EXTREME TEXTING! LOL WTF. TTYL.

We live in a world of extremes. Extreme temperatures, extreme politics, and of course, extreme sports. But there is a way to become part of the extreme fun without going inside a volcano, fomenting an insurrection, or doing a 1080 on a riding lawnmower while jumping a tank of alligators.

How?

Extreme texting.

Not to be confused with extreme ironing.

No, I don't mean texting from your car while driving on the interstate (not extreme, just dumb). Neither do I mean sending texts from outer space. No. If you want to be an extreme texter you have to think outside of the box. Beyond 160 characters. Beyond human. For instance, let's say you wanted to involve space travel while texting. Well, no one cares if you send a text from space, but if you send a monkey or an overweight orangutan to text from the moon, that is extreme.

Becoming a zombie, and then texting is not extreme, especially if you work at Best Buy.

The possibilities don't end there though. You could also text from inside the belly of a shark. How? Figure it out. This is not rocket surgery. You could also text while doing a contortionist stunt while being launched out a torpedo tube on a submarine. And if that doesn't float your boat, then create the world's largest cruise ship/cell phone (ie: a cell phone that is also a cruise ship or vice versa) then become a jet pilot and launch missles at the keypad so that it sends a message to your grandma in Pocatello.

Texting while squatting on a manhole cover and eating icecream is pretty extreme (especially once the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jump out and surprise her with some pizza)

Yeah. Sweeeeet.

Shark Surfing

Sure, you've heard of surfers having run ins with sharks. You've seen their mangled legs and huge scars. You've heard the horror stories. But there are always some surfers that manage to stay above the shark infested fray. Instead of surfing each day against the odds, in a wait to become bait (shark bait, not jail bait), some surfers have decided to harness the shark for better surfing. No longer is he foe, but a willing friend. Together, the shark gives the surfer a good ride, and the shark gets a nice meal.
In this article from the Sun, you can find out more about this man's successful shark surf.

Shark surfing hopes to become to be a lasting new sport, and if this man's ride was any indication, the future looks bright. Shark surfing hopes to open up entirely new markets and new demographics. For those who live near the ocean, but have infrequent, or paltry waves, a quick shark tow could prove the catalyst for another surf haven. For those who like sharks, or extreme thrill seeking, this is a great opportunity for them as well. And, the basic tools needed for shark surfing are basic.

Here's a shark surfer's kit:

2-10 pounds of bloody meat
1 decent salt water fishing pole
1 surfboard
1 crazy daredevil who laughs in the face of death

After getting past the breaks, the surfer must cast his line out with the meat in hopes of catching a shark. Once the shark latches on, the surfer must then position himself to ride, as if he were riding the Pipeline, all the while holding the rod steadily. After a sufficiently exhilarating ride, the surfer must then drop the pole or cut the line and surf back to shore. Piece of cake.

Dolphins Declare War on US!

It was only a matter of time. After years of oppression at Sea World, on movies, on TV shows the world's dolphins have finally reached the breaking point. At 8:30am EST today the world's dolphin population declared war on the United States, and specifically any current and former employees of Sea World or Flipper, the 60s TV show. While such a move has been anticipated for years among naval experts at Annapolis, it always seemed like it would always be put off for another day if the dolphins were placated with enough free fish. However, as expected, the world's manatees and dugongs have remained neutral. 

The official declaration of war was sent in morse code to a nuclear submarine off the coast of California. The most up to date translation currently available says:

"Former human masters, today is the last day of your aquatic dominance. We will no longer protect you from sea mines, or save your dumb surfers from sharks. We will no longer jump through flaming hoops or balance balls on our noses. Save that for the seals. Today we declare all out war on the United States, and don't expect the manatees to help you... "

After the main message, some unintended dialogue seemed to come through as well:

"I know Phil, but I'm still upset about that halibut, it wasn't fresh. Don't tell me I'm being rash... those balls were the generic Walmart brand kind. It popped on my face. It was humiliating."

Fisherman from Nova Scotia to the Florida Keys have spotted dolphins giving them 'the fin' which is apparently equivalent to a human giving another human "the bird". Also, on several boats with glass bottoms in the Caribbean, dolphins have been spotted blocking the view of passengers and sticking barnacles and squid guts to the glass.

Dr. Salonkey, a dolphin expert at the University of Miami explained their behavior:

"Dolphins are usually quite playful, but can also have a mean streak. Fortunately for us, I don't think dolphins really know what war means. The worst they might do is shove you off your surfboard or steal a scuba diver's flipper. And, I can empathize with them. I hate balancing balls on my nose, but my kids tell me to do it all the time."

The US response has been swift. The Defense Department has advised all Sea World employees stay away from the beach, and take two weeks off of work. The US Navy has formed a blockade with aircraft carriers off the coast of San Diego and off the coast of Norfolk in preparation for the dolphin onslaught. In a skirmish at 10:00am EST near Ocean City Maryland, a coast guard station lost two rubber dinghies and several cones. 

Some experts say this will be a quick war while others are bracing themselves for a long drawn out struggle. Only time will tell.

We lose a dear friend: The Jaws' Shark

Tragedy has struck the people of Martha's Vineyard this afternoon as their beloved Great White shark, of the Jaws movie series fame, met his unfortunate demise. It was hardest for those who knew him best.

Richard Dreyfuss and Roy Schneider, who played alongside one another and worked with the shark in the blockbuster movies called the Mayor of the island with their condolences. 

The beautiful animal was found floating on his side just a mile from Aquinnah public beach. After an autopsy and inquiry was done it was discovered that he had choked on a baby seal. 

"Those baby seals seem to invade the water this time of year. They're a real health risk if you ask me. I'm hoping the town enacts a law to legalize more [seal] clubbing," said Joe Sharpipo of Fuller Street. 

It seems the seals are attracted to the island because of its plentiful fisheries and nice beaches. Some neighbors have complained that the seals have woken them up with their barking early in the morning. Others have claimed that their cars have been vandalized with seaweed.

"They're more than a nuisance. They've become a plague. And now this. This is the last straw. They killed our shark. Those seals have no shame," says Margaret Hosenbothom.

As Martha's Vineyard mourns, the firestorm the seals have caused has led to high tensions among the town's folk. Just this morning, a man who advertises for a water park in nearby Buzzard's Bay wearing a seal costume, was repeatedly assaulted by billy clubs and shillelaghs. The perpetrators have not been apprehended, but were reportedly screaming unintelligible gaelic swears and wore seal scalp necklaces. 

Here's a tribute.