EXTREME TEXTING! LOL WTF. TTYL.

We live in a world of extremes. Extreme temperatures, extreme politics, and of course, extreme sports. But there is a way to become part of the extreme fun without going inside a volcano, fomenting an insurrection, or doing a 1080 on a riding lawnmower while jumping a tank of alligators.

How?

Extreme texting.

Not to be confused with extreme ironing.

No, I don't mean texting from your car while driving on the interstate (not extreme, just dumb). Neither do I mean sending texts from outer space. No. If you want to be an extreme texter you have to think outside of the box. Beyond 160 characters. Beyond human. For instance, let's say you wanted to involve space travel while texting. Well, no one cares if you send a text from space, but if you send a monkey or an overweight orangutan to text from the moon, that is extreme.

Becoming a zombie, and then texting is not extreme, especially if you work at Best Buy.

The possibilities don't end there though. You could also text from inside the belly of a shark. How? Figure it out. This is not rocket surgery. You could also text while doing a contortionist stunt while being launched out a torpedo tube on a submarine. And if that doesn't float your boat, then create the world's largest cruise ship/cell phone (ie: a cell phone that is also a cruise ship or vice versa) then become a jet pilot and launch missles at the keypad so that it sends a message to your grandma in Pocatello.

Texting while squatting on a manhole cover and eating icecream is pretty extreme (especially once the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jump out and surprise her with some pizza)

Yeah. Sweeeeet.

Not That Cool

Today I am writing a list of things that you perhaps thought were cool, but are in fact not that cool.

Not that cool list:

Scrabble

instant hand sanitizer

poker chips

pet monkeys

tuna fish

red ribbon

bottle caps from sobe that say "You're kind of a big deal"

t-shirts that say "You're kind of a big deal"

Most novelty t-shirts

potpourri (I did not spell it correctly on the first try)

marfans syndrome

Lanky people

trolls

zen gardens

AT&T commercials

Verizon commercials

That annoying Elton John song that goes "I guess that's why they call it the blues..."

Writing lists

Done.

First person to respond to today's post will receive a free chair. Like this one:

This is an example of what happens when you have a pet monkey:

Asinine.

Asinine.

It just works. On the one hand it has an obvious audible bite to it when you say it, yet on the other hand it's a cultured way of saying something is absurd without using words you'd rather not. It's not distasteful, yet it seeps with you own sentiments of distaste.

I'm a fan. I'm also a fan of taboule.

Random.

Here's a non-related picture:

Or is it related?

Since I've Been Gone...

Today I am no longer calling my co-writers co-writers. I am calling them occasional contributors (those occasions possibly being Easter, Christmas, or when they take a new census in the US).

I am a lone man on the Satire Report. Even perhaps a lone wolf. 

Some interesting things to happen since my last post:

*The Chinese planted soybeans on the moon.

*Kim Jong Il turned into an immortal cyborg, using a nuclear reactor that was supposed to be used in a missile test.

*Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France 7 more times and then mooned French Reporters in Paris.

*Monkeys from Gibraltar have taken over the city, one has made himself 'Emperor of the Rock'.

*Joe Biden literally put both his feet in his mouth in a yoga class in downtown Wilmington.

*Nothing else happened.

Swine Flu: Run for your life!

OMG! It's the swine flu! I'm so scared. I mean I spend most of my time in Mexico rolling around in the mud with pigs and cutting deals with rural pig farmers. It's almost as bad as the West Nile virus that killed hundreds of crows across the US. But it's not quite as bad as the avian flu that killed many Chinese chickens and caused thousands to be slaughtered by the government in the worst chicken holocaust since KFC was founded.

The authorities are cracking down.

But they're having some fun too.

The swine flu is worse than AIDS. At least people got AIDS from monkeys. I mean, I know it's an ethical question that no one wants to talk about, but is it better to touch monkeys or pigs? Perhaps Michael Jackson has an answer. I like monkeys better, but that's just a personal preference. There are a lot of sick pig obsessed whack jobs out there.

I know what you're going to say. "But these people didn't get it from getting jiggy with pigs. Pigs are just genetically similar to humans and so the disease was easily communicable." I'm not buying it. Sounds like something a pig lover would say.

Smart Monkeys and Apes

As it turns out, monkeys are smarter than us. And apes are way beyond us. The proof is in the pudding. This chimp's name is Bart. He runs a grocery store that employs seven illegal immigrants and three high school kids. The incentives for employees are food fights on breaks, and finger painting for an hour two times a week. He also is very generous with bonuses, paying his top employees in banana creme pies and lower back massages. 

This next photo is Phil. Phil is a newspaper editor. Here he can be seen checking reading an advertisement that was placed perpendicularly to the text. He is not just literate, but extremely meticulous with his reading, often reading 50 articles before lunch, with only two percent of those making the final cut.

Our last smart ape is Bobby. He lives in Borneo and likes to go stick fishing. It is similar to spear fishing but less invasive to the fish. Bobby actually smacks the fish upside the head before catching them, thus stunning them. The typical spear fisherman causes irreparable bodily harm to the fish before catching it. Good job Bobby.

Best Onion Moments

This story about monkeys is probably my all time favorite.



What the little girls says at the end is wonderfully quotable.



I never leave home without one.



I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited for the sequel.

Talking about the Issues: Monkey Touching to Utensil Violence

This is a great video clip from a live show the Flight of the Conchords did in New York City. And it brings up some very sensitive and important issues. For one, monkey touching - when is it okay? Is it a new pandemic? And how can it be stopped? Another one: Why are kids calling each other names like 'Jork'? What is a Jork? And then of course the most serious issue: utensil violence. We use them every day, and now they have become a ubiquitous tool in gang fights and even simple domestic disputes like "Why did you drink my milk?" or "Why don't you ever look at me when you tell me you love me?"I'd like to start with the monkey touching issue. I've heard new statistics from some very reputable journals that say monkey touching is on the rise. In some zoos, like the famous Bronx Zoo, and even the world famous San Diego Zoo, strange bald patches are showing up on their monkeys. It seems to be more frequent with Spider monkeys and Tamarins, but zoo keepers are concerned for all of their primates. The public is divided on the issue with some people claiming that the monkeys invite the touching with their provocative howling and throwing of feces. Others believe the monkeys are being victimized. I for one and ambivalent to monkey touching. It just seems to be another way of self-expression, and I'm not going to weigh in on who touched who first.

The second issue is equally interesting, if not a little more disconcerting. As many of us are well aware, American English vernacular has been spiraling for years now. If I were to say that there was a paucity or dearth of refinement in vocabulary and word selection, it would be an understatement, and, most people would not even know what I was saying. This ties in with the trend of young kids calling one another 'jork.' Jork, as most people know, is just an unintended spelling error of the word 'jerk' which was perpetuated in online chat rooms and on instant messenger because no one knew any better. However, jork has been given a life of its own. It can also mean "someone who likes to drown bags full of cats in the Seine" or "someone who likes their toast done only on one side and becomes introverted and sadomasochistic if they don't get it just right" or "someone who eats decomposing leaves." So, as you might have guessed, calling someone a jork is indeed very unflattering. And, in many cases, leads to domestic abuse in the form of utensil violence.
This last issue of utensil violence is probably the most boggling of all the trends. Some criminals who ordinarily would have preferred a hand gun or a switch blade have turned to knives, forks, spoons, and the occasional spork to carry out their misdeeds. Some believe that this is happening more and more due to the current economic climate. With rising unemployment, businesses going broke, and weapons prices going up, criminals and would-be criminals have had to scale down their budgets and use the more accessible and primal tools that they find in the silverware drawer. The results are mixed, with some criminals and angry spouses reporting that they are satisfied with kitchen utensil performance during violent acts, swearing they'll "never go back to guns," and others saying they felt emasculated and even debased having to use a spork to rob a bank or keep a sibling in line. The climate of violence and abuse is changing, in some big ways. As utensil violence becomes more everyday, the risk of Tetanus, Lock-jaw, and not being able to pass through metal detectors due to lodged utensils increases.
All of these issues are important. I hope it has cleared up any misconceptions. Now the choice of what to do with this information is up to you. Or as Captain Planet said:
"The Power is YOURS!"

Freckled People Taking Over the World

Freckled people are taking over the world. They have been plotting it for years now. After centuries of oppression and such painful and caustic expressions like "red-headed stepchild" to the deformed creature Caliban in Shakespeare's The Tempest, referred to as a "freckled whelp," they have finally come back for vengeance. Here are some pictures of their leaders:

Molly Ringwald from the Breakfast Club

Carrot Top

Conan O'Brien

Ron Howard

Julianne Moore

Lindsay Lohan

And you know that Carrot Top and Lohan are the ring leaders. Scared yet?

BYU taken over by muppets

I had to post this. It's an email I just got from BYU:

You have an important new message in your BYU Financial Center. You can navigate to the Financial Center as follows - BYU Home Page > RouteY > School > My Financial Center. PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL MESSAGE, as it will not be seen nor read by a human. If you have questions or concerns, please send a message through your "Message Center" in "My Financial Center".

Apparently, if I respond to the email "it will not be seen nor read by a human." Well then, who might be reading it? Monkeys? Aliens? Transformers? Who am I really paying tuition to BYU? Has the entire University been taken over by muppets (again)?

Well, maybe that's an upgrade.

December 18th: A day in Pictures

Today I am posting a bunch of random pictures. Some might be weird, funny, stupid or all of the above. Enjoy:

First Section - Weird/Crazy People:

Yikes. Baby mad.

I don't even know.

You all remember this episode (It could happen to any of us).

Great Wig.

French kissing your pet chameleon (totally your prerogative)

And now the section of random monkeys:

That one monkey seems genuinely concerned about the other's obesity problem.

This monkey wears glasses and sports a chain.

Section of random inanimate objects and bad signage:

Well that's unfortunate (and it was ironically David Beckham's car)

This tree looks a lot like a woman (tree nymph maybe).

Thank you for the warning.

I really don't know what to say.

A lego version of Stephen Hawking

Soon to be my favorite book.

The cat section:

Sucker.

Hahaha. Life as we know it is over.