Don't make my face bald

Jesus wore a beard.



















Abraham Lincoln wore a beard.

Brigham Young wore a beard. God wore a beard. And using the word 'wore' just seems weird, because let's be honest, it's not an article of clothing that you can just choose to take off and put in the spin cycle with your socks. To get it off you have to apply razor blades. So, although we've developed varying strategies to make razor blades feel good against your skin, they are still razor blades, (unless some of you are forgetting this). Now shaving is not just dangerous, but annoying. Now let me tell you the situation at BYU.


To take a test, you must be clean shaven. To eat at certain cafeterias, you must be clean shaven. To go to some classes, you must be clean shaven. To go to the gym, you must be clean shaven. Let's be honest, it's written into the BYU by-laws. You must always be clean shaven. And, I don't have a particularly bothersome beard, but I know there are those out there that shave in the morning and have a Rip Van Winkle by sundown. It is kind of ludicrous. In my mind it is possible to look professional or even attractive with facial hair. I can understand the school saying, "Let's make sure we don't have any ridiculously bad-looking beards or haircuts," but outlawing them altogether is a bit much. If they want to make it fair, ladies should have to shave their legs before they take a test or go to class. Furthermore, there are some people who can't grow hair on top of their heads, and for them, a beard is all they've got. Let's not take that from them too.



BYU is run in part by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All throughout its history, its most famous prophets had beards. From Moses to Christ, from Brigham Young and Sidney Rigdon to Heber J. Grant. The Almighty himself has a beard. Famous people throughout history have had them (And, believe it or not but some have even been successful in life). But, then why is it a crime? You know those t-shirts that say 'Skateboarding is not a crime?' I'm going to make shirts that say 'Beards are not a crime' or 'I'm trying to be like Jesus, beard and all' or 'Honest Abe had it going on; it's beard time.' Let me know what kind of slogans might be good.

Snow on April 11th

All I have is an acronym: WTF. So much for global warming. I am ready to welcome it with open arms. Seriously. Winter's grasp is so strong it has killed spring so far. Killed it. It was snowing last night and this morning with random flurries throughout the day. I want heat. Bring on a new medieval warm period like during the Renaissance! I want sunshine. I want to be able to cook eggs on the asphalt. I want more UV and sun cancer! Bring on the sun. We need more flatulent cows, more diesel fumes! Let's accelerate this thing!

Wake up to the chant of CHANGE (with no direction)!

Wake up people! Seriously. Now that we've had a couple months of a prolonged democratic nominating contest, you can see the candidates so much more clearly. The contrasts are telling. I will refer to Obama right now.

In the beginning, I'm sure you well remember his constant mantra of CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE! My question, is I think very relevant. Remember that quote that "The only constant in this world is change"? Well at least that hasn't changed. So then I ask, what's the big deal? From the looks of things, Obama talks out of one side of the mouth, while mumbling something unappealing an unintelligible on the other side. By that I mean he calls for us to rise above partisan politics all the while toting the most liberal voting record in the senate for 2007.

Then there's the fact that his preacher, Jeremiah Wright, whom he never really distanced himself from, thinks black people are the only people who are worthwhile. You should listen to his sermons on youtube.com, it's all about how the white man has it out for the black man, and how the black community must rise up against the evil white wave. Please. How is this a new kind of non-divisive politics? It's that whole concept of unity through disunity that I guess I never got. Sure. Lets favor one group over another to compensate for years of inequality the other way. Bring equality through inequality! Fight fire with fire! Genius. But I digress.

Obama is eloquent. Obama is charismatic. Obama has a decent image. Why? Because eight months ago, no one knew he he was. Now they do. How fortunate for the voters. Not so fortunate for him. Turns out he's got a closet loaded full of skeletons. And, on top of it, he has no real leadership experience. Two years in the Illinois senate and two more as a junior senator does not make you qualified to be leader of the free world. He might as well do one of those Holiday Inn Express commercials. I can see it now, the President of the EU comes to the White House to shake his hand and he starts talking about his new golfing buddy Raul Castro and how he will solve all our problems with universal health care...and then on top of that balance the budget with more taxes...then the President of the EU says, "Who are you again?" And Obama says, "Well I'm just a junior senator from Illinois that bribes people to vote for me with Dave Matthews Band tickets, but I also stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Classic.

Age Gap and Relationships

Is there anything wrong with a young twenty-something dating a mid-thirty-something? Should we balk so much when a sixty year old man marries a girl just out of highschool? Such profound questions bring to mind the taboo and hot topics of debate that have lingered for centuries. Does appearance matter? Well, many, and most would say it does. However, is it really our place to judge, and thereby demolish the happiness of others?

Honestly who cares if there is an age gap, or a fat gap, or even a tooth gap. Love is love. We should not seek to tear down a good thing. As I have said before, let's try the lace before leather, and try to love people across the board. Don't get me wrong, we don't have to love everyone's decisions. However, we can love them and wish them the best. Of course it's a ridiculously hard task, especially when that old guy's after shave smells like yak and the skin over his knees resembles an elephant rump, but still, we must make an effort. I mean, at least if it doesn't work out, you can sell him to a taxidermist.

Self-Prescribed Skin Cancer

It's interesting how everyone seems to want their "day in the sun." I mean, thinking realistically, the sun isn't that friendly. It burns us, gives us cancer or it scars our skin to a deeper shade that everyone seems to want. Little do we realize that tanning thins our skin, makes us more susceptible to cancer and of course, reduces softness and firmness, not to mention longevity.

The sun takes its toll on us. We get all red and wrinkly. Or, as some would like to put it, in order to make their stupidity more justifiable, "distinguished." Right. Since when did leathery, wrinkled, freckled, pock-marked, tumor-ridden epidermus become "distinguished?" In all honesty you become less distinguished. In fact, being distinguished in my view had something to do with doing good and achieving success through generally intelligent means. Somehow I don't think ruining your skin's health fits into that category.

Skin cancer aside, the idea that everyone has of "a day in the sun" is generally not so literal. Unless you're stupid. Which, if you are, I apologize. But, if you are stupid and are still reading this, struggling and grappling with every other word I commend you. "A day in the sun" generally refers to someone being in the "limelight" or getting their share of fame and praise for something they did. But why do we want so much to bask in the limelight? Why do we want to be lauded and applauded by our peers? Well, to be blunt, we are all narcissists. To a point. Don't deny it, you know it's true. The ones who are denying it now are only lying to themselves.

We all have this ingrained, inborn, innate need to be loved and admired. We measure our worth by what others think of us, from our hair and wardrobe to our speaking ability or wit. While you might think that other people make really good judgments and assessments about you, and you generally take constructive criticism well, if you allow other people to determine the course of your life and the level of your happiness you're going to probably end up one of two things. First, insane. Second, unhappy. Since it requires that one must be sane to have feelings of happiness or sadness, they are mutually exclusive. However, there is not a clear divide between sane and insane.

On that note I am going to make a blanket statement. People are generally insane. That means that at one moment or another, given the right (or wrong) circumstances any normal, self-respecting ideologue will flip his lid. For other terms see: bonkers, go mental, go off the deep end, lose one's marbles, one rachet less than the full set, etc. But, why are so many people ridiculously obsessed with how the world perceives them to the point that they lose their sanity or become melancholy and depressed?

It's our nature. But it can be beat. What it calls for is a resurgence of cold, callous, insensitivity. We need to be able to let stuff roll off our backs. We need to have thick enough skin so that when the poachers shoot at us on the Serengeti to get our ivory tusks, we can whip our tail at the bullet, turn around and trample 'em. We need to be able to laugh at angry hippos and crocodiles that want to dash us to pieces and store us on the river bottom. They can't. We are humans. We can eat them. The moral is more clearly delineated as follows: Don't get mad, get even. If the world turns its back on you. Turn your back on the world. When you get an 'F' on your report card, drop a little brown flaming bag on the teacher's doorstep. If they call you four eyes, tell them they have webbed feet. And then, to cap it off pour your school milk carton on their face, point, and laugh.