Oh, of Course.

Here are some phrases that in hindsight, may not have been necessary:

"I'm not perfect"

What? I think you are. You have never made a mistake. You a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually flawless. They are erecting a statue of you next to the Dome of the Rock as we speak. You are so modest. Here's a video game for you:

"I don't like to lose"

That's weird. I love it. Losing is the best. It's my favorite. Winning sucks. I can't see why you don't like losing. It's so cool. Everyone loves a loser right?

"I like the smell of skunk"

Well don't we all? I mean really. Who doesn't like a good whiff of skunk? I keep one with me at all times. They make great pets. Just go to these websites: Skunksaspets, Skunk Haven or Here is the reason you're a freak.

Being a writer is a great way to get ladies

Today we begin with a quote. A quote that is more true than any other ever said. Even more true than Rene Descartes' "I think therefore I am". The quote is from Saul Bellow:

"All a writer has to do to get a woman is say he's a writer. It's an aphrodisiac."

Let me start by saying I have that quote on my facebook favorite quotes part of my bio. But that does not make it any less true. While many people consider themselves writers, there are only a few that are truly writers in the sense that Bellow means. A blog you might say, does not qualify someone as a writer. That might very well be true by itself in the same way that someone who writes a book, or pens a poem, is not necessarily a writer.

Why? Well, from my experience, most literate people can write, and do so to prove it from time to time. Some people are prolifically terrible at it, while others are secretly Shakespearian geniuses. I do not profess to be either, yet, I also don't profess to be a muddler who sits on the unenviable stool of mediocrity, unwilling to grovel with the commoners, but not tall enough to reach the stars. That being said, let's get to the meat of it. Why are writers (the real ones) so sexy?

Well, I tend to think it comes from their ability to express things in unique ways. They open up new worlds to us. They create fantasies, visions, and elucidate our aspirations and fears. They take us up and down through a whirlwind of words and thought showing us man's depravity and his capacity for excellence. But on the other hand, they're just innately better (I'm not going to prove that, just take it at face value).

Writers are subject to the same passions, vulnerabilities, lapses of judgment, and bouts of depression as anyone else. Perhaps even more so. And, perhaps because they are so often so close to the precipice women feel they can love them. Here today gone tomorrow. They live life through the pen and see things that others don't. But, you don't have to commit yourself to a writer. I suppose in a way you can't. A writer is only committed to his writing (a good one anyway). But doesn't that make writers a one trick pony? No. writing is not limited to itself. It envelopes everything else. It absorbs every follicle, dust mite, or great expanse that it wants. And, for any writer to articulate himself well, he needs to know it, see it, be it. His mind is a prism and the world is redefined through it. But just as the mind reinvents the world, both the world and the mind are catalysts depending on the moment.

But now for the real reason writers are so great. They are generally not the most amazing physical specimens, but yet, they offer a beauty that far surpasses the physical. And, if they are attractive people, their artful ability to paint the sky with words wraps them with a metaphorical Armani suit, complete with some fabulous cologne. 

I don't even need to make the suggestion that ladies should go after the writer. The ladies come to him. 

Nothing Happened!

Today, shocker of all shockers, nothing happened. While you probably find it hard to believe, nothing finally happened. Some will argue that it is not possible for "nothing" to "happen", but defiantly it did. For at least today nothing defied the odds and did something. Something however, is not married to nothing, and they are not dating, or plan to date in the future. In fact, it is hard to explain, much less understand how nothing was able to do something, given that nothing has no gender, and neither does something. It is also interesting to note that 'to happen' is also something, so it might be fair to say that nothing did something and happen as well, or that something and happen are the same thing but for some reason have a split personality.

Nothing happened. 

Unflappable

There are a few words in the english language that have a habit of not making much sense. By that I mean, they look, sound, or just seem to mean something entirely different from what they actually turn out to mean. The prime example for today is the word 'unflappable.'

Here's what one might think 'unflappable' means:

1. One who cannot be flapped

2. The opposite of flappable (without flaps)

3. Not origami friendly

But no, unflappable has to mean something seemingly unrelated to its root:

un·flap·pa·ble
Pronunciation: \-ˈfla-pə-bəl\
Function: adjective
Etymology: 1un- + 1flap (state of excitement) + -able
Date: 1954
: marked by assurance and self-control
Of course, unflappability has to do with assurance and self-control. Because everyone knows ducks, geese, and most waterfowl and other winged animals have absolutely no assurance of themselves, much less self-control. But what does that say for Cupid?

Talking about the Issues: Monkey Touching to Utensil Violence

This is a great video clip from a live show the Flight of the Conchords did in New York City. And it brings up some very sensitive and important issues. For one, monkey touching - when is it okay? Is it a new pandemic? And how can it be stopped? Another one: Why are kids calling each other names like 'Jork'? What is a Jork? And then of course the most serious issue: utensil violence. We use them every day, and now they have become a ubiquitous tool in gang fights and even simple domestic disputes like "Why did you drink my milk?" or "Why don't you ever look at me when you tell me you love me?"I'd like to start with the monkey touching issue. I've heard new statistics from some very reputable journals that say monkey touching is on the rise. In some zoos, like the famous Bronx Zoo, and even the world famous San Diego Zoo, strange bald patches are showing up on their monkeys. It seems to be more frequent with Spider monkeys and Tamarins, but zoo keepers are concerned for all of their primates. The public is divided on the issue with some people claiming that the monkeys invite the touching with their provocative howling and throwing of feces. Others believe the monkeys are being victimized. I for one and ambivalent to monkey touching. It just seems to be another way of self-expression, and I'm not going to weigh in on who touched who first.

The second issue is equally interesting, if not a little more disconcerting. As many of us are well aware, American English vernacular has been spiraling for years now. If I were to say that there was a paucity or dearth of refinement in vocabulary and word selection, it would be an understatement, and, most people would not even know what I was saying. This ties in with the trend of young kids calling one another 'jork.' Jork, as most people know, is just an unintended spelling error of the word 'jerk' which was perpetuated in online chat rooms and on instant messenger because no one knew any better. However, jork has been given a life of its own. It can also mean "someone who likes to drown bags full of cats in the Seine" or "someone who likes their toast done only on one side and becomes introverted and sadomasochistic if they don't get it just right" or "someone who eats decomposing leaves." So, as you might have guessed, calling someone a jork is indeed very unflattering. And, in many cases, leads to domestic abuse in the form of utensil violence.
This last issue of utensil violence is probably the most boggling of all the trends. Some criminals who ordinarily would have preferred a hand gun or a switch blade have turned to knives, forks, spoons, and the occasional spork to carry out their misdeeds. Some believe that this is happening more and more due to the current economic climate. With rising unemployment, businesses going broke, and weapons prices going up, criminals and would-be criminals have had to scale down their budgets and use the more accessible and primal tools that they find in the silverware drawer. The results are mixed, with some criminals and angry spouses reporting that they are satisfied with kitchen utensil performance during violent acts, swearing they'll "never go back to guns," and others saying they felt emasculated and even debased having to use a spork to rob a bank or keep a sibling in line. The climate of violence and abuse is changing, in some big ways. As utensil violence becomes more everyday, the risk of Tetanus, Lock-jaw, and not being able to pass through metal detectors due to lodged utensils increases.
All of these issues are important. I hope it has cleared up any misconceptions. Now the choice of what to do with this information is up to you. Or as Captain Planet said:
"The Power is YOURS!"

Word of the Day: Utensil

Word of the day: Utensil

uten·sil
Pronunciation:
\yu̇-ˈten(t)-səl, ˈyü-ˌ\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English, vessels for domestic use, from Middle French utensile, from Latin utensilia, from neuter plural of utensilis useful, from uti to use
Date:
14th century
1 : an implement, instrument, or vessel used in a household and especially a kitchen
2 : a useful tool or implement

When I hear utensil, it sounds like a slur or a put down. It's like "You Tensil!" And, I have no idea what tensil means, but it sure sounds vicious.

Another thing about utensil is how it's overused. It's like the use of the word utensil all of a sudden makes you an erudite sophisticate. For instance, you're sitting there in a class, or at work and you turn to a friend and say, "Do you by chance have a writing utensil?" You might as well be wearing a tuxedo rolling down the window of your stretch limo asking for grey poupon.

However, in another way, you can sound very utilitarian, economic, and even efficient when you say, "Would you please get out the utensils to set the table?" In that way, you use the word instead of silverware, which everyone knows is more posh and dignified.

Hope you enjoyed that rather unnecessary diagnosis. You Tensil!

Word Association

It's time for a little word association (an association of words founded upon the precept of word association):

sack - ajawea

rabbit - stew

melon - cholera

burnt - toast

hot - rod

Gandolf - stupid

Orson - pig

gumption - shut up

fickle - women

freckle - Irish

Amsterdam - weed

Kramer - rickshaw 

Nessie - friend

Montana - rugged

cramped - style

crypt - blood

David - gnome

indian - naked

smelt - dealt

egg - chicken 

satchel - paige

snow capped - candy

bubble - butt

special - needs

text - message

Ginasio - Encarnacion

That was fun. Now your turn:

grapes - 

Marfans - 

turgid - 

unkempt - 

jello - 

paradise - 

Mellencamp - 

ornery - 

old - 

fluffy - 

muggle - 

heckle - 

Possible answers: of wrath, syndrome, war, hair, mold, city, cholera, turtle, hag, bunny, hairy, lumps

For more fun watch this video.

You Aren't REALLY Listening.

Let me start off by making a glittering general statement and blanket coverall assumption like I have done so many times:

We all think we're pretty clear communicators.

Here's the reality:

We aren't.

Even the best of communicators struggle in some of the seemingly simplest situations. For great examples look at people's close relationships: Good friends and family. And what are the two things that make those situations hard? 

For one we don't just communicate with our words. We communicate with metamessages. For those of you who don't know what a metamessage is, it's the message we send to someone behind what we say. It can come in the form on inflection, body language, facial expressions, or implicit positions that the other party supposedly already knows about. And, it's obvious to see why that would tend to complicate things more often in a close relationship. Your close friends and family know you. They know your tendencies, opinions, attitudes, etc. And, while you might think that would help them understand you better, often times it just gets in the way with what you really want to say.

The second problem is intrinsically related to the first. Instead of focusing on what you're saying, or even allowing you to speak, a close friend or family member will "interpret" using what they believe you want to say, or what they believe you are thinking. This means that they take a position on what you've said before you've said it, or if you've said it, they aren't hearing what you said, but what they think you wanted to say.

So, having identified the problem in this part of the blog post you might expect me to give a remedy. Well, I don't have one. I could blather on about how we should temper our use of preconceived notions about close friends and family so we actually hear them, instead of hearing what we think they are saying, but there's no clean cut way to do that. I'm sure we're all going to run into brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, grandparents, in-laws, and friends who will not let us say our piece, and when we do say it, they will have thought we meant something else. That's just life. But, perhaps if you've found yourself with this problem, you can refer them to this post so they can at least identify that what they are doing, and maybe give you a fair shake. 

That being said. It's not just their problem. It's yours too. And mine.

PS - I sure hope my brother reads this.

Words can't describe it

I love when people say things like, "words can't describe my feelings," or "it goes without saying," because they are doing the exact opposite of what they're trying not to do. They are making a claim that words are inadequate to describe the situation, but then fall into the trap of describing this inadequacy with words. 

It reminds me of Nietzsche's claim that "There is no truth." 

Do you see the problem with that statement? Making a universal claim that there is no truth, is a universal claim of truth. The only difference is, his claim to truth is that it doesn't exist. However, it does exist in by saying it doesn't. 

I am not saying I am a follower of Nietzsche, nor am I saying that I believe all things can be described by language, but I think our attempts at showing our limitations funny, even ironic.

English Diction

We as Americans, users of the english language, perhaps too often take it for granted. Some of us think of it as a slut or a mongrel because it adopts so many foreign words. Some might think it lazy not to come up with some words of its own. However, whether you like it or not, english is what we speak. It's true that it adopts a lot of words, but over 4,000 new words and uses are added to the Oxford English Dictionary every year. So while it may seem slutty, it gets the job done.

Here are some examples of adopted words: croissant, bureau, lasagna, schmuck, and garage

Some people deliberately anglicize many of these words, but in the instance with bureau and garage, it becomes difficult to do without getting strange looks from people. So here's a different take on the english language: It's flexible, versatile, and it is fairly easy to become conversational in it. Now, I don't believe it's easy to speak and write correctly (to be contrary to the thoughts of so many people), but you can learn it well enough, in a short enough period of time, to function efficiently in an english-speaking country.