What I Should Have Written in the Family Christmas Letter

At some point you have either written, received, or been unwittingly exploited by a family Christmas letter. The typical format gives about a paragraph or so to each person in the family. This time around I thought over some possibilities for my entry.

Option #1:

Michael told us in a letter last week that he's doing really well at rehab. He and his new friend Bob saved Margaret from slitting her wrists last wednesday. He has also converted to Judaism and has become lactose intolerant. Merry Christmas.

Option #2:

Michael is surfing in Vanuatu as you read this. He has started a new company that sells exotic fruit juice and smoothies and writes political satire on his successful blog (and is also a major contributor to the New York Times, the Washington Post, and advises Obama on strategy on Thursdays). He is also making real estate investments in northeastern Brazil and has purchased an island off the coast of Spain.

Option #3:

Michael is currently single. He enjoys long walks on tropical beaches after sumptuous romantic meals complete with candles and rose pedals. He is also not averse to bubble baths. His number is 657-123-4567.

Fortunately I wrote something way better than all of that, but you won't get to read it unless you're on the family Christmas letter mailing list.

Toilet Communication

Here is your thought for the day (whatever day you end up reading this):

Is it kosher to talk to someone on the phone while doing your business in the bathroom?

I am going to say yes, as long as you are not in a public restroom, and as long as you don't alternate hands while speaking. However, some of you may disagree. But then again, maybe many others of you have done it, felt ashamed, but ultimately agree. Or, perhaps you're one of the unabashed bathroom multi-taskers that doesn't see this as an issue because you regularly answer the phone naked, in a towel, or doing something ridiculously non-conducive to phone conversation (I'll let you use your imagination, because hey, you need to do some mental gymnastics).

Here are the pros and cons:

Pro: You can have an uninterrupted conversation while still getting things done.

Con: You could drop your phone in the toilet

Pro: Maybe you're at your wittiest while stewing on the porcelain throne.

Con: The person on the other end might ask you why they just heard a flushing sound.

Pro: The person on the other end might be doing the same thing.

Con: Unsanitary things could happen.

Pro: Unsanitary things are going to happen, but you might as well share the moment.

Con: People that you don't know that well will judge you because you have done/do it.

Make your decision.