience, that it brings out the best in people. It goes down smoothly and agrees with the stomach much better than salad, making the opportunity for a perhaps more extended romantic evening. The potato has a special magic to it. It has texture and poise, and is beloved by millions. With a potato, you cannot go wrong. Perhaps this year, instead of a bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day, you get her something she'll really appreciate. A sack full of potatoes.