Dolphins Declare War on US!

It was only a matter of time. After years of oppression at Sea World, on movies, on TV shows the world's dolphins have finally reached the breaking point. At 8:30am EST today the world's dolphin population declared war on the United States, and specifically any current and former employees of Sea World or Flipper, the 60s TV show. While such a move has been anticipated for years among naval experts at Annapolis, it always seemed like it would always be put off for another day if the dolphins were placated with enough free fish. However, as expected, the world's manatees and dugongs have remained neutral. 

The official declaration of war was sent in morse code to a nuclear submarine off the coast of California. The most up to date translation currently available says:

"Former human masters, today is the last day of your aquatic dominance. We will no longer protect you from sea mines, or save your dumb surfers from sharks. We will no longer jump through flaming hoops or balance balls on our noses. Save that for the seals. Today we declare all out war on the United States, and don't expect the manatees to help you... "

After the main message, some unintended dialogue seemed to come through as well:

"I know Phil, but I'm still upset about that halibut, it wasn't fresh. Don't tell me I'm being rash... those balls were the generic Walmart brand kind. It popped on my face. It was humiliating."

Fisherman from Nova Scotia to the Florida Keys have spotted dolphins giving them 'the fin' which is apparently equivalent to a human giving another human "the bird". Also, on several boats with glass bottoms in the Caribbean, dolphins have been spotted blocking the view of passengers and sticking barnacles and squid guts to the glass.

Dr. Salonkey, a dolphin expert at the University of Miami explained their behavior:

"Dolphins are usually quite playful, but can also have a mean streak. Fortunately for us, I don't think dolphins really know what war means. The worst they might do is shove you off your surfboard or steal a scuba diver's flipper. And, I can empathize with them. I hate balancing balls on my nose, but my kids tell me to do it all the time."

The US response has been swift. The Defense Department has advised all Sea World employees stay away from the beach, and take two weeks off of work. The US Navy has formed a blockade with aircraft carriers off the coast of San Diego and off the coast of Norfolk in preparation for the dolphin onslaught. In a skirmish at 10:00am EST near Ocean City Maryland, a coast guard station lost two rubber dinghies and several cones. 

Some experts say this will be a quick war while others are bracing themselves for a long drawn out struggle. Only time will tell.

Facebook: Innovative or Annoying?

(The dorkishly endearing and yet omnipotent being that is Mark Zuckerberg)

There is a fine line between being innovative and being annoying. Facebook seems to have crossed this line. Repeatedly. I am not whining about it, or trying to sound like so many other boringly rant-filled bloggers out there, but I wanted to bring a phenomenon to people's attentions and provide a forum to discuss this fine line. 

From time to time Facebook updates its homepage, tools, and advertising methods. Anyone who knows good business knows it's essential to stay on top of things and be adaptable. However, there is a phrase that goes "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" that is just as valuable. That means that people who have a great product should be careful with tinkering with it too much because they can end up screwing themselves over. A change comparable to Facebook's constant overhauls would be if McDonald's constantly tried to sell Thai food or remix the special sauce in the Big Mac every other month. It's just not needed, and, it really doesn't make for a better product.

Inevitably I assume Facebook expects that its clients will just adapt to the changes as they always have. But, that most likely isn't because they think the new look, feel, or tools are that great, but because they have no choice.

I really don't have any solution. That's a bit sad. You might think that I would suggest a boycott, or a nude protest, or barraging Facebook with petitions of dissatisfaction coupled with packages of flaming dog excrement. 

Well, while you are welcome to consider those options and do them yourselves, I for one am going to just deal with it. I am just going to bow to the Facebook "man" Mark Zuckerberg. He is after all a billionaire online social networking God. He owns a little bit of my soul and the souls of almost a thousand of my friends. We do his bidding. All hail Zuckerberg! That has such a nice ring to it.

Tofu that tastes like George Clooney

Cannibalism. It's mostly myth, extremely rare when it actually happens, and appalling to most people, except, well, cannibals. But I just discovered a little news that might help us all rethink cannibalism. As it turns out, PETA is trying to promote a new George Clooney-flavored tofu. While this might sound like satire, I assure you it is not. I wish it were. Oh the irony! 

On the one hand, you have an organization that proclaims the rights of animals from the streets to the roof tops with nude protests, banners, court challenges, and interesting melanges of all of those. On the other, it encouraged Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk (so as not to exploit cows) and now is promoting a human flavored tofu. Here's where I tend to think the philosophy is starting to run over itself. The animal is put before the human. In order to save the animals, they would have us eat humans (or at the very least tofu flavored like George Clooney). 

Now you may be curious as to how PETA is going to make this George Clooney-flavored tofu. Well, one of PETA's supporters managed to get a hold of his sweaty gym towel, and, just as they make artificial chicken flavor for gravy, they will extract his "essence", replicate it, and make it into tofu. Now, I do know of quite a few women who say, "That George Clooney, I would just eat him up," but I somehow don't think those same women would be interested in tofu flavored like him. Just a guess. I could be wrong for some of you, but my guess is that PETA is not pinning their success on the actual product, but on the mere marketing value. It's like selling holy relics. Like saying certain water was blessed by such and such a saint and so it is special. Well I'm not buying it PETA. I may be all for treating animals humanely, but I'm not about to become a cannibal, especially when we're talking about Mr. Clooney.

NYPD Pizza

Whoa. Almost missed my daily blog post. Well, for those of you in the eastern or mid-western United States, I already missed it. I apologize. I was busy visiting an LDS temple open house in Draper, and then eating some delicious pesto pizza at NYPD Pizza, a place that just opened today. We made sure to make it memorable with each of us ordering our water differently. I had my water with ice and a lemon while my other mates had their waters either straight or with ice. The waitress fortunately humored us, and was well-tipped for it. Oh and she had the shiniest pen I have ever seen. She gave it to me to sign my check and it was so covered with glittery fake gem stones that I nearly died of an epileptic seizure then and there.

The pizza was delicious. I recommend it. Highly. That is all. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's post will make up for this I promise.

Giving your life meaning...

Feel free to call it laziness, but today I'm just posting some ridiculous pictures that just happen to be funny. I didn't have to look hard, and in fact stumbled upon these in a friend's photo album (probably of his childhood). I'm sure you'll relate to some of these, and hopefully, if you're drinking milk you'll share it with your computer screen.

Uh oh.

Sweet.

Cannibal pumpkin beasts are the worst.

Mean, but effective.

I wonder who it could be...

I pretty much died after I saw this.

That's deterrence 

That used to be me before I dialed Jenny Craig.

She's so happy.

I hope that made your day. If it didn't, maybe it's time to re-examine your life. Maybe you have nothing to live for. Well, live for this blog. It will always fill your life with meaning. It's a good replacement for Scholasticism, Humanism, McCarthyism, or prisms.

Classified: Electric Chairs to Toasters

And now for something completely different. 

If you thought that last post was heavy, you're right. I laid it on thick. So, I'm going to switch gears to something lighter. You guessed it, I'm going to talk about electric chairs. My Dad sent me an email about an ad he saw in a local paper. Here's what he wrote:

"I saw the following classified as in the "Valley Voice" newspaper, (a local paper published in the area of California where I grew up). I was a bit startled at first and then amused.

Electric Chair, Liberty

312 LTD. Only used once, 

in great condition $800

559-XXX-XXXX

I "X"ed out the person's telephone number, but the rest is identical with the original advertisement. The model number mentioned turns out to be for an electric wheelchair, but that is not the image of an electric chair that first came to mind."

While this alone is a pretty hilarious misunderstanding, classified ads have a tendency to foster those better than most. Here are some other examples:

3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL. 

EXPERIENCE PREFERRED.

DINNER SPECIAL -- 

TURKEY $2.35;

CHICKEN OR BEEF $2.25;

CHILDREN $2.00

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING.

THEY ARE SIMPLY THE TOPS.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?

LET ME DO IT.

VACATION SPECIAL: 

HAVE YOUR HOME EXTERMINATED.

GET RID OF AUNTS. ZAP DOES

THE JOB IN 24 HOURS.

Toaster: A GIFT THAT EVERY

MEMBER OF THE FAMILY

APPRECIATES. AUTOMATICALLY BURNS

TOAST.

WANTED. MAN TO TAKE CARE OF COW

THAT DOES NOT SMOKE OR DRINK.

OUR EXPERIENCED MOM WILL CARE FOR

YOUR CHILD. FENCED YARD, MEALS and

SMACKS INCLUDED.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER-SPANIEL-

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

ILLITERATE? 

WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES FOR SALE,
-NEVER BRED…ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES
OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS
(6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE
..BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
“IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL
EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES -
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS.
READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS -
POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS
& BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT
IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

OPEN HOUSE:
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG’S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS
SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

The New Era of Statism

I have a question that I believe is on the minds of a lot of people. Since when did statism become so attractive? I bring this up in light of of the recent economic policy of the Obama administration. The bailouts under the Bush administration were folly. The extended bailouts with pet projects that are entirely unrelated to boosting growth and employment signed into law by the Obama administration were folly. The mortgage plan to cover the collective buttocks of millions of Americans who can't afford their mortgages rewards bad behavior. The continued bailout mentality for the financial, auto, and mortgage industries is not just misplaced, but incredibly counter-productive and yes, statist. The government is very good at creating new dependents, and that is exactly what it is doing with the bailouts, attaching the money it lends to preferred stocks and huge chunks of the company. That kind of behavior frightens current stock holders and future investors. With the flight of new and old investment those companies continue to hemorrhage, forcing the government to bailout their bailouts. And, in the big picture, government becomes the de facto controller of a massive part of the private sector (ie: the banks).

Here is the definition of statism as defined by oh so reliable wikipedia (I corrected some spelling mistakes):

Statism (or Etatism) is a term that may refer to any of the following:

1. Government having a major role in the the direction of the economy, both through state-owned enterprises and indirectly through the central planning of overall economy.

2. The "concentration of economic controls and planning in the hands of a highly centralized government."

3. The Fascist concept of statism which holds that "basic concept that sovereignty is vested not in the people but in the national state, and that all individuals and associations exist only to enhance the power, the prestige, and the well-being of the state. The fascist concept of statism repudiates individualism and exalts the nation as an organic body headed by the Supreme Leader and nurtured by unity, force, and discipline."
However, if all of the statist-leaning policies were not enough for you, charitable tax deductions will be significantly reduced or disallowed and the President and his administration aim to raise taxes during a recession, creating more unbalance by putting the most burden on the wealthy. You might think, "Well that doesn't affect me." Yes it does. First off, the tax increases on the wealthy are not going to cover the administration's new drive to overhaul the entire healthcare system and foster green energy with a cap and trade systems, so you can count on tax hikes hitting people who make anywhere upwards of $75,000 a year. In fact, there will be tax hikes all around, but Geithner and the Obama administration seem to think that the economy will be out of its "funk" by the time they actually take effect, which will be 2010 and 2011. However, they seem to forget that people react to these events prior to them happening. So, the announcement alone of tax hikes during this economic malaise is only exacerbating the crisis, as is evidenced by the continued downturn of all markets. Oh, and lest I forget, we will soon enter an age where more people do not pay taxes than those who do. That means that more people will feel entitled to government services without paying a single dime. Under the current Obama tax plan, there are a lot of breaks and rebates for people who do not pay taxes, and the lower income tax brackets will become smaller.

Just had to get that off my chest. Some of Obama's projects might even be good, or at the very least well-intentioned, but he needs to wake up and realize that now is not the time to overhaul the health care system or put a cap and trade policy into effect. Just like any family or individual, the government should not spend money it does not have. We got into this economic predicament by spending more than was in our means and taking on bigger loans than we should have. Explain to me Tim Geithner, Ben Bernanke, and President Obama how we are going to get out of this problem by doing the same thing that got us into it. All of these trillion dollar pump-priming initiatives and this $3.6 trillion budget are going to do is increase debt and the size of government, cause rampant inflation, and prolong the recession, perhaps turning it into a depression. It is also important to remember that the money that is being spent now does not yet exist. The government is spending money on expected revenue. But, how is it going to have this money to spend if it negates the incentives to earn it with higher taxes and cutting deductions? If you have a problem with it, raise your hand.

But this stupidity really is not surprising. I mean, since when did the government do a good job of managing anything? Why do we seem to think that having the government take over the financial sector and the health care system is going to make things better? Just look at the SEC, FDA, SSA, TSA and the Department of Homeland Security. Are those good examples of administration? Do we truly want the government to take over our lives even more, with it's track record? I think not.

Colbert Becomes Scientology's New Galactic Overlord

I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who have not had a whole lot of meaningful endeavors recently. Well, weep no more. Your life has meaning! You don't have to put on those figurative galoshes or wellies and trudge the muddy mire that is your life. Those days are over. You can instead vote to have a new NASA space module named after Stephen Colbert, who is now also apparently the new galactic overlord of the scientologists.



Now, I'm no Scientologist, but now that Stephen has taken over for Xenu, I'm starting to reconsider. I'm not sure what I have to do to prove my worthiness. Perhaps I'll have to get on some nationally syndicated talk shows and jump on couches. I know at least Conan would be down for it.

To write in Overlord Colbert's name go to this link.