Oh CUTE!

English is an interesting language.

Well, some people seem to think so anyway. And, I guess I fall into the category of "some people". But something that makes English so interesting is that it is a living language. It lives in the same way Frankenstein's monster does/did/I don't know if he's still alive. I say that because of how much it is driven by popular culture, vernacular, and is in essence a flowing amalgam of bits and pieces from many other languages and cultures beyond merely those of the British isles and places that were at once part of the British Empire. Ok, let's get to the point.

The word CUTE has become in a way, it's own sub-language. It's versatility is frighteningly unoriginal:

Here is the way in which it was at one point, and may sometimes still be used:

- That baby/puppy/halloween outfit* is CUTE.

*all terms can also be exchanged for butterfly wallpaper, floral arrangements, kittens, etc.


However, here is the way in which it is now used:

- He's CUTE. - (in reference to a boy/man - who should in fact never be considered cute, unless he looks like a puppy holding a floral arrangement while wearing a children's halloween costume - and in that case I believe the correct terminology would be FREAK. A man/boy used to be called attractive, handsome, good-looking, etc., but now, he has unfortunately been relegated to puppy status. If that were all, then no worries, but cute is a universal coverall as we shall see)

- That's so CUTE! - (when referring to any object that has a favorable color scheme or design, when one could just say, "I love those colors, such and such compliments the other, and/or that is a clever or creative way to use yellow and blue/pink and mint green/etc. and etc.)

- Oh what a CUTE sign! - (When the sign is actually not cute at all, bearing no resemblance to a newborn baby, puppy, and containing nothing resembling a kitten with a bib and pacifier. Most often the sign contains a clever turn of phrase, is witty, or is just cleverly being offensive while also subtly attempting to be innocuous)

- Oh CUTE! - (When referring to anything, ever, for any reason at all)

So there you have it. Is there a remedy for this generic way of describing things. Yes. Will anyone really make any concerted effort to come up with a more in depth way of evaluating their sentiments about people, places, and things that will avoid the temptation of cute's simplicity? Probably not dude. I mean dude. Really dude? Dude.

Alternative Uses for Health Food

Here are some great uses for "health food":

Celery - Good decoration with flowers

Rice cakes - Make great coasters, and unlike bread, it is already hard without having to toast it

Flax cereal - Bricks and other sturdy construction materials can be made of your bi-products after consumption

Buckwheat - Can be used to stuff bean bags and pillows

Amaranth - Good replacement for quicksand in an obstacle course or slow torture for James Bond

Carrots - Make fabulous snowman noses

Beats - Can permanently stain your hands

Sea Salt - Great for babies

A Sentimental Goodbye

So I suppose it's time to wax sentimental. Today I leave Provo, Utah. It's certainly not the first time I've done it, but this time it's for good (as far as I know). And, as usual, it's somewhat of a bittersweet farewell. I've learned a lot here. That is not an overstatement, and does not include my college experience, that, on the whole was pretty informative too. I've met great people, done many stupid things, many smart things, had some adventures, heartbreaks, backbreaks, disputes, discords, reconciliations, and intimate moments. It's been good (Now that's an understatement).

It really didn't hit me until this morning. I got out of the shower and my room mate said, "I may never see you. I wrote you a note." It was short and light-hearted, and yes, it did include what I owed him for last months utilities, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he wrote it. I've been in and heard of too many situations where a departure from a house or apartment is anticlimactic, as in, they leave on a flight or drive away while their room mates are still sleeping. Or, they leave and no one cares. Well, it's nice to know someone cares. And last night some friends took me out to dinner for a bon voyage party. I went out with some old freshman year buddies for lunch. I had one last hurrah hiking/camping trip with some friends down in Zion National Park over the weekend. I feel good about the culmination of way to many years here.

However, there are of course people who are probably not so sad to see me go. I've been, and still am at times stubborn, inflammatory, blunt, petty, lazy, forgetful, uncaring, aloof, etc. (and so much more). To those who I have hurt, defamed, or otherwise destroyed, I apologize. I never intended to do harm to anyone (unless I did - that is, in that case that you messed with my friends or family). On the other hand, I think, in many ways I have been helpful to people with good words of advice and encouragement, providing perspective and hope. I have always cared for people big and small, and gone out of my way to make their lives a little happier. I realize I'm not dead yet, but I try to live each day so that when I leave this world the world will hopefully shed a tear or two instead of just throwing a massive celebration at my departure. I will miss my friends here (but I also encourage them to finish up here and get on with life elsewhere). Provo has been a great place to grow, but thank goodness it's not the only place.

At this point of the sentimental post I'm going to list some memorable moments:

1. Getting arrested and thrown in jail in Eureka, Nevada
2. The first surf trip to Morro Bay (with my two friends who were 6' 3" and 6' 5")
3. Breaking off my engagement
4. The second surf trip to Morro Bay (with both friends being 6' 1")
5. Going over several layers of management to get my refund on my engagement ring
6. The third surf trip to Morro Bay and on down to San Diego (hitting Ventura and LA beaches) - good food the whole trip
7. Getting accused of being a stalker by Mall security
8. Surfing in LA/San Diego (burned some bridges and the car was killed by a metrosexual)
9. Hiking in Zion freshman year and getting kicked out of the park at night
10. Going to my grandparents for Thanksgiving every year for the past couple years
11. Driving from Exeter, CA to Duxbury, MA, wasting 1300+ miles just getting out of CA, then driving nearly 41 hours straight from Sacramento to Duxbury with only an hour rest in an Indiana rest stop
12. Homecoming freshman year. We went to an Italian place and the Mahi mahi was dry and my stomach didn't fare so well in the bathroom later, but I did learn some Italian while in there
13. Going to endless senior recitals with delicious food and good friends
14. Hiking up past the Y two times, and both times being halted by snow drifts
15. Hiking Mount Timpanogos a few times, mostly freshman year
16. Getting my car towed at least 5 times in the course of maybe a month or two, also getting 8 parking tickets on campus (mostly 5 minutes before it was OK for me to park in the spot)
17. Going to many football, volleyball, soccer, lacrosse, and basketball games with friends
18. Many late night runs to Wendy's, Arby's, or some other unhealthy place to eat
19. Traveling to most of California's National and State Parks in May of last year (also dropping by my family's cabin northeast of Yosemite)
20. Going out to the cabin with two friends (enjoying the 4th of July in Bridgeport, Bodie, hotsprings, and fresh mountain air)
21. Getting a friend of mine to pay for my sandwich at the Cougar Eat and then regifting it in his sink later
22. Cross-Country Skiing at Aspen Grove
23. Foundations of Leadership at Aspen Grove (I am only in contact with one of those people)
24. A recent surf trip from Morro Bay and Pismo up to San Francisco with friends
25. Zion National Park this past weekend
26. Test driving an Audi TT, a Mazda 6, the new Accord, and some other cars down Provo Canyon (always telling the attendant I was going to buy a car in the near future)
27. Going down to Vegas to give my abandoned car to a tow company guy who didn't speak english and then seeing the shark exhibit at Mandalay Bay
28. Catching 9 straight shrimp in my mouth at Asuka two years ago for Valentine's Day
29. Rafting on the Provo river
30. Getting asked by every new person who ever came by my house if I surfed and why I had surfboards in Utah
31. Going to the gym with two of my good friends almost all the time I lived here
32. Cooking interesting dishes from Brazil, Italy, or my head
33. Getting in only one really long term relationship and having way too many flings (not all regrettable might I add)
34. Holding Gladiatorial games in the backyard last summer
35. Breaking my hand sledding at Rock Canyon Park
36. Getting diagnosed with mid-thoracic back pain syndrome brought on by lack of sleep and stress (this diagnosis was preferable to the one saying I had a collapsed lung)
37. Draining the lizard for four minutes straight after a late night at some crazy girl's apartment
38. Being way to graphic and unnecessary in my descriptions all the time to make certain people (prudes) uncomfortable
39. Going to a lot of general conference sessions at the Conference Center and at great peoples' houses
40. Going running with a good friend of mine infrequently, but always with great intensity

Forty was way more than I thought I would write. There are of course a lot more, but some are more private, and the ones I listed omitted names, and interesting details. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed my reflection. I'm now going to post some random and irrelevant pictures.

The Bill Withers Omnibus

Here's probably one of the best songs you will hear today. I would argue ever. And, before I get too tangential, with some talk about chicken, hay, stimulus bills, or some the revenge of the nerds, I'm going to break it down. Now I do not profess to have anywhere near the ability of Bill Withers, but I want to assault your ability to read with a little abruptly disarming writing. I'm not a song writer, but my voice is not bad and I can play the cello, but, generally speaking that doesn't prove to be the best blog fodder. What does, at least for this blog, is satire, random issues, lists, crazy pictures, videos, and absurd pronouncements. Today I hope to quench that thirst for carefully articulated absurdity.

Today I will address several issues. Call it an omnibus post.

The first issue is how men and women speak. Yes it's hilarious to hear grown men who look huge say something, and then you realize they sound like they belong in the Vienna Boy's Choir. It is also equally disarming and scary (in a different way) to hear petite women with huge Bertha-esque pipes. But that is not the speaking I intend to speak (or write) about. No, I am going to talk about how men tend to be very visceral and detailed in their descriptions of women, while women tend to be very vague and purposely elusive when they describe men.

The reasons for this come down to differences in how men and women see, and are taught to see the world. When a woman describes a man, she tends to say, "He's cute," or, "He's nice," or something equally non-descript like, "He wears nice shirts." Now, this may not be the way all women describe every man, and indeed many women can be very descriptive, but on the whole, most of their vocalizations at least, tend to be mundane, and general. This is because women are taught to value men for their ambition, brains, wit, and things other than physical appearance (or, at the very least, pretend that that's all they care about).

The truth is, women are very concerned with looks as are men. But, maybe on the whole not so concerned as men. That has to do with our culture. Women are significantly more objectified than men. So men, on the other hand are extremely visceral (visually oriented) in their observations about women. A man will say uncouthly "She's got a tight butt," or "I like a woman with curves," or "Her lips are luscious." While some, if not all of these comments probably lack a great deal of tact in most situations, they are certainly more descriptive. And, although it certainly objectifies women, the men saying them are not entirely to blame.

In many instances, women have themselves to blame. Some can say they are driven to wear skimpy clothes by society and culture, and that it is too hard to find modest clothing that is fashionable, but when it comes down to it, it is a choice. However, and this may be where I raise the most ire, while I think men should be more careful with how they say things, I do not think they should be any less descriptive. And, on top of that I wish women were. While no one wants to be thoroughly diagnosed on his or her body image without any modicum of tact or censor (because we are in general fairly disparaging of ourselves without other people's help), being more to the point is nice.

For instance, if you've been working out at the gym for a while and have made noticeable improvements in your abdominal region or with your arms, legs or pectoral muscles, it is nice to feel legitimately validated. A guy is much more likely directly pin point another guy's calves and say, "Your calves are super toned, you're a beast," than a girl would be. So I guess if there's any lesson to be learned from this hopefully informative diagnosis, it is that men need to temper their descriptions a bit, and women need to be more descriptive. I don't care if he's "cute" "nice" or "fun." You haven't said anything about him.

Ok. Next issue.

Your versus you're. The first is a possessive pronoun. The second is a contraction combining the words 'you' and 'are.' Hopefully I am getting a resounding "duh" from those reading at this point. Unfortunately, while many may say "duh," even some of the smartest, and funniest people I know confuse the two, along with there, they're, and their, and all of those others. Now it's okay to flub up every now and then (the mafia will not kill you - right away anyway), but if it is a consistent problem I'm not about to blame public schools, although, I can.

When I see things written online like, "Your stupid" I laugh, wince, and then cry. I just cannot get over the irony. Here's a person making a declarative statement to in essence "put someone in their place" by calling them stupid, but in the same sentence, are sentencing themselves to the same stupidity. As soon as I see some response like that to anything I write online I really do not feel any need to respond. They have responded for me. But, as much as I relish in it, I really don't. It's painful. Like 'nails on a chalkboard,' 'passing a kidney stone,' 'having Jack Bauer torture me' painful.

And here's the last issue: Balloon animals, Babies, and cats. Why are they so funny?

December 18th: A day in Pictures

Today I am posting a bunch of random pictures. Some might be weird, funny, stupid or all of the above. Enjoy:

First Section - Weird/Crazy People:

Yikes. Baby mad.

I don't even know.

You all remember this episode (It could happen to any of us).

Great Wig.

French kissing your pet chameleon (totally your prerogative)

And now the section of random monkeys:

That one monkey seems genuinely concerned about the other's obesity problem.

This monkey wears glasses and sports a chain.

Section of random inanimate objects and bad signage:

Well that's unfortunate (and it was ironically David Beckham's car)

This tree looks a lot like a woman (tree nymph maybe).

Thank you for the warning.

I really don't know what to say.

A lego version of Stephen Hawking

Soon to be my favorite book.

The cat section:

Sucker.

Hahaha. Life as we know it is over.

Let's have babies!

I read a story today from Gloucester, Massachusetts. 17 high school girls no older than 16 plotted to get pregnant and raise the children together.

Usually the school has about 4 pregnancies a year (which to me is absurd), but this year the number was quite a bit beyond that (clearly). And, if that weren't enough, one of the fathers was a homeless man. Unfortunately, this story isn't a joke. But, it left me wondering why.

Here's the answer: The girls claim to want to be loved unconditionally. So, they have babies?! Apparently they weren't thinking about waking up at 3am to feed the baby. Apparently they forgot about having to change diapers, going to the hospital when the baby eats a bottle of tylenol, or some of the other gloriously loving things babies do. Then I think about it the other way. If they are looking to receive unconditional love, are they prepared to give it? They have now put themselves in positions that prevent the children they carry from having a stable home to grow up in, with a father and the type of monetary and psychological support that a more mature mother or family could provide.

But hey, at least they have the unconditional love of a disenfranchised baby.