10 Ways to be Successfully Lame

Here is a list of 10 ways to be successfully lame:

1. Rake up your neighbor's leaves, put them in your yard, and then leave them there all winter.

2. Write a blog post describing 10 ways you can be successfully lame.

3. Tousle your hair with gel or wax into some random position just because you can.

4. Don't go to a friend's party because 'You don't feel like it,' or because you want to go to another party with a bunch of random people you don't know or care about.

5. Abscond with someone's forks and don't give them back for a month, and never, at any point claim responsibility even when they know it was you.

6. If you have a name other than Bill, rename yourself Bill.

7. Make a habit of smelling your feet all the time. If they smell gross, do it again.

8. Shoot down anyone's idea of fun (This includes any time anyone suggests anything that does not involve chilling).

9. Lease or buy a car way out of your price range (Preferably an import). Hock family heirlooms if possible.

10. Don't read this.

A Delayed Thank You.

Lepers, I said lepers. 

Nine out of ten lepers agree that you should thank Jesus when he heals you. However, as history shows us, only one in ten actually does. However, the page seems to have turned back for three of the unthankful lepers as of 2:30pm today. As it turns out, they have indeed finally expressed gratitude for their new lease on life, albeit nearly 2000 years later.

Jim the leper, one of the original ten healed by Jesus, had this to say:

"At the time, I was just so awestruck. One minute I had no fingers and couldn't feel my lower extremities, and the next minute I was dancing like John Travolta, or actually like myself, although Travolta did a good imitation years later. I meant to thank the man who healed me, but I guess I just got caught up in the moment."

Another of the three, Bill, who also had that same 'caught up in the moment' feeling said, "I honestly didn't really think about it. At the time Jesus was on his first tour, so I didn't think much of it. But, after about 1500 years I started to think, 'Well even if you didn't know the guy you should've said thank you' and then, earlier today I realized I still could thank him. There's always time to be appreciative."

However, the third leper Bobby, had perhaps the most poignant remark when he said, "Let this be a lesson to future lepers who are healed. Don't wait two thousand years to say thanks. Saying thank you completed me, more than the healing ever could have."

The lesson this reporter got was, better late than never.

Government Stimulates Itself

First off, I cannot believe someone would have the cajones to ask if Harry Reid was confident that this bill was big enough. I remember only a short time ago when people were up in arms about TARP's $700 billion price tag. Now people are wondering if this is enough? Are you serious? TARP hasn't done much thus far, so why do you think this bill will be any different? It's just a melange of pet projects and partisan pork. The point of a stimulus bill is to create jobs, spur investment, and strengthen the economy. All this bill seems to do is make a feigned or even superficial effort to address stimulus, all the while really just throwing most of the money at projects that are entirely irrelevant. Senator Inhofe's recent press release confirms my unease:

February 6, 2009

WASHINGTON, DC - U.S. Senator James Inhofe (R-Okla.), issued the following statement tonight after the announcement of a compromise on the Senate stimulus bill.

"While I appreciate the efforts of my colleagues to bring down the price tag of this bill, the fact is we still face a trillion dollar spending bill. Making it worse, the bill is 93% spending and only 7% stimulation. Over the past few days I have fought to include more in the way of real stimulus through higher percentage of infrastructure and defense spending, while working to cut much of the typical government waste often found in a bill of this size. Yet Democrats have blocked these efforts.

"The good news tonight is that the American people are catching on to the fact that this is the largest spending bill in history and are becoming more and more vocal in their opposition. My offices in Oklahoma and Washington DC have been flooded with emails, phone calls and faxes overwhelmingly opposed to this trillion dollar legislation. They can rest assured that my vote remains an unwavering ‘no.'"

Here's real stimulus.

(If only this cartoon were what the government was really doing. As it turns out, they're fanning themselves with money while pelting the bull with loose change.)

National Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day

Activists for the proposed senate bill that calls for a new national holiday mandating the shaving of mustaches were met with very pleasing news today. Tom Selleck, the only man on the planet who actually can, quote "pull off a cool looking stache" agreed to be the spokesman at a formal protest on Capitol Hill. Selleck is believed to share the sentiment of those who are for the bill, that most men look like complete idiots with mustaches.

The bill itself will create a move where barbers are required to give free shavings in an effort to clean up the faces of America's would be hypster youth. The title of the holiday, while indeed a bit long, would be: "National Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day." But couldn't you imagine the cheer that would spread though the country when people pat each other on the back and look into a face clear of any psychological connection between stereotyped child molesters, then to say "Hey, Happy Shave Your Mustache Because You Look Like a Douchebag Day! Now see isn't life better!"

My yard, the bird sanctuary.

The lawn in front of my house is not in the best of shape. It's mostly weeds, with a select patch of grass. It is also slightly balding. But this was not always the case. It used to be lush. Lush with dandelions, clover, crabgrass, and stuff that resembled grass but wasn't. Well, the owner didn't want that, so she had the maintenance guy put down some weed killer/fertilizer. Now if there's anything I've learned from being a landscaper, it's that it's either one or the other. And, unfortunately for our lawn, it did more killing than fertilizing. But, even after our front yard was made a barren wasteland (or so it seemed), it has been home to many animals.

Most notably of these is a flock of sparrows. I see them almost everyday, pecking at the grass eating something (I hope for their sake it's not the killer/fertilizer pellets), but I really don't know. And we've had a family of quail, as well as a pair of ducks live in our yard. So, I suppose you might say we run a bird sanctuary. And, we even had a rehabilitation case. We named him Bill.

Bill had a bum wing. So he usually didn't stray too far from the porch. I'd throw him sunflower seeds, rice, and random birdish food items, and he seemed pretty appreciative as he gimped around the yard. But quite often I would be inside, typing away on the computer, or reading a book and I left the door open. Well, it didn't take too long for Bill to decide he liked it better inside the house. I would sit there, my computer on my lap, and then, out of the corner of my eye I'd see this little brown smudge hopping on the carpet. It was Bill.

This went on for some time. Almost everyday Bill would come on by, eating random stuff off of the carpet and then I'd bid him adieu. Then, came that fateful Saturday. I left the house to go hang out with some friends, and I left the door open, thinking it would do little harm as my brother and other room mate were home. Later on, as I was in the middle of something cool I got a phone call from my good friend and neighbor. It was a somewhat unexpected call, but so was the news. He said my kitchen was full of birds, and that they were hopping around and leaving little bird presents wherever they went. Before responding, I knew in my gut it was Bill. Bill had taken advantage of my good nature. How could you Bill? You look all gimpy and innocent, and then when I throw you a bone you ransack my house with your bird friends. Disappointed doesn't describe it. I felt betrayed.

My door is now closed.