Repackaged, Repurposed and....Still Funny

Here are some of the more enjoyable recent funnies from Failblog, Very Demotivational, Pictureisunrelated, oddlyspecific and engrish:

Deep inside he knew that this was the best part of his day.

Oooooo.

Actually, in Ireland you would not get arrested. Common practice.

Is it just me or do his undies look like a hamper?

It can be done.

You've been in this situation before.

Greatest day of your life.

Llamas. Of course!

That's a bad law. Only in Gaithersburg.

Just your average, everyday house....for psychos.

That's what you think. The aliens took this picture.

The part you can't see is the other golf cart on top of the second ladder.

This is not a fail. Pizza is the real hero.

Pretty accurate actually.

I always do.

Writing with My Left Hand

Well, it's true. As promised, I am typing this entire post with only my left hand. I suppose it just makes it more interesting (read 'more of a hassle') for me to do it, and really makes no difference to you, given that there is no noticeable difference to you the reader. However, the probability of anyone caring that I do this is low. But then again, the probability that I care about that probability is zero. That is why I generally don't listen to anything said by a person speaking to me who says, "The probability of...happening is..." because I just don't care.

Here are some pictures:

I will karate chop you!

Silly hat, dogs are for kids.

Of course, the bathroom design hat! Why didn't I think of that?

That's how we do it Mr. Cleese.

This rabbit is Scottish.

Ha. So true.

A Sentimental Goodbye

So I suppose it's time to wax sentimental. Today I leave Provo, Utah. It's certainly not the first time I've done it, but this time it's for good (as far as I know). And, as usual, it's somewhat of a bittersweet farewell. I've learned a lot here. That is not an overstatement, and does not include my college experience, that, on the whole was pretty informative too. I've met great people, done many stupid things, many smart things, had some adventures, heartbreaks, backbreaks, disputes, discords, reconciliations, and intimate moments. It's been good (Now that's an understatement).

It really didn't hit me until this morning. I got out of the shower and my room mate said, "I may never see you. I wrote you a note." It was short and light-hearted, and yes, it did include what I owed him for last months utilities, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he wrote it. I've been in and heard of too many situations where a departure from a house or apartment is anticlimactic, as in, they leave on a flight or drive away while their room mates are still sleeping. Or, they leave and no one cares. Well, it's nice to know someone cares. And last night some friends took me out to dinner for a bon voyage party. I went out with some old freshman year buddies for lunch. I had one last hurrah hiking/camping trip with some friends down in Zion National Park over the weekend. I feel good about the culmination of way to many years here.

However, there are of course people who are probably not so sad to see me go. I've been, and still am at times stubborn, inflammatory, blunt, petty, lazy, forgetful, uncaring, aloof, etc. (and so much more). To those who I have hurt, defamed, or otherwise destroyed, I apologize. I never intended to do harm to anyone (unless I did - that is, in that case that you messed with my friends or family). On the other hand, I think, in many ways I have been helpful to people with good words of advice and encouragement, providing perspective and hope. I have always cared for people big and small, and gone out of my way to make their lives a little happier. I realize I'm not dead yet, but I try to live each day so that when I leave this world the world will hopefully shed a tear or two instead of just throwing a massive celebration at my departure. I will miss my friends here (but I also encourage them to finish up here and get on with life elsewhere). Provo has been a great place to grow, but thank goodness it's not the only place.

At this point of the sentimental post I'm going to list some memorable moments:

1. Getting arrested and thrown in jail in Eureka, Nevada
2. The first surf trip to Morro Bay (with my two friends who were 6' 3" and 6' 5")
3. Breaking off my engagement
4. The second surf trip to Morro Bay (with both friends being 6' 1")
5. Going over several layers of management to get my refund on my engagement ring
6. The third surf trip to Morro Bay and on down to San Diego (hitting Ventura and LA beaches) - good food the whole trip
7. Getting accused of being a stalker by Mall security
8. Surfing in LA/San Diego (burned some bridges and the car was killed by a metrosexual)
9. Hiking in Zion freshman year and getting kicked out of the park at night
10. Going to my grandparents for Thanksgiving every year for the past couple years
11. Driving from Exeter, CA to Duxbury, MA, wasting 1300+ miles just getting out of CA, then driving nearly 41 hours straight from Sacramento to Duxbury with only an hour rest in an Indiana rest stop
12. Homecoming freshman year. We went to an Italian place and the Mahi mahi was dry and my stomach didn't fare so well in the bathroom later, but I did learn some Italian while in there
13. Going to endless senior recitals with delicious food and good friends
14. Hiking up past the Y two times, and both times being halted by snow drifts
15. Hiking Mount Timpanogos a few times, mostly freshman year
16. Getting my car towed at least 5 times in the course of maybe a month or two, also getting 8 parking tickets on campus (mostly 5 minutes before it was OK for me to park in the spot)
17. Going to many football, volleyball, soccer, lacrosse, and basketball games with friends
18. Many late night runs to Wendy's, Arby's, or some other unhealthy place to eat
19. Traveling to most of California's National and State Parks in May of last year (also dropping by my family's cabin northeast of Yosemite)
20. Going out to the cabin with two friends (enjoying the 4th of July in Bridgeport, Bodie, hotsprings, and fresh mountain air)
21. Getting a friend of mine to pay for my sandwich at the Cougar Eat and then regifting it in his sink later
22. Cross-Country Skiing at Aspen Grove
23. Foundations of Leadership at Aspen Grove (I am only in contact with one of those people)
24. A recent surf trip from Morro Bay and Pismo up to San Francisco with friends
25. Zion National Park this past weekend
26. Test driving an Audi TT, a Mazda 6, the new Accord, and some other cars down Provo Canyon (always telling the attendant I was going to buy a car in the near future)
27. Going down to Vegas to give my abandoned car to a tow company guy who didn't speak english and then seeing the shark exhibit at Mandalay Bay
28. Catching 9 straight shrimp in my mouth at Asuka two years ago for Valentine's Day
29. Rafting on the Provo river
30. Getting asked by every new person who ever came by my house if I surfed and why I had surfboards in Utah
31. Going to the gym with two of my good friends almost all the time I lived here
32. Cooking interesting dishes from Brazil, Italy, or my head
33. Getting in only one really long term relationship and having way too many flings (not all regrettable might I add)
34. Holding Gladiatorial games in the backyard last summer
35. Breaking my hand sledding at Rock Canyon Park
36. Getting diagnosed with mid-thoracic back pain syndrome brought on by lack of sleep and stress (this diagnosis was preferable to the one saying I had a collapsed lung)
37. Draining the lizard for four minutes straight after a late night at some crazy girl's apartment
38. Being way to graphic and unnecessary in my descriptions all the time to make certain people (prudes) uncomfortable
39. Going to a lot of general conference sessions at the Conference Center and at great peoples' houses
40. Going running with a good friend of mine infrequently, but always with great intensity

Forty was way more than I thought I would write. There are of course a lot more, but some are more private, and the ones I listed omitted names, and interesting details. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed my reflection. I'm now going to post some random and irrelevant pictures.

Giving your life meaning...

Feel free to call it laziness, but today I'm just posting some ridiculous pictures that just happen to be funny. I didn't have to look hard, and in fact stumbled upon these in a friend's photo album (probably of his childhood). I'm sure you'll relate to some of these, and hopefully, if you're drinking milk you'll share it with your computer screen.

Uh oh.

Sweet.

Cannibal pumpkin beasts are the worst.

Mean, but effective.

I wonder who it could be...

I pretty much died after I saw this.

That's deterrence 

That used to be me before I dialed Jenny Craig.

She's so happy.

I hope that made your day. If it didn't, maybe it's time to re-examine your life. Maybe you have nothing to live for. Well, live for this blog. It will always fill your life with meaning. It's a good replacement for Scholasticism, Humanism, McCarthyism, or prisms.

Are You Not Entertained?: Facetiousness and Waggishness

At times I think I put more into this blog than you do reader. I mean, it seems I just write, post videos and random pictures for your entertainment. Some might say, "But don't you love writing? Isn't your blog like some delicious daily therapy that makes you somehow into a better person?" To those people I say no. This blog is drivel. And no, I do not enjoy conjuring up drivel for you to lap up. Do I sound like I'm enjoying myself? Of course not. I'm having the worst time of my life. I'm on the verge of packing it in.

To those of you who are now shocked beyond question, maybe this isn't your kind of blog. That last paragraph was soaked thoroughly in gooey, marmalade sarcasm. Mmmm. Sarcasm. Sweet, sugary molasses. And, amazingly enough I have just broached the topic of today's post. Sarcasm.

This is sarcasm according to me, so please be as offended as you like. No one likes you anyway. You're extremely unattractive and smell bad. The best I could do was this picture to capture it:

If I could post smells I would.

Sarcasm is a tool. Just like your lungs, or a stapler (don't you tell me lungs aren't tools). Sarcasm can be used when life seems to suck, or if life is just overtly and disgustingly chipper. It also can be used when life is neither up nor down, when you are mired in a swamp or dank bog of mediocrity. So basically, sarcasm can be used all the time. 

The place where I was schooled in the art of sarcasm was in New England. And, more specifically, the south shore of Massachusetts. I have some fabulously uninteresting theories about why sarcasm abounds there like the drastic temperature and weather changes, the stubborn and genuinely crass and lovely individuals that live there, the Irish and preppy Waspish influence from the Southy to Cape Cod, and of course Lobstermen (or any maritime career), but I'm not going to do that (because I just did).

But, what is sarcasm? Well, in short, it's not just a tool, but a way of life. It's the art of making the best out of a bad situation, relationship, pair of pants, stained shirt, or seemingly pointless existence. Instead of getting down when things suck, or getting down when things are great, or getting down when things are neither, or getting down when you're on the dance floor and your favorite song is playing, you relish in the situation. Mock it. Trivialize it. Put it into perspective. If you are pissed off, and someone asks you how you are doing, smiling and saying, "I just won the lottery, and I'm going to waste it all at the dollar store," will make you feel better. I promise. And the other person might enjoy it. That's the other part of it. Using sarcasm is a social event. If no one gets it, you're probably just being bitter or stupid. Sarcastic remarks or anecdotes need to be witty, clever, sagacious even.

Now, I'm sure some of you have heard how damaging sarcasm can be. "It will rot your soul." "It is only used by people who are pathetic or unromantic." Well those people are absolutely right. Sarcasm is like a cancer that will kill you. Seriously. My favorite actor and cousin died of sarcasm. 

But, if you're really good at using it, you can trick sarcasm into killing itself, or someone else. So in that case I say use it frequently. Especially around inebriates or reprobates. 

THE END

December 18th: A day in Pictures

Today I am posting a bunch of random pictures. Some might be weird, funny, stupid or all of the above. Enjoy:

First Section - Weird/Crazy People:

Yikes. Baby mad.

I don't even know.

You all remember this episode (It could happen to any of us).

Great Wig.

French kissing your pet chameleon (totally your prerogative)

And now the section of random monkeys:

That one monkey seems genuinely concerned about the other's obesity problem.

This monkey wears glasses and sports a chain.

Section of random inanimate objects and bad signage:

Well that's unfortunate (and it was ironically David Beckham's car)

This tree looks a lot like a woman (tree nymph maybe).

Thank you for the warning.

I really don't know what to say.

A lego version of Stephen Hawking

Soon to be my favorite book.

The cat section:

Sucker.

Hahaha. Life as we know it is over.