What I Should Have Written in the Family Christmas Letter

At some point you have either written, received, or been unwittingly exploited by a family Christmas letter. The typical format gives about a paragraph or so to each person in the family. This time around I thought over some possibilities for my entry.

Option #1:

Michael told us in a letter last week that he's doing really well at rehab. He and his new friend Bob saved Margaret from slitting her wrists last wednesday. He has also converted to Judaism and has become lactose intolerant. Merry Christmas.

Option #2:

Michael is surfing in Vanuatu as you read this. He has started a new company that sells exotic fruit juice and smoothies and writes political satire on his successful blog (and is also a major contributor to the New York Times, the Washington Post, and advises Obama on strategy on Thursdays). He is also making real estate investments in northeastern Brazil and has purchased an island off the coast of Spain.

Option #3:

Michael is currently single. He enjoys long walks on tropical beaches after sumptuous romantic meals complete with candles and rose pedals. He is also not averse to bubble baths. His number is 657-123-4567.

Fortunately I wrote something way better than all of that, but you won't get to read it unless you're on the family Christmas letter mailing list.