Saturday, February 14, 2009

The REAL Meaning of Valentine's Day


Conspiracy theories? A dime a dozen. This Valentine's Day, you will get nothing but the truth. As it turns out, Valentine's Day was created to pacify another pagan holiday called "All Kill Day" celebrated by the Visigoths, Norse peoples, and the Druids. The day was celebrated by hiding from the violent God of destruction and/or killing things in his honor. His name later was changed to Cupid, or St. Valentine. His real name is Wrothtag. Wrothtag reigned over all the world for this one day, February the 14th, shooting flaming balls of fire from his slingshot and painting the streets of villages red with the blood of his victims (which non-discriminatorily included anyone, and any animal he felt like). The Greeks and Judeo-Christian governments of Europe later pacified Wrothtag into Cupid, or Saint Valentine and made him into a sappy love encouraging symbol to make people feel good. 

However, it's very important to remember the past. Wrothtag, in his infinite merciless anger and blood lust has sworn revenge on all living and, although anthropologists debate the date of his return, it could be any Valentine's Day. Maybe even today. My best advice is to run and hide. He cannot see underneath beds, large comforters, or when you are coated in honey or wax. Good luck and Godspeed.

Remember, remember February 14th!

Holiday. Dictionary.com tells us what that word actually means:

1. a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.
2. any day of exemption from work (distinguished from working day).
3. a religious feast day; a holy day.
Blah, blah, blah, skip a few…
7. an unintentional gap left on a plated, coated, or painted surface.

Awesome. I love holidays. The term “holiday” encompasses a huge range of celebrations. First Level holidays actually get you out of work, maybe require purchasing things or home decoration. Second Level holidays will not get your out of work, but may still require dressing up or eating particular types of food. Third Level holidays are the ones that are not recognized by all groups and institutions, even within a single country. Yes, there’s a difference between religious, national and international holidays, but the holiday level system works much better for me.

Frankly, I’d like to see Thanksgiving become the mother-of-all holidays. The jolly holiday. Aren’t all other holidays celebrating something that we could be thankful for? I propose that all holidays be re-named in the form “Thanksgiving: Edition.” For example: Thanksgiving: Christmas Edition, Thanksgiving: Veterans Edition, Thanksgiving: Valentines Edition. I don’t know how this might be received, but I can’t think of anyone who would say “No, I’m not grateful for Christ, Veterans, or my sweet, sweet Valentine.”

And while we’re on the subject, today is Valentine’s Day. What the heck is that all about? I could have done some Wikipedia research and told you all about Saint Valentinus of Terni in Italy, who was executed in 270 AD…but you already knew all about that. Celebrating today is done in a variety of ways. At my school we have "Smashy Smashy"-- a tradition of the Chemistry Dept. that involves freezing whatever you want with liquid nitrogen and smashing it with a sledgehammer or bat or other implement of contusion. I shattered a couple flowers, half a banana and a few tennis balls. What’s MORE important is that today is February 14th! The anniversary of…. a lot of stuff! (I deleted a few. I’ve marked my annotations with {} brackets) Check it out:

* 842 - Charles the Bald and Louis the German swear the Oaths of Strasbourg in the French and German languages. {Bald people and Germans didn’t need last names back then.}
* 1076 - Pope Gregory VII excommunicates Henry IV, Holy Roman Emperor.
* 1349 - Approximately 2,000 Jews are burned to death by mobs or forcibly removed from the city of Strasbourg.

* 1556 - Thomas Cranmer is declared a heretic. {It happens.}
* 1743 - Henry Pelham becomes British Prime M
inister.
* 1778 - The United States Flag is formally recognized by a foreign naval vessel for the first time, when French Admiral Toussaint-Guillaume Picquet de la Motte rendered a nine gun salute to USS Ranger, commanded by John Paul Jones. {Pictured at the left here. Total baller. Betta reckinize!}
* 1779 - James Cook is killed by Native Hawaiians near Kealakekua on the Island of Hawaii. {And I thought my vacations were bad….}
* 1803 - Chief Justi
ce John Marshall declares that any act of U.S. Congress that conflicts with the Constitution is void. {Judicial review for the win!}
* 1804 - Karadjordje leads the First Serbian
Uprising against the Ottoman Empire.
* 1831 - Ras Marye of Yejju marches into Tigray and defeats and kills Dejazmach Sabagadis in the Battle of Debre Abbay. {Oh the memories
…}
* 1835 - The original Quorum of the Twelve
Apostles, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is formed in Kirtland, Ohio. {Now this day is starting to mean something.}
* 1849 - In New York City, James Knox Polk becomes the first serving President of the United States to have his photograph taken. {Shake it like a Presidential Polaroid picture….}
* 1855 - Texas is linked by telegraph to the rest of the United States, with the com
pletion of a connection between New Orleans and Marshall, Texas. {I was wondering when they were gonna call…}
* 1859 - Oregon is admitted as the 33rd U.S. state. {Lucky 33!}
* 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell applies for a
patent for the telephone, as does Elisha Gray.
* 1879 - The War of the Pacific breaks out when Chilean armed forces occupy the Bolivian port city of Antofagasta..
* 1903 - The United States Department of Commerce and Labor is established (later split into Department of Commerce and Department of Labor).
* 1912 - Arizona is admitted as the 48th U.S
. state. {What are the odds? Oregon and Arizona on the same day, 53 years apart!}
* 1912 - In Groton, Connecticut, the first diesel-powered submarine is commissioned. {Yes. Put Groton on the map, baby!}
* 1919 - The Polish-Soviet War begins.
* 1920 - The League of Women Voters is founded in Chicago, Illinois. {The League… why does that sound so funny?}
* 1924 - The International Business Machines Corporation (IBM) is founded.
* 1929 - St. Valentine's Day Massacre: Seven people, six of them gangster rivals of Al Capone's gang, are murdered in Chicago, Illinois. {Gosh, Al! Why you gotta be such a party pooper? I like my parties poop-free.}
* 1943 - World War II: Rostov-on-Don, Russia is liberated.
* 1945 - World War II: On the second day of the bombing of Dresden , the British Royal Air Force and the United States Army Air Forces begin fire-bombing Dresden, the capital of the German state of Saxony.

* 1945 - World War II: Prague is bombed probably due to a mistake in the orientation of the pilots bombing Dresden. {Oops. Did I do that?} {Joking about bombings is inappropriate and wrong, by the way.}
* 1946 - The Bank of England is nationalized.

* 1946 - ENIAC, the first general-purpose electronic computer, is unveiled. {So much awesome! Just get a team of graduate students to plug in a couple hundred wires correctly and you can do a complicated math problem!}
* 1949 - The Knesset (Israeli parliament) convenes for the first time. {Democracy now! …then!}
* 1949 - The Asbestos Strike begins in Canada. The strike marks the beginni
ng of the Quiet Revolution in Quebec. {It’s funny that I’m just hearing about this now…}
* 1956 - The XX Congress of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union begins in Moscow. On the last night of the meeting, Premier Nikita
Khrushchev condemns Joseph Stalin's crimes in a secret speech. {Good times.}
* 1961 - Discovery of the chemical elements: Element 103, Lawrencium, is first synthesized at the University of California. {WAHOO! 103 protons in honor of some dude name Lawrence?}
* 1962 - First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy takes television viewers on a tour of the White House. {Ah, the humble abode. Can you play baseball in the bathroom? Nickelback wants to know…}
* 1966 - Australian currency is decimalized. {Base ten is where it’s at.}
* 1979 - In Kabul, Muslims kidnap the American ambassador to Afghanistan, Adolph Dubs who is later killed during a gunfight between his kidnappers and police.
* 1981 - Stardust Disaster: A fire in a Dublin nightclub kills 48 people. {So many innocent drunks….}
* 1983 - United American Bank of Knoxville, Tennessee collapses. Its president, Jake Butcher is later convicted of fraud. {Not the same as Fort Knox, right?}
* 1989 - Union Carbide agrees to pay $470 million to the Indian government for damages it caused in the 1984 Bhopal Disaster. {”OK, fine… $470 million…who do I make the check out to?”}
* 1989 - The first of 24 satellites of the Global Positioning System are placed into orbit. {A glorious day in history for all fut
ure military operations, geocachers, and easily-lost people.}
* 1990 - 92 people are killed aboard Indian Airlines Flight 605 at Bangalore, India.
* 1994 - Andrei Chikatilo, a Russian serial killer is executed by shooting. {I feel better knowing this.}
* 1996 - China launches a Long March 3 rocket, carrying the Intelsat 708 satellite. The rocket flies off course 3 seconds after liftoff and crashes into a rural village. {Yikesburger.}
* 1998 - Authorities in the United States announce that Eric Robert Rudolph is a suspect in an Alabama abortion clinic bombing. {Wow. Never heard of that one.}
* 2000 - The spacecraft NEAR Shoemaker enters orbit around asteroid 433 Eros, the first spacecraft to orbit an asteroid. {Alright...who was in charge of the name for the spaceship?}
* 2004 - In a suburb of Moscow,
Russia, the roof of the Transvaal water park collapses, killing more than 25 people, and wounding more than 100 others.
* 2005 - Lebanon's former Prime Minister, Rafik Hariri, is assassinated, prompting the country to fall into chaos. {Shucks…they probably fell right into a sub-Prime Minister crisis.}
* 2005 - Seven people are killed and 151 wounded in a series of bombings by suspected Al-Qaeda-linked militants that hit the Philippines' Makati financial district in Metro Manila, Davao City, and General Santos City. {Terrorists are everywhere.}
* 2008 - Northern Illinois University shooting: a gunman opened fire in a lecture hall of the DeKalb County, Illinois university resulting in 24 casualties; 6 fatalities (including gunman) and 18 injured.

Happy Feburary 14th! Thanksgiving: Valentine's Edition.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Shameless Promotion

There comes a time when we must question our motives. We all do lots of different things, some consciously, others almost by reflex. Well, some of you might wonder at times why I write so religiously on this blog. I am devout. Perhaps at times even more devout than some Hasidic Jews are to the Torah or Talmud. Well, there are many reasons why I blog, but I guess it would be best to let the cat out of the bag. I blog so I can promote my blog. 
I mean, if I didn't ever write anything, how in the world would you expect me to promote it? It reminds me of the movie Tommy Boy, where Tommy (played by Chris Farley) says, "Hey, I can take a sh*t in a box and stamp it guaranteed, but what are you buying? A guaranteed piece of sh*t, that's what you are buying." I have to have something to sell before I start selling. If I just kept throwing up the URL to my blog on twitter and facebook all the time while linking it to a page with a hamster running around on a wheel, people would start to get restless. They might even work up the nerve to buy their own wheels and run around in them to get out all their angst. So, instead of allowing that to happen, I write stuff. Is it good? Well, I'd say there's a chance. 
Like in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd (Jim Carrey) asks Mary (Lauren Holly) what the chance would be of a guy like him getting with a girl like her. She responds, "One in a million," to which he responds, "So you're saying there's a chance?" 

So I write stuff. However, even more interesting than writing stuff, is promoting it. And, if I'm going to promote it, I might as well do it shamelessly. With that I mean ubiquitously and like a used car salesman. I don't just write on twitter or my facebook status, "Check out my blog, I wrote stuff." I write something more along the lines of: "Giant mutant rabbit attacks President Obama while he sells radioactive golf clubs on eBay," which of course actually happened.
But, beyond just promotion of my blog, I have, on more than one occasion told and even encouraged people to click on the advertisements on this blog. You might think my rationale for doing that is because I make more money. That's simply not true. I do it because every ad you click creates more jobs. You are supporting the economy, and perhaps even saving the world. One click at a time people. You can make a difference. And on that note, click on the ads, visit their sites, buy their stuff, and read my blog like it's water after a marathon. Read it like it's oxygen after holding your breath for 30 seconds. Read it like it's the cure for whatever ails you, because, it is.

Humor My Rant


I am really angry. I don't know who to be angry with. I guess I am just mad and all general directions. If you are still reading, here is the story. . . .

The day that Jeff lost his job, we got a letter from the high school band letting us know about the spring trip. The temporary itinerary included things like Disney World, Wet and Wild theme park and The Blue Man Group. Four fun filled days in the sun of Florida for my 16 year old and his band geek friends. Jeff and I were both in the band and we know how awesome the spring trips can be. I went to Florida, Myrtle Beach, Montreal, and Atlanta each year of my high school experience. I LOVED the spring trips. So of course I wanted my son to have the same rights of passage that I enjoyed in my youth. However, the cost of the trip was about $500 for the parents to pony up. I told Sam that we would commit to the trip but that he would have to work to defray some of the cost. The boy has done NOTHING. AND I found out this week that because he didn't participate in the citrus fundraiser, there was a buy out cost of an additional $160.00. So on top of the $400 that I have already paid, I got a notice that the trip has increased in cost and I owe an additional $465 by the beginning of next month.

Who should I be mad at? Well, I am mad at myself for not putting the screws to my son. I did make him apply for 2 jobs which he never followed up on. I am mad at my son for having seemingly no ambition. I am mad at the band for making such an expensive band trip and then forcing families to participate in the fundraisers or have a $160 buy out fee. Now, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll be mad for a bit. If you have any suggestions on how best to use this opportunity to teach my son a lesson about responsibility, let me know.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Give Feet a Chance.

There are many things in life that are maligned, marginalized, disrespected, and of ill repute. Sometimes the object of our disgust is well deserving. Other times it is not. For instance: No one really admires garbage. As nice as it can be to throw, dump, stomp on, and crush, garbage is just not that admirable. We even use it as a put down, like "that idea is garbage." But our marginalization and perhaps even detestation of garbage is not at issue here. There will most likely not be any garbage activists, or garbage rights movements. However, there are other things that are unfairly treated, that perhaps shouldn't be.
One such example is that of the human foot, or feet. We often might tell someone they smell like feet, look like feet, or even have the temperament of feet. But is that really so bad? Sure there are plenty of unattractive hobbit-like feet out there, but what about all the nice feet? I mean, just because Bonds, Clemens, A-Rod, McGuire, and Sosa are all steroid users doesn't mean the whole league is. Give feet a chance! Feet we can! 
Feet are important. If you don't have them, you know what I'm talking about. Walking without feet is tricky at best. They provide use with balance, from the heels to the pinky toe. If you think I'm making this stuff up, lop off your pinky toe and try to pass a sobriety test. If you some how manage, then try playing a game of basketball, or try to win a dance off.
(Hobbit feet, some people like them)

Many also believe feet are just not that aesthetically pleasing. Oh please. I mean, the feet may not be the first thing you look for in a potential spouse, but if they are ogre-ish or missing, you might think twice about asking someone out. Men generally like daintier feet, with nice arches and smaller toes in even proportion (however, foot binding is not recommended. I don't care how effective it is). Women tend to like strong feet, perhaps tan, and not ridiculously hairy (although some women do end up marrying or at least dating hobbits). However, there are drawbacks to being a foot person. On the one side, sure, it makes it seem like your not as focused on the more obvious areas, but on the other side, people might think you are weird and have a fetish. So, play it safe. There are simple innocuous ways to check out people's feet.

The most obvious method is asking them to swim at the pool, or go to the beach. (If they are still wearing shoes on the beach or in the pool, they probably have weird feet, and are possibly aliens). 
(You can even use feet in orange juice ads)

Another way to check out their feet is to offer them a foot massage (however, this can be tricky, because once you've offered to do it you will look really bad if you see their feet and then refuse). So, if you do try the massage method, you have to go all the way (If you end up massaging a hobbit, ogre, dwarf, or alien, remember to wash your hands with strong disinfectant, or bleach). 
Another way may seem obvious. Watch a movie on the couch together and curl up with a couple blankets, and if they keep their shoes on get upset and pretend like they're ruining the upholstery. This method also has a big drawback (If their feet stink, you have now forced yourself to a couple hours of misery).
(This diagram shows you how to effectively kill a feet. Go for the kidneys!)

So there you have it. For those of you who still hate feet, and would prefer not to have yours, I can relate a little bit, but I also think you're being unrealistic and stupid. If you want nicer feet, plastic foot surgery is an option (and I know a guy). He can give you Audrey Hepburn's feet, or John Wayne's (however if he screws up they might just look like starfish or mutant salamanders. And, for the record, Audrey's feet weren't that great.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Adam Smith gets the last laugh

Here is a great article in today's Financial Times about Adam Smith and what he would say about the current economic crisis:

Adam Smith gets the last laugh

By P.J. O’Rourke

Published: February 10 2009 19:22 | Last updated: February 10 2009 19:22

The free market is dead. It was killed by the Bolshevik Revolution, fascist dirigisme, Keynesianism, the Great Depression, the second world war economic controls, the Labour party victory of 1945, Keynesianism again, the Arab oil embargo, Anthony Giddens’s “third way” and the current financial crisis. The free market has died at least 10 times in the past century. And whenever the market expires people want to know what Adam Smith would say. It is a moment of, “Hello, God, how’s my atheism going?”

Adam Smith would be laughing too hard to say anything. Smith spotted the precise cause of our economic calamity not just before it happened but 232 years before – probably a record for going short.

“A dwelling-house, as such, contributes nothing to the revenue of its inhabitant,” Smith said in The Wealth of Nations. “If it is lett [sic] to a tenant for rent, as the house itself can produce nothing, the tenant must always pay the rent out of some other revenue.” Therefore Smith concluded that, although a house can make money for its owner if it is rented, “the revenue of the whole body of the people can never be in the smallest degree increased by it”. [281]*

Smith was familiar with rampant speculation, or “overtrading” as he politely called it.

The Mississippi Scheme and the South Sea Bubble had both collapsed in 1720, three years before his birth. In 1772, while Smith was writing The Wealth of Nations, a bank run occurred in Scotland. Only three of Edinburgh’s 30 private banks survived. The reaction to the ensuing credit freeze from the Scottish overtraders sounds familiar, “The banks, they seem to have thought,” Smith said, “were in honour bound to supply the deficiency, and to provide them with all the capital which they wanted to trade with.” [308]

The phenomenon of speculative excess has less to do with free markets than with high profits. “When the profits of trade happen to be greater than ordinary,” Smith said, “overtrading becomes a general error.” [438] And rate of profit, Smith claimed, “is always highest in the countries that are going fastest to ruin”. [266]

The South Sea Bubble was the result of ruinous machinations by Britain’s lord treasurer, Robert Harley, Earl of Oxford, who was looking to fund the national debt. The Mississippi Scheme was started by the French regent Philippe duc d’OrlĂ©ans when he gave control of the royal bank to the Scottish financier John Law, the Bernard Madoff of his day.

Law’s fellow Scots – who were more inclined to market freedoms than the English, let alone the French – had already heard Law’s plan for “establishing a bank ... which he seems to have imagined might issue paper to the amount of the whole value of all the lands in the country”. The parliament of Scotland, Smith noted, “did not think proper to adopt it”. [317]

One simple idea allows an over-trading folly to turn into a speculative disaster – whether it involves ocean commerce, land in Louisiana, stocks, bonds, tulip bulbs or home mortgages. The idea is that unlimited prosperity can be created by the unlimited expansion of credit.
Such wild flights of borrowing can be effected only with what Smith called “the Daedalian wings of paper money”. [321] To produce enough of this paper requires either a government or something the size of a government, which modern merchant banks have become. As Smith pointed out: “The government of an exclusive company of merchants, is, perhaps, the worst of all governments.” [570]

The idea that The Wealth of Nations puts forth for creating prosperity is more complex. It involves all the baffling intricacies of human liberty. Smith proposed that everyone be free – free of bondage and of political, economic and regulatory oppression (Smith’s principle of “self-interest”), free in choice of employment (Smith’s principle of “division of labour”), and free to own and exchange the products of that labour (Smith’s principle of “free trade”). “Little else is requisite to carry a state to the highest degree of opulence,” Smith told a learned society in Edinburgh (with what degree of sarcasm we can imagine), “but peace, easy taxes and a tolerable administration of justice.”

How then would Adam Smith fix the present mess? Sorry, but it is fixed already. The answer to a decline in the value of speculative assets is to pay less for them. Job done.

We could pump the banks full of our national treasure. But Smith said: “To attempt to increase the wealth of any country, either by introducing or by detaining in it an unnecessary quantity of gold and silver, is as absurd as it would be to attempt to increase the good cheer of private families, by obliging them to keep an unnecessary number of kitchen utensils.” [440]

We could send in the experts to manage our bail-out. But Smith said: “I have never known much good done by those who affect to trade for the public good.” [456]

And we could nationalise our economies. But Smith said: “The state cannot be very great of which the sovereign has leisure to carry on the trade of a wine merchant or apothecary”. [818] Or chairman of General Motors.

* Bracketed numbers in the text refer to pages in ‘The Wealth of Nations’, Glasgow Edition of the Works of Adam Smith, Oxford University Press, 1976

The writer is a contributing editor at The Weekly Standard and is the author, most recently, of On The Wealth of Nations, Books That Changed the World, published by Atlantic Books, 2007

The Advent

I am here. prepare your minds for an invasion of offensively unadulterated common sense and imminently practical solutions to all the worlds problems. Either that or I will point out how those problems that I can't solve are unsolvable, and that people are just wasting their time and energy even thinking about them at all. Are YOU ready for it?

-Micah M.

Being afraid of the Great Mole Rat, and other phobias

Today I've decided to write a random list of phobias. I slimmed down my list so as only to pick the funniest and most ridiculous ones. However, I am of course putting out a disclaimer and apology if you suffer from any one of these and you think I'm mocking your pain (I am).

Pupaphobia - Fear of puppets
Papaphobia - Fear of the Pope
Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women
Pteronophobia - Fear of being tickled by feathers
Arachibutyronophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words
Novercaphobia - Fear of step mother
Urophobia - Fear of urine or urinating
Oneirogmophobia - Fear of wet dreams
Hobophobia - Fear of bums or beggars
Cibophobia - Fear of food
Deciophobia - Fear of making decisions
Helmintophobia - Fear of being infested with worms
Peladophobia - Fear of bald people
Ailurophobia - Fear of cats
Ergophobia - Fear of working
Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns
Orinthophobia - Fear of birds
Erythrophobia - Fear of blushing
Tetraphobia - Fear of the number 4
Zemmiphobia - Fear of the great mole rat

My favorite is the last one, zemmiphobia. Fear of the great mole rat. Who is this mole rat? What makes him so great? And, why should I fear him? Oh, and I love the irony of the fear of long words being a ridiculously long phobia. I almost didn't believe it was legitimate. It is. Don't bother checking.

But now, imagine running into a bald bird puppet that is infested with worms with the number four on its chest urinating on you. Then, as you are convulsing with the fright of it, the great mole rat attacks you.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My Valentine's Day Philosophy

There are a lot of Valentine's Day haters out there. A lot of people have been disappointed on Valentine's Day. Some never get asked to do anything on Valentine's Day. Some are never in a relationship when it comes around. Some are in a relationship but either vow not to do anything because they're afraid of it never meeting expectations, or don't do something because one or the other is a schmuck. Well folks, here is my Valentine's Day philosophy:

I don't hate Valentine's Day. It's never made me bitter or upset. It is a day of love. There is no reason why a single guy can't ask out some girl on Valentine's Day and show her a good time. You don't have to worry if it's going to go anywhere. It's nice to have a day where you can just lavish gifts and romantic praise on someone. It makes the asker feel good because they have someone that day, and aren't relegated to 'stay at home loser' status, and the askee should feel great because of the same reason and that they got asked (so someone was at least thinking of them). If you do want to start something good luck. If you are already in a relationship relish in it. Of course you can go out on nice dates and buy exorbitant gifts on any day, but Valentine's Day gives you an excuse to go over the top and not feel bad about it.

Here are some good reasons to enjoy Valentine's Day:

1. Chocolate


2. Sensuous meals


3. Creative floral arrangements


4. Sweet Nothings
So, there you have it. Live it up this Valentine's Day. Just be careful with the sweet nothings.

Monday, February 9, 2009

A Tribute to Funny

Ok, this show is from BBC3 called Man Stroke Woman. Some of the skits are great, and these three are prime. I quote the first one all the time when I want to communicate the itchiness of my jumpers and/or want to trivialize my emotions.



I'm also doing a social experiment and seeing what kind of random stuff I can write in between these videos.



Swiss Bacon Classic. Melancholy dwarfs. Edible chocolate friends. (Insert non-food item here)



This is more or less what will happen when I run into women who I used to date in the future.

You may be thinking, wait a second, he didn't really write anything today. This blog post seems like a cop out. And to that I would say: "You are correct."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

One-up this!

You all are probably well acquainted with the one-upping game that goes on with men. It's not attractive to women, and it generally doesn't make men new man friends. It can however gain a man cronies, lackeys, and wannabes, and the occasional ditz. I would never of course lower myself to such silliness. And, that's why I wanted to tell you all about what kind of car I drive.

Some people drive hondas, others drive BMWs, and yet others drive Maseratis, Ferraris, and Lamborghinis. Well, that's all good, but I drive the space shuttle. Yeah, you can brag about your 0-60 in less than 4 seconds and your top speed of 200mph. I can go 0-1000 in less than 4 seconds, and my top speed is 17,321 miles an hour. Oh, and for you truck drivers out there, my maximum payload is 55,250 pounds. Yeah, how 'bout them apples? Oh, and if that weren't enough for you, when I offer to take a lady to the moon, I mean it.