Satire Report Blocked by the BYU Gestapo

Well well well. Turns out the Stasi/Gestapo BYU site blocking censors finally got me. It's probably because all I put up is extremely offensive, full of swears, pornographic and just not aesthetically pleasing. Not enough fluffy bunnies and oatmeal raisin cookie recipes.

I feel honored to be blocked by BYU. I think it means I'm edgy. My content is crazy edgy. I'm sticking it to the man, not because I am trying to, but because the man believes I am. How cool is it to stick it to the man without trying? I would have to say, pretty cool.

This episode of censorship reminds me of a story of two of my friends in high school. I don't think it's fair to say we were good friends, because I for one, was entirely opposed to something they held dear. Censorship. They were two goody-two-shoes girls who loved reading. I asked them on one occasion what they thought of The Catcher in the Rye. The response I got was unexpected. "Oh, that book is terrible. Nothing but swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain. I crossed out all the bad parts though," one said. I figured that she owned the copy, but then the other had a sudden outburst, "Yeah, we check out a lot of books at the library, then we cross out the bad parts with permanent markers and turn them back in." Wow. I was shocked. It was one thing to edit something for yourself, but editing public property? Yikes. And they were dead serious.

So, ever since then I've been even more skeptical of censorship. It probably doesn't help that I also have read Fahrenheit 451, 1984, Animal Farm, and seen Equilibrium. But, at the same time, although BYU might like to think it's got some amazing system for burning books and blocking blogs, it doesn't come close. As it turns out, my blog wasn't targeted like I thought. BYU just blocked any external links on facebook. If you type my blog in your browser on campus, BYU permits it. So what it really comes down to isn't a competent diabolic censor trying to stifle free speech and kill my superhero creative juice, but just an inept system that blocks indiscriminately. I bet it would even block a link to a Helping Hands Service site that was linked to facebook. Oh silly BYU.

I will however, continue to promulgate the fact that I was blocked by BYU. I will wear it like a badge of courage. Maybe I'll even post in the corner somewhere, "This site was blocked by the BYU Gestapo." That would work better for me than a good Zagat's rating. But, on the other hand, people who see that might be disappointed when they see all of my kosher content. So, I'm going to have to post more pictures of cloven hoofed animals. Maybe I can get another little badge that says, "Content on this site not Kosher in any way, see look at all the pork products." 

PS - I'm sorry to my Jewish friends.

Here is an oatmeal raisin cookie recipe:

INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)

3/4 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup white sugar
3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 3/4 cups rolled oats
1 cup raisins

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).

In large bowl, cream together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs and vanilla until fluffy. Stir together flour, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Gradually beat into butter mixture. Stir in oats and raisins. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden brown. Cool slightly, remove from sheet to wire rack. Cool completely.

And a picture of something fluffy:

The Manly Man vs. The Goober

There are many different kinds of men in this world. There are manly men, nerds, geeks, and goobers to name a few. Of course there is a lot of cross over at times, but they can, and are quite often distinct. This post will talk about the sharp distinctions between the goober and the manly man, and how unwittingly woman are beguiled by the former.

A goober as I referred to in a prior post, "is a person who is socially inept, awkward, goofy, or strange. A goober is born this way and cannot be changed. While what they do and how they interact with people may be funny, it is rarely their intention to be funny. They make themselves the butt of jokes not by choice, but by just being themselves."

A manly man, as I referred to in this post, is far deeper and complete. He is full of confidence and poise. He is patient and understands the concepts of justice and sacrifice. He is not a mere technician who settles for a piece when he can have the whole. A manly man is an alpha-male.

The goober may be nice, and even have some special hidden talent with which he woos women, and for a time, that may be all he needs. Let's say he can play the guitar. But, beyond that guitar is nothingness. He may have memorized how to cook one meal from a foreign country even, but beyond that all he's got are stupid human tricks. Now, as nice as super human tricks are ladies, if you are confronted with a bear, a robber, or a gang of would be rapists, which would you prefer:

a) A man who can cross his eyes, rub his belly, and whistle yankee doodle - or -

b) A man who can break bad guys necks with the snap of his finger?

I won't answer that. I think you know the answer.

Now let's take a look at the profundity of the manly man.

A manly man knows when to be charming and articulate, and when to be quiet and deadly. He can talk about philosophy and love, and turn around and stare down a rabid wolf. He is self-assured, and deep. He can in fact say more without words than a goober can stuttering off hours of inane platitudes. He does not satisfy himself with superficial tricks, but learns instead to plumb the depths of his talents and inner-most self. He might for instance play a more obscure, but more beautiful instrument than the guitar, like perhaps the piano, or the violin. And, when he plays, his soul sings through the music.

In other words, this difference of depth between the goober and the manly man comes down to confidence. The manly man understands his innate self-worth and does not seek public praise or approval to validate himself. The goober on the other hand, doubts himself. He does not know who he is or where he is going.

However, initially it is easy to be fooled. Superficial charm and calculated witticisms can look an awful lot like the real thing. So, perhaps some of you entertain the prospect of the goober, because he could be a manly man if you give it time. No. A manly man is subtle and nuanced in his approach to romance. He is not over the top because he doesn't need to be. He doesn't need to shake his plumage to announce himself, because it is in plain sight. That's who he is.

Perhaps some of your have gone out with a goober and then come to the realization later, and wished you hadn't. Perhaps you are satisfied with goobers. I can't say. But, as they say, patience is a virtue, and it is one virtue that the goober does not have. The manly man on the other hand lives his life by that virtue. He understands what's important in life. He can wait, but will you?

For more interesting information check out this article.

Upset at Presidential Campaigns and plugging myself.

This Presidential election season has not inspired me. I suppose it's not obligated to do so, but I would even go so far as to say I am beyond fatigued at this point, and indeed disappointed. The methods employed by both campaigns were shoddy and only they only feigned accountability and decency from time to time. The press pretty much shot itself in the foot with its fiendish diagnosis of one side, while almost entirely ignoring anything even remotely detrimental from the other. I believe in tough journalism, but it needs to be equally tough and effacing for both parties. Our press has become so sensationalized and subjective it has caused an uproar among its own. 

Here's a great article on it from ABC news columnist Michael S. Malone.

That being said, I will be glad on November 5th. I will be able to write about other things. I will be able to write about defiant garbage collectors, toothpaste, writer's block, provo dating scenes, manly men, global cooling, cranberries, eco-cars, wo-men, girlfriends, new housing market options, potatoes, the Chinese, taking naps, etc., etc., etc.

Yes, I just plugged my own blog. And, I'm patting myself on the back now. Thank you. 

Public Domain

I have an interesting note to share.  As you know, I am quite fond of posting random, weird, but hopefully applicable pictures to this blog. To get these pictures I do a google image search.  I then link the pictures to the site where I got them from.  In my mind, it's free publicity for them, and I have a cool picture to illustrate my point. Well, recently I got a little anonymous comment from someone telling me that a picture I used wasn't in the public domain, and said I should contact 'so and so' to get rights to display it.  Well, I'm not about to pay them on top of the free publicity I gave them...so I deleted the picture and put one up that I believe was in the public domain.  But, I honestly don't know.  From what I understand, most bloggers don't worry a whole lot about it.  I'm not a picture pirate.  I am bringing your work to light for free, and linking it back to your site, giving you more traffic.  

Arnold would say, "Stop your whining!" And I would have to agree. Seriously.  My blog is in the public domain.  Quote from it as you please.  Print out posts you like.  Put them under your pillow at night for the satire fairy.  Put them in your family bible.  Have them reprinted in your local paper.  I credit the pictures by backlinking them, so I'd expect a little of that too, but my blog will always be free.  Down with the man!  Open source baby!

Hot Rod

I just finished watching one of the funniest films of all time. The movie is 'Hot Rod.' And, no surprise, it was produced by Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live fame. It's an instant classic. Right up there with Tommy Boy and Dumb and Dumber. There was slapstick, awkward humor, Gob from Arrested development, Heder from SNL....they took out all the stops for this one. If you don't know the premise it's about a guy named Rod who basically wants to become Evil Knievel after being told by his mother that his dad was Evil's stuntman and died while doing dry-runs for Evil. He of course is anything but a good stuntman. And that's why I like the movie. He may not have the skills, but he has the heart.


It almost makes you want to be a stuntman...or at least watch more stuntmen do ridiculous things. I know I will definitely be watching this movie over and over again so I can memorize classic lines and quote them to people who haven't seen it so they look at me funny. Then, after a long enough time, the lines will start catching and everyone will be quoting it. But, only 5 percent of the people quoting will know why they are doing it. Such is life. God speed Hot Rod!

The Taco Temple

The Taco Temple: California Fusion. For a moment I want you to imagine a taco. Now I want you to imagine the best Mexican food possible. Now, if that weren't enough, imagine ingenious chefs and fabulous decor. Then you would have an indescribably holy experience with large quantities of Mexican ambrosia. I had the honey Chipotle tacos with mango cheesecake to top off the meal. It was fabulous.

Towards the end of our meal a server came out to pick up our plates. He was wearing a loose-fitting button-up shirt and khaki shorts and boats shoes. I doubted he was a regular waiter and figured he was the owner of the temple, or perhaps...the Temple President. Unfortunately Gary the man (a friend of mine) ruined the facade when he asked him if he was the owner and he said he wasn't, and that it was actually his first day there. I was befuddled at first, but then he said he was friends with the owner and that he came over from time to time to help out; he had his own restaurant nearby. But in my mind, I met the Taco Temple President.

It was not the first time I had been to this great restaurant in Morro Bay, and it certainly won't be the last.

Don't make my face bald

Jesus wore a beard.



















Abraham Lincoln wore a beard.

Brigham Young wore a beard. God wore a beard. And using the word 'wore' just seems weird, because let's be honest, it's not an article of clothing that you can just choose to take off and put in the spin cycle with your socks. To get it off you have to apply razor blades. So, although we've developed varying strategies to make razor blades feel good against your skin, they are still razor blades, (unless some of you are forgetting this). Now shaving is not just dangerous, but annoying. Now let me tell you the situation at BYU.


To take a test, you must be clean shaven. To eat at certain cafeterias, you must be clean shaven. To go to some classes, you must be clean shaven. To go to the gym, you must be clean shaven. Let's be honest, it's written into the BYU by-laws. You must always be clean shaven. And, I don't have a particularly bothersome beard, but I know there are those out there that shave in the morning and have a Rip Van Winkle by sundown. It is kind of ludicrous. In my mind it is possible to look professional or even attractive with facial hair. I can understand the school saying, "Let's make sure we don't have any ridiculously bad-looking beards or haircuts," but outlawing them altogether is a bit much. If they want to make it fair, ladies should have to shave their legs before they take a test or go to class. Furthermore, there are some people who can't grow hair on top of their heads, and for them, a beard is all they've got. Let's not take that from them too.



BYU is run in part by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All throughout its history, its most famous prophets had beards. From Moses to Christ, from Brigham Young and Sidney Rigdon to Heber J. Grant. The Almighty himself has a beard. Famous people throughout history have had them (And, believe it or not but some have even been successful in life). But, then why is it a crime? You know those t-shirts that say 'Skateboarding is not a crime?' I'm going to make shirts that say 'Beards are not a crime' or 'I'm trying to be like Jesus, beard and all' or 'Honest Abe had it going on; it's beard time.' Let me know what kind of slogans might be good.