Oh CUTE!

English is an interesting language.

Well, some people seem to think so anyway. And, I guess I fall into the category of "some people". But something that makes English so interesting is that it is a living language. It lives in the same way Frankenstein's monster does/did/I don't know if he's still alive. I say that because of how much it is driven by popular culture, vernacular, and is in essence a flowing amalgam of bits and pieces from many other languages and cultures beyond merely those of the British isles and places that were at once part of the British Empire. Ok, let's get to the point.

The word CUTE has become in a way, it's own sub-language. It's versatility is frighteningly unoriginal:

Here is the way in which it was at one point, and may sometimes still be used:

- That baby/puppy/halloween outfit* is CUTE.

*all terms can also be exchanged for butterfly wallpaper, floral arrangements, kittens, etc.


However, here is the way in which it is now used:

- He's CUTE. - (in reference to a boy/man - who should in fact never be considered cute, unless he looks like a puppy holding a floral arrangement while wearing a children's halloween costume - and in that case I believe the correct terminology would be FREAK. A man/boy used to be called attractive, handsome, good-looking, etc., but now, he has unfortunately been relegated to puppy status. If that were all, then no worries, but cute is a universal coverall as we shall see)

- That's so CUTE! - (when referring to any object that has a favorable color scheme or design, when one could just say, "I love those colors, such and such compliments the other, and/or that is a clever or creative way to use yellow and blue/pink and mint green/etc. and etc.)

- Oh what a CUTE sign! - (When the sign is actually not cute at all, bearing no resemblance to a newborn baby, puppy, and containing nothing resembling a kitten with a bib and pacifier. Most often the sign contains a clever turn of phrase, is witty, or is just cleverly being offensive while also subtly attempting to be innocuous)

- Oh CUTE! - (When referring to anything, ever, for any reason at all)

So there you have it. Is there a remedy for this generic way of describing things. Yes. Will anyone really make any concerted effort to come up with a more in depth way of evaluating their sentiments about people, places, and things that will avoid the temptation of cute's simplicity? Probably not dude. I mean dude. Really dude? Dude.

Strapped for cash: Using homemade barter currencies

Given the current economic climate, a lot of people are strapped for cash. More often than not, this poses a problem. However, it's not a problem for Mrs. Margaret Maylindropper of Altamonte Springs, Florida. For several months now she has been without cash, but has managed to stay afloat by paying everything from her bills and mortgage to her gasoline refills with meatballs.

"I make a zesty meatball. They are extra tender and juicy. No one can resist them. Some people want my meatballs more than cash. In fact, some of the neighborhood kids have set up lemonade stands and the girl scouts just wait outside my house with cookies in hopes that I'll buy some with a bag full of meatballs," said Mrs. Maylindropper.

Mrs. Maylindropper is not alone. Her other neighbor, who chose only to reveal himself as Fred, has also switched to a barter currency. Fred offers foot massages and pita bread. One foot massage is equal to two pita breads. Unfortunately, his pita bread isn't as desirable as his neighbor's meatballs. And, his gas company has claimed his foot massages aren't really that great.

"Look, I'm doing what I can. I can't please everyone all the time. My hands get sore. But hey, I think it's a better idea than what I was going to do. I was going to do face painting and body art," said Fred.

Many in the community are relieved that Fred chose pita and foot massages instead. Melanie McGruber had this to say, 

"Last Halloween he tried to paint me. He had a roller and a can of spray paint and asked what I wanted to be - either a mermaid or a fence. I just couldn't decide, so he made me into a merfence."

The resourcefulness of this community is suburban Florida is commendable. Perhaps the country could learn a thing or to from Mrs. Maylindropper's meatballs and Fred's pita. If you don't have money, don't sweat it, unless, you're using that sweat to make meatballs.

Defiant Garbage Collectors

Every wednesday morning, garbage collectors come by my house. I assume they come to collect garbage. Seems only logical. 

Well, last week they came by our street and picked up all the garbage from every house...except our house. Why? Well, I figured that it was some technicality. Perhaps we had too many trash cans or something. Or, maybe we didn't roll them out far enough into the street for their passage to be obstructed enough not to ignore. Or, maybe the fact that we filled each can with 300 pounds of lead, and a family of rats. But no, I think what happened was much more malicious.

They are haters. They didn't like our trash. And they don't like us. They were making a statement. Well, we're going to get them back. First, we called up their supervisors. Yeah, we're tattlers. And, when they come back, we'll have a post-halloween surprise waiting for them. A few dead bodies!!! That'll learn 'em (you love my grammatical correctness).

Halloween Laziness.

Call me lazy, but this halloween I am just giving you a link to an article my friend Scott Spjut (satire correspondent for ABC)  wrote. It tells what all the political candidates are going to dress up as tonight. Here it is:

This is the link to the article.

Here are some photos to enjoy that I put up with my halloween party event on facebook:

...

You should be ashamed.

Scooby-rooby-roo!

Yes, your girl friend does look like a chubby little boy.

This is for my friend Nicole who hates cats.

I always knew Paris was a zombie maid.

Oh shi...

What a great dracula costume!

I'm a lego block.

You better cover your face.

Alien! Those parents are just messed up.

I thought this was Owen Wilson at first. Nope, just ambiguous in relation to his sexuality.

Oh no! Your head is being eaten by Hello Kitty!

This dog makes me laugh, but also makes me sad inside.

This dog makes me hungry.

Dumb.

Hey, that's a little tight, could you ease up a little?

Meh.

Charming. Really.

You have no friends.

Look! You can be a douchebag for halloween!

This dog is actually a rat.

Buzz, where's your ambiguously gay friend?

Nacho!!

Nice. Shaggy is stoned. Typical.

Awww.

You suck.

Um...random fish...this is what we eat on halloween....I guess...

The thinker. Silverback gorilla style.

Okapi's have long tongues...and they will be at the party.

Happy Halloween...from the democrats!

I love halloween. But let's be honest, it's a self-indulgent, barbaric holiday, with roots in dark pagan rituals and false conceptions of life and death. We gorge ourselves in candy and for at least a day dress up as something we're not to get a rise out of our stiff friends or to become less stiff ourselves. But, in my belief, those reasons encourage me to like halloween. A little self-indulgent sugar high and waking up with your head inside a kettle full of popcorn lying next to a pink fairy on one side and a zombie amazon on the other is what its all about. But some people want to take our animalism away from us:

Snickers, please wait.

I'm sure you are all somewhat familiar with the snickers ads "Why Wait?" Here are some reasons to wait:

1. Snickers are not as good as milky way bars (debatable, talk amongst yourselves)
2. You might be allergic to peanuts
3. You could choke on a peanut
4. You have no idea what a 'nougat' is
5. You prefer ice cream
6. You prefer real food
6 1/2. You are going on a strict grass and sand diet
7. You think that the snickers are laughing at you and not with you (true.)
8. Swedish fish are made in Canada, and you don't really like Canadians, but you do like Swedish fish more than Snickers
9. Snickers look like wild animal scat
10. You had a traumatizing experience on Halloween as a little kid when a teenager ripped up your costume, smashed the pumpkins outside of your house, and stuffed your face full of pre-opened, tainted snickers bars
11. Even if Landon Donovan endorses snickers, the US still hasn't won a world cup (and you only eat candy bars that win world cups)
12. You mom said that if you spoil your dinner with snickers you don't get any pie.
13. Your mom has a stash of York peppermint patties somewhere, and snickers suck compared to them
14. You question why you are still reading this list, but have agreed that on some occasions you will not eat snickers
15. You will always eat snickers and do exactly what the Mars marketing group tells you to