IBM is not Smarter.

The IBM "smarter" commercials are ironically stupid. Why? Because I have never (to this point in my life anyway) met a smart energy grid, traffic light, toll system, tree, rock, or otherwise inanimate object. Yet somehow, IBM's magicians can make things with no sentient ability not just sentient, but smart.

But, I suppose that wouldn't be too hard to fathom from a magician (who used to make computers and is probably allergic to rabbits), except that they claim to make these inanimate things more than just smart, but smarter. Smarter grocery stores? Trains? Classrooms? Shipment? Smarter than what? When the one guy says "smarter water", it makes me want to buy some. Seriously. I would love water to think and be smarter. It doesn't need to be smarter than me, but smarter in general would be fine. Oh wait...there is already smart water. Sorry IBM. You missed the boat on that one.

And smarter medical records? I dunno man. I don't think that would be good. Imagine the mayhem. Not only do they have your health information on them, but they tell jokes about your health problems with witty sarcasm and sass. Or, they mess with you by showing your weight as 140 one day, then 210 the next. Or, maybe they grow legs, become "super-genius-schizophrenic-smart" and start to jump out of windows and burn themselves. Then what good are they?

What I would prefer is a smarter IBM. Or perhaps, a smarter IBM marketing strategy. Like maybe just saying: "Look man, we're IBM. We do stuff" or "IBM, the people that used to make computers, but now do mostly consultant work" or "The best part of waking up is IBM". All "smarter" alternatives that get the message across and are attractively self-depricating. That's a company I can get behind (and kick).

That Swedish lady freaks me out every time.

Smart Monkeys and Apes

As it turns out, monkeys are smarter than us. And apes are way beyond us. The proof is in the pudding. This chimp's name is Bart. He runs a grocery store that employs seven illegal immigrants and three high school kids. The incentives for employees are food fights on breaks, and finger painting for an hour two times a week. He also is very generous with bonuses, paying his top employees in banana creme pies and lower back massages. 

This next photo is Phil. Phil is a newspaper editor. Here he can be seen checking reading an advertisement that was placed perpendicularly to the text. He is not just literate, but extremely meticulous with his reading, often reading 50 articles before lunch, with only two percent of those making the final cut.

Our last smart ape is Bobby. He lives in Borneo and likes to go stick fishing. It is similar to spear fishing but less invasive to the fish. Bobby actually smacks the fish upside the head before catching them, thus stunning them. The typical spear fisherman causes irreparable bodily harm to the fish before catching it. Good job Bobby.

The Tonsils, Appendix, and Wisdom Teeth Conspiracy

I am a proud owner of both a set of tonsils, and one appendix. Unfortunately "they" took my wisdom teeth. This in part explains why my IQ has dropped from when I was a child. However, I am sure to be an anomaly. Many people have no tonsils, no appendices, and no wisdom teeth. And, given that the appendix is an organ that used to help us fly, and tonsils are remnants of a second set of teeth like in the Alien movies, and wisdom teeth used to activate previously unknown parts of the human brain, "they" are winning. 

But who are "they"? Some might have us believe that "they" are a clan of ninjas. Others might have us believe that "they" are black market organ/body part cartels. And still others might like us to think that "they" are the government. I'm inclined to think that's what "they" want us to think. The truth is probably much darker. Perhaps they are a black market ninja cartel that traffics useless organs and body parts and is propped up by the government. Which government you ask? Does it matter? Well, possibly. And it's probably the Venezuelans, ie: Chavez.

You might be asking yourself, "Why do I care about wisdom teeth, appendices, and tonsils?" Or perhaps you think that your doctor just took them out to save your life, all the while making an easy grand off your teeth, appendix or tonsils, making you dumber, less likely to ever fly on your own, and preventing you from taking over planet earth as an alien. Well I hate to say it, but it matters, and this issue is more pressing than you know.

I will cite some examples. My room mate had his appendix removed the first day of this semester. Then a friend of his thought she had to have her appendix removed too. It was like a virus. When I had my wisdom teeth removed my freshman year of college before I went to Brazil, the dentist said only one could have possibly caused trouble for me, but he took three. Then all of my other friends got their wisdom teeth out about the same time, with similar stories. Of course the dentist's cover is that he just wanted more money, which is true, but the dentists are making even more money on top of the money they charge per tooth. And who pays that money to them? "They". 

And, when the dentist said one of my wisdom teeth could have caused trouble, what did he mean? Was it trouble for me? Or trouble for "they"? You see, if I had kept my wisdom teeth I could probably have found out the master plan of "they". But "they" got to me first. Just like they got to my room mate, and to anyone else who gets their appendix removed. Did "they" think that we would mobilize an army of flying genius aliens and monopolize all the Citgo stations? Maybe. Maybe. 

At any rate, we're onto you Chavez.