Iron Man

The time has come to save the world. MJ tried and failed. Greenpeace tried and failed. The UN tried and failed. Who is left?

Iron Man.

He is our only hope, because, as we all know, Obe-wan-kenobi isn't real. However Robert Downey Jr. is clearly alive and well. Sure, a former drug addict might seem an unlikely savior, but he is still Iron Man. And that suit is awesome. And, what is it that makes Iron Man so awesome? His superior intellect. He is the best superhero because he can create just about anything, from anything, with his mind. I mean, who other than Iron Man could have built the suit he did while being held captive by terrorists? The answer is no one.

Iron Man 2 will be out in 2010. I'm stoked. The world will be saved. Soon.

Random Stories of Non-Laziness

Some of you might think to yourselves, "Man is that guy who writes the Satire Report lazy. He always wants his co-writers to fill in for him, and then decides to take an extended hiatus when Michael Jackson dies." Okay, maybe none of you were thinking that. Maybe you think it a lot (I mean, like every time MJ dies). Wait a second. I'm definitely not lazy. Some people only update their blogs once a month, or once a week. I do it almost daily. Emphasis on ALMOST. Ok. Random story time.

So I spent most of today making a little extra cash moving furniture, boxes, and pianos. Those of you who follow me on twitter know that. I'm sorry I'm repeating myself. I have also decided I will never become a professional mover. That piano was only a small one, but I could have easily been crushed or paralyzed. Fortunately I did not have to take it upstairs (only up and down from the truck and up and down a few front steps). But, maybe if I had professional mover gear I would've been able to save some of my strength (or back/shoulders/legs). Who knows? Movers probably. Oh, and I have now become more familiar with my friend Benjamin, so that's a plus.

But moving stuff wasn't enough. No. I decided to drive along the proposed bike route my Dad was plotting for some Boy Scouts. He printed out some directions from google maps, except they were only maps with a highlighted route, and as it turns out, did not show enough detail. Unfortunately I was the co-pilot, and so we took quite a few detours. Fortunately, one such detour took us by some pygmy horses (not ponies, my mother corrected me), and another detour got us all some slim jims and an odd assortment of nuts. My favorite detour, however, involved McDonald's. They have angus burgers now. And, I've found that other than being larger, they taste the same. McDonald's fail. But, it's McDonald's, so I guess I shouldn't have expected Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.

Ok, random stories over. Random pictures begin:

Well, you have to weigh them sometime.

Merman! Merman!

Every day man. Every day.

Without me it's only 'aweso'.

You can hear it just by looking at the picture.

Move over Dwight Howard (in some places this might be considered abuse - just like Obama swatting that fly).

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett Dead.

Wow. Today has been a day of loss for American culture. The King of Pop, Michael Jackson died a little after 3:00pm PST. And, earlier today, former Charlie's Angels star Farrah Fawcett lost her long battle with cancer. 

The greater shock is about Michael's death. He was fifty and died of a sudden cardiac arrest, found in his home by one of his houseworkers. Details are sparse, but it is definitely a shock, as he was preparing for a huge comeback tour this summer.

Rest in peace both of you. Today we lost two great icons (regardless of your personal view of them). Their contributions to American, (and even world) culture were indeed great.

Swine Flu: Run for your life!

OMG! It's the swine flu! I'm so scared. I mean I spend most of my time in Mexico rolling around in the mud with pigs and cutting deals with rural pig farmers. It's almost as bad as the West Nile virus that killed hundreds of crows across the US. But it's not quite as bad as the avian flu that killed many Chinese chickens and caused thousands to be slaughtered by the government in the worst chicken holocaust since KFC was founded.

The authorities are cracking down.

But they're having some fun too.

The swine flu is worse than AIDS. At least people got AIDS from monkeys. I mean, I know it's an ethical question that no one wants to talk about, but is it better to touch monkeys or pigs? Perhaps Michael Jackson has an answer. I like monkeys better, but that's just a personal preference. There are a lot of sick pig obsessed whack jobs out there.

I know what you're going to say. "But these people didn't get it from getting jiggy with pigs. Pigs are just genetically similar to humans and so the disease was easily communicable." I'm not buying it. Sounds like something a pig lover would say.