Writing with My Left Hand

Well, it's true. As promised, I am typing this entire post with only my left hand. I suppose it just makes it more interesting (read 'more of a hassle') for me to do it, and really makes no difference to you, given that there is no noticeable difference to you the reader. However, the probability of anyone caring that I do this is low. But then again, the probability that I care about that probability is zero. That is why I generally don't listen to anything said by a person speaking to me who says, "The probability of...happening is..." because I just don't care.

Here are some pictures:

I will karate chop you!

Silly hat, dogs are for kids.

Of course, the bathroom design hat! Why didn't I think of that?

That's how we do it Mr. Cleese.

This rabbit is Scottish.

Ha. So true.

Cats suck.

Having recently cleaned up the sun porch where the family cat lives, I have come to the conclusion that I will not buy a cat. The room was full of so much cat dander, cat hair, hidden fur balls, puke, and dead rotting mice carcasses, that I nearly lost my lunch, and at one point or another, my will to live. Who ever said cats are clean is a liar. Sure, maybe they keep themselves clean, but that's it. That is why I will at some point get a dog instead of a cat (probably when I move out of my parents' basement).

This will be my dog:

One of the Best Speeches Ever Given

This is probably one of the best speeches ever given. It also is very quotable. "Dogs and cats living together...MASS HYSTERIA!" and the oh so memorable, "Yes, it's true, this man has no dick."

Rain Funnies

So it's raining today in Provo, so I decided to share some funny rain pictures, images, etc. I took some of them from ihasahotdog.com and icanhascheezburger.com and the rest I found.

Nice. He's so happy.

Brilliant.

I loved this one.

I always wondered the same thing.

Sad.

Why is it animals are so funny in the rain?

Some cat owner has serious issues.

This could be you jeep owners. Make sure you clearance is as high as your cajones are big.

Is Your Cat a Pirate?

This commercial is classic:

The Bill Withers Omnibus

Here's probably one of the best songs you will hear today. I would argue ever. And, before I get too tangential, with some talk about chicken, hay, stimulus bills, or some the revenge of the nerds, I'm going to break it down. Now I do not profess to have anywhere near the ability of Bill Withers, but I want to assault your ability to read with a little abruptly disarming writing. I'm not a song writer, but my voice is not bad and I can play the cello, but, generally speaking that doesn't prove to be the best blog fodder. What does, at least for this blog, is satire, random issues, lists, crazy pictures, videos, and absurd pronouncements. Today I hope to quench that thirst for carefully articulated absurdity.

Today I will address several issues. Call it an omnibus post.

The first issue is how men and women speak. Yes it's hilarious to hear grown men who look huge say something, and then you realize they sound like they belong in the Vienna Boy's Choir. It is also equally disarming and scary (in a different way) to hear petite women with huge Bertha-esque pipes. But that is not the speaking I intend to speak (or write) about. No, I am going to talk about how men tend to be very visceral and detailed in their descriptions of women, while women tend to be very vague and purposely elusive when they describe men.

The reasons for this come down to differences in how men and women see, and are taught to see the world. When a woman describes a man, she tends to say, "He's cute," or, "He's nice," or something equally non-descript like, "He wears nice shirts." Now, this may not be the way all women describe every man, and indeed many women can be very descriptive, but on the whole, most of their vocalizations at least, tend to be mundane, and general. This is because women are taught to value men for their ambition, brains, wit, and things other than physical appearance (or, at the very least, pretend that that's all they care about).

The truth is, women are very concerned with looks as are men. But, maybe on the whole not so concerned as men. That has to do with our culture. Women are significantly more objectified than men. So men, on the other hand are extremely visceral (visually oriented) in their observations about women. A man will say uncouthly "She's got a tight butt," or "I like a woman with curves," or "Her lips are luscious." While some, if not all of these comments probably lack a great deal of tact in most situations, they are certainly more descriptive. And, although it certainly objectifies women, the men saying them are not entirely to blame.

In many instances, women have themselves to blame. Some can say they are driven to wear skimpy clothes by society and culture, and that it is too hard to find modest clothing that is fashionable, but when it comes down to it, it is a choice. However, and this may be where I raise the most ire, while I think men should be more careful with how they say things, I do not think they should be any less descriptive. And, on top of that I wish women were. While no one wants to be thoroughly diagnosed on his or her body image without any modicum of tact or censor (because we are in general fairly disparaging of ourselves without other people's help), being more to the point is nice.

For instance, if you've been working out at the gym for a while and have made noticeable improvements in your abdominal region or with your arms, legs or pectoral muscles, it is nice to feel legitimately validated. A guy is much more likely directly pin point another guy's calves and say, "Your calves are super toned, you're a beast," than a girl would be. So I guess if there's any lesson to be learned from this hopefully informative diagnosis, it is that men need to temper their descriptions a bit, and women need to be more descriptive. I don't care if he's "cute" "nice" or "fun." You haven't said anything about him.

Ok. Next issue.

Your versus you're. The first is a possessive pronoun. The second is a contraction combining the words 'you' and 'are.' Hopefully I am getting a resounding "duh" from those reading at this point. Unfortunately, while many may say "duh," even some of the smartest, and funniest people I know confuse the two, along with there, they're, and their, and all of those others. Now it's okay to flub up every now and then (the mafia will not kill you - right away anyway), but if it is a consistent problem I'm not about to blame public schools, although, I can.

When I see things written online like, "Your stupid" I laugh, wince, and then cry. I just cannot get over the irony. Here's a person making a declarative statement to in essence "put someone in their place" by calling them stupid, but in the same sentence, are sentencing themselves to the same stupidity. As soon as I see some response like that to anything I write online I really do not feel any need to respond. They have responded for me. But, as much as I relish in it, I really don't. It's painful. Like 'nails on a chalkboard,' 'passing a kidney stone,' 'having Jack Bauer torture me' painful.

And here's the last issue: Balloon animals, Babies, and cats. Why are they so funny?

Man Successfully Nails Jello to Wall

Today history has been made. After years and years of trial and error, John Buckenstead of 305 Washington Street, Columbus, Ohio has successfully nailed jello to his wall. 

Ever since jello became a household name in 1897, people have used the colloquialism, "That's like nailing jello to a wall" to symbolize futility. Well, now it seems they're in need of a new one. John explained his tactics as "unconventional and sneaky," but was willing to share his secret method with this reporter:

"Well, for the longest time I just tried to use more jello-friendly nails. Ya know, ones with marshmallows or fruit on them...to entice the jello to stay put. Well, that didn't work. So I tried thick nails, long nails, short nails...and then it struck me. I just needed to be quicker than the jello. And, instead of just nailing right through it, I should make a wall of nails right below the jello. It took me a long time to learn how to hammer that many nails in so short a time. But I did it. I beat the jello."

Some of Mr. Buckenstead's competitors have called his tactics cheating, but he defended his claim:

"Look, some people think it's okay to freeze the jello, then drill through it and lightly hammer a nail through it on the wall. I didn't do that. That jello was jiggly, bouncy, and full of life. I stuck it to him."

(Frozen example=cheating)

Indeed Mr. Buckenstead. But this is not a victory for everyone. While some are calling it the "triumph of the decade" and a sure sign of the last days before the Second Coming, others are not so happy. Ruth Gipswitch, of Jackson, Mississippi was less than pleased. Not only had she been quite fond of the jello colloquialism, but the slogan of her bakery and dessert shop is "You won't find a better cake, unless you can nail jello to a wall." She had this to say:

"I thought I was safe. I mean, I tried a couple times just for fun to see if I could nail jello to the wall. Every time I failed. So I made that brash slogan. Now I regret it. I'm losing business."

Other people who have heard Mr. Buckenstead's story are at a loss. Some don't know what they'll use to replace their favorite turn of phrase. Some of the suggestions have made people cringe:

"It's like trying to herd cats" or "That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe" just don't seem to cut it.

Fake food, is it worth it?

It's a simple question. 

Why do people purchase fake food?

Wax pears, bananas, lemons, strawberries, bread, and the list goes on. Do they do it to taunt those of us who are hungry and often come to the kitchen in search of food? Do they relish in the vain attempts of children trying to eat plastic apples? What kind of sickos are these people?

I suppose there are situations where it could begin to make sense. Perhaps one of these fake food purchasers has built a new home they would like to sell. They rent out furniture, rugs, silverware, and towels so that it has a "lived in" feel. They do it to help people who have no imagination. People who need to see possibilities to realize that they have them. So, along with the rented imagination, they purchase fake fruit baskets, cornucopias, and empty bottles that look full. But to what end? Is it to show people looking at the house that not only can they put furniture in the house and decorate it, but that they can also eat in it? And, I know this is a stretch, but perhaps it is to help them believe that they could even live in it. Wow. Fake food is so empowering.

But, then you always hear the sad story of someone's favorite pet, a little Scotty dog, choking to death on a fake T-bone. Or a Tabby cat that gets run over by a rogue bowl of plastic fruit. Or the little kid who chips his tooth on a glass orange. These are all sad stories we know too well. If only there were some way to prevent these tragedies from occurring. 

But, wait! There is a way. People can buy REAL food. Real fruit, real cheese, full bottles of beverage! Entire meals! Pantries full of delicious soups and pastries! In other words, people can eat real food, live real lives, and have real imaginations. What a world.