Thursday, February 12, 2009

Give Feet a Chance.

There are many things in life that are maligned, marginalized, disrespected, and of ill repute. Sometimes the object of our disgust is well deserving. Other times it is not. For instance: No one really admires garbage. As nice as it can be to throw, dump, stomp on, and crush, garbage is just not that admirable. We even use it as a put down, like "that idea is garbage." But our marginalization and perhaps even detestation of garbage is not at issue here. There will most likely not be any garbage activists, or garbage rights movements. However, there are other things that are unfairly treated, that perhaps shouldn't be.
One such example is that of the human foot, or feet. We often might tell someone they smell like feet, look like feet, or even have the temperament of feet. But is that really so bad? Sure there are plenty of unattractive hobbit-like feet out there, but what about all the nice feet? I mean, just because Bonds, Clemens, A-Rod, McGuire, and Sosa are all steroid users doesn't mean the whole league is. Give feet a chance! Feet we can! 
Feet are important. If you don't have them, you know what I'm talking about. Walking without feet is tricky at best. They provide use with balance, from the heels to the pinky toe. If you think I'm making this stuff up, lop off your pinky toe and try to pass a sobriety test. If you some how manage, then try playing a game of basketball, or try to win a dance off.
(Hobbit feet, some people like them)

Many also believe feet are just not that aesthetically pleasing. Oh please. I mean, the feet may not be the first thing you look for in a potential spouse, but if they are ogre-ish or missing, you might think twice about asking someone out. Men generally like daintier feet, with nice arches and smaller toes in even proportion (however, foot binding is not recommended. I don't care how effective it is). Women tend to like strong feet, perhaps tan, and not ridiculously hairy (although some women do end up marrying or at least dating hobbits). However, there are drawbacks to being a foot person. On the one side, sure, it makes it seem like your not as focused on the more obvious areas, but on the other side, people might think you are weird and have a fetish. So, play it safe. There are simple innocuous ways to check out people's feet.

The most obvious method is asking them to swim at the pool, or go to the beach. (If they are still wearing shoes on the beach or in the pool, they probably have weird feet, and are possibly aliens). 
(You can even use feet in orange juice ads)

Another way to check out their feet is to offer them a foot massage (however, this can be tricky, because once you've offered to do it you will look really bad if you see their feet and then refuse). So, if you do try the massage method, you have to go all the way (If you end up massaging a hobbit, ogre, dwarf, or alien, remember to wash your hands with strong disinfectant, or bleach). 
Another way may seem obvious. Watch a movie on the couch together and curl up with a couple blankets, and if they keep their shoes on get upset and pretend like they're ruining the upholstery. This method also has a big drawback (If their feet stink, you have now forced yourself to a couple hours of misery).
(This diagram shows you how to effectively kill a feet. Go for the kidneys!)

So there you have it. For those of you who still hate feet, and would prefer not to have yours, I can relate a little bit, but I also think you're being unrealistic and stupid. If you want nicer feet, plastic foot surgery is an option (and I know a guy). He can give you Audrey Hepburn's feet, or John Wayne's (however if he screws up they might just look like starfish or mutant salamanders. And, for the record, Audrey's feet weren't that great.


squirrelyearl said...

I always laugh at people that have feet phobia.

Paige at said...

Dang, you have a lot to say about feet. That was like a Seinfeld episode. Love ya!